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MichaelEmouse

Being dominant or submissive sexually, what does it mean to you?

28 posts in this topic

There have been threads where people have described themselves as being dominant or submissive sexually. Those two words have a broad range of meaning, however. I would like to have a sampling of what people mean by it.

For example, one person might understand "dominant" simply to mean that xe initiates the activity. Another person might understand it to mean rape scenarios and hitting. Anything in-between those two extremes could be meant.

So I would like to know what you mean by it when you say that you prefer a submissive or dominant role. If you are willing to share it, I would also like to know what makes you like that particular form of submission or dominance.

I do mean what you mean by it. I would like to avoid a discussion where posters generalize about genders which usually makes threads degenerate. If you would like to make any gender-related generalizations or respond to people who make gender generalizations, please pick any one of the 365 038 other threads specifically about that.

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it means YUCK!

it means stay the eff away from me ya freak! i have no use for sadists OR masochists. if you indulge in ANY manner of social stratification, you are the root of everything that's wrong in this world.

i find it repulsive in the extreme when women ASK to be tied up or spanked or whatever. my reaction to sadists or even seekers of social dominance is "one of us has to die"

i DESPISE the S

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Zeroemission, I don't think he's referring to BDSM [bondage and discipline, dominance and submission], simply to who *leads* in bed [or wherever else the action is taking place]. And, like it or not, most people do have a favoured default position.

MichaelEmouse. I can share a collection of thoughts on this but not a conclusion. And I know you requested the avoidance of generalisation but I do think that women tend to fall into the S category - and for two main reasons:

Not necessarily due to inherant sexual proclivity but thanks to issues within society, diactating she shall not enjoy sex. And if she does, she's a wanton hussy! When the man takes full charge in the act, the woman is abdicated of all responsibility. She can let go and enjoy herself. It's not her fault! He did it!

Also, consider this. If you think about the proposition in it's base terms: D being the giver and S being the receiver, then clearly - given it's the woman who is penetrated - she's automatically the S [receiver]. So effectively her default is that of an S. For her to buck that trend [if you'll pardon the pun], perhaps she simply has to enjoy being on top and willing [and able] to put in the effort required not only to complete in this position [from what I've seen and heard, this is not what most women are up to, at least not often] but to make the man feel like he's the one getting it. I think it's rare to find this. I think most women like to lay back and receive, certainly most of the time. Very few are going to get on top and bang you like a barn door - and when it happens, usually it's more occasional than default. Incidentally, another term for D's and S's : *tops* and *bottoms*.

So I think women are rarely fully fledged dom's. Even those that go on top alot still tend to like to mix it up...which i guess would make us *switches* if you want to frame it in D/S language. If not, then simply more sexually *equal*, which is certainly the way I look at it.

The only self-professed, full on female doms that I've met [and I am talking about BDSM now] tend to be *professional*. They claim not to be hookers per se, as their services don't include sex [i think that line of distinction is debatable, given their service satisfies someone's sexual purpose/need... but if it makes them feel better about what they do, fine.]. But consider this: If the guy is paying for it, who is really in charge?

Any sexually dominant females out there who disagree with me, please feel free to tell me I'm wrong. I'm not claiming to know it all or speak for everyone. Just chipping in my 5 Cents.

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Honestly I never understood the point of dominant/submissive. I can't understand why anyone would want to be either as neither hold any appeal to me. Balance is the shit as far as I'm concerned

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Dominant and submissive in a relationship does not work for me because of my value system and the type of woman I am attracted to. I am attracted to strong independent women and believe that each person has strengths and weakness that override any type of dominance.

As for sexual dominance and submissiveness, I have found that women that are dominant in their day to day lives lean toward submissive or switch. Myself, I am dominant in my day to day life and am a switch. Its nice to give up the "control".

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I think it's better characterized by the terms "top" and "bottom." It's less about BDSM and all of that, and more about how you carry yourself during sex. I'm very sexually aggressive, but I don't always initiate. I definitely identify very strongly as a top, as "fucking" my partner rather than submitting to being fucked, if that makes sense. It's not because I'm a sadist or I want to tie people up. It's just very hard for me not to be active during sex, to relax and just let things happen to me. I have a real urge to be in control.

---------- Post added 09-01-2012 at 02:11 PM ----------

Honestly I never understood the point of dominant/submissive. I can't understand why anyone would want to be either as neither hold any appeal to me. Balance is the shit as far as I'm concerned

If you're doing your absolute favorite thing in bed with your favorite person, are you doing something to that person, or are you receiving?

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If you're doing your absolute favorite thing in bed with your favorite person, are you doing something to that person, or are you receiving?

Not that I have a lot of experience, but I see it as sharing something, regardless of who is currently doing something. I guess the load carried in the words dominant/submissive is the important thing here. To me they're both "strong", if that makes sense. Like if you're dominant you really are consistently controlling your partner. Some kind of need to "own" someone else, not just help that person understand what it is you want to do together with him/her (coaching or whatever).

I don't enjoy someone trying to master me, and I don't enjoy mastering others, is what I'm trying to say I guess. Neither does anything for me.

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I think it's better characterized by the terms "top" and "bottom." It's less about BDSM and all of that, and more about how you carry yourself during sex. I'm very sexually aggressive, but I don't always initiate. I definitely identify very strongly as a top, as "fucking" my partner rather than submitting to being fucked, if that makes sense. It's not because I'm a sadist or I want to tie people up. It's just very hard for me not to be active during sex, to relax and just let things happen to me. I have a real urge to be in control.

---------- Post added 09-01-2012 at 02:11 PM ----------

If you're doing your absolute favorite thing in bed with your favorite person, are you doing something to that person, or are you receiving?

Top and bottom are probably more clear (less loaded) terms for the less kinky preferences, I agree.

Like if you're dominant you really are consistently controlling your partner. Some kind of need to "own" someone else, not just help that person understand what it is you want to do together with him/her.

You're describing those who are dominant as a lifestyle. There are also those who are simply dominant in the bedroom and quite equal outside of it. Same for submissive.

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Not that I have a lot of experience, but I see it as sharing something, regardless of who is currently doing something. I guess the load carried in the words dominant/submissive is the important thing here. To me they're both "strong", if that makes sense. Like if you're dominant you really are consistently controlling your partner. Some kind of need to "own" someone else, not just help that person understand what it is you want to do together with him/her (coaching or whatever).

I don't enjoy someone trying to master me, and I don't enjoy mastering others, is what I'm trying to say I guess. Neither does anything for me.

I agree. That's why I prefer top/bottom. I think a lot of people have a preference on their degree of action and control in bed.

I'm not talking about BDSM stuff, just regular vanilla sex.

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I'm a sadist and I wish to find a submissive women in the future.

It lets me objectify someone, to control someone, a woman that views me as all good and all evil to this world, to be what she cannot be but merely, what she desires to be.

And her? She is mine.

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Sex and psychology. Isn't it a manifestation of letting go, of being who we are or for some, wish to be?

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If you're doing your absolute favorite thing in bed with your favorite person, are you doing something to that person, or are you receiving?

What if your favourite thing involves both people lying on their sides facing each other?

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What if your favourite thing involves both people lying on their sides facing each other?

Just looking at each other? Mutual masturbation? Scissoring? Vaginal sex?

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24,

Do you think it's realistically possible for both to be fucking rather than fucked?

You make it clear that you like being in control. Do you actively dislike not being in control?

How would you qualify oral sex when it comes to top/bottom? Does it change if the receiver uses its hand to influence the angle and/or speed?

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I have a batshit insane boss who *MUST* control *EVERY* detail of *EVERY* project, but who pays ungodly amounts of money. I also have a naturally relatively dominant personality, and must completely bury this side of myself completely around my clown of a boss. Do the math.

My personal experience of dominance is that the dominant initiates everything. The submissive has the opportunity to say no, the safeword, or initiate the body language that communicates "no". I'd say that the dominant "controls" everything, but they really just initiate everything.

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Dominant and submissive in a relationship does not work for me because of my value system and the type of woman I am attracted to. I am attracted to strong independent women and believe that each person has strengths and weakness that override any type of dominance.

As for sexual dominance and submissiveness, I have found that women that are dominant in their day to day lives lean toward submissive or switch. Myself, I am dominant in my day to day life and am a switch. Its nice to give up the "control".

I agree. I'm very dominant in my day to day life as well and I'm definitely a switch when it comes to sex (although I'd probably be considered more submissive in certain circles)

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Most of the time we are just equals because that is what we both like the most. Sexually and in the rest of our lives.

Dominant is when you are doing the DOING. Submissive...being done to.

So I guess it depends on the people's mindset. I, for example regard giving head as being dominant because I am doing the doing. I know people who regard it as being submissive. Obviously we have different mindsets in regard to this same act. Possibly because we enjoy performing oral sex to different degrees. Possibly because of the different ways our partners receive oral sex. If my partner had me by the hair, shoving my face onto him and demanding that I do it then...(aside from finding himself soundly bitten)....I guess he would be dominating me. Fucking my mouth rather than me doing the doing. He'd be doing the doing. But he'd only be doing that shit once against my will and for his own self interest he'd better not plan on falling asleep afterwards.

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I agree with a few of these posters. I find that people are opposites in the bedroom. My boyfriend feels like he is dominated by other people in his life, and he likes to be the one "inflicting pain" and being dominant in the relationship as a whole. I am not obligated by as many people and things as he is, so I tend to be more submissive in the relationship. As for sex, I know he likes to be more dominating, but he's still somewhat inexperienced and used to being with controlling women, so he's still coming into his sexual individuality.

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Also, consider this. If you think about the proposition in it's base terms: D being the giver and S being the receiver, then clearly - given it's the woman who is penetrated - she's automatically the S [receiver]. So effectively her default is that of an S.

These are such weird ways to think about sex. And yes, I'm using the term 'weird" even though it's the words most English speakers use. "Penetrated" - as though it's unnatural for the penis to fit inside the vagina. It's also interesting to note how use of language influences our thinking so much that people consider it how things must be. As seen above - it's her that must receive the penis, it's her that is submissive. Try flipping the language - she is the one taking the penis into the body or engulfing it or whatever word you want.

I've seen someone on this forum refer to the girl-on-top position as women "simulating" a thrust - so prevalent is this thought that women are the receivers that even when she's the one providing the main movement, she can only "simulate" the "real" sexual act.

Just weird to me.

So, I guess what I'm saying is agreeing with another poster that dominance and submissiveness is often a mind trick or something agreed upon. I'd call the dominant person the one that makes the decision about what will be done. But I also don't think every sexual encounter has to be thought of as dominant v. submissive or doer v. doee.

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These are such weird ways to think about sex. And yes, I'm using the term 'weird" even though it's the words most English speakers use. "Penetrated" - as though it's unnatural for the penis to fit inside the vagina. It's also interesting to note how use of language influences our thinking so much that people consider it how things must be. As seen above - it's her that must receive the penis, it's her that is submissive. Try flipping the language - she is the one taking the penis into the body or engulfing it or whatever word you want.

I've seen someone on this forum refer to the girl-on-top position as women "simulating" a thrust - so prevalent is this thought that women are the receivers that even when she's the one providing the main movement, she can only "simulate" the "real" sexual act.

Just weird to me.

Yeah it is weird. But as stated, I'm airing thoughts rather than stating conclusions. And you're right; I'm using the term "reciever" literally and in this case, perhaps it's not the correct usage. The default choice for the vast majority of women - who go all out and opt for one* - is that of the submissive [*talking about BDSM folks here]. So maybe I'm just probing for potential underlying reasons. Or playing devil's advocate. A bit of both ...and other stuff besides. Like strap-ons being a large part [no pun intended] of a genuine domme's repertoire.

I'd call the dominant person the one that makes the decision about what will be done. But I also don't think every sexual encounter has to be thought of as dominant v. submissive or doer v. doee.

Does anyone do that though? Maybe, if they're some totally OCD BDSM practitioner but otherwise, I doubt it. IM[vanilla]E there's never even been much *calling the shots* going on in bed. Sex just happens and in terms of giving/receiving and expansion of effort, it's all relatively equal.

Edited by Gmac

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Being dominated? She's on top fucking me like a cave woman. Dominating? I'm on top fucking her like a cave man. And somewhere in the middle is real passionate fucking.

I like somewhere in the middle with a little give and take.

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I tend to be the initiator of actions in bed, I lean towards rough/forceful. I don't really get into verbal degradation or anything like that though.

I don't know if you are looking for graphic depictions...

If I was to describe why I lean that way, I guess it's because I get turned on by arousal and sexuality in my partner and when a girl is turned on by engaging in certain submissive sex acts I associate that with a strong attraction to sex, penis, situations etc. If two girls are engaging in the same sex act, one is turned on by it and one not, I pick it up and am turned on or turned off respectively.

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It depends on the person I'm with but I'd consider myself a switch to submissive. Like a few of you mentioned, I'm dominating in my day to day work and really like giving up control in the bedroom at times.

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"Dominant" can mean a lot of things, I think I see it as a bit of a gradient. It can mean being the mistress to a slave and telling him exactly what to do or else, or it can simply mean being a bit less shy than the other person and being the one to initiate. I know that I'm leaning towards being dominant, but due to inexperience I don't know yet where exactly my "sweet spot" on that axis is.

These are such weird ways to think about sex. And yes, I'm using the term 'weird" even though it's the words most English speakers use. "Penetrated" - as though it's unnatural for the penis to fit inside the vagina. It's also interesting to note how use of language influences our thinking so much that people consider it how things must be. As seen above - it's her that must receive the penis, it's her that is submissive. Try flipping the language - she is the one taking the penis into the body or engulfing it or whatever word you want.

I've seen someone on this forum refer to the girl-on-top position as women "simulating" a thrust - so prevalent is this thought that women are the receivers that even when she's the one providing the main movement, she can only "simulate" the "real" sexual act.

Just weird to me.

This, so much this. If I'm gonna have sex, it's gonna be two people interacting with their genitals. It's not gonna be a guy fucking me. So many men, when I talk to them, they have this unspoken attitude of "I could fuck you", and I find it repulsive.

"Engulfing", I like that :laugh::thumbsup:

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