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INTJ women attracted to effeminate men? attraction, females
Old 07-29-2010, 01:32 PM   #1
castalia
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It has recently occurred to me that most of the men I am attracted to and with whom I've had the best relationships are highly effeminate. To give you an example, my most recent relationship was with a 45 year old man...very good looking, with a very soft, almost feminine jaw and beautiful eyes. He wanted me to dominate him in bed but also liked to play the dominant role occassionally, enjoyed it when I put makeup on him just for fun (not outside of the house), defered to me on most things, didn't get angry with me easily, and just wanted me and other people to be happy. He is an INFP and many people have suspected that he may be gay, but I can say that he is not (he told me he only likes women) and that he is also the best sex partner I've ever had. The only reason we are not currently together is because we live on different continents and we will always be very good friends.

I find that I am highly attracted to older, sweet, effeminate men, especially if they also have blue eyes and curly brown hair. I don't mind being the dominant one in the relationship....in fact I prefer it most of the time.

Is this common with other INTJ women here?
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Old 07-29-2010, 01:53 PM   #2
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Hm...not really true for me. Whether I want to or not, usually the guys I actually get together with are considered to be more "guy" guys...as in...they would never in a million years be mistaken for being gay.
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Old 07-29-2010, 02:49 PM   #3
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I think about this a lot. It would seem to make sense for an INTJ female to be attracted to more effeminate men (they are more likely to be attracted to me). But I've only experienced the opposite. I like very masculine men, sometimes I do appreciate a bit of effeminate ''flare'' but only within an over all "manly" package ... skinny softie guys just don't do it for me.
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Old 07-29-2010, 03:06 PM   #4
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  Originally Posted by paperclip
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skinny softie guys just don't do it for me.

I don't like skinny either....I prefer them to be somewhat buff. That of course is not only associated with masculinity as a guy can be effeminate in other ways but masculine in others. My guy liked to work out and had a rough, outdoorsy kind of job for several years, yet he was still effeminate in his look and behavior. And he did not have a problem with people calling him gay either because he is NOT gay.

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Old 07-29-2010, 03:08 PM   #5
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No, not at all. I've always preferred men who aren't "skinny softie guys." DH is from Polish stock that's somewhat stocky and decidedly hirsute.

In fact, I prefer men with some form of facial hair.

Our son is skinny, but not soft. His facial features are decidedly angular and these days he sports facial hair himself.
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Old 07-29-2010, 03:19 PM   #6
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  Originally Posted by castalia
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I don't like skinny either....I prefer them to be somewhat buff. That of course is not only associated with masculinity as a guy can be effeminate in other ways but masculine in others. My guy liked to work out and had a rough, outdoorsy kind of job for several years, yet he was still effeminate in his look and behavior. And he did not have a problem with people calling him gay either because he is NOT gay.

whats the definition of effeminate that we are working with here? i suppose i do associate skinny softies (as in emotionally soft) with being effeminate... i would not consider a guy who worked out and had a rough job effeminate, although if he was emotionally sensitive I might.

i do think you can be skinny as in ''thin'' but not effeminate. body mass isn't the telling factor.

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Old 07-29-2010, 03:29 PM   #7
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  Originally Posted by paperclip
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whats the definition of effeminate that we are working with here? i suppose i do associate skinny softies (as in emotionally soft) with being effeminate... i would not consider a guy who worked out and had a rough job effeminate, although if he was emotionally sensitive I might.

That. It's the very emotional sensitivity coupled with the fact that he takes good care of himself, is not averse to wearing nice clothes, a bit of makeup, and cologne, and also likes women to take the lead in the relationship as well as in bed.

Also, if a man gets off by being spanked by a woman and wouldn't mind it if she uses a strap on on him (together with the other stuff mentioned above), then he would qualify as effeminate, no?

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Old 07-29-2010, 03:33 PM   #8
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emotional sensitivity may manifest itself as vanity? - makeup, overly concerned with clothing lines and labels, self obsession, getting anything waxed and having to have things ''just so'' i consider effeminate (mm sounds like a lot of S types i know haha)

being the occasional submissive in bed, not effeminate. always having to be the submissive in bed, effeminate
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Old 07-29-2010, 03:37 PM   #9
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Not in the slightest.

I like men who are very masculine, not skinny softies. It truly annoys me that society has emasculated straight men so they are less threatening.
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Old 07-29-2010, 03:47 PM   #10
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  Originally Posted by castalia
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Also, if a man gets off by being spanked by a woman and wouldn't mind it if she uses a strap on on him (together with the other stuff mentioned above), then he would qualify as effeminate, no?

Are you seriously trying to suggest being spanked is a female inclination? I recommend reading up on kink before slapping labels on people or their backsides.

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Old 07-29-2010, 03:56 PM   #11
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I know a bit about BDSM .. I assumed castalia was touching on the submissive not necessarily a female inclination.
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Old 07-29-2010, 04:00 PM   #12
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  Originally Posted by paperclip
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I know a bit about BDSM .. I assumed castalia was touching on the submissive not necessarily a female inclination.

An effeminate male is one who takes on qualities ordinarily associated with females. Enjoying a spanking is something else entirely. Conflating the two is fairly frightening.

How do you interpret:

  Originally Posted by castalia
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Also, if a man gets off by being spanked by a woman...then he would qualify as effeminate, no?

...as saying anything other than that the wimminz like the spankings?

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Old 07-29-2010, 04:00 PM   #13
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  Originally Posted by cannotseethe
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Are you seriously trying to suggest being spanked is a female inclination? I recommend reading up on kink before slapping labels on people or their backsides.

Um, no, not spanking in itself.....but doing it with a strap on means the man has to be submissive. I'm not suggesting that there is anything wrong with domination or submission but using a strap on on a guy does suggest that the guy has, at least, some effeminate tendencies.

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Old 07-29-2010, 04:01 PM   #14
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which actually bring us back to my original question -- what definition of effeminate are we discussing?

sexually submissive, or having traits that mirror female inclinations? many women on this forum are outside the generally perceived ''gender binary'' ... not likely to be emotional, etc. but for the purposes of this discussion we should illustrate what we are considering to be effeminate in nature.

---------- Post added 07-29-2010 at 04:02 PM ----------

  Originally Posted by cannotseethe
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An effeminate male is one who takes on qualities ordinarily associated with females. Enjoying a spanking is something else entirely. Conflating the two is fairly frightening.

I agree, just type too slow!

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Old 07-29-2010, 04:05 PM   #15
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  Originally Posted by castalia
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submissive...effeminate tendencies.

Again?

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Old 07-29-2010, 04:09 PM   #16
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  Originally Posted by castalia
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Um, no, not spanking in itself.....but doing it with a strap on means the man has to be submissive. I'm not suggesting that there is anything wrong with domination or submission but using a strap on on a guy does suggest that the guy has, at least, some effeminate tendencies.

i actually disagree that sexually submissive = effeminate. If someone is sexually sub all the time, I might attempt to correlate their bedroom behavior with their public behavior. but even this relationship is tenuous.

I once dated an INFP male who was traditionally effeminate. He wasn't submissive in bed, but he wasn't aggressive either. This, with his public persona ultimately didn't do it for me... although I would like to meet an effeminate man who was a dom in bed for curiosity's sake.

---------- Post added 07-29-2010 at 04:16 PM ----------

more to your particular INFP castalia ... it could just be the case that he is effeminate and happens to be sub. -"If hes the best sex partner you've ever had" then go with it.

im not attracted to those types, but diff'rent strokes...

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Old 07-29-2010, 07:03 PM   #17
JulietCapulet
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Hmmm. I guess I can see what you are talking about. I have seen a few INTJs dating very histrionic flashy guys...if that is similar.
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Old 07-29-2010, 07:20 PM   #18
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If he has a penis, he's a man.

*shrug*

I don't have a particularly strong categorization ability for traits that are "masculine" or "feminine", aside from the physical or the stereotypical (which I scoff at, in general).

From a physical perspective, I'm generally physically attracted to men who have good proportions and "masculine" features (strong jaw, proportionately broad shoulders, light V-shape from chest to waist, etc), rather than androgynous or "feminine" (although those two can be very aesthetic). Nice eyes are not by any means a feminine thing. Plenty of men have great eyes. They also have penises. Ergo, male.

Masculine: pertaining to male humans, men: manly; having the qualities associated with men.

I associate men with penises and somewhat differently shaped bodies. There are all sorts of traits that are stereotypically "feminine" or "masculine" which I appreciate in people. I like gentleness, caring, empathy, strength of character, confidence, assertiveness, etc. The first three are stereotypically female. The latter are stereotypically male. However, I see all of them in people both male and female, so I don't really bother to separate them out into "masculine" or "feminine", as I cannot make a definitive assertion of which traits belong to which gender.

Then again, I'm not very gender-conscious.
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Old 07-29-2010, 07:25 PM   #19
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^Let me hazard a wild guess here: You like penises, no?
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Old 07-29-2010, 07:29 PM   #20
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I always joke that I like boys that look like girls. And actually it's not very far from the truth. My current crush wears full face makeup everyday, he does a mad smokey eye. Everyone thinks he is gay but I am so attracted to him. The more testosterone a guy has the less attractive I find him. Big brawny types are almost invisible to me no matter how good looking. But if he's slender, and owns more beauty products than me I'm there....every single time.

Big draw cards for me physically are cherubic lips, long eyelashes and a heart shaped face. All my bf's had beautiful lady-like hands.
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Old 07-29-2010, 07:38 PM   #21
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  Originally Posted by castalia
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And he did not have a problem with people calling him gay either because he is NOT gay.

This implies that if he were gay he should have a problem with people calling him gay. Interesting. Should he not consider it a problem that people assume his sexual orientation to be deviant and something it is not?

  Originally Posted by cannotseethe
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Again?

Wait, are you suggesting that submissive sexual behaviour is not a feminine trait?

  Originally Posted by LifesEcstasy
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I always joke that I like boys that look like girls. And actually it's not very far from the truth. My current crush wears full face makeup everyday, he does a mad smokey eye. Everyone thinks he is gay but I am so attracted to him. The more testosterone a guy has the less attractive I find him. Big brawny types are almost invisible to me no matter how good looking. But if he's slender, and owns more beauty products than me I'm there....every single time.

Big draw cards for me physically are cherubic lips, long eyelashes and a heart shaped face. All my bf's had beautiful lady-like hands.

Why not go all the way? You're only one tubular organ away, it seems.

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Old 07-29-2010, 07:46 PM   #22
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  Originally Posted by poetic intj
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^Let me hazard a wild guess here: You like penises, no?

I'm physically attracted to those who have them, yes.
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I'm perfectly able to appreciate the aesthetics of women, but for the purposes of attraction it's men for me.

My point was actually that to me, gender is pretty much purely physical on an individual basis. Attraction-wise, the physical differences between men and women matter to me. The questionable differences between men and women mentally/personally don't matter.

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Old 07-29-2010, 07:47 PM   #23
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  Originally Posted by Weber
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Why not go all the way? You're only one tubular organ away, it seems.

Because I prefer the tubular organ and since I can have both, why not?

On a side note it's a complete misnomer that effeminate = gay. I work with a lot of gay men and many of them are not in the least effeminate, nor do they like effeminate men. They are high testosterone men and prefer their men that way too. Gay men are not women in a man's body, they are men who like men. Just saying because a lot of straight people look at effeminate males and say "gay".

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Old 07-29-2010, 09:03 PM   #24
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I appreciate uniqueness in people and that includes effeminate traits. I think it's interesting.

Well, that said, I am not interested in any men nor women, and am not looking for any romantic relationships... I guess asexual. Whether a guy is masculine or feminine either way wouldn't really matter. Forgot that this thread was about relationship interest with guys that are feminine.
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Old 07-29-2010, 09:20 PM   #25
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Nope. Quite the opposite. I have no sexual interest in traditionally "feminine" characteristics.
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