Welcome to INTJ Forum

This is a community where INTJs can meet others with similar personalities and discuss a wide variety of both serious and casual topics. If you aren't an INTJ, you're welcome to join anyway if you would like to learn more about this personality type or participate in our discussions. Registration is free and will allow you to post messages, see hidden subforums, customize your account and use other features only available to our members.

Anton

How do you get over somebody?

31 posts in this topic

This question has racked my mind so many times since the first heartbreak in middle school even until today.

Just how do you do it?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Such a answer, I believe, could be different for different people.

However, I have some ideas that have worked for me, as well as other I know.

Usually people who can't get over past relationships are the ones that dwell on them, constantly. If you find yourself thinking about it, find an activity or a friend you talk to, or something, that can take your mind off of it. It requires a personal motivation to know that the relationship is over, done with, and that you must move past it.

Don't think about "what ifs".

Also, realize that being in a relationship will not necessarily make you more happy or more confident. True relationships are work, and can be difficult.

If you are not happy with your life and confident in yourself while being single, being in a relationship is not going to help.

If two people go into a relationship expecting the other to provide them with happiness and confidence, the relationship will almost always end in failure. The successful relationships are the ones where two people want to pass on their confidence and happiness selflessly to the other person. In this sense, both people give and recieve.

The relationships that only last for a while and fade are the ones where one person is giving willingly and the other is receiving, which works, until that one giving individual is drained.

Sorry if that was a random tangent. In a nutshell, don't dwell on the past and know that all the confidence and happiness you need can be found within yourself, not another person.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Or.... you could say that you don't get over people you really loved. They become part of who you are. Someone once said that you 'get over grief' only when the grief stops bumping into all the other parts of your life (or something like that)- you'll never get rid of it, it just stops interfering with normal functioning.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

For a while, I missed my ex. ...Then I bought a rifle with a scope, and it only took one shot after that. :thumbsup:

Seriously now, the only thing that helps is time. Sympathetic people to support you helps a little as well.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Forgetting people I've accepted into my life has also been a hardship for me, especially when we were romantically involved. Here's some advice that I've found to help me, but I can't promise any result:

An equally important distraction (like another person, an important goal, a pet, etc)

Disassociation with reminders (like photos, love letters, gifts, etc)

Accepting what's in the past is in the past and focusing on the future.

Realize there are more opportunities with other people that available.

Focusing on other factors in life (school, work, family, etc)

Mourn losing the person; don't hold back tears or thoughts of sadness. Physically getting over the person, will help to mentally & emotionally get over the person.

Be patient.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I think every one of you guys are right. Now where can I buy a powerful silencer? ^_-

Or.... you could say that you don't get over people you really loved.

I totally agree. I'll never forget the first, about 5 years ago. We still talk to this day.

In testament, last night she and I jokingly made a deal that if she's 40 and single, and I'm 40 and single, then we'll hook up. About an hour after the conversation she texted me: "Yes. I will always love you."

metamagnet, Tablelamp and punkyplatypus, you guys offered some great advice and I'm going to try to follow that.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

someone once told me "Time heals all wounds. Even if it has to kill you."

someone else said "You can expect the grieving period after a relationship to be about 1/3 the length of the relationship. That's normal."

EDIT:

but honestly, depending on why the relationship ended, there can often be no reason that you'd want to stop loving/admiring/whatever the person. I don't really see that as a bad thing, though...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Oh I agree with you 100%. My loyalty is there for the ones I love.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

It's hard to forget someone once you've let them into your life. In the future, my solution is to not let people in.

Ha, in all seriousness, it just takes time. There's no quick solution to this. But definitely don't get back together, break up, get back together, ad nausem like some other people do. That makes it exponentially harder, like I keep telling my friend.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

This attitude may be difficult to adopt, but when its over, its over. Look forward, not back. Its done. Period. Finis.

Paul Simon was spot on with the song "Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover".

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I don't really have a problem with getting over someone since all the break-ups I had were the result of betrayals (or I convinced myself that it was a betrayal as an excuse to end the relationship). My INTJ side will kick in, drop the other party like a hot potato and move on.

Sure there may be some tears for the first few days and there's always the problem of the other party wanting to get back together. But for me, once a relationship is over, it is over. Period.

Boy, I sound like a jerk, don't I?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
But for me, once a relationship is over, it is over. Period.

Boy, I sound like a jerk, don't I?

Or just an INTJ.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Boy, I sound like a jerk, don't I?

No, you sound like a level-headed realist.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Stubbornness works for me, although, I guess it might look like denial and repression to other people. I decide that I've had enough of a person and then repeatedly tell myself that I feel fine, or not interested anymore, or not upset. Kind of like a 'mind over matter' thing, but more like "crotchetiness over feelings."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
But for me, once a relationship is over, it is over. Period.

Boy, I sound like a jerk, don't I?

Ya you do. Jerk!

lol jk

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

i can give advice for guys which have worked for me;

lose weight (or gain muscular weight if you are tiny) , go to a gym, change the hairdo, change all your clothes, style, throw out *ANYTHING* that reminds her (yes, that includes the bed that you used to sleep together or that 16 GB ipod she gave you for your birthday).. you get the idea, change yourself if you really can't get over

and one thing which didn't work for me, sleeping with every women available does not help you get over.. it just makes you feel good for 15 minutes than you go home and cry for she doesn't smell like your ex.. give yourself some time before dating again..

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
i can give advice for guys which have worked for me;

lose weight (or gain muscular weight if you are tiny) , go to a gym, change the hairdo, change all your clothes, style, throw out *ANYTHING* that reminds her (yes, that includes the bed that you used to sleep together or that 16 GB ipod she gave you for your birthday).. you get the idea, change yourself if you really can't get over

and one thing which didn't work for me, sleeping with every women available does not help you get over.. it just makes you feel good for 15 minutes than you go home and cry for she doesn't smell like your ex.. give yourself some time before dating again..

This is generally good advice, but as a humorous anecdote, I still wear the expensive watch purchased by one of my ex-es several years ago; I don't care about her, but the watch is a good watch! :D

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
This question has racked my mind so many times since the first heartbreak in middle school even until today.

Just how do you do it?

There's no methodology. Some will hurt for a while and you'll get over. Some will barely hurt at all. And some will hang around for a long, long, long time (albeit at decreasingly painful level of awareness). There's no rationality to any of it.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Everyone has given great advice so far. I will add that I think breaking up with someone that was very special to you can be one of the most painful things we face.

When I was younger this did not bother me at all - once it was over, I was over it. Now that I am older and forming deeper bonds with people I am not so adroit at letting go.

I've been single now for 2 years and as I have dated people within this time period the intensity of the pain of separation has varied from none to OUCH, so I how I cope with it varies.

I will also say that, happily, I have become somewhat better at determining who I should attach to and who I should maintain emotional distance from...sort of front loading the potential breakup woes (we are contingency planners, are we not?).

The really painful ones require a lot of self-love and acceptance of the pain you are going through. I require a high level of distraction during the day - as others have said: friends/support group, goals, etc. I also try to do a lot of extra things for myself - treat myself to a nice dinner somewhere, maybe buy myself some new clothes or some other gift, go to the spa, get my hair done, etc.

With time the pain does lessen. I try to look at it as having the flu or something. Take care of yourself and wait it out.

I have also been fortunate to love some amazing people - we are still friends. I could count on them for anything in a moments notice. In one particular case, we still talk every day. So even though breaking up sucks, it's still worth forming these bonds because they really can enrich your life.

Better to have loved and lost...they say. So true!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

The girl that I was having trouble getting over has become a good friend of mine. We don't want to lose touch with someone so valuable in our lives over some kaka.

I will also say that, happily, I have become somewhat better at determining who I should attach to and who I should maintain emotional distance from...sort of front loading the potential breakup woes (we are contingency planners, are we not?).

Yep that's what I'm trying to do now.

At least on the bright side, for that short period of time, I had a really good thing going on. Now I know how good I can do, and know what to look for.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

This should work

Nobody will laugh at the same joke forever. Besides "memory" feelings and emotions are a chemical response triggered by mental stimulus (from the inside: remembering). You can get over somebody by:

  1. Think of that someone more and more, continuously but without omitting the bad things (don't be selective). Comparisons with someone superior helps. Hear the songs that tied you to that someone again and again. Write what you think (but don't send those letters) and try to compose a song. Slowly you will notice that the intensity might increase but then will go down. Be persistent, is like burning the neurons that hold that memory, just like an overdose. Trust me, you will see things you didn't see before regarding that person.
    Lately research suggest that we remember by opening the file and then saving again. Its suggested that we alter the memory corrupting it or loosing details. Avoid new stimulus, specially if positive.
  2. Just like Ovideo years ago recommended, (if possible stay as "friends") and then follow his advice. Does he-she has bad teeth? make him-her laugh. Meet the person before time so you can see him-her without adjusting her-his image. Try to make the person laugh when eating. Visit the person while sick. Find the critical point in opinions where you both don't agree and exploit it. A long walk maybe will get the person sweaty, try on a dusty road, get that person to be as stinky as possible. Makeup? rain helps. Try a movie that makes people cry. Look closer at his-her face looking for deffects, watch her-his feet, nails and so on. This is an excelent way to kill any illusion (illusion).
  3. Understand that there are several levels (age) for relationships, and the early ones won't exactly lead to marriage, look at the road ahead.
  4. Watch pictures of that person with somebody else, or better, get to know the new love partner.

More than often we build some makeup image on top of the real image of the person, this will kill it.

Of course it helps if you really want to move on (only you know it). The previous suggestions work for deep connections. For new or not so strong connections then:

  • Make a trip together (it create bonds, but many many people end up fighting. Its a good way to get to know the personal details, hygiene and bad habits.
  • Lean some money.
  • Work together.

What the heck... if none of this works, then go after that person and get married :) you have a cosmical connection impossible to break.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

My advice would be to cut contact. Completely.

We ended because we were simply holding each other back. Originally we wanted the same things, 4 years past and we realised there was still so much for us both to do before we settled down, so we split. Because we didn't end on bad terms, cutting contact was the best option (I'd suggest it in any situation actually) because it would have been way too hard to remain friends to any extent.

Ironically he got himself into another relationship with my best friend about a month later lol. I pittied him at first, but some people are less strong than others (and some friends are whores.)

It does work in the end though. Bluntness is the way forward. Six months on I'm still single and wouldn't want it any other way :)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
My advice would be to cut contact. Completely.

That's usually how I do it.

*edit* gave out a little too much information

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

You just get over it.

Scratch it on the ice and let the sun settle it.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

When getting over someone, people say you need to cut contact completely. But how will you really know if you are over someone, especially if you still want to contact them, but as friends, and nothing more than that?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now