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Third Eye

What compels someone to stalk?

36 posts in this topic

In my life I've met some really different people from all walks of life. But what kind of person tries to get your attention by stalking you online? And I don't just mean looking at your myspace or facebook, I mean sending you message after message after message and knowing when you are online.

I always believed this happened to movie stars or the cute cheerleader in high school or something. But an ordinary thirty something being stalked by another dude seems pretty out there. Why would you even try or want to stalk someone, period?

Well it has happened to me now for like the last 5 months. And I finally figured out who it is (for sure, I had some wrong guesses before)

It is one of my old ex friends (I know another thread about friends/girlfriends.. I can't help it if I meet weird people it just happens.).

I stopped talking to him because he started to act a little odd and began becoming very clingy, not in a touching way but continuously needing reassurance he was doing the right thing.

If any of you read my older thread: "I need help figuring out what happened here" It's the guy that used to ask for help talking to women. We were friends for almost 2 years. It was cool at first because it got me out of the house then he started calling me at all hours of the day and night. Even when he was on a date, texting endlessly. I told him to make his own decisions right or wrong but he still kept calling and asking and really bothering me to the point I had to tell him we are no longer friends. That was over 2 years ago.

My question is why would someone do this after 2 years and how do I get the bastard to stop?

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Perhaps having more Sensing ability , than Intuiting . Other ways to process data...

As an , I must say that , people lack the ability to imagine situations and get a good grasp of people unless something is told outright, explicitly.

When they try to interpretatively analyse a certain character; they may get it all wrong. The result of living too much in the present, I take it.

And without knowing it, being rather offensive in the process...

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how do I get the bastard to stop?

You have to cut off his contact with you. There are privacy settings which can block him from contacting you online on social networking sites and email, use them.

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General answer to the question of what compels someone to stalk: Desperation induced by insecurity and social isolation.

Sounds like the person who's stalking you fits the bill pretty well.

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how do I get the bastard to stop?

Be mean to him. Tell him the full truth and order him to stop.

PS: if that doesn’t work you can always give him a taste of his own medicine and be extremely clingy back. That should teach him a lesson.

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I don't have a solution for how to stop an e-stalker but I will say that stalking is creepy as hell. It's possibly a manifestation of a personality disorder like OCD or serious abandonment issues, of which both should be treated by a clinical professional.

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You have to cut off his contact with you. There are privacy settings which can block him from contacting you online on social networking sites and email, use them.

Thanks for the advice Synamon but this guy is one of those extra creepy kind of stalkers that has multiple accounts both male and female. To date I've counted at least 240 accounts that I can attribute to this guy.

---------- Post added 04-13-2010 at 02:28 PM ----------

Be mean to him. Tell him the full truth and order him to stop.

PS: if that doesn’t work you can always give him a taste of his own medicine and be extremely clingy back. That should teach him a lesson.

When I told the guy we couldn't be friends I tried to be as nice as possible. I also informed him how he was becoming very clingy and over taking my personal time with the constant questions. The last time I spoke to him was about a year and half ago when my mother was rather ill. He wanted to remain friends and speak on occasion and I let him know that probably wouldn't be a good idea. That was the last time I spoke to him verbally.

Online, I didn't know it was him until recently. When he was putting up information on his messages that I have only let less than a handful of people know. And only 2 people that are not in my immediate family. It was pretty easy to guess who it was after that. It is very annoying but yes I do believe he is mentally ill in someway even though the guy has book smarts. I know being smart has no relation to being creepy but I would think someone who invests time to be a good enough professional to get a masters degree wouldn't resort to this.

---------- Post added 04-13-2010 at 02:37 PM ----------

I don't have a solution for how to stop an e-stalker but I will say that stalking is creepy as hell. It's possibly a manifestation of a personality disorder like OCD or serious abandonment issues, of which both should be treated by a clinical professional.

I agree. When we were friends I often felt as if I was his non-paid shrink. The kinds of questions he would ask me were sometimes very strange. Like what type of music should be playing when he approached a female. I wouldn't be surprised if I'm not the only person he has harassed in this way. I would hate to be a girl he is infatuated with, that would be a scary thought.

Once I saw him start to throw around his furniture because a girl rejected him I knew then he had a screw loose upstairs. As I started to distance myself he became more and more obsessive for attention.

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Thanks for the advice Synamon but this guy is one of those extra creepy kind of stalkers that has multiple accounts both male and female. To date I've counted at least 240 accounts that I can attribute to this guy.

Report those to the sites. They should have some sort of stalker policy to deal with situations like this.

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He's just crazy. Lots of people are. My advice is to make yourself unstalkable for a long time. Even though you haven't been friends with him for over 2 years you're still 'there' to him because in a way he sees you everyday. It sucks and it's unfair to you, but if you completely disappear for awhile it might make him move on once he can't watch you everyday. Stay off the real-name social networking sites and stick to e-mails and IMs between the people you really like. Use a brand new alias and stick to sites like this one where nobody's going to find you unless they know your username.

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My question is why would someone do this after 2 years and how do I get the bastard to stop?

Desperation? Mental instability? Here's some good tips:

1. End the relationship together with the help of counselor.

2. Talk to a counselor to help you make sure that you don’t send mixed messages.

3. Agree to give each other a period of time with no contact.

4. Don’t talk to mutual friends or the other person’s friends about your relationship.

5. Avoid places where the other person will be for at least 30 days.

6. Go ahead and date if you want but don’t date the other person's friends or co-workers.

7. Get caller ID on your home phone and answer only safe numbers.

8. Get a cell phone, block your number and give the number to trusted people.

9. Document every contact and attempted contact with a time, date, witnesses and what happened.

10. Do not get into a pattern of being angry and then nice to the other person.

11. Say "no" only once, don't let them down "easy", reveal nothing about yourself, and say nothing else to explain or justify yourself.

12. There must be no contact of any kind under any circumstances if you think you are being stalked.

13. Mutual friends and acquaintances should not discuss the other person at all with a potential stalker.

14. Contact a qualified mental health professional if you believe you are at risk or if you are being stalked.

15. If you have a stalking order against someone, then you should never place yourself in proximity to that person or engage in anything that could be considered proximity seeking behavior.

16. Do not give the person any reason to think about you, talk about you to anyone or by going places where they routinely go as part of their life.

http://www.crisiscounseling.com/Articles/Stalking.htm

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Thanks for the advice Synamon but this guy is one of those extra creepy kind of stalkers that has multiple accounts both male and female. To date I've counted at least 240 accounts that I can attribute to this guy.

Easy solution. Do not add people on facebook that you do not personally know, by name.

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Easy solution. Do not add people on facebook that you do not personally know, by name.

I learned this the hard way. Once I realized all the messages and comments were coming from people I didn't know personally I deleted all of them.

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With just like getting stalked out of the blue I think that's a mix of histrionic, avoidant, and narcissistic personalities.

Stalking an ex is also about personality defects, but its much more likely to happen if one party felt violated or that the other owed them something once the relationship ended.

I've never been stalked by a guy before, but if I had, I would probably discuss it with him face to face and explain that I'm in no way interested in him relationally and to please stop messaging me. I would be very nice about it and have a good excuse (ie in a committed relationship) to avoid narcissistic injury, but I would communicate it clearly and directly.

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i have this problem too, and you know, really all you can do is to is give him the cold shoulder and maybe ignore him or even take him aside and ramble on about something incoherently such as: i am me. me thinks you're icky. me doesn't want you following me around. you are sane. me is crazy. crazy girl me says find people same as you to bug.

He should get the message soon enough and well, go away.

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With just like getting stalked out of the blue I think that's a mix of histrionic, avoidant, and narcissistic personalities.

Stalking an ex is also about personality defects, but its much more likely to happen if one party felt violated or that the other owed them something once the relationship ended.

I've never been stalked by a guy before, but if I had, I would probably discuss it with him face to face and explain that I'm in no way interested in him relationally and to please stop messaging me. I would be very nice about it and have a good excuse (ie in a committed relationship) to avoid narcissistic injury, but I would communicate it clearly and directly.

It really is filled with a "gay" overtone isn't it? ..lol. I don't owe the dude any money or wish any money from him. He was interested in a woman we mutually knew who wasn't interested in a relationship and would flirt heavily with me to keep him off of her back. It may of hurt his feelings for a bit but it happens in the real world. We discussed the strategy involved in that by the female. I actually had to explain it to him. I didn't pursue her because I knew she wasn't doing it because she "liked" me it was because she was fighting him off in the nicest way possible.

I think he may have done this because he knows I don't know where he lives anymore. So he thinks he can do this now and get away with it. I could pay a visit to his regular hangouts but I also think it would give him the wrong impression and I definitely would not be in the talking mood once I see him. I think he wants me do go "looking for him" so to speak.

I've just been ignoring him and other than deleting my profile I don't know what else to do.

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i have this problem too, and you know, really all you can do is to is give him the cold shoulder and maybe ignore him or even take him aside and ramble on about something incoherently such as: i am me. me thinks you're icky. me doesn't want you following me around. you are sane. me is crazy. crazy girl me says find people same as you to bug.

He should get the message soon enough and well, go away.

Except this would (potentially violently) infuriate a narcissist.

I think he may have done this because he knows I don't know where he lives anymore. So he thinks he can do this now and get away with it. I could pay a visit to his regular hangouts but I also think it would give him the wrong impression and I definitely would not be in the talking mood once I see him. I think he wants me do go "looking for him" so to speak.

Do you have his contact information? Can you obtain it? If so, give him a call, have a polite, direct conversation.

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Stalkers believe there to be a relationship where there is none. It's often impossible to tell exactly what tipped them off to fall into the stalker category, but you definitely have one.

Do NOT make contact with him. Do not call him, do not email him. Any sort of contact will be flitered thrugh his brain and placed into the 'encouragement' bin. This is not 'reason' we are dealing with, here, this is obsession.

If you want to eliminate the problem, change your email address, or set the filters so high that only the people you know personally will get through. Somoene else's suggestion (I forget who it was) to report his actiona to various sites will also help.

If his actions carry over from online to real live stalking, report him immediately to the police. It may help to put all of his insistent correspondence on a DVD or something before deleting anything; it'll show a pattern of behavior.

This is rough. I hope he gives up and leaves you alone!

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Tell him that you can tell his penis is small.... that should do it.

on the serious note

Stalkers believe there to be a relationship where there is none. It's often impossible to tell exactly what tipped them off to fall into the stalker category, but you definitely have one.

Do NOT make contact with him. Do not call him, do not email him. Any sort of contact will be flitered thrugh his brain and placed into the 'encouragement' bin. This is not 'reason' we are dealing with, here, this is obsession.

If you want to eliminate the problem, change your email address, or set the filters so high that only the people you know personally will get through. Somoene else's suggestion (I forget who it was) to report his actiona to various sites will also help.

If his actions carry over from online to real live stalking, report him immediately to the police. It may help to put all of his insistent correspondence on a DVD or something before deleting anything; it'll show a pattern of behavior.

This is rough. I hope he gives up and leaves you alone!

GREAT ADVICE. seriously.

stalkers can get really dangerous. Please be careful.

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Tell him that the strength of his interest in you is coming across as slightly homosexual and you arent interested, in fact it makes you uncomfortable and either he has to stop or you can't deal with it.

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To date I've counted at least 240 accounts that I can attribute to this guy.

Obsession is contagious. 30 seconds spent identifying each of 240 accounts is 2 hours. That, plus all the time you've spent thinking about it, probably equals days of your life. You're giving away your time.

I recommend taking extreme measures to sever all contact with this person, and then forgetting about it. If you feel compelled to communicate something to him, say exactly and only one thing: I no longer wish to hear from you; from here on out, if you communicate with me again I'm going to consider it harassment and take appropriate actions including notifying the police. Season that to taste, but make sure the message gets across unequivocally. Do it in writing, keep the message and note the date, and keep anything he sends to you after that if anything. Your aim at that point is to build a harassment case.

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I like most of the advice given here, and I think whatever you do depends on the other person's mental stability... If it's possible he could get dangerous; I'd go to the authorities.

I'd start with the direct approach. Very direct. You should give him a psych analysis of himself, without the professional niceties. Perhaps offer some support groups he could frequent.

You could transfer his attention to someone else you don't like very much. :) Start using his email addy and sign him up for online dating sites....

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Tell him that the strength of his interest in you is coming across as slightly homosexual and you arent interested, in fact it makes you uncomfortable and either he has to stop or you can't deal with it.

Yeah I said roughly that same thing. Something to the effect of " All this time spent on making fake profiles you could have spent blowing up your imaginary girlfriend." I put that up as my status when he kept messaging me from one of his female accounts one afternoon. Then he really started shooting messages from all these different pages he made up. I guess in his eyes he got what he wanted... attention. So I try not to make anymore comments directed toward him for that sole purpose.

---------- Post added 04-14-2010 at 12:29 PM ----------

Obsession is contagious. 30 seconds spent identifying each of 240 accounts is 2 hours. That, plus all the time you've spent thinking about it, probably equals days of your life. You're giving away your time.

I recommend taking extreme measures to sever all contact with this person, and then forgetting about it. If you feel compelled to communicate something to him, say exactly and only one thing: I no longer wish to hear from you; from here on out, if you communicate with me again I'm going to consider it harassment and take appropriate actions including notifying the police. Season that to taste, but make sure the message gets across unequivocally. Do it in writing, keep the message and note the date, and keep anything he sends to you after that if anything. Your aim at that point is to build a harassment case.

It wouldn't be too hard to build a case. I just have to log in and do something on my profile and the guy starts up with the messages. It wouldn't be hard to get screen prints of all of his shenanigans. It is a good idea, I'll definitely start keeping track of what he sends me.

So I just have to go to the police and fill out a harassment report with them?

---------- Post added 04-14-2010 at 12:45 PM ----------

I'd start with the direct approach. Very direct. You should give him a psych analysis of himself, without the professional niceties. Perhaps offer some support groups he could frequent.

You could transfer his attention to someone else you don't like very much. :) Start using his email addy and sign him up for online dating sites....

When we were still on speaking terms I actually did mention that to him, toward the end of our friendship.

He had another set of friends he hung out with frequently a couple of years ago. I guess they got tired of him as well with all this time he has devoted on making fake profile accounts.

I like your thinking but it would be stooping to his level and it would probably get worse. Plus I don't want to waste anymore time on him, then what I've already wasted.

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Except this would (potentially violently) infuriate a narcissist.

Do you have his contact information? Can you obtain it? If so, give him a call, have a polite, direct conversation.

I sort of like this advice. I think the human element that is removed in online transactions warps people's mentality quite a bit and is conducive to all sorts of odd behavior that would not take place with more direct contact. In a less extreme case I would agree to this suggestion and recommend treating him with a bit of dignity in giving him a call in the hopes that he would then treat himself with a bit more dignity and consider your request.

However, this is quite the desperate situation. He definitely has an abnormal personality and with such great efforts to provoke you without an indication of who to respond to, I believe he desires to cause you grief. You have to have his actions reported.

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I have been stalked, although not online. I have also had in-depth conversations with other women who have been stalked. One of the most effective ways to get rid of a stalker is to embarrass them. They don't want other people in their lives to know that they are stalking someone. If you could devise a way for friends and acquaintances to find out about his stalking tendencies, that could very well be the cure for you and him. Failing that, contact the police. People never want any trouble with the police.

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I One of the most effective ways to get rid of a stalker is to embarrass them. They don't want other people in their lives to know that they are stalking someone. If you could devise a way for friends and acquaintances to find out about his stalking tendencies.

I halfway agree with this. I have two stalkers. Well, one is the new girlfriend of a guy I used to date, she is more nosey than anything. Then there is the psycho one that has pretty much emotionally raped me, and that I deal with on a daily basis. The embarrassment technique worked for the first one. Childish as it is (and worked) I posted on my myspace (because no one I know uses it anymore, but her) called her out on her behavior, made a fool of her and she stopped. Instantly.

I thought this might work on the crazy one so I tried the same technique. She seemed to enjoy it, and it made it worse. I think it all depends on their stability. He sounds like he is not very stable.

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