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TigerLilyFL

Flirting with people

31 posts in this topic

Ok, so my Husband has this habit of saying things to other women on Facebook, that I find disrespectful to me. Like calling women babe or talking about the way they look. Aka flirting. He does not have himself as married on his profile either. I actually had one girl message me and say, we need to talk, I did not know he was married. Stated they lived in the same neighborhood together when they were younger. I found out he was having chats with her and she was sending him nude photos, videos and talking on the phone.

We have been together for thirty years and I sincerely love him, but his behavior makes me feel horrible. He says he was finished with her, but I continue to see odd behavior. Staying out all night at hotels etc...

I deal with a lot of anxiety and depression, so I know this is not good for me, but I just don't seem to have the guts to end it. We are like best friends and with the years together, it is making it very tough on me to walk away. We did split in 2013 for eight months and he hooked up with an old girlfriend. I had no relationship with anyone during that time. I feel like I am frozen....

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There is no answer for what you should do. You are clearly not ok with what he's doing, but only you can decide what you want to do about it.

I am so sorry this is happening to you. :sadhug: 

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42 minutes ago, AesSedai said:

There is no answer for what you should do. You are clearly not ok with what he's doing, but only you can decide what you want to do about it.

I am so sorry this is happening to you. :sadhug: 

Thank you!!

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Thanks for sharing, it's helping me understand what my future could be if I continue in the direction I am going. 

I want to ignore the signs and I'm not even in an exclusive relationship with him yet 

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1 hour ago, AesSedai said:

There is no answer for what you should do. You are clearly not ok with what he's doing, but only you can decide what you want to do about it.

I am so sorry this is happening to you. :sadhug: 

Me too. TigerLilyFL, prayers and hugs and good vibes I am sending your way. AesSedai is correct. Nobody here can tell you what to do. But I will say this. Significant other (and in your case being a married partner assumes S.O.) should imply, being married, as not only most significant but solely significant.

That means forsaking all others as he promised he would do.

He needs to make you #1 in his life or you should leave. Communicate to him that his behavior demeans the very covenant of what marriage is and you, personally, as a woman. And then request that the two of you commence marital counseling ASAP. If he refuses then you will have a decision to make. To stay or leave a mortally wounded marriage.

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Ignore everything else and focus on what you can control. 

My advice to you would be to do something spontaneous with your husband. 

 
 
...... added to this post 2 minutes later:
 

Also, as a last resort: a dose of one's own medicine might work. 

 
 
...... added to this post 3 minutes later:
 
12 minutes ago, volleyballjerry said:

Communicate to him that his behavior demeans the very covenant of what marriage is and you

Oddly enough, this reinforces the behavior for some.

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Just now, Cak said:

Ignore everything else and focus on what you can control. 

My advice to you would be to do something spontaneous with your husband. 

I like this! It is hard to know exactly what is going on here because this could be simply carelessness and ego-boosting of a flawed yet decent husband. Something spontaneous would absolutely work if he still enjoys being around her. Definitely a "come to Jesus meeting" is in order.

TigerLilyFL said:
>> We have been together for thirty years and I sincerely love him, but his behavior makes me feel horrible. He says he was finished with her, but I continue to see odd behavior. Staying out all night at hotels etc...

She needs to find out what the deal is but these three sentences are worrisome because he knows, apparently, what he is doing. OP - does he remember your birthday or show signs of affection regularly? Your intimate life, how is that (if you want to discuss)? If he is still emotionally engaged with you, then this is certainly fixable but it will take serious work by both of you. He also needs to be made aware that he will lose you if he does not shape up. You should not live like a doormat.

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58 minutes ago, Beesnthebreeze said:

Thanks for sharing, it's helping me understand what my future could be if I continue in the direction I am going. 

I want to ignore the signs and I'm not even in an exclusive relationship with him yet 

Yes, red flags are a warning. When we met I was 17 years old. Not saying he is a bad person, but I have a feeling he is not loyal to me anymore. When I bring it up, he says you know I love you. Not sure, if he loves me or what I can provide to the relationship.

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@TigerLilyFL I am not trying to come across as insincere: Are you meeting his needs?

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8 minutes ago, Cak said:

Oddly enough, this reinforces the behavior for some.

Yes, unfortunately it does! I hope that is not the case with the OP but you are correct that it may make things worse. But she still needs communication from him as to whether she still matters. :)

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Unfortunately, cheaters don't learn when there are no serious repercussions. I often wonder if they ever learn regardless of repercussions and consider it an abhorrent flaw in their character unless they're truly remorseful which your husband doesn't appear to be. Are you a stay at home wife and mother? The reason I ask is that if you split with him, will you be financially okay and if so, divorce him.

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3 minutes ago, volleyballjerry said:

I like this! It is hard to know exactly what is going on here because this could be simply carelessness and ego-boosting of a flawed yet decent husband. Something spontaneous would absolutely work if he still enjoys being around her. Definitely a "come to Jesus meeting" is in order.

TigerLilyFL said:
>> We have been together for thirty years and I sincerely love him, but his behavior makes me feel horrible. He says he was finished with her, but I continue to see odd behavior. Staying out all night at hotels etc...

She needs to find out what the deal is but these three sentences are worrisome because he knows, apparently, what he is doing. OP - does he remember your birthday or show signs of affection regularly? Your intimate life, how is that (if you want to discuss)? If he is still emotionally engaged with you, then this is certainly fixable but it will take serious work by both of you. He also needs to be made aware that he will lose you if he does not shape up. You should not live like a doormat.

Yes, he is great with anniversary, birthday etc.... This has been an issue our whole relationship, where it was OK for him to speak with ex - girlfriends, but I had to stop speaking to anyone I ever dated before. Though we were still friends.

 

5 minutes ago, Cak said:

@TigerLilyFL I am not trying to come across as insincere: Are you meeting his needs?

I try.... but it is almost like he is not interested. I am... LOL Maybe he is just not that into me anymore?? We used to have a great sex life, now it is like I have to beg for it.

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Just now, TigerLilyFL said:

 I am... LOL Maybe he is just not that into me anymore?

Are you into him?

I am also hoping you're not secretly my mom on this forum asking for advice.

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5 minutes ago, Distance said:

Unfortunately, cheaters don't learn when there are no serious repercussions. I often wonder if they ever learn regardless of repercussions and consider it an abhorrent flaw in their character unless they're truly remorseful which your husband doesn't appear to be. Are you a stay at home wife and mother? The reason I ask is that if you split with him, will you be financially okay and if so, divorce him.

No, actually I make a lot more than him. No children.... he never wanted kids.... though I did at one point.

 
 
...... added to this post 1 minute later:
 
Just now, Cak said:

Are you into him?

I am also hoping you're not secretly my mom on this forum asking for advice.

Yes, I am into him... he is a good looking man & fit for his age.

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Just now, TigerLilyFL said:

No, actually I make a lot more than him. No children.... he never wanted kids.... though I did at one point.

This is an excellent position to be in! Seriously consider divorcing the scumbag. 

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Fucking run lol he's a trashbag of a human being. Save yourself trouble and find someone else (or a lot of cats.)

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When is the last time you guys  been intimate and had a little spice in your relationship? Of course that's not necessarily any of my business but the point is if there's no spark in yall relationship maybe he's outgrown it unfortunately? If you guys have been intimate recently but he still chooses to cheat or disrespect the marriage then YES LEAVE HIM! It will hurt but its worth your health, sanity, dignity and I know 30 years is not easy to throw away. Whatever these woman are doing for his attention you need to be doing and 10x better. Go get your hair styled, get rejuvenated, glow...make him see what he's fucking up. The moment you start to show you dont care is when he will actually worry and if he truly cares he will get it together. If he doesn't...you will know where he stands and you will make your boss moves and move on. It will hurt but in the end you will not be the one to suffer.

Now, you don't seem like the type to play tit for tat and I'm not sure if you have religious ties to your marriage but if it were me I would be chatting it up with men and having me a side piece myself. I hope you not cooking dinner???? OR washing his clothes?? 

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7 hours ago, TigerLilyFL said:

I feel like I am frozen....

I am sorry this is happening. Lots of great advice in the thread. Addressing the frozen "part of you" and integrating may allow for a more empowered move forward. Best to you, TigerLilyFL. Some momentum...

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7 hours ago, TigerLilyFL said:

Ok, so my Husband has this habit of saying things to other women on Facebook, that I find disrespectful to me. Like calling women babe or talking about the way they look. Aka flirting. He does not have himself as married on his profile either. I actually had one girl message me and say, we need to talk, I did not know he was married. Stated they lived in the same neighborhood together when they were younger. I found out he was having chats with her and she was sending him nude photos, videos and talking on the phone.

We have been together for thirty years and I sincerely love him, but his behavior makes me feel horrible. He says he was finished with her, but I continue to see odd behavior. Staying out all night at hotels etc...

I deal with a lot of anxiety and depression, so I know this is not good for me, but I just don't seem to have the guts to end it. We are like best friends and with the years together, it is making it very tough on me to walk away. We did split in 2013 for eight months and he hooked up with an old girlfriend. I had no relationship with anyone during that time. I feel like I am frozen....

It is obvious he is having affairs. You don't want to catch HIVs just saying. 

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You can PM me if you want.  My ex-H was involved with very similar behavior.  We did divorce but we tried a lot of things first. 

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I am on fire from reading your post about this asshole. LEAVE HIM! Seriously.

It's hard to let go after investing time into something you truly care about but I PROMISE you are better without him! 

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15 hours ago, TigerLilyFL said:

 This has been an issue our whole relationship, where it was OK for him to speak with ex - girlfriends, but I had to stop speaking to anyone I ever dated before. Though we were still friends.

This is odd but if you were ok with it ...
 

Quote

I try.... but it is almost like he is not interested. I am... LOL Maybe he is just not that into me anymore?? We used to have a great sex life, now it is like I have to beg for it.

Ok, so my real thought about this person is very negative and I don't think you deserve this treatment from him. Unless you are an open type couple then we presume that your relationship should be monogamous of GTFO. 
However, despite feeling disrespected, you also seem to have the desire to try to mend things.
Since you already know that one of your options and are free to leave the relationship in any moment and you don't need us to tell you that ..I'll try giving another type of input.

Do something really really crazy! 
Set up a false identity account on facebook(or other medium of your preference) and invent an interesting role for yourself. Then contact your husband and start flirting with him. But keep the mystery! ...do things a bit differently from what you're used to, experiment, send photos but in an artistic/provocative/alluring way so he doesn't recognize you, make him want more, make him desire you ... even set up meeting in a hotel with you .. Make it all a big game! Tell him that the most important rule is that when he comes to the hotel door he must be blindfolded somehow and that there must be silence between you (so he doesn't recognize your voice or see you) ...You seduce him and do whatever you like, imagine and fantasize... play him big time.

At that point you drop the bomb! : You reveal yourself. He'll be shocked, both good and bad. Then you decide where you want to go from there ...either stay with him or show him everything he's going to lose. 
You don't have anything to lose, so you might as well shake things up in a way he would never expect. I see this more empowering for you than just sitting there and crying, enduring and suffering his stupid behaviour. 

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22 hours ago, AesSedai said:

There is no answer for what you should do. You are clearly not ok with what he's doing, but only you can decide what you want to do about it.

I am so sorry this is happening to you. :sadhug: 

Agreed..

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On 2017-6-15 at 4:10 PM, TigerLilyFL said:

We are like best friends

I'm sorry, but it definitely doesn't sound like it.

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Posted (edited)

On 6/16/2017 at 0:10 AM, TigerLilyFL said:

Ok, so my Husband has this habit of saying things to other women on Facebook, that I find disrespectful to me. Like calling women babe or talking about the way they look. Aka flirting. He does not have himself as married on his profile either. I actually had one girl message me and say, we need to talk, I did not know he was married. Stated they lived in the same neighborhood together when they were younger. I found out he was having chats with her and she was sending him nude photos, videos and talking on the phone.

We have been together for thirty years and I sincerely love him, but his behavior makes me feel horrible. He says he was finished with her, but I continue to see odd behavior. Staying out all night at hotels etc...

I deal with a lot of anxiety and depression, so I know this is not good for me, but I just don't seem to have the guts to end it. We are like best friends and with the years together, it is making it very tough on me to walk away. We did split in 2013 for eight months and he hooked up with an old girlfriend. I had no relationship with anyone during that time. I feel like I am frozen....

"Lose the guy" is my spontaneous reaction. At the very least talk to him and establish some boundaries and don't tolerate him crossing them, come what may. The hotels, the flirting, the "babe"ing and the nudes have got to go. If this behavior developed over time it seems to me he is avoiding working out problems in your relationship by acting like this. If he's always been like this, it's not going to change anytime soon. Are you sure this isn't part of the reason you have anxiety and depression in the first place?

Edited by Djavul

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