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Rsprings

How to get an ENFP?

93 posts in this topic

Recently I have been head-over-heels infatuated with a girl that I have known for a long time. I literally cannot stop thinking about her and it's driving me insane. The last option I ever would resort to is to ask someone else for advice about anything, but I feel that I am at a loss. She seems to have an attraction to me(Though I am piss-poor at reading that). Can any fellow INTJs help me be more appealing to an ENFP. Or if there happen to be any ENFPs here that could offer any advice.

Also, if it helps any, specifically I am highly expressed I and T, while moderate N and low J.

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Just get to know her. Yeah, it feels like a big deal, but really there isn't much more to it.

After you get to know her, then it will be pretty clear whether the two of you are interested in each other, and then the hard part begins.

ENFPs and INTJs aren't guaranteed to get along, but assuming that there are common interests and a real mutual attraction, it should be fairly smooth: the two types tend to like each other "as is" when we do like each other.

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I know her quite well, being she doesn't really keep any information back. Lately I have actually shared more about me than I have to anyone else, though she doesn't seem to see the significance in it. How much may I end up having to share emotionally? I would much rather refrain from that, it's very taxing for me.

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I know her quite well, being she doesn't really keep any information back. Lately I have actually shared more about me than I have to anyone else, though she doesn't seem to see the significance in it. How much may I end up having to share emotionally? I would much rather refrain from that, it's very taxing for me.

It's hard at first, but necessary with ENFPs. That's what they live for.

It becomes a bit easier if you get to know the person and develop some trust.

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I know her quite well, being she doesn't really keep any information back. Lately I have actually shared more about me than I have to anyone else, though she doesn't seem to see the significance in it. How much may I end up having to share emotionally? I would much rather refrain from that, it's very taxing for me.

ENFP's feeler mode tends to be introverted too, so you're going to have to share more than you would with somebody like an XNFJ, who are better at picking up others' emotional subtleties. She is probably not aware how generally secretive an INTJ is because she's so naturally in touch with her emotional state.

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I am ENFP/J and I will say that confidence is very attractive to me. So if you act confident...or it would be better if you could just truly be confident. That will attract her.

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Just get to know her. Yeah, it feels like a big deal, but really there isn't much more to it.

After you get to know her, then it will be pretty clear whether the two of you are interested in each other, and then the hard part begins.

ENFPs and INTJs aren't guaranteed to get along, but assuming that there are common interests and a real mutual attraction, it should be fairly smooth: the two types tend to like each other "as is" when we do like each other.

Seconded. Talk to her, ask her questions, and you'll find out. If things don't work out, chances are you two just weren't compatible. Peta (my gf - yes, she's the one in the ava) has an interesting saying that fits here: "Be who you are and say how you feel because the people who mind don't matter and the people who matter don't mind." If she's the right one all you need to focus on is not making a mistake:

1) Read her carefully to determine whether the subject makes her uncomfortable, etc.

2) Be playful and not too nervous - tease and play a bit

3) Meet her mood generally - don't be Mr. Cheery if she's Ms. Tired and Reflective

4) Don't talk more about yourself than she talks about herself

5) Make the focus of conversations you and her

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ENFP's feeler mode tends to be introverted too, so you're going to have to share more than you would with somebody like an XNFJ, who are better at picking up others' emotional subtleties. She is probably not aware how generally secretive an INTJ is because she's so naturally in touch with her emotional state.

Yeah. I've always thought of myself as fairly empathetic/good at reading people - but I've got much better at it since discovering MBTI. Before that, the way I "empathised" was sort of by putting myself in the other person's shoes. Not that I expected everybody to be just like me - the P in me was always considering a thousand variables/angles...but my own feelings/instincts were kind of the way I made sense of things. So if I met someone that opened up a lot with me, I didn't think it was anything to do with me, I just thought "oh, they must be like this with everybody they get along with, because that's what I'm like". Got me into trouble a few times especially when I was a bit younger!

You'll have to open up emotionally eventually if you want to form a real bond, but I think you can do it at your own pace. If she's sharing with you, it means probably means she likes you (though this doesn't automatically mean she likes you romantically) - I don't verbal diarrhea at absolutely everybody, just those I feel I somehow connect with. I think as jndiii said, just get to know her, in your own way. We don't expect people to wax lyrical about themselves 24/7 just because we do that, I think we're quite good at taking people as they are.

If you feel uncomfortable sharing too much, perhaps bond with her by focusing on the stuff she shares and giving her your perspective on that?

Funnily enough, it's possible that the more you share the less she'll see the significance of it - she might just assume you're a sharer like she is. Then if you get overwhelmed and back off, she'll be confused. If you keep it consistent and just take things in a way that's comfortable to you all will be well. Just let her know that you appreciate her - something like "it's good to have conversations like this, I don't generally open up so much" could go a long way.

It's hard at first, but necessary with ENFPs. That's what they live for.

We live for connection, I'd say. I guess I can sense eventually when someone's holding stuff back, but if I understand that this is just how they are rather than a problem with me, I'm completely okay with it. Though I love it when they start opening up more, it's not something I expect just because I do it, or something I'd want to force at all.

---------- Post added 09-27-2010 at 03:48 PM ----------

Seconded. Talk to her, ask her questions, and you'll find out. If things don't work out, chances are you two just weren't compatible. Peta (my gf - yes, she's the one in the ava) has an interesting saying that fits here: "Be who you are and say how you feel because the people who mind don't matter and the people who matter don't mind."

I like this saying too. Yes, try to match the way you communicate to the person you're communicating with, but ultimately just be yourself and don't think too much. It shouldn't be too much work. If things are meant to happen, they'll fall into place.

3) Meet her mood generally - don't be Mr. Cheery if she's Ms. Tired and Reflective

This is quite insightful. I'd never thought about it, but I really hate it when I'm being emo and I have a jack-in-the-box there trying to make light of things. Even though I appreciate where they're coming from, it feels like my feelings aren't being taken seriously. When I am contemplative, it tends to run quite deep, but I see it as something that's important to do.

If I've just had a bad day, on the other hand, Mr Cheery works great :). With me, you can generally tell from the tone of conversation. If I'm whinging about little things, humour/lightheartedness is perfect. If I'm talking about heavy things, I probably want to stay there.

4) Don't talk more about yourself than she talks about herself

Yeah - you'd think it would be hard to get this wrong because we generally talk so much about ourselves - but it happens! I don't mind people talking lots about themselves/more than I talk about myself - I appreciate it actually. But if the ENFP starts clamming up and stops sharing about herself, it's probably a good sign you've overdone it. If someone shares things with me and I find them stimulating/enjoy their perspectives, I'll open up in return. If I find it draining and don't feel I gain anything personally from their take on things, I'll try to help as much as I can with their issues, and I'll share just enough myself to keep the relationship comfortable, but I'll never go to them when I want a shoulder to cry on, and eventually I'll start feeling a bit like their therapist.

5) Make the focus of conversations you and her

Speaking for myself only, this isn't so necessary. It is a good way to indicate that you're interested in a more intimate relationship with her, so it's a good idea occasionally (otherwise an ENFP could easily look at great conversation and just think they've found a great friendship when the other person wants more...I've been there many times) - but in general I connect through conversations about everything, so don't just shift focus to the two of you. Do it, but not too often. If I start to feel that the whole reason someone's sharing things with me is because they're interested in me and want to get through to me, rather than because they like talking to me and want to share, I become a bit more guarded.

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Rules for attracting an ENFP:

1. Be yourself. Forget about trying to act like ANYTHING other than what you are. We spot fakes in a heartbeat, and honesty is huge for us.

2. Tell her that you're interested. IF she's interested, she'll usually reciprocate honestly, if not, she'll probably try to let you down gently and not hurt your feelings.

3. Tell her the stuff you've told us. We are so naturally open that we don't realize how significant it is for an INTJ to open up to us, unless they tell us.

If she feels a spark, at all, your expression of interest will likely make her more interested. If she doesn't, you need to know that now before you go any farther in your head.

As far as the rest of the advice, this is really all you can do.

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they are easy to get. they accept everyone, but they will lose interest just as quickly.

That's not quite true.

They "lose interest just as quickly" because most people read the initial interest as being very serious committed interest, when in reality, they're just showing all of their cards, and expect you to show your cards, to see if there's a match. If there is a match, the interest continues; if not, not.

It is because they tend to show all of their cards quickly, so to speak, that they seem to initially be showing great interest, as compared to most people who do not reveal so much at first. They don't gradually reveal themselves to others, as a rule. That they reveal so much does indicate interest, but it is still tentative at that early stage.

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i've have some experience with enfp's and i know intricately how they work.

they fall fast and hard, but it does not last because it is not real.

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i've have some experience with enfp's and i know intricately how they work.

they fall fast and hard, but it does not last because it is not real.

It's only not real when it's not real.

What I mean by that is, they like everybody, but they don't love everybody. Attention from an ENFP means nothing, but if they tell you that you are particularly important to them, you can bet they mean it. There's Ne at the surface, constantly making connections and associating with people to feed itself, but there's also the deeper Fi which is much more honest and careful.

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they believe they fall in love with someone instantaneously, but they later feel they "lost" that love. whether it was there or not can be debated, i guess.

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Ok, first of all, you need to get yourself together and realize that you're not gonna be an utter failure in life if this girl doesn't like you the same way. There are other girls in the world that would be a good match for you. Your infatuation drives you to think about her a lot which makes you think about possibilities of her not liking you which make you worrisome and nervous and which also plummets your self-confidence and esteem. Not a good thing! So get rid of any fears that you have before moving on to step 2: Verbalize your feelings for her. Tell her you think she's pretty when you think she looks pretty. Tell her that you love how kind she is to others when you see her do a good deed. Tell her that you like her! It's ok to complement her. She's not going to think that you are insincere or corny. She's going to think that you are the sweetest guy in the world. Oh, and don't criticize her. Don't give her advice when she has a problem. Instead, listen, give her a hug, and acknowledge verbally that her feelings are valid. Hope this helps :)

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ENFPs are hard to pin down and they're nice to most people. Be at least a little careful, before investing your feelings. Don't get your hopes up too much until she clearly says something.

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they believe they fall in love with someone instantaneously, but they later feel they "lost" that love. whether it was there or not can be debated, i guess.

Yea I've dated a girl who was an ENFP and in less than 3 weeks it went form "You're my favourite person ever" to "I don't even want to see you again". As much as I hate making stupid generic statements regarding something as loosely formed as MBTI, I don't think ENFP's are a good match for INTJ's, at least not when they're in their early 20's. Reason being that ENFP's typically warm up fast and can lose interest just as fast, being an INTJ that typically warms up and cools off much slower you're just asking to get hurt.

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Yea I've dated a girl who was an ENFP and in less than 3 weeks it went form "You're my favourite person ever" to "I don't even want to see you again". As much as I hate making stupid generic statements regarding something as loosely formed as MBTI, I don't think ENFP's are a good match for INTJ's, at least not when they're in their early 20's. Reason being that ENFP's typically warm up fast and can lose interest just as fast, being an INTJ that typically warms up and cools off much slower you're just asking to get hurt.

That can happen...that is why I try to make sure I don't lead anyone on. It's not nice.

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i've have some experience with enfp's and i know intricately how they work.

they fall fast and hard, but it does not last because it is not real.

I dont do this to men. Never have. If I say I love you, it means I have become your emo-stalking leech. You are pretty much screwed.

But I have seen a lot of other ENFPs say they did this when younger. I think whatever they feel is very real, but likely Ne drags them around to new shiny things. It makes me wonder if there isnt a balance between ENFPs/INTJs. We open up too quickly by nature-(until hurt badly enough times). You guys open up very slowly. So there is a paced unwrapping, gradual deepening of the relationship rather than a rapid plunge off of a cliff, only to get bored at the bottom.

There is also something about Ni vs Ne. The thought patterns are all crooked and not conjoined, thus just as soon as we figure certain things out about you guys, you change them again and it gives us new puzzles to solve. Built-in novelty.

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Most ENFP's I know my age (21) are flaky, at best.

It's frustrating, just as I start to warm up to them they're nowhere to be seen.

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What I mean by that is, they like everybody, but they don't love everybody. Attention from an ENFP means nothing, but if they tell you that you are particularly important to them, you can bet they mean it. There's Ne at the surface, constantly making connections and associating with people to feed itself, but there's also the deeper Fi which is much more honest and careful.

Yes.

That's not quite true.

They "lose interest just as quickly" because most people read the initial interest as being very serious committed interest, when in reality, they're just showing all of their cards, and expect you to show your cards, to see if there's a match. If there is a match, the interest continues; if not, not.

It is because they tend to show all of their cards quickly, so to speak, that they seem to initially be showing great interest, as compared to most people who do not reveal so much at first. They don't gradually reveal themselves to others, as a rule. That they reveal so much does indicate interest, but it is still tentative at that early stage.

Yes.

I dont do this to men. Never have. If I say I love you, it means I have become your emo-stalking leech. You are pretty much screwed.

But I have seen a lot of other ENFPs say they did this when younger. I think whatever they feel is very real, but likely Ne drags them around to new shiny things.

I don't tell people I love them at the drop of a hat either, and never have. But I get the losing interest thing, and when I was younger I did do that. It actually tended to keep me out of relationships with people I liked because I was scared I'd end up hurting them. At 25 I've pretty much grown out of it. It took a really bad relationship with insanely good chemistry with a destructive person to kind of make it happen - I felt pretty stupid about it and really grew up a lot after that.

My take on love - it's not built on durability necessarily; it's whatever feels like love at the time. So if I say I love someone, I mean it with all my heart, but I also acknowledge the possibility that things may change. I still can't say to someone "I love you and I always will" - I have no idea what things will be like in 5 years time. I'm actually really loyal, and now that I've grown out of the losing interest thing, I take a long while to let go of deep feelings. When I have romantic feelings for a person, all my feelings are for that person, I don't really consider other options at all.

I think the flakiness in young ENFPs might come from mismanagement of Fi. Doubts are healthy in the early stages of a relationship. But for me, when I was high on attraction/love/interest/whatever, and then suddenly got hit with doubt or negative feelings, I felt dishonest every time I looked at the person, like I wasn't in the relationship genuinely - and if they seemed happy, I felt even worse. I think learning that things like doubt are normal, and that you can't really expect to be 100% head over heels in love with someone within a week of meeting them gave me a lot of perspective on this - now I see early uncertainty as just part of the process of figuring things out, rather than something fatal.

Yea I've dated a girl who was an ENFP and in less than 3 weeks it went form "You're my favourite person ever" to "I don't even want to see you again". As much as I hate making stupid generic statements regarding something as loosely formed as MBTI, I don't think ENFP's are a good match for INTJ's, at least not when they're in their early 20's. Reason being that ENFP's typically warm up fast and can lose interest just as fast, being an INTJ that typically warms up and cools off much slower you're just asking to get hurt.

She probably felt really bad about this. For whatever reason, she probably thought that cutting herself totally out of your life was the only way to manage the expectations she'd built up in you. She may have been totally wrong about you, but she may well have been in messy situations before which led her to believe that it was the best thing to do.

This is how I used to be - if I met a person and I had great conversations with them, I'd take that and run. I wouldn't know where to draw the line, and I wouldn't consider why they were opening up to me, or whether it was something they normally did. I'd have, say, 4 or 5 friendships like this at any one time, and sort of assumed it was the same for everybody else. I still struggle to draw the line sometimes, but I turn my mind to how the other person might view things a lot more these days.

It makes me wonder if there isnt a balance between ENFPs/INTJs. We open up too quickly by nature-(until hurt badly enough times). You guys open up very slowly. So there is a paced unwrapping, gradual deepening of the relationship rather than a rapid plunge off of a cliff, only to get bored at the bottom.

There is also something about Ni vs Ne. The thought patterns are all crooked and not conjoined, thus just as soon as we figure certain things out about you guys, you change them again and it gives us new puzzles to solve. Built-in novelty.

Probably, yeah. I typically find INTJ brains pretty fascinating :). And I think the gradual deepening thing is true too - our emo-vomits encourage INTJs to open up (at least when they like us, otherwise we probably just freak them out :undecided:), and their reticence makes us feel kind of crazy for emo-vomiting and keeps us in check :p

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mbti claims ENFP-INTJ is a really good match, and it is at first or in a friendship/aqquaintance/sex only kind of way, but over time it will fail.

they build up a person in their mind to be everything they ever wanted, and when they start to see the person for who they really are it kind of freaks them out and they want to run to a NEW your my everything.

i havent known any mature enfps, though.

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mbti claims ENFP-INTJ is a really good match, and it is at first or in a friendship/aqquaintance/sex only kind of way, but over time it will fail.

they build up a person in their mind to be everything they ever wanted, and when they start to see the person for who they really are it kind of freaks them out and they want to run to a NEW your my everything.

i havent known any mature enfps, though.

Why would ENFP-INTJs relationships fail in particular? The kind of person you're describing would probably fail at a relationship with anybody, INTJ or otherwise. Really, people that are immature with respect to relationships are unlikely to make any relationship really work at all. And I mean immature in relation to mindset, not age - some people are mature from their teens and others never grow up ever.

And conversely, I think relationships between mature people who like each other have a good chance of working out, irrespective of type :)

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i was in one for several years, and after that i did a lot of looking into other's failed intj-enfp relationships, some after many years of marriage, and i seemed to find a lot of the same sentiments... that it was great for a long time, but then things came apart. little cracks started forming into huge abysses. i also noticed other intj's saying they felt like they were doing all the work in the relationship, which i felt as well.

there just isn't a lasting compatability with intj's and enfp's.

but i guess if there were a really mature and giving enfp it could last, but enfp's arent usually all that giving, in terms of work.

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I dated a 28 year old ENFP/J for two months. It went from "you're awesome/I'm falling hard for you" to I don't want any contact with you, my life is too busy in less than a week.

They make great friends, great lovers-But don't expect anything more to last. I believe they are perpetually caught in the "grass is always greener" mindset, which makes them flaky at best.

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