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AesSedai

Fathers treat daughters and sons differently

63 posts in this topic

I found this article interesting.

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Did you notice a difference in how your father treats you versus your opposite sex siblings? If you are a father, do you treat daughters and sons differently?

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Of course I treat my daughter differently than my sons.

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I don't habe any sisters or daughters, so personal experience is out of the question.

However, many of my exes were treated differently than their brothers. In one case, her brother could bring any girl and present her as his girlfriend and his parents accepted them. As for their daughter, it was an uphill battle for her. She even confessed to me that if she knew her parents were going to be so tough on her with her boyfriends, she would had become a nun. I thought that was hillarious, but she was serious.

 

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My brother directly said that if he has a son, he's going to be super hard on him and if he has a daughter, he is going to be super nice to her. My dad personally is different from any female to any male (it's annoying), but my sister is 7 years older and my dad was her step dad (I was the only child of my parents in the blended family): hard to tell. I just know I had the most parent involvement, therefore more nurturing and discipline; more discipline and control early on.

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40 minutes ago, Warrior said:

Of course I treat my daughter differently than my sons.

Would you mind elaborating?

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I don't have brothers so no personal experience.

In my husband's case, there is no doubt his father was different with his (younger) sister and him. His father is not shy about making misogynistic comments, saying he just wanted one son, not more kids and not daughters, etc. At the same time he probably was more easy-going and loving with the sister, and more competitive, anxious or wary about his son. It's a bit sad really.

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3 hours ago, Tito said:

I don't habe any sisters or daughters, so personal experience is out of the question.

However, many of my exes were treated differently than their brothers. In one case, her brother could bring any girl and present her as his girlfriend and his parents accepted them. As for their daughter, it was an uphill battle for her. She even confessed to me that if she knew her parents were going to be so tough on her with her boyfriends, she would had become a nun. I thought that was hillarious, but she was serious.

 

Yeah, this is true for me, as well.  My boyfriend is basically expected to be a good looking, perfect, successful engineer.  My parents never had expectations of my brother's girlfriends.  And the parents of my boyfriends always accepted and loved me, no questions asked.  My current boyfriend's mom signs my birthday cards "Love, mom".  I've never had a boyfriend that my parents approved of.

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4 hours ago, AesSedai said:

Did you notice a difference in how your father treats you versus your opposite sex siblings?

My late father doted on my sister much more than us boys. But I think that it all evened out.

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41 minutes ago, Holli said:

Yeah, this is true for me, as well.  My boyfriend is basically expected to be a good looking, perfect, successful engineer.  My parents never had expectations of my brother's girlfriends.  And the parents of my boyfriends always accepted and loved me, no questions asked.  My current boyfriend's mom signs my birthday cards "Love, mom".  I've never had a boyfriend that my parents approved of.

 

3 hours ago, Tito said:

I don't habe any sisters or daughters, so personal experience is out of the question.

However, many of my exes were treated differently than their brothers. In one case, her brother could bring any girl and present her as his girlfriend and his parents accepted them. As for their daughter, it was an uphill battle for her. She even confessed to me that if she knew her parents were going to be so tough on her with her boyfriends, she would had become a nun. I thought that was hillarious, but she was serious.

 

This is so different from my experience. The mothers of my suitors always hated me.

The dads didn't dislike me, though, I guess. It was so hard to tell because the mom's hated me so much.

My dad hated all the boys who even looked at me, but he hated my brother's girlfriends too. He likes my husband now, though. And my in laws mostly like me now as well. It took a while, though. 

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My parents were rigorously even-handed with my brother and I... except for in one domain. When my brother was 17 he was allowed to go to Portugal, by himself, for 3 weeks. At the same age I was still not allowed to cross the "highway" by myself in the evening. The "highway" is a "busy" road in our village, that had maybe 1 car drifting past per every few minutes. But from the article, no, I remember my Dad answering every summon that both my brother and I made. He expected a great deal of achievement out of both of us, snuggled and roughhoused with both of us equally. Neither my brother or I brought home boy/girlfriends while we lived at home but I don't get the sense that my Dad would care. After I moved out, I've taken 3 guys home to meet my parents and my Dad has been open and friendly with all of them. Whatever my brother gets to do, so do I. Dad takes us both our fishing, both our logging. He taught me plumbing and electrical work and carpentry. I've only met the parents of one of my SOs and they asked me how my academic prowess and evaluated me in terms of my skills and social aptitude. I wouldn't really expect anything less.

 

I don't know if it makes a difference, but my Dad taught high school math/science. He knows kids, in general, all varieties of them. It was his job to help them all succeed. So I don't know if it was his personality that leaned him towards the profession or the profession that helped him with his child-rearing, but yeah... he's always done his best to be fair to both of us.

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I grew up with all sisters and my dad being the only male. Yes, he was far more lenient than my mother who tended to be very authoritarian. I remember asking my dad if I could go out for late nights with my friends, and his response was always, "Sure, I don't care." Took full advantage when my mom was out to do the activities I couldn't. 

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42 minutes ago, AesSedai said:

 

This is so different from my experience. The mothers of my suitors always hated me.

The dads didn't dislike me, though, I guess. It was so hard to tell because the mom's hated me so much.

My dad hated all the boys who even looked at me, but he hated my brother's girlfriends too. He likes my husband now, though. And my in laws mostly like me now as well. It took a while, though. 

I think it's gross when parents judge their children's significant others, like they're the ones dating them.  I mean, I can understand wanting to avoid abusers, drug addicts, users, etc... But my mom, for instance, objected to my boyfriend because he "lives in an old house" (from the 50's).  My ex wasn't good enough because he was "geeky" and had cancer as a young child.

 

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3 hours ago, Kprog said:

I grew up with all sisters and my dad being the only male. Yes, he was far more lenient than my mother who tended to be very authoritarian. I remember asking my dad if I could go out for late nights with my friends, and his response was always, "Sure, I don't care." Took full advantage when my mom was out to do the activities I couldn't. 

Same here with all girls.  I'm not sure why, but my Dad taught me guy things like how to change the oil, spark plugs, and a flat tire on my car.  Maybe because I was the only one receptive to it?  Who knows.  I do know I do not think like either my sisters or my mother, and frankly I feel I am better off because of that.

My mother was and continues to be very controlling.  I do not spend much time around her as an adult.

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1 minute ago, HoneyBaybee said:

Same here with all girls.  I'm not sure why, but my Dad taught me guy things like how to change the oil, spark plugs, and a flat tire on my car.  Maybe because I was the only one receptive to it?  Who knows.  I do know I do not think like either my sisters or my mother, and frankly I feel I am better off because of that.

My mother was and continues to be very controlling.  I do not spend much time around her as an adult.

Same here. He taught me the basic necessities, but we also play the exact same instruments as well. The difference is that he is more practical with the mechanics while I prefer the theoretical side.

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It makes me a wee bit sad to know others get along so well with both parents.  But, I'm slowly accepting the fact that it is healthier for me to spend time with others who are a positive force in my life.  No one else can really understand unless they have the same experience.

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3 hours ago, Holli said:

I think it's gross when parents judge their children's significant others, like they're the ones dating them.  I mean, I can understand wanting to avoid abusers, drug addicts, users, etc... But my mom, for instance, objected to my boyfriend because he "lives in an old house" (from the 50's).  My ex wasn't good enough because he was "geeky" and had cancer as a young child.

 

That's....awful

 
 
...... added to this post 5 minutes later:
 
1 minute ago, HoneyBaybee said:

It makes me a wee bit sad to know others get along so well with both parents.  But, I'm slowly accepting the fact that it is healthier for me to spend time with others who are a positive force in my life.  No one else can really understand unless they have the same experience.

My siblings get along with both, but my mother and I have accepted the fact that we will never see eye to eye on anything, so we will be respectful and keep our conversations brief.

That said, my fiancé's parents love me to bits and have taken me on many trips across the US. I help out with all the cooking tasks for the family since I am used to serving large groups of people. They always want to help if they can, and they have connections in OH if needed.

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8 minutes ago, HoneyBaybee said:

It makes me a wee bit sad to know others get along so well with both parents.  But, I'm slowly accepting the fact that it is healthier for me to spend time with others who are a positive force in my life.  No one else can really understand unless they have the same experience.

I know the feeling.  I have a very strained relationship with my parents and, as bad as it sounds, my life is better without my mom involved in my life.  I wish we could have a healthy relationship, but she's not capable ... I tried for many years, but I couldn't keep trying forever.

My dad, unfortunately, enables her and they have a very codependent relationship ... so my relationship with him is affected because of my relationship with her.

I can't trust either of them and never formed a secure attachment.

 
 
...... added to this post 2 minutes later:
 
8 minutes ago, Kprog said:

That's....awful

I agree.  She repeatedly tried to convince me to end my relationship.  When I told her she was crossing appropriate boundaries, I was "attacking her" and the blame of our subsequent strained relationship is entirely my fault because "I caused it".

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Posted (edited)

7 minutes ago, Holli said:

 I wish we could have a healthy relationship, but she's not capable ... I tried for many years, but I couldn't keep trying forever.

It really amazes me there are folks who can't look inward to analyze how their behaviour affects others.  It's possible we both could have better relationships if our mothers were willing to look past how they feel and see beyond themselves.  

Realize everyone needs to work on themselves and then actually work on themselves, even if that means with the help of others ourside their immediate circle.

 
 
...... added to this post 4 minutes later:
 

My mother will actually have my Dad call me to get me to do things for her... just because she knows how much I would do for Dad.  That hurts my relationship with Dad since I know when she is pulling the puppet strings. 

Edited by HoneyBaybee

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5 minutes ago, Holli said:

I know the feeling.  I have a very strained relationship with my parents and, as bad as it sounds, my life is better without my mom involved in my life.  I wish we could have a healthy relationship, but she's not capable ... I tried for many years, but I couldn't keep trying forever.

My dad, unfortunately, enables her and they have a very codependent relationship ... so my relationship with him is affected because of my relationship with her.

I can't trust either of them and never formed a secure attachment.

 
 
...... added to this post 2 minutes later:
 

I agree.  She repeatedly tried to convince me to end my relationship.  When I told her she was crossing appropriate boundaries, I was "attacking her" and the blame of our strained relationship is entirely my fault because "I caused it".

 

1 minute ago, HoneyBaybee said:

It really amazes me there are folks who can't look inward to analyze how their behaviour affects others.  It's possible we both could have better relationships if our mothers were will 

I would agree with Holli in that you are better off without the parental influence and cannot have successful communications between them without compromise and awareness on their end, not just yours.

In regards to the second quote, my mother knows her issues, but she is unwilling to give up control, which is how fights between us start.

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I gotta say, regardless of the fact I've had a Bees Knees tonight with dinner 😉, hearing that others are going through similar circumstances in life is cathartic to say the least, and I thank you ladies for sharing.  💕

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I'm treated differently to my sister. But we are very different people, and she has heaps of interests in common with my dad, while I think I would just steam-rolled over him having a good day. Not that it is his fault. That is just... how I roll.

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I probably treat them differently but my son is massively easier to get along with too.

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Posted (edited)

I don't think my dad talked to us much growing up. I don't remember having any talks or serious conversations. We only hanged out once in a blue moon if my mom badgered him enough and then we didn't talk during the fishing or whatever we happened to be doing.  He was more like a roommate. When he wasn't working, he was watching tv or out with his friends. I mostly just read books, surfed the web and played with the neighbor kids. Didn't interact much. 

Edited by EchoFlame

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Not in my house. When I grew up, I found supposed gender differences very confusing because I was not taught anything about that at home. We were all expected to do the same things and never told that we should be a certain way or had different rules just because we were male or female.

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