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a story about an ENFJ female

Dear INTJ family,

I want to share with you my recent experience with an ENFJ friend.

After almost 10 years, I went to visit a friend who was my best friend when I was a teenager. We were skypeing and she seems to be always supportive. When I went her place, I asked her to take the test and learnt that she was ENFJ. I've spent three days with her and it wouldn't be wrong if I say that we ended up strongly disliking each other. Some of my comments about my ENFJ friend are as follows:

At every place we went together, she was looking for male attention (looking at the waitors, men sitting at the next table etc.). Although she was all inviting and smiling around those strangers, when alone, she kept telling me how she hated her life and that she was having suicidal thoughts.

While walking around, she was always commenting on clothes, accessoires etc of other people, things and people to which I never pay attention. I told her that she was all negative comments against people she did not even know. I suggested her to try to be a bit positive and non-judgmental (despite my J) and I think this frustrated her.

The behavior that I disliked the most in her is her mommy (if not bossy) attitude towards me (although she is two years younger than me and she was always looking up to me when we were teenagers). She did not let me carry my bags and was the 'boss' in every decision. She was also walking faster than me (like a 'leader'?) Although her intention was good, I told her that she made me feel like a 'dog'. She got surprised and slowed down a bit (thanks God!).

Finally, I've learnt that she was sleeping around with men whom she did not even find attractive. For example, she went out with an overweight guy because she values "inner beauty" (her words). Although I agree that inner beauty is the most important part of love, I can say that she was just testing her attractiveness on her fat victim (sorry for the cynicism). She confirmed my assumption when she told me she had ended her relationship with that guy because she got disgusted of his fat belly.

I think she is a hater (she even kicks pigeons that are on her way because those 'ugly creatures are harmful') but she always smiles to strangers. I couldn't keep myself from judging her friendly smiles towards strangers as 'fake'.

Her comments on this INTJ:

She told me twice that she did not understand from my face how I was feeling.

She said that by closing myself off (example: I was reluctant to invite some men looking at us and according to her, willing to talk to us at a cafe), I was missing many opportunities for nice things. I told her that I was not interested in external attention nor small talk. She looked upset.

She got a bit irritated when I found myself in a nice debate with her (male) roommate who was interested in political history. She tried to show off but her ignorance prevented her. Although she told me that she was not interested in her roommate (who has a girlfriend), she seems to dislike sharing attention.

Important Note:

I am aware that she is trying to recover from her divorce which took place three years ago. My intention to visit her was to show that I care for her and support her as much as I could. Yet, I see that we've grown very different personalities and it seems to me that our paths aren't likely to cross in the near future.

Do you think my experience is representative of a typical INTJ-ENFJ relationship?

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I don't believe that's exactly typical of such a relationship. She just sounds like a rather unpleasant person, which you'll find plenty of -no matter what type the person is. Particularly, she simply sounds like she's fairly immature.

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I don't believe that's exactly typical of such a relationship. She just sounds like a rather unpleasant person, which you'll find plenty of -no matter what type the person is. Particularly, she simply sounds like she's fairly immature.

Yep, gotta agree. She sounds ugly on the inside. She also sounds very needy of attention.

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Dear Lord and Case, many thanks for your replies. I agree that she is highly immature. I hope this is a transitional period for her and is just a reflection of her suffering. I cannot believe how a naive and optimistic child becomes such a piece of work though.

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It's not related to type. She sounds disillusioned with how her life has turned out. Unfortunately, her bitterness will likely make her compatible only with other miserable people.

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I would agree that this isn't really related to type - maybe some J tendencies came to the forefront in your interaction.

She kicks animals. She's a bad person, end of story.

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I'd agree that she's not "typical ENFJ" but, on the other hand, you could say that some of her badnesses are partly reflective of her type.

The bossiness is EJ-flavored.

The people-judging is FJ-flavored.

The hunger for attention/appreciation is EF-flavored.

ENFJs are somewhat known for their pedagogical quality. On the positive side, it's part of what makes them the classic teacher type. On the (potentially) negative side... they have an above-average tendency to think they know what's best for you, and to want to help you become a better person (by their standards).

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Wow, I was reading this and was thinking..."Is this my ex girlfriend?" She would always look around at guys and see if any of them were paying attention to her. God knows what she did in her free time but yeah...Ugly on the inside bro. Super ugly on the inside.

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^ LOL.

Oh gosh, okay.

I digress. I think that mean people are just mean people, period. Regardless of type, if someone is mean-spirited by choice, there's not much you can do about it.

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It makes me wonder why are some people like this?

No, I think she is just immature that's all. I would avoid someone like her. That girl need more self reflection if not she's going to hit rock bottom and it can be too late for her.

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Never seen ENFJ like that. Maybe that's what happen if the become disillusioned from their ideals.

However I know a few ESFJs like this.

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She sounds really sad, very insecure, and using people to try to make up for those feelings of inadequacy. :(

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I think she is a hater (she even kicks pigeons that are on her way because those 'ugly creatures are harmful') but she always smiles to strangers. I couldn't keep myself from judging her friendly smiles towards strangers as 'fake'.

This part is confusing. How can she kicks pigeons before they fly away??? She's probably a nasty person on the inside anyways.

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May you put distance between the two of you.

She seems like an attention whore, petty and entirely mean (kicking pigeons?!).

Write her a nice brush off letter- "I'll try to visit you next year" etc.

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thanks guys! after my return, she sent an email saying that she was so happy to be with me and that she loves me a lot (?). I do not understand why she pretends all is well while it is obvious that we do not get along well. I've witnessed a similar type of approach in an ENFP female. I guess they are afraid of breaking things off. I sent a quick email saying that I was happy that she was feeling better and wish her to be always happy and see the best in everything/every one. I will definitely put a distance between us. I guess I'll end up really lonely as I break off friendships one by one.

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Ugly on the inside is not a trait, though. Its certainly proof of an ego gone wrong, but not necessarily permanent. My guess is she honestly loves the concern and time you gave her, and she would probably try to give it back if circumstances were right(and didnt require compromising on her self-esteem) and you needed it. A healthy relation is obviously unlikely, though.

She surely needs a lot of love, for a long time...

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thanks guys! after my return, she sent an email saying that she was so happy to be with me and that she loves me a lot (?). I do not understand why she pretends all is well while it is obvious that we do not get along well. I've witnessed a similar type of approach in an ENFP female. I guess they are afraid of breaking things off. I sent a quick email saying that I was happy that she was feeling better and wish her to be always happy and see the best in everything/every one. I will definitely put a distance between us. I guess I'll end up really lonely as I break off friendships one by one.

Nooo, not loneliness! I hope you will never be.

As for your friend, sorry. She is insecure and to an extent depressed. I have been in those shadowy realms and it's really disappointing to the self and psyche but not all is irreparable (sp?). Of course it's your choice to stay with her or cut her off as friends, on one hand you may no longer feel an obligation to her as you once did years ago but on the other hand if you decide to stick with her then, as with any human being of any type, you can say that you were a part of her healing process.

Be well and all the best!

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Do you think my experience is representative of a typical INTJ-ENFJ relationship?

No. I think your experience is typical of someone who's used MBTI to then prove who they and everyone else is. I think it's really natural to look at your friend with the eye's of finding ENFJ traits once you'd read what they are and then focused on the aspects you probably don't like. People change, depending on how you look at them.

I can and do get along with most people once I start looking at where we have things in common rather than points of difference. I was recently forced to work with someone I considered anathema to me only to discover we had a lot more in common than first supposed. By the end of 9hrs together I quite liked her despite the fact our personalities are miles apart.

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