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Physical Contact and Breaking the Barrier

I have recently come to a rather startling, yet completely obvious conclusion on physical contact, flirting, and the like. I'll just bluntly come out and state my conclusion first.

The lack of physical contact in my day to day life creates an atmosphere, that any physical touching from my side, is seen as an odd act. Therefore, whenever a women that actually knows me somewhat is touched casually, it's suddenly obvious to everyone that I'm attracted to them.

Including the said women who I've touched. Any sense of trying to warm them up to the idea is completely lost, a sudden barrier from friend to "Oh man he's into me" broken instantly. This of course isn't the best course of action when it comes to attracting individuals, and poses a very lethal problem for any person in this situation (esp. guys due to the western culture of men initiating).

Of course there are some obvious answers to this problem.

1. Do not break the touch barrier yourself, wait till the situation just happens. (Is this even an option?)

2. Learn to cope with the abrupt shifts, and hope for the best.

3. Change my entire persona that I exhibit at practically all times, making it not so difficult to break the touch barrier. This has a major flaw unfortunately.

4. Only break the touch barrier with people that barely know me in the first place, meaning that I barely know them.

Addressing the points in order: The first is far from practical, eliminating a huge pool of possible dates right from the get go. Although I'm not compatible with most people, I would rather be safe and be able to date just in case, rather than find someone awesome and be stuck. The second is, while better than the first, destroys a lot of potential sexual attraction. It is my current method of going about this horrible situation, but something in myself says there is a better solution. (Elegance of Ni?)

The major flaw in the third option, is that not only is this going to become a huge drain on me, but it's going to become expected of me. Touching other people is something that is completely black and white for me, caring going hand in hand with it. My primary love language is touch, and I find that anyone I do not care for in any meaningful creates a huge strain on me. My friends that I do care for are free to casually do so, but it's still ingrained from day 1 in them, I'm not to be touched.

The last one is very interesting, as it explains how I met my second girlfriend. With a quick burst of obvious attraction there was no reason to not let her touch me, and so casual touching turned into flirting within the night. There was still the problem though with not learning enough about who she was.

In summary

My day to day life does not include touching other people, and relative to that, any contact with females creates negative attention.

First of all, what is the best option in this circumstance? Also, I've been wondering if this is a common problem amongst introverts, IXTX, INTX, or is it just me? I am looking forward to talking about this topic in great detail. :)

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I very rarely touch people, very very rarely so people notice when I do. I developed a strategy for getting around it which is when I am laughing with other people I occasionally very quickly and very lightly touch their arm in a friendly ( not pervy) way while we are still laughing. It only lasts half a second. As I'm female I can do this to both men and women without it being odd (well so I think!) and its not about fancying people. Because we are laughing together it avoids that uncomfortable moment. Works for me. Start with a few people you don't fancy and try to have some fun with it.

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What is the problem exactly? (In terms of what you are trying to achieve versus what exactly transpires). Please elaborate more.

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Firstly, if you wait too long to initiate physical contact it will probably seem awkward and unnatural.

Secondly, think "playful." Sometimes a light shoulder shove is more effective than a hand touch. Obviously it has to be in context with the conversation, e.g. if she says something you disagree with.

I would say that's the key thing. It is your state of mind which is critical - that will affect how your tactile gestures come across. If you are nervous and stiff inside, your touching will not evoke positive reactions.

Maybe I'm projecting, but I get the sense that many people here are ÜBER-SERIOUS and haven't really learned how to relax, let go and not give a f...

I recommend a viewing of Real Genius.

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Probably you're the only one who notices or thinks about it - has anyone actually commented on it, or is it just that you suddenly feel exposed?

I'd try to not make such a big deal of it, and not to overthink it - that might make it look a bit unnatural. And I agree with Haumea - relax.

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Talk about over-analyzing!

I would wait for the woman to break the touch barrier. My opinion. Unless she's intj, in which case, you'll probably be waiting for 3x as long. You can try getting nearer to the woman, just wait for her to do the touching.

Also, are you talking about before or after a first date? After a first date, it's ok. Before a first date, well? Why don't you just ask the woman for a date before agonizing over the touching problem?

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Talk about over-analyzing!

I would wait for the woman to break the touch barrier. My opinion. Unless she's intj, in which case, you'll probably be waiting for 3x as long. You can try getting nearer to the woman, just wait for her to do the touching.

Also, are you talking about before or after a first date? After a first date, it's ok. Before a first date, well? Why don't you just ask the woman for a date before agonizing over the touching problem?

Women tend to want the guy to make the first move. I usually go for touching the hair after complimenting something about them. I have a friend who learned a bit of palm reading so he offers to read palms. Women offer him their hand easily enough. From there he leads them according to their palm reading...

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I tend to be somewhat touchy feely. I think it is because I grew up with dogs as pets.

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What is the problem exactly? (In terms of what you are trying to achieve versus what exactly transpires). Please elaborate more.

What I am trying to achieve, is a smooth transition from new friend to relationship, without it suddenly becoming awkward because I'm breaking the touch barrier. What actually happens is the woman is fine with the contact, but everyone around me and her suddenly realize that I'm attracted to them. I would rather gradually reveal it, rather than having it just explode open one day.

Firstly, if you wait too long to initiate physical contact it will probably seem awkward and unnatural.

Secondly, think "playful." Sometimes a light shoulder shove is more effective than a hand touch. Obviously it has to be in context with the conversation, e.g. if she says something you disagree with.

I would say that's the key thing. It is your state of mind which is critical - that will affect how your tactile gestures come across. If you are nervous and stiff inside, your touching will not evoke positive reactions.

Maybe I'm projecting, but I get the sense that many people here are ÜBER-SERIOUS and haven't really learned how to relax, let go and not give a f...

It's the first point you're making I'm worried about. Even if I become the most relaxed person possible when touching them, they will be able to tell from their past experiences with me. I think I could work on being more playful at the very least, even though the touch itself usually goes over fine.

Probably you're the only one who notices or thinks about it - has anyone actually commented on it, or is it just that you suddenly feel exposed?

I'd try to not make such a big deal of it, and not to overthink it - that might make it look a bit unnatural. And I agree with Haumea - relax.

Maybe I am blowing this out of proportion... I guess now I'm wondering how not to overthink it. :p However, people have commented on it before.

Look up kino escalation and see how it goes.

Will do.

Talk about over-analyzing!

I would wait for the woman to break the touch barrier. My opinion. Unless she's intj, in which case, you'll probably be waiting for 3x as long. You can try getting nearer to the woman, just wait for her to do the touching.

Also, are you talking about before or after a first date? After a first date, it's ok. Before a first date, well? Why don't you just ask the woman for a date before agonizing over the touching problem?

I'm not talking about a specific case here, rather, generally. As to more specific things, I'm referring to the time before the first date, and before interest is fully disclosed to the other person. You know, casual touching.

I'll get back to this once I read up on Kino Escalation.

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I tend to be somewhat touchy feely. I think it is because I grew up with dogs as pets.

I've heard men are like dogs if you train them with consistency.

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First of all, what is the best option in this circumstance? Also, I've been wondering if this is a common problem amongst introverts, IXTX, INTX, or is it just me? I am looking forward to talking about this topic in great detail. :)

You're most likely not being very casual and friendly about it - but that aside. Don't touch the girls before spending some fun time with them and asking them out on a date first.

Alternatively go out and meet people outside of your circle.

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I've heard men are like dogs if you train them with consistency.

Excellent!!! I want a male Great Pyrenees!!!

http://www.akc.org/breeds/great_pyrenees/

In nature, the Great Pyrenees is confident, gentle, and affectionate. While territorial and protective of his flock or family when necessary, his general demeanor is one of quiet composure, both patient and tolerant. He is strong willed, independent and somewhat reserved, yet attentive, fearless and loyal to his charges both human and animal.

While affectionate with his family and quiet and tolerant in general, if there is something to guard or protect, the Great Pyrenees can become quite territorial. Because they were bred to work independently and make decisions on their own, Pyrs may not be the star of the local obedience class.

Edited by AnaK

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Women tend to want the guy to make the first move. I usually go for touching the hair after complimenting something about them. I have a friend who learned a bit of palm reading so he offers to read palms. Women offer him their hand easily enough. From there he leads them according to their palm reading...

I'm sure this would just come off awkward for me. I rarely touch anyone, and almost never intentionally (I can think of 2 cases I did in the past year). If I touch someone, it's immediately followed by a "I'm sorry" or something of the like.

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However, for a relationship you have to be comfortable touching people.

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If I'm understanding you right Zsych, you're suggesting just skip casual contact and go straight to asking them out? I mean, I know it's not my strong suit but isn't that... abrupt for most females? Also, once I'm on the first date, touching isn't a huge problem (As long as I haven't obsessed over it).

To Autumnleaf: This is EXACTLY what I was hoping to find, as it describes the problem rather perfectly. It truly does make the whole first touch a problem, because it sets me up as a "not very touchy guy".

In fact maybe my problem is a combination of being a not touchy, and not being attracted to people right off the bat. If I'm not attracted to them in any way within the first 5-10 minutes, any touching after that point feels unnatural. This is a huge problem since I don't develop attraction until weeks after meeting someone generally.

For those who haven't checked out Kino Escalation, I would recommend you do so, as it's very interesting.

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It's the first point you're making I'm worried about. Even if I become the most relaxed person possible when touching them, they will be able to tell from their past experiences with me. I think I could work on being more playful at the very least, even though the touch itself usually goes over fine.

Well, if you're worried about that, then start afresh with someone else. Fish, sea, etc.

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