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Female Engineer

Giving up on Feelings

I am tired of feeling and trying to understand them [feelings]. Why in the world am I too sensitive?? Any advice, INTJ friends?

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Posted (edited)

Just objectively observe them. You may note that feelings are sometimes associated with some spatial location, there might even be physical (or pseudo-physical?) sensations. Simply observe mindfully. Then realize that there are just transient elements that comes and go. You don't have to react to the feelings. You don't have to become 'angry' when 'anger' arises, or become 'sad' when 'sadness' arises. You can simply observe as they arise and go without identifying with them or 'becoming' them. Lack of mindfulness, will allow those feelings to take over and trigger associated behaviors or associated thoughts which may not be that pleasant. You are not bound to react to them in certain ways. When you can observe feelings or even physical pain without reacting to them with suffering (or pleasure)...(one can even simply objectively observe physical pain as a sensation without identifying it as suffering, painful, hurt)  you have conquered over them. Better to not suppress or bottle them up, or try to 'avert' from them which may result in repression and other issues. Consistently train your mind with sustained conscious intention of empowering mindfulness. 

 

That's just one side. Also work on the situation or whatever that is actually causing you distress. 

Edited by PillowSofa

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Will you elaborate more on this?

Are you too sensitive with friends or with everyone?

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When it comes to your motivation and the motivation of others, feeling and habits are useful.

Goals can be separated from us by apathy, inaction and procrastination, after all.

 

Sensitivity is less useful than insight. There is no point at yelling oppression and suffering and the need for more compassion every time you see a goldfish. A metal detector that is sensitive enough to go off when no metal is around is... well, broken and untrustworthy, and may need to be replaced.

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For me, when I try to "understand" feelings, it really just means I want to relate them to other people's feelings. I think it's natural to desire this kind of connection. However I don't think our societal structure supports it very well. So you're best off learning to thrive alone without it.

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On 15/06/2017 at 1:41 PM, Female Engineer said:

I am tired of feeling and trying to understand them [feelings].

How about the feelings that arise in moments like-

  • A beautiful sunrise
  • A hug/ gift/ etc from a trusted person when you're unwell
  • A touching scene or moving music
  • Clam chowder on a very cold day
  • Iced drinks on a very hot day
  • Things that rock your boat, ranging from completing a research paper to learning a new dance? 

Ever had something that felt wonderful feel less so after too much of it? Maybe there's a place for less pleasant moments so that we experience the positive ones more deeply? But yes, no one seeks unpleasant moments, and they come at us anyway so no worries here. I can relate to that. And to that I agree with PillowSofa that- 

On 15/06/2017 at 2:38 PM, PillowSofa said:

You don't have to become 'angry' when 'anger' arises, or become 'sad' when 'sadness' arises. You can simply observe as they arise and go without identifying with them or 'becoming' them. Lack of mindfulness, will allow those feelings to take over and trigger associated behaviors or associated thoughts which may not be that pleasant. You are not bound to react to them in certain ways.

 

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Maybe the reason you feel this way is because you don't have the right people around you to make you feel like emotions are an essential part of life. Outside of good people, emotions are useless, I believe. So if you do not know anyone that deserves them, I suggest you abandon them. It is easier that way. 

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Umm.. Ni is the dominant of INTJ types, not FI. While this may lead to subjective arguments to the death, it does not dwell on individual qualities. Thus, INTJs dwell on the current dilemma at hand, not the everlasting dilemma of self.  You want the answer to this question, ask the Fi dominant; not INTJs. INTJs only know how to answer your question circumstantially (as in- you might get lucky with the roulette wheel of an INTJs thought process); but you are betting 10:1 odds.

Hell even if you are an INTJ, you are asking about something only referenced by the mind of an INTJ a minority of the time.*

*So either you are one depressive (as hell) INTJ, or you are not an INTJ, but an Fi domanite.

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Posted (edited)

On 15/6/2017 at 4:41 AM, Female Engineer said:

I am tired of feeling and trying to understand them [feelings]. Why in the world am I too sensitive?? Any advice, INTJ friends?

You think thoughts. You feel emotions.

I think you feel sensitive for two main reasons:

-because you are usually more focused and interested in rationalizing/ understanding your thoughts than reasoning about your emotions, so they feel unusual and uncomfortable, making you feel very sensitive. Like if you are not used to being out in the Sun and exposing yourself gradually and constantly to the beams, it's more likely that you will get sunburnt the few times you are exposed. So you try not to expose yourself very much or at all because you don't want to get burnt and feel uncomfortable. Your skin is more sensitive than someone who is used to it and has already built a tan. 

- When you say that you are "sensitive" what it really means is that you are not indifferent to the circumstances around you. If you were indifferent and had no feelings whatsoever, I presume you'd be a psycopath. Having emotions means you're a healthy, functioning human being.

How not to get emotional sunburn

Understand that emotions are an internal response to an external situation. They can be used as indicators of what's going on around you and tell you what state you or others are in. You forgot to hand in some important paper work before the dead line - it might make you angry. People in the office are scared - there's a Fire. Your friend is sad - he didn't get the job he wanted. Someone just told you they love and appreciate you very much - you will be  happy Etc etc.

Trying to understand an emotion or its causes is no different than trying to understand any other type of problem. It's just that you're not used to it. Like when you find it hard to solve geometry problems before learning the rules and practicing. Feelers are better with emotions just because they have more practice with them. And thinkers are better with rational problems because they're used to solving them. Both have the capacity to do one type of problem solving and the other, it just takes practice.

Understanding the cause of an emotion is a rational process. It's like understanding the cause-effect relation between two actions. If A then B. Plus, all emotions originate in the brain and could be analysed on a molecular/chemical level if you really wanted to understand the biochemical aspects - though I don't think this is as useful to every day life as understanding the causes, it is never the less very interesting.

Sometimes there is no need to be rational and understand. You need to just let yourself feel. If you're Happy let yourself be happy. If you're pissed off, let yourself be pissed off. Don't try to control, predict or suffocate emotions - it would be like putting a pressure pot without a vent valve on  the stove ... It's highly likely going to explode. Letting emotions go can be cathartic.

After the emotion wares off, you can then decide whether it is useful to try to understand or you wish to leave it at that.

Bottom line is that you just need to get used to it and don't oppose it. ( That's what you're doing now - this causes pain) The more you expose yourself to emotions gradually, the less sensitive you will feel because you'll be used to them. Don't be afraid of getting an emotional tan ;)

 

 

Also, what PillowSofa said is wise. Once you identify the emotion and the cause ( if A then I feel B) you can consciously decide if you will let A affect you in a negative way. You lost your car keys - this can start to make you feel sad/ angry/frustrated - but you can decide that this incident will not have those effects on you. 

Edited by Chaotic Enigma

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Posted (edited)

On ‎6‎/‎14‎/‎2017 at 11:41 PM, Female Engineer said:

I am tired of feeling and trying to understand them [feelings]. Why in the world am I too sensitive?? Any advice, INTJ friends?

 

I suppressed feelings for many years. Fe had only 1 purpose in my life: psychological shielding set at maximum intensity, maximum interpersonal distance all the time. I had no friends, only acquaintances. It was like I deliberately maintained schizoid personality disorder. I let people think I was an empty shell. I had contempt for emotions and the emotional aspect of human interaction.

Getting rid of emotional interaction can be liberating. You are free to do your own thing without regard for other people's feelings. You can speak the truth without tact and be tactless without guilt. You crush people who get in your way ruthlessly and efficiently. You do not need love, loyalty, affection, approval, or even conversation.

It is ultimately limiting. While your emotions are suppressed, they are not growing. They can't be turned off completely. You remain emotionally weak inside your psychological shield. You find that your solitary existence is less than optimal. Your psychological shield keeps you in just as much as it keeps others out. You may have wealth, a collection of interesting machines and artwork you have made yourself, a well stocked library. But for what?

While you can get some financial success with your brains and talent, you must be able to operate effectively in the interpersonal environment if you want to get to a leadership position(or stay employed). I have found this to be true in practice, and it has cost me promotions. At higher salaries it is necessary to be aware of emotions and manage them to keep your minions productive. Look up "emotional intelligence".

Treat emotions and interpersonal interaction as a world to be conquered rather than brain chemicals that make people act stupid. This is the only advice I can give, as I have not progressed further.

Edited by JetBlastJoe

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On 6/14/2017 at 9:41 PM, Female Engineer said:

I am tired of feeling and trying to understand them [feelings]. Why in the world am I too sensitive?? Any advice, INTJ friends?

I'm not INTJ but if you are relatively young, just be patient with yourself. Having and managing feelings can be difficult and confusing especially early on when it seems as if the world is going crazy around you and neither you understand the world nor does the world understand you. As ajn INTJ, you relentlessly analyze everything. You probably could learn cosmological physics much faster than understanding why your feelings are what they are. Don't work so gosh darned hard to understand every last detail. It will get better as you get a little older. Just roll with it...

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Lots of good comments.

Emotions are a major part of oneself.  Ignore or repress them at your own risk. Often, "dis-ease" is the body attempting to process emotions that have been ignored or stuffed down.

I struggle too. It's like I got used to stuffing feelings down - in favor of pleasing others or distracting myself.  But it helps when I write or play music or otherwise process how I feel.

 

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On 2017-06-15 at 6:38 AM, PillowSofa said:

Then realize that there are just transient elements that comes and go.

I don´t fully agree on this. 

I read some time ago the following logic conclusion: 

A) You can control what you THINK
b) Feelings is directly preceded from your thoughts

Therefore, you can control what you feel. 

 

In my world, feelings just doesn´t appear and exist as a fuzzy blob. It always starts with a thought. Then the feeling enhances that thought, transforming it to a ponder. And if I don´t pay attention to it, then starts to affecting my actions.

Feelings of sadness or loneliness sometimes really cripples me. I can´t just observe the feeling as a free floating object. At that moment, I AM the feeling. And I hate it!

I´m starting to be able to recognize that what I feel today, might not bee what I feel tomorrow, and that I should wait acting on it. The acting is always about eliminating that awful feeling. That is devastating to my already difficult come-go attitude towards those I have a relationship with.   

I usually try to solve my feelings with intellectual logic and reasoning. Controlling and changing the thought that spurred the feeling.   

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Feeling being part of your thoughts are thoughts. However, they at a lot of times criticize each other, causing a hassle to the brain to be able to operate effectively, especially as individuals, as an Extroverted Thinking dominated person. Any feeling from the outside, will have quite a devastating effect if the external feeling you recieve tries to overwhelm your already strong Thinking ability if you are not prepared to recieve it. Our defensive mechanism, protecting us from further devastation, will therefore shield any feelings coming outside we are not yet prepared enough to recieve. 

One way to look at Fe is to expand the scope of Te. Another way to look at it is to make room for more extensive information from Fe, to complete the external picture and impressions you have built up. But in order to prepare to learn how to feel, you have to evaluate your own feeling first.

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I tend to deal with negative feelings through analysis.  I break the causes down into three categories.

- Stuff I can do something about.  (Am I upset because of something I did or didn't do?  Make a plan to correct it.)

- Stuff I can't do anything about.  (I.E. "Nope, that guy was just an asshole."  It actually helps to review all my actions in an upsetting situation.  If, even in retrospect, I know it wasn't my fault and I made the best decision I could at the time, it makes it easier to let the negative feelings go.)

- External factors.  (Being hangry, sick, sleep-deprived, or in the grip of Acute Espresso Rage.  These factors are temporary.  I just have to REMEMBER they are temporary instead of letting them fill my world.)

If I can't analyze the feelings away, I remind myself that this too shall pass.  Sometime you just have to ride the feelings out, then get up and get back to being who you want to be.  I ascribe this to "mortal human weakness." :awesome:  But seriously, understanding my feelings makes them much less overwhelming.

 

gi-joe1-now-you-know-and-knowing-is-half

 

 

Edited by GreenRecluse

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