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UltraIncredible

Why are so many dating threads such freakshows?

66 posts in this topic

Posted (edited)

It seems pretty rare that I encounter a thread about dating or relationships or attraction that leads to genuine insight and growth for the original poster. It does happen sometimes, but it's uncommon. More likely it will involve self-delusion, denial, doing the same things and expecting a different result, undiagnosed or unadmitted mental illnesses, inexplicable indecisiveness, thinly-veiled male supremacism, reflexive intellectual dishonesty, dogmatic adherence to shallow generalizations in the face of empirical evidence, gold digging as a serious worldview, unconcerned child abuse, unconcerned domestic abuse, unconcerned drug abuse, and a general hostility to the idea that one should apply the same standards to oneself as one applies to others. These descriptions often extend to the responses as well as the original poster. On the occasions that people with maturity and understanding offer something valuable, they are by and large promptly dismissed, or endlessly attacked in an exchange that spans several pages with no real progress. Usually the most dysfunctional threads get the most responses. Someone in chat once aptly described the R&D forum as "a soap opera you can interact with". 

Are my perceptions off base here? Is it just a few loud, irrational voices overpowering the majority? Are people and relationships just this fucked up in general? Do those with the most wisdom and positive experience just self-select against making relationship threads for the most part? What is the deal? 

Edited by UltraIncredible

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Well, think about who is giving dating advice here.  I mean, at it's core, this is supposed to be a site full of INTJs, so that stereotype alone answers most of your questions.  More real answer, a lot of people that found this site did so because they were researching psychology/MBTI, a lot looking for answers to their own psychological and social issues.  In my opinion, it makes perfect sense that a lot of relationship advice here is weird and messed up.  

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This is what happens when you let sapiosexuals out into the wild. I suggest chaning them to their computer desks. It's a humane treatment because they can find people to talk about that one Dostoyevsky novel they pretend to read and other dead white dudes with other fake nerds... Uh I mean like minded, enlightened individuals. This way they won't be a threat to humanity while at the same time we can keep the population of YouTube comments on overplayed classical music at a stable level for as we all know those areas are wildlife preserves for sapios. As an environmentalist it's the best solution to take.

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Posted (edited)

12 minutes ago, catzama said:

This is what happens when you let sapiosexuals out into the wild. I suggest chaning them to their computer desks. It's a humane treatment because they can find people to talk about that one Dostoyevsky novel they pretend to read and other dead white dudes with other fake nerds... Uh I mean like minded, enlightened individuals. This way they won't be a threat to humanity while at the same time we can keep the population of YouTube comments on overplayed classical music at a stable level for as we all know those areas are wildlife preserves for sapios. As an environmentalist it's the best solution to take.

This made me giggle, even though I identify as sapiosexual. To me, it's not elitism, it's (I know, i know, hold your lunch) an honest to goodness "orientation" of sorts. There is no way I can be attracted to someone unless I'm interested in their mind. I don't care what they look like. At all. I feel completely at a loss when my friends try to point out people they find attractive on, for instance, Tinder, because they're just pictures of people. Sure, I think there are aesthetic and less aesthetic aspects to people's appearances, but that has nothing to do with my attraction to them. At all. I hear so much sapio-hate out there and I just have to grin and bear it because I realize the world's opinion is not changing anytime soon. ;)

Edited by pangolinoleum

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14 minutes ago, pangolinoleum said:

This made me giggle, even though I identify as sapiosexual. To me, it's not elitism, it's (I know, i know, hold your lunch) an honest to goodness "orientation" of sorts. There is no way I can be attracted to someone unless I'm interested in their mind. I don't care what they look like. At all. I feel completely at a loss when my friends try to point out people they find attractive on, for instance, Tinder, because they're just pictures of people. Sure, I think there are aesthetic and less aesthetic aspects to people's appearances, but that has nothing to do with my attraction to them. At all. I hear so much sapio-hate out there and I just have to grin and bear it because I realize the world's opinion is not changing anytime soon. ;)

Are you single? If so I have a friend you might like.

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Just now, catzama said:

Are you single? If so I have a friend you might like.

Haha... the person you were referring to who totes around Crime and Punishment hoping it will get him laid, perhaps? ;-) No thanks. But I have no issue with being chained to a desk...

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1 hour ago, UltraIncredible said:

It seems pretty rare that I encounter a thread about dating or relationships or attraction that leads to genuine insight and growth for the original poster. It does happen sometimes, but it's uncommon. More likely it will involve self-delusion, denial, doing the same things and expecting a different result, undiagnosed or unadmitted mental illnesses, inexplicable indecisiveness, thinly-veiled male supremacism, reflexive intellectual dishonesty, dogmatic adherence to shallow generalizations in the face of empirical evidence, gold digging as a serious worldview, unconcerned child abuse, unconcerned domestic abuse, unconcerned drug abuse, and a general hostility to the idea that one should apply the same standards to oneself as one applies to others. These descriptions often extend to the responses as well as the original poster. On the occasions that people with maturity and understanding offer something valuable, they are by and large promptly dismissed, or endlessly attacked in an exchange that spans several pages with no real progress. Usually the most dysfunctional threads get the most responses. Someone in chat once aptly described the R&D forum as "a soap opera you can interact with". 

Are my perceptions off base here? Is it just a few loud, irrational voices overpowering the majority? Are people and relationships just this fucked up in general? Do those with the most wisdom and positive experience just self-select against making relationship threads for the most part? What is the deal? 

It could be just as disturbing that someone obsesses over how disturbing those threads are.  I'm appalled!!!

 

*runs off behind a bush holding back the tears*

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4 minutes ago, pangolinoleum said:

Haha... the person you were referring to who totes around Crime and Punishment hoping it will get him laid, perhaps? ;-) No thanks. But I have no issue with being chained to a desk...

Aw come on it's a sweet deal they have 2 (count 'em, two!) nerd degrees plus I can say with 100% certainty they have read an book and drank an tea which sapios seem to like a lot. Hey you don't know you might even find them aesthetically appealing too!

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Oh well, since they have TWO nerd degrees, how can I refuse? How do they feel about chains, though?

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Just now, pangolinoleum said:

Oh well, since they have TWO nerd degrees, how can I refuse? How do they feel about chains, though?

Since I speak for them I can say with certainty: absolutely great! No complaints even after factoring in discomfort due to chaffing.

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Posted (edited)

I haven't been keeping track lately, but I'll chime in. I think, fundamentally speaking, thread creation in R&D typically involves a problem of some kind. This, in turn, encompasses a problem(s) of psychological nature as well. The OP's initial question and subsequent responses typically highlight this in some manner. And when you consider that a bulk of the respondents may experience similar problems themselves, compounded by the effects of the online forum medium, which is strongly bent towards "debate" instead of helping others and solving problems, the results generally speak for themselves.  

Edited by Bisclavret

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Look, what you have to do is approach the person you are interested in and say words at them, concealing your existence is ineffectual.

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1 hour ago, UltraIncredible said:

It seems pretty rare that I encounter a thread about dating or relationships or attraction that leads to genuine insight and growth for the original poster. It does happen sometimes, but it's uncommon. More likely it will involve self-delusion, denial, doing the same things and expecting a different result, undiagnosed or unadmitted mental illnesses, inexplicable indecisiveness, thinly-veiled male supremacism, reflexive intellectual dishonesty, dogmatic adherence to shallow generalizations in the face of empirical evidence, gold digging as a serious worldview, unconcerned child abuse, unconcerned domestic abuse, unconcerned drug abuse, and a general hostility to the idea that one should apply the same standards to oneself as one applies to others. These descriptions often extend to the responses as well as the original poster. On the occasions that people with maturity and understanding offer something valuable, they are by and large promptly dismissed, or endlessly attacked in an exchange that spans several pages with no real progress. Usually the most dysfunctional threads get the most responses. Someone in chat once aptly described the R&D forum as "a soap opera you can interact with". 

Are my perceptions off base here? Is it just a few loud, irrational voices overpowering the majority? Are people and relationships just this fucked up in general? Do those with the most wisdom and positive experience just self-select against making relationship threads for the most part? What is the deal? 

do you really care?

why?

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Because humanity is diverse, and not always for the better.

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Posted (edited)

1 hour ago, Cord said:

Well, think about who is giving dating advice here.  I mean, at it's core, this is supposed to be a site full of INTJs, so that stereotype alone answers most of your questions.  More real answer, a lot of people that found this site did so because they were researching psychology/MBTI, a lot looking for answers to their own psychological and social issues.  In my opinion, it makes perfect sense that a lot of relationship advice here is weird and messed up.  

Perhaps. If that's true though, you would expect education/career/financial advice to be weird and messed up too, although I don't read enough of those type of threads to be able to test that. It's definitely not just the INTJs who do it though. 

1 hour ago, catzama said:

This is what happens when you let sapiosexuals out into the wild. I suggest chaning them to their computer desks. It's a humane treatment because they can find people to talk about that one Dostoyevsky novel they pretend to read and other dead white dudes with other fake nerds... Uh I mean like minded, enlightened individuals. This way they won't be a threat to humanity while at the same time we can keep the population of YouTube comments on overplayed classical music at a stable level for as we all know those areas are wildlife preserves for sapios. As an environmentalist it's the best solution to take.

To be honest I think the sapiosexuals tend to make more sense on average. And I'm not one of them. 

34 minutes ago, ENFPEACE said:

It could be just as disturbing that someone obsesses over how disturbing those threads are.  I'm appalled!!!

 

*runs off behind a bush holding back the tears*

Well if I make 3 or 4 identical threads to this, you could definitely make that comparison. 

29 minutes ago, Bisclavret said:

I haven't been keeping track lately, but I'll chime in. I think, fundamentally speaking, thread creation in R&D typically involves a problem of some kind. This, in turn, encompasses a problem(s) of psychological nature as well. The OP's initial question and subsequent responses typically highlight this in some manner. And when you consider that a bulk of the respondents may experience similar problems themselves, compounded by the effects of the online forum medium, which is strongly bent towards "debate" instead of helping others and solving problems, the results generally speak for themselves.  

I suppose this is as good an explanation as any. Is it the same on other websites where people make threads or ask for advice about dating? I certainly get that impression from reading the write-ins to Savage Love, for example. 

17 minutes ago, toki said:

do you really care?

why?

Why care what holds atoms together, or what makes the sky blue, or what's behind the difference between introverts and extraverts? 

25 minutes ago, Agriculture said:

Look, what you have to do is approach the person you are interested in and say words at them, concealing your existence is ineffectual.

Wat

Edited by UltraIncredible

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2 hours ago, UltraIncredible said:

Usually the most dysfunctional threads get the most responses. Someone in chat once aptly described the R&D forum as "a soap opera you can interact with". 

Are you hating on Prom Queen Angst? It's a thing that came back. Like vinyls.

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Posted (edited)

54 minutes ago, UltraIncredible said:

To be honest I think the sapiosexuals tend to make more sense on average. And I'm not one of them.

18072869_10210906707895536_338743870_n.j

 

Edited by catzama

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Do you mean the "Why Do Guys Tend To Be Silent In The Bedroom?" thread? 1f602.png

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1 hour ago, 0987654321 said:

Do you mean the "Why Do Guys Tend To Be Silent In The Bedroom?" thread?

Just one of many thread topics which initially appeal to an urge to respond with bullet-pointed vulgarity!

 

 

 

 

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2 hours ago, 0987654321 said:

Do you mean the "Why Do Guys Tend To Be Silent In The Bedroom?" thread? 1f602.png

No, that one's pretty mellow as far as these things go. A better example would be something like "My guy is silent in the bedroom. Does that mean he's cheating on me with my best friend?!"

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6 hours ago, UltraIncredible said:

On the occasions that people with maturity and understanding offer something valuable

Then you find out said person is just an average Joe caught up in the same problems. Then an idealist NF type gets triggered and starts spouting off about the power of love and hero worship. Then another rational fellow starts yelling GAAAY, and asking about why so much pedophilia? And the cycle just goes on and on.

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7 hours ago, UltraIncredible said:

Are people and relationships just this fucked up in general?

Pretty much, yeah.

I don't think the sorts of things you see on here would be much different than what you'd see if you picked out some random people in the general population and got them talking about the same stuff. If you're expecting to find anything rational in how people approach and function in relationships, you'll always be let down. 

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My vote is tainted since I havn't opened many of the recent entries in this sub forum.

That said I see no problem with this relationships sub forum.

Half of the OPs are cute variations of "She smiled at me twice in three weeks, do you think I should ask her out". I personally like those threads as it makes me feel like I am not the only person who can't read signals and over analyses minutia.

Another 30 percent are generally an opportunity to flirt and frolic with each other (what outfits do you find sexy with a reason, what songs do you like to make out to) and another 20% offer the chance to regale people with tails of your past love affairs (anyone here who has dated an ESFP etc)

I give both dating sub forums on this web site two thumbs up. 

 

 

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5 hours ago, Hurricane said:

That said I see no problem with this relationships sub forum.

I give both dating sub forums on this web site two thumbs up. 

 

I agree.  For puzzle solvers, there's nothing more puzzling than the typical relationship or gender interaction.  I say let the confusion and wild ideas flow.....it's refreshing as well to see subjects where there's nothing to cite.

5 hours ago, Nemesis said:

Pretty much, yeah.

I don't think the sorts of things you see on here would be much different than what you'd see if you picked out some random people in the general population and got them talking about the same stuff. If you're expecting to find anything rational in how people approach and function in relationships, you'll always be let down. 

haha...yes, we're all aware of the divorce rate and how castles of marriage crumble.  Imagine if we knew the "non-marriage, exclusive relationship failure rate".   People all around the world, of many personality types and walks of life fuck this up on the regular.  This forum could not possibly be any different.  I see no issue with sorting through this pile of blood and guts.

 

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10 hours ago, 0987654321 said:

Do you mean the "Why Do Guys Tend To Be Silent In The Bedroom?" thread? 1f602.png

I like this thread. Now I know who are the screamers and grunters. 

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