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MagnetFranchise

Girl likes me more the worse I am to her

41 posts in this topic

I've been talking to this girl for about a year and a half. She's okay to keep around that long because I don't ever have to try. It's natural because I don't care if she stays or goes so I just say whatever I want whenever I want. Nothing seems forced, except 1 strange element- the meaner I am, the more attracted she is.

My questions- Should I let her go? What's up with her mentality?

I'll be brief. I realized early on when I do things that would push any normal person away, she comes back harder. This isn't just being mean. I've experimented. I've sent her creepy pictures from reddit mid-conversation and put the phone down for the night, only to wake up to her not addressing the pic, but instead telling me how she's never been more attracted to anyone in her life.

 

Once I built her up so much to get her to come over. Made her get someone to cover her shift at work so she could come over. She did. Then after she raced home to get ready, saying how excited she was to come over I just said "forget it." and put my phone down for the night. I woke up to 20 texts with her freaking out. The last 5 were super long with her apologizing, calling me her god and all she wants to do is serve me.

 

I'll do it all- throw off the rhythm and vibe, start acting like I can't spell and am dum, act deep and spiritual then later start talking about how stupid people are for thinking planets exists since no one has ever seen one. She just holds on and tries to go with it.

 

So I enjoy the freedom but now she's super depressed and it's seems self-esteem related. I was over my little experiment and tried to actually listen to her and be sweet as she seemed desperate for help. Now she's gone cold. Oh that's the flip side. When she gets too attached and starts getting crazy, I just say something nice or something subtle that has a very understated potentially "approval seeking" tone to it, like I'll ignore her for 3 hours then be like "Just got home from the gym. What's up" and she'll just lose all interest suddenly. She's been writing me these long and deep journal-like texts about how in love she is with me for the past month or so and saying she loves me. She doesn't though. 1 sweet text and she's ghost.

 

So... I should probably just be nice and let her move on? I feel kinda bad upsetting her when she's depressed and desperate for help because I've been depressed and desperate myself and know how much it sucks. But she gets so turned on when I'm mean and will cut my throat if I'm sweet. I don't know. I don't really care about her so maybe I'll just ignore her issues or be nice and let her go. What's up with this mind set? Self esteem issues? It just boggles my mind sometimes.

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51 minutes ago, MagnetFranchise said:

So... I should probably just be nice and let her move on?

Yes, you should.

51 minutes ago, MagnetFranchise said:

What's up with this mind set? Self esteem issues? It just boggles my mind sometimes.

Yes, self-esteem issues, and you should tell her that when you break up with her.  Tell her she's generally a great girl, but she's way to clingy and needy. Tell her you want to be with a woman who is stronger and who can handle being her own person.

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Either she's particularly vulnerable to abuse or she's a bit insane and in both cases, do you want to keep this up? The answer should be "no".

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>> Once I built her up so much to get her to come over. Made her get someone to cover her shift at work so she could come over. She did. Then after she raced home to get ready, saying how excited she was to come over I just said "forget it." and put my phone down for the night. I woke up to 20 texts with her freaking out. The last 5 were super long with her apologizing, calling me her god and all she wants to do is serve me.

Dangerously psychotic for both of you.

>>I was over my little experiment

Good! Please do not ever play with or manipulate people like that ever again. You would not like it if it were done to you.

>>So... I should probably just be nice and let her move on? I feel kinda bad upsetting her when she's depressed and desperate for help because I've been depressed and desperate myself and know how much it sucks. But she gets so turned on when I'm mean and will cut my throat if I'm sweet. I don't know. I don't really care about her so maybe I'll just ignore her issues or be nice and let her go. What's up with this mind set? Self esteem issues? It just boggles my mind sometimes.

Yes. All of the above. You need to work hard on your own issues and let this girl go, for God's sake!

Regardless of how she is responding, I do not understand why you are emotionally abusive to her. As to why she clings to you, it is called codependence

If have had many women in my time attempt to treat me the same way you treat her. The difference is that I have a spine and I drop them faster than a brick falls from a plane. [And some of them ended up chasing me anyway --- ewwwww!]

Both abusers and victims have serious issues that result in very bad toxicity if they connect. If you care about this girl but are not interested in dating her, then cut the crap and have a talk that you are no longer interested in her and then it is time to move on. Then leave her alone and do not respond to any attempts by her to contact you.

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7 minutes ago, volleyballjerry said:

Good! Please do not ever play with or manipulate people like that ever again.

I'm glad I wasn't the only one horrified.

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2 hours ago, ischulte said:

Tell her she's generally a great girl, but she's way to clingy and needy. Tell her you want to be with a woman who is stronger and who can handle being her own person.

This is unnecesarrily shaming. There is no need to compare and put her down in this manner. Besides, he likes the clinginess so he can experiment on her and use/abuse her. Kinda hypocritical to then claim he wants something else while all his actions point otherwise. 

I agree with @volleyballjerry and @Holli. Stop it. End this whole game, it's so disrespectful and unhealthy. 

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3 hours ago, MagnetFranchise said:

Nothing seems forced, except 1 strange element- the meaner I am, the more attracted she is.

My questions- Should I let her go? What's up with her mentality? What's up with this mind set? Self esteem issues? It just boggles my mind sometimes.

Submissive. It's fine.

If you want to break up, just be nice to her for an extended period of time. Breaking up with her forcefully will just reinforce the attraction and turn you into Obi Wan ghost-form.

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Let her go.  Then, get to seriously trying to raise both your levels of personal awareness and relational virtue.

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You tsundere you :nono: Just ignore her. She has a crush. I think once someone has a bad crush any sort of attention (even positive, caring) won't fix anything because you're paying attention to them. So stop paying attention to her. >_>

 
 
...... added to this post 2 minutes later:
 

edit: one time I told someone who has a crush on me I'd take a dump on him if he touched me and it didn't change anything - it was the fact I gave him attention lol

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32 minutes ago, asnivy said:

edit: one time I told someone who has a crush on me I'd take a dump on him if he touched me and it didn't change anything - it was the fact I gave him attention lol

:undecided: the sad thing is I think when we felt invisible and our existence unacknowledged and ignored by our opposite sex parent, we will crave any kind of acknowledgement of our existence from our opposite sex, doesn't matter if it's positive or negative acknowledgement.

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18 minutes ago, MissJ said:

:undecided: the sad thing is I think when we felt invisible and our existence unacknowledged and ignored by our opposite sex parent, we will crave any kind of acknowledgement of our existence from our opposite sex, doesn't matter if it's positive or negative acknowledgement.

Very true! It could stem from neglect from any parent really. It's sad that some people resort to their crushes rather than opening their eyes and realizing other people do care about them and that romantic reciprocation is only a short-term solution.

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2 hours ago, BostonIan said:

Submissive. It's fine.

If you want to break up, just be nice to her for an extended period of time. Breaking up with her forcefully will just reinforce the attraction and turn you into Obi Wan ghost-form.

Boston is right. She's a sub and wants to be abused. But that's not all she wants and certainly not all she needs.

You arent a dom either. You are just a jerk playing with her feelings. Shame on you.

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3 hours ago, Holli said:

I'm glad I wasn't the only one horrified.

Same here.

 
 
...... added to this post 4 minutes later:
 
22 minutes ago, RammingSpeed said:

You arent a dom either. You are just a jerk playing with her feelings. Shame on you.

Yep.

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You are the reason women think men are jerks. Please grow up.

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I think you should show her exactly what you've written here. If she tells you how much of a god you are after that, marry her!

If nothing else but to quarantine yourselves from the rest of the dating pool.

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25 minutes ago, INTJoe said:

You are the reason women think men are jerks. Please grow up.

No kidding - second that!!!!

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8 hours ago, MagnetFranchise said:

I've been talking to this girl for about a year and a half. She's okay to keep around that long because I don't ever have to try. It's natural because I don't care if she stays or goes so I just say whatever I want whenever I want. Nothing seems forced, except 1 strange element- the meaner I am, the more attracted she is.

My questions- Should I let her go? What's up with her mentality?

I'll be brief. I realized early on when I do things that would push any normal person away, she comes back harder. This isn't just being mean. I've experimented. I've sent her creepy pictures from reddit mid-conversation and put the phone down for the night, only to wake up to her not addressing the pic, but instead telling me how she's never been more attracted to anyone in her life.

 

Once I built her up so much to get her to come over. Made her get someone to cover her shift at work so she could come over. She did. Then after she raced home to get ready, saying how excited she was to come over I just said "forget it." and put my phone down for the night. I woke up to 20 texts with her freaking out. The last 5 were super long with her apologizing, calling me her god and all she wants to do is serve me.

 

I'll do it all- throw off the rhythm and vibe, start acting like I can't spell and am dum, act deep and spiritual then later start talking about how stupid people are for thinking planets exists since no one has ever seen one. She just holds on and tries to go with it.

 

So I enjoy the freedom but now she's super depressed and it's seems self-esteem related. I was over my little experiment and tried to actually listen to her and be sweet as she seemed desperate for help. Now she's gone cold. Oh that's the flip side. When she gets too attached and starts getting crazy, I just say something nice or something subtle that has a very understated potentially "approval seeking" tone to it, like I'll ignore her for 3 hours then be like "Just got home from the gym. What's up" and she'll just lose all interest suddenly. She's been writing me these long and deep journal-like texts about how in love she is with me for the past month or so and saying she loves me. She doesn't though. 1 sweet text and she's ghost.

 

So... I should probably just be nice and let her move on? I feel kinda bad upsetting her when she's depressed and desperate for help because I've been depressed and desperate myself and know how much it sucks. But she gets so turned on when I'm mean and will cut my throat if I'm sweet. I don't know. I don't really care about her so maybe I'll just ignore her issues or be nice and let her go. What's up with this mind set? Self esteem issues? It just boggles my mind sometimes.

Yup let her move on.  End it now.

Try not to experiment with people.  Do you shoot people dead just to test to see if your gun actually works?

Don't be dumb like that ok?

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The way you write sounds like you enjoy this to me at least. Do you think having that sort of effect on someone makes you feel powerful/important or something? I'm interested. 

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Posted (edited)

Hi @MagnetFranchise, reading your post, I'm reminded of three guys whom I've encountered.

One of them had a father who watched porn with him since he was about 13, and the guy soon brought these porn videos to school and shared them with his classmates and was known to people who have known him for a time, as having multiple love interests (who do not know about each other's existence initially). Quite average looking and not very bright, but very charming. 

The other is pretty much a misogynist and his virginity was taken away when he was about 10, by a girl who was about 13 who just walked into his room and screwed him. Since then, he has been one of those guys who would brag about his numerous sexual conquests (including affairs with married women), which were probably real considering he's very charming, good-looking, smart and rich. 

This third one had a mother who was so horny that after having a lot of sex with her second husband, she would still go out to cheat on him. How this guy knew these things, I will never know. He now believes that all females really want is a lot of sex with a well-hung guy and hits on nearly every single skirt despite being married to a fairly conservative woman. Very bright guy who's quite good-looking and rich but still known to be insecure about, and eager to impress, women. 

Very small sample size, but it makes me wonder whether the 'nice' feelings that you have about hurting a person that deeply might stem from some less-than-ideal experiences in younger years? 

Edited by zonsop

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Posted (edited)

OP reminds me of a girl I used to hang with whom did the same crap to me.

10 hours ago, zonsop said:

Very small sample size, but it makes me wonder whether the 'nice' feelings that you have about hurting a person that deeply might stem from some less-than-ideal experiences in younger years? 

Yes that is a very solid theory and I concluded much the same, but I think I am still missing something. Do you think OP might be an ENTJ? Seems dodgy in conversation what with linking distracting pictures and rather superstitious in manners and observations almost like an ENTP. After spouting out this post there has been no further response almost as if relieved to get it off the chest. This is the usual tactic i see employed by ENTJ. They seem so submissive and loyal almost like a puppy dog playing dead.

Such pitifully empty threats can hardly be deemed as being "mean" to someone. Such polarization of intentions goes against the mean stating that you think they are more than average and either way the tables turn that is more power to them.

Edited by Dohavior

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23 hours ago, MagnetFranchise said:

I've been talking to this girl for about a year and a half. She's okay to keep around that long because I don't ever have to try. It's natural because I don't care if she stays or goes so I just say whatever I want whenever I want. Nothing seems forced, except 1 strange element- the meaner I am, the more attracted she is.

I'll be brief. I realized early on when I do things that would push any normal person away, she comes back harder. This isn't just being mean. I've experimented.

1 sweet text and she's ghost.

My questions- What's up with her mentality?

We all feel like we have to do things to impress someone and put on a good impression when we're on a first date.

But she's never felt like you got over that "first date impressing" stage, and that she still needs to win you over.

By this point, most people would conclude that you're not really interested, or that you're not worth the effort, and they are better off trying to date someone else.

So the most likely case is one of 2 things:

1) She is someone who wants to win every battle, and cannot accept losing even once. Some people are like that.

2) She is someone who thinks that no-one wants her. She figures that everyone would jerk her around or dump her. She figures that she's better off with her, as at least you're still giving her a chance.

23 hours ago, MagnetFranchise said:

My questions- Should I let her go?

The fact that when you're even a bit nice to her, she becomes a figurative ghost, means that she doesn't like you when you're nice to her. That suggests one of 2 possibilities:

1) She has to win at everything. You're just a challenge to her.

You'll never be able to be nice to her and have a real relationship. The moment you stop treating her mean, she'll get bored and move on.

As long as you're just using her for an ego boost and sex, and keep treating her mean, then you'll get what you want. But if she ever realises that you know that by keeping her mean, you keep her on the hook, she'll feel used. Since she always has to win, she'll have to win here, by getting her own back. the longer this continues, the more effort she's put into this, and the worse she has to do to you to make sure that she came off better and wins.

So this is good for a short while. But you don't want to stay here for long. A year and a half is way too long. But you have to find a way to get out of it, by making her think she's won. When you're happy to let it end, keep sending her sweet texts, and she'll drop you and never see you again.

2) She has such pathologically low self-esteem, that she cannot accept that anyone would ever be nice to her. So the minute that you start being nice to her, she freaks and has to avoid you so that her fragile world-view isn't completely destroyed by reality.

Again, she can't handle someone being nice to her. So this is not going to turn into a real relationship. She can handle being used. So, if you use her for an ego boost and sex, she can live with that. But eventually, it will drive you up the wall that any time anyone gives her a compliment, she self-destructs. A year and a half is already too long.

She needs therapy. But you can't drag her to therapy, because she'll see that as you being nice, and she can't handle anyone being nice to her. But she could handle you telling her that she's f**ked up, and needs therapy, and you don't want to see her again until she's committed to seeing a therapist for the long time, and been seeing one for a few weeks. She'll do that, because you're being nasty to her, and she wants to please you. But the therapy will help her to see things differently, and over time, she'll get weaned off of you.

To know which one she is, you simply need to look at the rest of her behaviour:

Is she extremely self-destructive?

Or is she one of those super-successful people that always have to win at everything?

Then you know which courses of action to take.

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21 hours ago, MissJ said:

This is unnecesarrily shaming. There is no need to compare and put her down in this manner. 

This is his an honest opinion.  Not all criticism is designed to shame or put a person down.  You can criticize a person constructively.  She already has self-confidence issues so it's unlikely that this is going to make it worse. Telling her that her lack of self confidence is in and of itself the problem can only help.

21 hours ago, MissJ said:

Besides, he likes the clinginess so he can experiment on her and use/abuse her. Kinda hypocritical to then claim he wants something else while all his actions point otherwise. 

Wanting someone to experiment on is not wanting someone to love long term.  She wants someone that loves her long term, and her current behavior has allowed herself to be manipulated by an asshole.  The best thing this guy could do in order to make up for the fact that he's been treating her like shit and wasting her time, is to stop wasting her time, and give her some information, that might prevent the next shit bag from doing this to her.

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Reading the OP gave me ulcers.

 

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18 hours ago, Dohavior said:

Yes that is a very solid theory and I concluded much the same, but I think I am still missing something. Do you think OP might be an ENTJ? Seems dodgy in conversation what with linking distracting pictures and rather superstitious in manners and observations almost like an ENTP. After spouting out this post there has been no further response almost as if relieved to get it off the chest. This is the usual tactic i see employed by ENTJ. They seem so submissive and loyal almost like a puppy dog playing dead.

Such pitifully empty threats can hardly be deemed as being "mean" to someone. Such polarization of intentions goes against the mean stating that you think they are more than average and either way the tables turn that is more power to them

This sounds about right. I'll add to that, that he probably preferred sounding like a premeditated sociopath, than admitting these things all happened without forethought. "Nothing just randomly happens to me, I had it all planned out from the start."

The illusion of control must be maintained at all costs.

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Both of you are sick. She may not be able to help it, but you can. You chose to be abusive and cruel. The world would be better off without humans such as you. But then again, there's a good chance you're yanking our chain here and making all this crap up. IF this is true, she needs help, desperately, and you need to become a real human.

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