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theatresk8

INFP+INTJ attraction: can it work? (please help)

89 posts in this topic

Just wondering because; I have this EXTREMELY attractive intj friend. He only seems attracted to me when I'm more extroverted, which is not at all impossible but indeed not the norm for me --granted I also don't know him very well at all..but before I make a move I was just wondering about the compatability status of an intj/infp..or if its natural or possible; I had researched a little bit on my own and unfortunately my findings weren't at all gratifying - aka - some articles said it wouldn't work/wasn't likely.. I know its hard to pigeonhole people and/or relationships, (and I don't really like to either at all) but I need help because being around him is a tad akward at times....I'm just not sure if its possible for an intj and infp to work! I was wondering if anyone had any advice about how to approach this, because after all, he is GORGEOUS :lovestruck: Any advice at all from either infp's or intj's or whoever you are would be great--thanks so much!

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I would totally do an INFP if I had the chance. I freaking love INFP's.

I really can't speak for him though, but if your more introverted in one on one situations and more extroverted in more social situations (parties, etc.), I think he would appreciate that a lot. I would definantly prefer that for an XNFP, you can use that X ability to your advantage to help satisfy my social preferences (one on one quiet and powerful, social gatherings I'll use you as a crutch).

Can you disclose more on the relationship so I can see if it will work?

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Infp's and intj's can get a long quite well. I think it's a fairly solid match.

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Judging by how many INFPs are frequenting these boards, I'd say yes, it can work.

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I am probably last guy that should give any advices in this area but I will try.

Personaly I think that reationship between ALL types are possible if both sides really give it a try.

So I dont see reason why two people cant have relationship especially if they share I and N.

Also I must ask how do you know he is INTJ?

It will be smart to check how strong is his J. Because stronger J will surely dislike when you late for 20 minutes or get lost in something.

Dont be depressive INTJ hate that and I think that INFP have good chance to be like that.He will also certainly value self confidence alot because we have problem whit people who dont have it and they are looking for comfort.

All other emotions are ok as long that emotions are not too expressed.

INTJs usually enjoy intelectual conversations so be prepared for them.

Whit more information I could go deeper.

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Judging by how many INFPs are frequenting these boards, I'd say yes, it can work.

Judging from how many INFPs are frequenting these boards, I'd say yes, they WANT it to work.

At least, I do.:thumbsup:

I keep hearing good things from the nice resident INTJs, so I'm hopeful. If my favorite INTJ would make up his mind, I could tell you for sure.

I'm rooting for you!

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I wouldn't look too deeply into type theory, if you want to date him, then date him. Are you compatible with him as an individual? If so, then go for it, what do you have to lose?

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It appears that INTJ's get along swimmingly with INFP's, at least in these forums. I'm not sure how it would go in regular life when they are living in close proximity (I think antisocial one has a point there about punctuality, albeit a relatively minor one), but at least they make great conversation together. I think the main attraction is probably the humor; INTJ's tend towards darker, more morbid humor, but value some light, zany humor on a regular basis to lighten the mood and give a change of pace.

I wonder if the INFP's understand the darker side of INTJ humor? Does anyone know?

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It appears that INTJ's get along swimmingly with INFP's, at least in these forums. I'm not sure how it would go in regular life when they are living in close proximity (I think antisocial one has a point there about punctuality, albeit a relatively minor one), but at least they make great conversation together. I think the main attraction is probably the humor; INTJ's tend towards darker, more morbid humor, but value some light, zany humor on a regular basis to lighten the mood and give a change of pace.

I wonder if the INFP's understand the darker side of INTJ humor? Does anyone know?

I've dated some infp men with very dark humour. I think it's a male thing rather than an INTJ thing. My humour doesn't tend to be all that black, a bit grey at worst.

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I've dated some infp men with very dark humour. I think it's a male thing rather than an INTJ thing. My humour doesn't tend to be all that black, a bit grey at worst.

It is a male thing, but I think it is definitely more dependent on type, and INTJ's have some of the darkest humor in the spectrum. INTJ females have plenty to say on the subject, in my experience.

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I have an INTJ boyfriend, and i have for the last year and a half, we get along quite well. He can be an annoying,cold,arrogant, heartless bastard, but i think we compliment each other. :)

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theatresk8, is your attraction purely physical? What other good qualities does he have? I ask this because, while I am sure your INTJ will enjoy knowing you find him so hot, he'll probably be more satisfied with knowing it is his mind or ideas that you like so much.

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My better half is an INFP . . . 23 years now.

It can work out . . . be prepared for the ups and downs . . . especially when you are both down and out at the same time . . . the gloves can come off without knowing it.

On the brighter side, best relationship I can think of ever having.

Good luck.

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INFP's are actually by far my favorite type. I think the INTJ-INFP relationship has the potential to be the most intense match, but this also comes with the risk of going up in flames. If you want to get him interested, just spend time getting to know him, talk about intellectual matters and dark/quirky humor (as others have mentioned)...let him know that you respect him for his unique perspective on the world.

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INFP's are actually by far my favorite type. I think the INTJ-INFP relationship has the potential to be the most intense match, but this also comes with the risk of going up in flames.

Everything I know certainly points in this direction. I think it is because both types feel deeply and tend to take a loooonnnnng time in getting comfortable with each new stage of a relationship. If you aren't determined enough, one or the other can get discouraged.

What I've found on this forum is an undertone of longing for meaningful connections between people. INFPs have this same desire. We will work tirelessly at fostering a deep bond in ways many people do not understand. Once we find somebody to care for, we want them to feel comfortable just being themselves, with no pretenses, and no need to impress. We seek to understand and be understood. We desire completely open communication. Though we sometimes need time to think things over before replying to a question or request from our significant others, we will always be careful to reply honestly and without guile. We respect conflict resolution. We crave companionship. We like to snuggle. A word, or look, or brief touch can keep us happy for hours.

We need our down time. We need our alone time. We need respect and admiration. We need emotional honesty. We need the freedom to be totally and completely goofy, silly, or whimsical as needed.

I think, from what I've seen here, that INTJs are very similar ... just not as "out there" in their needs. It's even deeper still, for you guys. Lurking under the surface ... coming out in cynicism and oddball humor and intense imagination.

And, when it is all said and done, we are both freakishly autonomous. We need to be independent. Our identities depend on it. We feel "lost" if somebody else encroaches or projects their own ideals upon our definition of self, or is needy to the point of clingyness. The biggest problem with that is that INTJs don't really seem to need anybody ... EVER. INFPs know they need somebody ... USUALLY. We just don't need as many somebodies as others do. I'm good with 3-4 amazingly good friends. I would like to add ONE guy to that number. ONE guy to let my into my heart and be the recipient of all that emotional tangle inside that I refuse to let show to the world because it is too precious. That seems to be the part where INTJs and INFPs go down in flames. Many (not all) INTJs that I've read about in situations like that back off in alarm. They can't be needed by somebody at that level. They can't be wanted by somebody at that level. I'm not sure why. Vulnerability, perhaps?

I guess the real problem is that us INFPs have this ideal of "the one" that will fulfill us body, mind, and soul ... and, well, that's a bunch of BS. Doesn't keep us from dreaming about it, though!:lovestruck:

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"EXTREMELY attractive"

"GORGEOUS"

"I also don't know him very well at all"

I don't mean to be too forward about this, but it sounds like you're lusting after the guy. Which there's nothing wrong with that; there are plenty of INTJs looking for a sexual lovin'. Of course if you're looking for a serious relationship, I'd say you'd have to get to know the guy and let him get to know you. There's no way around that. You can study his and your personality types all you want, but you'll never know what can really happen until you experiment. Personally, I think any type can work with any other type. With every relationship there is give & take, and as long as both partners understand & agree with their roles in the relationship things should work out. As an INTJs partner, you should be ready for blunt criticism, sarcasm, thought provoking discussion, alone time, arguments, and lack of emotional connection.

If you're just looking for an easy answer for whether or not you should pursue the relastionship, I say go for it.

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"EXTREMELY attractive"

"GORGEOUS"

"I also don't know him very well at all"

I don't mean to be too forward about this, but it sounds like you're lusting after the guy.

Ditto.

Like I've mentioned before ... what ELSE do you like about him? And does he know about either attraction?

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General disadvantages to an INFP-INTJ relationship, INTJ perspective:

1) P. Will never get around to actually doing anything, or so it will seem. This applies to housework (a general "it'll still be there in ten minutes" attitude), and can seriously irritate the J. INFP's can be slobs. P's also come up with some of the most indirect ways of doing things you'll ever find.

2) "I love you" junkies. INFP's need to be told constantly that they are loved. They don't trust people to keep loving them in absence of direct confirmation. A statement of affection that'll keep an INTJ going for months will have the INFP hungry for more in about ten minutes. You know how repetition annoys you? This can cause conflicts.

3) NT-NF "vicious cycle." Just when you're at your most relaxed and happy, he'll suddenly ask why you're so distant these days.

None of these are insurmountable, of course, but they're worth thinking about going in. And no offense to the INFP's in these boards, of course: We INTJ's have our own problems. ("What, you didn't realize I was crazy about you?")

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GREAT stuff! And in response to the lusting postulate; we know each other fairly well-- when I say I don't know him well at all, I mean that we have only had a few 1 on 1 conversations, (which went down well). The only problem I've come across is that we mostly hang out with other crazy college kids, so when we do talk I feel like we're in the spotlight all the time and I have to be the most entertaining/wild to get attention. And most of my work is involved with theatre, so when I hang out with friends I'm so used to relaxing and NOT being in the spotlight, that its akward for me to be the center of attention in real-life crowd. Its really wierd to explain/make people understand, you almost have to be a performer to know what I'm talking about-- but that's pretty much the only problem I've come across so far..we're VERY different in terms of academic pursuits; he's a scientist and I'm an actor. But I love science, actually, and philosophy; that's one of the major reasons I'm attracted to him. It'd be nice to know, from an INTJ's perspective..what motivates you into becoming interested in a girl on a romantic level without a girl being completely blunt. Not that I mind being completely blunt, but I know him well enough to know that being completely outright about it would scare him off-- NOT that I want to act a certain way to please--I'm actually only asking this so that I don't turn him off. Also, I ask a lot of questions from people and take a genuine interest in their PERSONAL lives (haha). But that's just me, and he's totally not used to it. So I'm basically asking what qualities INTJ's think are attractive, and again, only so that I know I'm not wrong in being attracted to him; It could very well be only lust :thinking: .

And he has been traveling a lot lately, so if it looks like I'm reading waaaaaay too much into this instead of just hanging out with the guy and discovering these types of things on my own, its because he has a life and I don't (haha). Not really. Its more like he has a job and I currently don't ;) .

But I REALLY appreciate these responses--they're very helpful! :thumbsup:

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haha yes, thank you. And anyone is free to add any other..insights :P

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Unfortunately, theatresk8, "completely blunt" is the only form of communication most INTJs can process adequately.

Not that I don't love my INTJ friends here and all ... but it has been said (on this forum and others!) that indicating interest to one requires the verbal equivalent of a brick hurled with Herculean force between his/her eyes.

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be yourself. either he will like you or he will not. If you trick him into liking you it's only going to piss him off later when he discovers that he's been deceived and it won't work out anyway.

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If not blunt, at least clear. When my INFP boyfriend and I were getting to know each other, sometimes I'd wonder if particular things he did were out of romantic interest or just being friendly…I wanted to reciprocate, but it was sort of difficult since I wasn't sure what his motivation was. As we got to know each other better, this became less of a problem, but part of the reason for that was that he was clear about it (mostly through his behaviour, leading to my finally catching on/being sure about it, but also verbally, and that was good). If he'd been as inhibited and nervous as I was, nothing would have happened and I would probably think of him now as the most recent in a series of people I've had unrequited and/or unnoticed feelings for.

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I was amazed, when I got out of high school, how many of my crushes had reciprocated, but their subtle hints had been thoroughly missed. I could have had a much more active dating life (read: a dating life).

That said, with that information in hand I did much better in college.

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