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AOA

Is he a giant tool?

215 posts in this topic
53 minutes ago, AOA said:

If you call your partner "stupid" and their feelings are hurt, that's your fault - not theirs. Of course people shouldn't be over sensitive or codependent to one another, but everyone owes a duty of care to their loved ones.

 

Of course. Thats what people expect. But this story sounds a lot like virgin and the horny guy in a relationship. And lets not forget she had sex with him too. I guess most women like to think of sex as commodity. They try to get attention of guys, but they play games that sometimes fail. This time the male team wins. She wanted to play the game of sex is everything and if we have sex we must stay together. But realistically relationships are more than sex. She can have as much as sex with a guy as she can and still fail in a relationship. The guy might be a tool, but every guy knows he can get sex elsewhere if he likes. Women put too much value on sex and forget about the true meaning of relationship. Its much more than sex and if its all about sex then the guy will have sex and leave thereafter, because he knows hes just wasting his time and here time.

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40 minutes ago, AOA said:

If you call your partner "stupid" and their feelings are hurt, that's your fault - not theirs. Of course people shouldn't be over sensitive or codependent to one another, but everyone owes a duty of care to their loved ones.

 

There's a lot of literature (about boundaries) pertaining to which person is responsible for which person's actions and feelings.

I've found it works best, for learning or growth, to take the idea as far as you can take it. In your imaginary case above, someone took an action: to get involved with someone who would call their partner stupid. Take responsibility for that, for getting involved, and for your feelings afterward. The other person, the one calling their partner stupid, has their own path and their own lessons to learn. 

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On ‎2017‎/‎03‎/‎20 at 0:03 PM, AOA said:

Is he a giant tool? Or is she somehow also responsible for being ‘naïve’ in the first place


Should a 'virginity-taker' morally hold more obligation in a relationship than a 'non-virginity taker'?

This has many answers, right? Depending on the culture....

In my culture (and I would assume K culture as well), yes he is a tool, and she is naive.... and the "viriginity-taker" holds more responsibility. This is a no-brainer.

But in current times and west culture, he might or might not be a tool, she is naive and dumb, and there is no such thing as moral obligation.

 

You can mix and match depending on first, second and third generations and if the couple comes from different culture/backgrounds.

 

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After 9 pages of this....he stayed with her for 5 months.  I'm sticking to that.  He's not a tool.  

Oh, and this odd thread made me think of this on page #3 so I played it in the background as the soundtrack to the oddest thread in a long time.  It becomes seriously relevant at the 4:28 mark.

"Stop right there!!!"

Spoiler

 

 

 

Edited by Fishism

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3 hours ago, AOA said:

What's done is done at this point. The most concerning thing is all the people in this thread who absolve the man of all responsibility in this.

I really hope all the people defending the guy are just doing so because it's easy on the Internet , and not because in real life they would do the same thing to their partner as this dude - shrug and say, "You're an adult. You wanted to. I loved you at the beginning lol but feelings change too bad. K bye."

Isn't that scary? Shouldn't people take some responsibility for the feelings of someone they 'love'? 

The most messed up thing is that she's still all concerned abt this guy. "He must be so sad, I have lots of friends who are taking care of me but he has no one." Meanwhile he won't even talk to her.

Is emotional caretaking just a crazy thing that women put themselves through for no reason?

Dumping someone is not a crime. It isn't even mean. That's the fundamental point being argued about in this thread.

What is the alternative? Is every relationship supposed to be permanent? Do you dislike everyone who has ever ended a relationship?

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4 hours ago, AOA said:

Shouldn't people take some responsibility for the feelings of someone they 'love'? 

Doesn't that responsibility stop short of remaining in a relationship you do not want?

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1 hour ago, EPMD said:

Dumping someone is not a crime. It isn't even mean. That's the fundamental point being argued about in this thread.

What is the alternative? Is every relationship supposed to be permanent? Do you dislike everyone who has ever ended a relationship?

 

39 minutes ago, SelfMadeBum said:

Doesn't that responsibility stop short of remaining in a relationship you do not want?

I’m not suggesting people should stay in a situation that makes them unhappy, but not every day is happy. If someone loves another person and tells them that regularly, (it’s not like they said it once and then never said it again) that creates a precedent. People fall out of love all the time but it’s slow and usually involves differences that can’t be matched. At least give them a chance. It’s not like she cheated or did anything that broke the ‘rules’ of being in a relationship.

That’s just my opinion anyway. And I know some relationships are doomed from the start but I have this lofty expectation on ‘love’ and it being worthwhile to fight for people you ‘love’.

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Just now, AOA said:

 

I’m not suggesting people should stay in a situation that makes them unhappy, but not every day is happy. If someone loves another person and tells them that regularly, (it’s not like they said it once and then never said it again) that creates a precedent. People fall out of love all the time but it’s slow and usually involves differences that can’t be matched. At least give them a chance. It’s not like she cheated or did anything that broke the ‘rules’ of being in a relationship.

That’s just my opinion anyway. And I know some relationships are doomed from the start but I have this lofty expectation on ‘love’ and it being worthwhile to fight for people you ‘love’.

His responsibility was to try and he did. Really hard to ask any more than that.

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22 minutes ago, AOA said:

 

I’m not suggesting people should stay in a situation that makes them unhappy, but not every day is happy. If someone loves another person and tells them that regularly, (it’s not like they said it once and then never said it again) that creates a precedent. People fall out of love all the time but it’s slow and usually involves differences that can’t be matched. At least give them a chance. It’s not like she cheated or did anything that broke the ‘rules’ of being in a relationship.

That’s just my opinion anyway. And I know some relationships are doomed from the start but I have this lofty expectation on ‘love’ and it being worthwhile to fight for people you ‘love’.

You're talking about a 5 month relationship, not a 50 year marriage. The exit barriers are pretty low. 

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Oh for some reason I thought they were teenagers. Seems more fitting tbh.

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Or, 'Is she is a giant fool?

 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/conditions/dependent-personality-disorder

Symptoms

People with this disorder do not trust their own ability to make decisions and feel that others have better ideas. They may be devastated by separation and loss, and they may go to great lengths, even suffering abuse, to stay in a relationship. They may tend to belittle their abilities and frequently refer to themselves as "stupid." Other symptoms include:

Difficulty making decisions without reassurance from others

Extreme passivity

Problems expressing disagreements with others

Avoiding personal responsibility

Avoiding being alone

Devastation or helplessness when relationships end

Unable to meet ordinary demands of life

Preoccupied with fears of being abandoned

Easily hurt by criticism or disapproval

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Let me extract some aspects of the story as told by AOA, and put them side by side:

1. He is sexually very experienced. 

2. She was a virgin.

3. Furthermore she thinks that sex is gross.

4. They had sex.

5. They were together for five months.

6. Then he left.

Okay, here is my fill-in-the-plausible-gaps narrative:

* Sex is important to the guy.
* Sex was not important to the girl and she did not enjoy it. 
* The guy tried for five months. But they were sexually incompatible. She wasn't good in bed, at least not as good as he hoped or expected.
* So he decided to break up with her.

The End.

 

Edited by Major Chord

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