Welcome to INTJ Forum

This is a community where INTJs can meet others with similar personalities and discuss a wide variety of both serious and casual topics. If you aren't an INTJ, you're welcome to join anyway if you would like to learn more about this personality type or participate in our discussions. Registration is free and will allow you to post messages, see hidden subforums, customize your account and use other features only available to our members.

castalia

Why don't I believe those who say they love me?

Throughout my life, I've had some individuals (mostly men, a few women) claim to love me. I have dated a few of these men and even after being in a relationship, I always assume that deep inside they do not love me. They are only saying they do because they want something from me (sex, validation, a girlfriend, etc.) I have left a couple of men who claim to still not be over me even years after we broke up, but I am still not concinved.

My relationship with the term "love" is very partial. I just don't believe others when they claim to love me. Also, because of this, I can never share myself entirely with the person I am in a relationship with because in the back of my mind, I have a feeling that one day I won't be with this person anymore.

Do you guys get what I'm saying? Can you identify with me or am I just someone who has Avoidant Personality Disorder?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Have you ever "loved" someone?

Also, how does this extend to your family; in particular, your parents?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Have you ever "loved" someone?

Also, how does this extend to your family; in particular, your parents?

My parents have been together since they met and they claim to be in love. They are very happy for the most part. I get along with both of them well.

I have gone through several multi-year limerent episodes. I am an only child and a loner for the most part.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Probably stems from some insecurity you have or the fact you can sense they don't really love you. It sounds like both actually. You're probably picking poor mates because of said insecurity and keep on getting into relationships that justify your thinking.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

To me, "love" is a personal feeling that you have towards someone else (or things or whatever), and not really something that means that much to someone else. Being told "I love you" doesn't really change how I really feel about that person.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I make the same mistake constantly, to my continual detriment, although on a different subject.

For a long time I've had a policy of edification, which is to say that no matter who I meet if they're a friend I will take any opportunity to say something good about them, or to take a positive spin wherever possible. Pointing out flaws and mistakes comes automatically to me, so this policy has definitely helped me to make friends as I actually have something nice to say! :--]

However I always downplay whatever skill or talent I have myself. Whenever I am complimented or congratulated I have to fight the urge for self-criticism just to give a smile and say "thanks". My mind refuses to just believe someone when they offer a positive remark about me, especially if I feel like I've not met my own unrealistic standards. I try to have a policy of accepting expressions at face value but it's a real struggle.

Accepting an expression at its face value is hard enough when you're used to understanding the world through iNtuition. Accepting it at face value when you have reason to believe otherwise ... I can understand your frustration.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

If I told someone that I "loved" them, then you'd better believe that I plan on marrying them.

I think it is vastly overused word. I've never used it on a girl, and I hope not to hear it until we've spent a considerable amount of time knowing each other.

So yeah, I'd be a bit annoyed if someone told me they 'loved' me after only 3 months or something. Either they don't know what the hell they are talking about, or we have very different understandings of the word.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Do you guys get what I'm saying? Can you identify with me or am I just someone who has Avoidant Personality Disorder?

I'm a guy and I relate to what you say in so many ways. I'm not insecure (I don't relate to that comment at all). The thing is, this thread (your question) won't really make sense without the stories, in fact even so, only you have the answer. I've been told "I love you" so many times... but I get it has to do with what I make people feel, you know... some people love being in love......... but loving the person is another thing.

Consider this example, I tell you "Castalia I love you" and you won't feel that's true, why? because I'm expressing only what I FEEL, and perhaps what I feel has no relation to what I do (to you). In spanish we have two expressions for love (well many) while you only have 1, the thing is, the other one (not "te amo") has a possessive meaning. Many people who say "I love you" mean nothing to you, me, etc. but to them!!!

Love is not only a feeling, is a decision, a choice, an attitude, and most of all, a complex group of abilities on how to express that feeling into something useful, meaningful and practical to the loved one. Something that has some positive impact on their lives. And let me tell you, many fail there.

Per example, some love their SO, so much, they are really willing to let them go if they see their happines is not together, that's pure love... not a possessive sickness.

Many couples tell each other "I love you" but they hurt each other. Depending on your age and experiences you might be right due to association "the ones who told me -I love you- are the ones who hurted me the most". Or perhaps because even as they say these words, they do nothing that gets to the core of you.

Per example, as a guy, sometimes I meet new girls, we go out (not on a date) and I listen, I help, etc... in short I DO. ME, CHANGOS. And sudenly a friendship grows but sometimes they tell me "I love you changos"... but why???? thankful??? ok I get that, but you've done nothing for me... yet, so, don't say you love me, you don't even know who I am, what I like to do with my spare time, etc.... loving is knowing. But many can't control their mouths and say this words so careless......

A lot of us learn after many years, that even strangers can do us great favors without saying "I love you" while we get home and X or Z says "I love you" but werent there for us. And sometimes we get threads about "shes so smart, so pretty", ok, do you love her because shes smart? pretty? what is love for them? sometimes it makes sense that people ask "why do you love me?"

I love you are heavy words for me.

PS. I got to know a few special persons who well, you could make jokes about what they did, or the words they said, even the gifts they gave... but were so clever... to say "I know I'm not the best one, I can't come with the best words, or attitudes, you are very independent so that makes things harder for me... sometimes I have no better words than the usual I love you... and I would like you to feel what's in my heart despite how silly I can be at times" and I say to myself, I really feel you :) in short, some people have limitations but do love you, and it will take some work for you to see that.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I think I understand what you mean...

Do you have a vision of how people should behave if they really love someone? If you do, and the folks in your life do not measure up to that - it will be hard to believe their claim that they "love" you.

I hate to admit this but sex doesn't create any sort of attachment for me either. Well - to be specific...it didn't until I met my husband.

Edited by LadySpock

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Can you identify with me or am I just someone who has Avoidant Personality Disorder?

this is a pretty open question to answer, so i guess you're just putting yourself out there looking to relate with others who feel the same way... and i completely understand that. but since you asked with something so severe as apd i would honestly say no, it could be a self worth thing. i only say that because you dont seem to believe you are capable of being sincerely loved by someone, even with the experience that you are.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I relate, mainly because whenever I hear it, I just assume it's some sort of facade, even with my relatives(Sure they love me, but it always feels cant). I don't call it APD though, I call it cynicism.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I have had this issue, but I'm not an INTJ. In one instance, it took me over a year to realize that the person was being truthful. In another instance, I knew the person sincerely meant what they said; but I also understood that our criteria was different. I've also noted that people dislike 'thank you' as a response to their 'i love you.' :)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Mostly in the same boat. No one ever gets an 'I love you.' from me except my family.

Although very few others have said it to me. People know that I take things seriously. You don't 'I love you' me unless you're serious. Saying something like - 'Keith, your smile makes me happy' - would make me feel much better than them three little words.

I'm much more laid back in social gatherings, but my friends/women in my life know what feelings I have aren't whimsical.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I think, being an INTJ, you need to find reason to believe that someone loves you (or claims something about themselves). Does a person support the claim that he/she loves you? I think the main issue is that claim without support/evidence is meaningless. I read it somewhere on this forum, but it seems that actions affirm love more than other things do (I guess when it comes to the five love languages, INTJs prefer actions).

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Throughout my life, I've had some individuals (mostly men, a few women) claim to love me. I have dated a few of these men and even after being in a relationship, I always assume that deep inside they do not love me. They are only saying they do because they want something from me (sex, validation, a girlfriend, etc.) I have left a couple of men who claim to still not be over me even years after we broke up, but I am still not concinved.

My relationship with the term "love" is very partial. I just don't believe others when they claim to love me. Also, because of this, I can never share myself entirely with the person I am in a relationship with because in the back of my mind, I have a feeling that one day I won't be with this person anymore.

Do you guys get what I'm saying? Can you identify with me or am I just someone who has Avoidant Personality Disorder?

It is easy to accept being loved by another.

Being human, the struggle comes mostly when we fixate on making it permanent, on holding on to it, hence the suffering the fear and the anguish. Unlearn this perception... because there are no absolutes in life and all human bonds are finite.

IMO only those independent of external conditions/validation can believe and revel in the experience of being loved and cherished.

Do you alter your expectations (however slightly) towards different partners? Or are you mostly the same always?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
I think, being an INTJ, you need to find reason to believe that someone loves you (or claims something about themselves).

an act or physical reason for an emotion?

i would ask what evidence exists to support the lack of belief, but that would likely cause intj analysis paralysis. ever heard of people 'testing' the emotional attachments in relationships? its not considered a healthy trait, usually believed to be manipulation acting out from insecurity.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
It is easy to accept being loved by another

I don't find it easy.

Most of the people who say they love us, have plans for us...

and things get interesting if we don't cooperate with their plains.

Sadly, if someone "love you" will try to change you...

but of course that's not love

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Why don't I believe those who say they love me?

Because you believe you are unlovable.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Because you believe you are unlovable.

but that may still be a bit harsh or extreme. there are a few traits of being an intj that i think tend to lend themselves to certain issues in relating to people, i think most mbti types can have their own. intj's are independently confident without being very emotional.

thats why mentioning avoidant personality disorders was really interesting to me. if you go by certain attachment theory's, i think intj traits lend themselves to avoidance. so i dont think this means having a disorder, instead, i think it can be more helpful to be mindful how our personalities work.

having confidence is a positive trait, it means positive thoughts about oneself and abilities. but i think the problem is more in relating to others emotionally, because lets face it, thats not exactly an intj strong point. so this can mean having less confidence in others... right? guess what? those two are the axis thats used in certain attachment style theory - beliefs and thoughts about oneself, and belief and thoughts about others. measured by those two, you can see why its called 'dismissive', and why its also really interesting in not believing in others claims of love.

so it may not mean feeling unloveable, that could be an effect or affect. it may mean just not having the best understanding, experience, and confidence in other people.

Attachment_Theory_Four_Category_Model.png

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
so it may not mean feeling unloveable, that could be an effect or affect.

Touché. Had not considered that this belief might be a symptom, rather than the problem.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Touché. Had not considered that this belief might be a symptom, rather than the problem.

oh i didnt either, psychology is sometimes tricky and complex so i sometimes come back to things with a different perspective... its like throwing darts at a friggin dartboard sometimes.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I love me, but I don't love others. I respect others and wish them the best, but when they say "I love you" I respond with "whatever" maybe it's b/c I am not looking for an emotional attachment.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

There are 2 people in this world who, when they say they love me, I believe them. My dad and my sister. Why? Because I know that they would be willing to drop everything they were doing right now to come to my aid if I really needed it. They've also made some serious sacrifices as well as endured many minor inconveniences to help me out when I've needed them. I've done these same things for them.

My mom tells me she loves me all the time. I believe she does to some degree...well I believe that SHE BELIEVES that she does. Although when there were times in my life when I really needed her assistance, or really needed her to step out of her comfort zone and/or make some sacrifices for my well-being, she didn't.

I've never met anyone who acts towards me in the way that my dad and sister do (after I've acted this way towards them initially). I agree with Changos; "some people like being in love." They like to say they are in love, tell others they are in love, and convince themselves that they have found someone to love...but they don't actually love the person.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now