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terraczy

How do you cope with rejection?

55 posts in this topic

Posted (edited)

How do we deal? Whether it's work related or with relationships and your love life, what's the key to dealing with rejection, for you? 

Need to stay energized to keep going and move along, of course, but what's your strategy? 

Edited by terraczy
more specified

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Posted (edited)

This is generic advice for any negatives that come my way. First of all, to clarify: I'm a brooder. I'm a self-flagellator. I'm a beat-myself-up-forever type, over mistakes (real and perceived) that I've made. I'm a self-doubter. I internalise/absorb the emotions from set-backs, disappointments, etc., even if I have had nothing whatsoever to do with them (very bad trait of mine, which I work on constantly). I'm a person who is never satisfied with the status quo, even and especially my own. Always room for improvement, learning, growth, change. What I've learned, and am still in the process of learning, is this: If you dwell, dwell with purpose, work through the negativity, learn from it, and then move forward with the insights. It's how you react to negatives that decides your character, not the negatives in themselves.

This sort of strategy can be applied to pretty much anything, including what you're talking about in your OP.

Edited by Madden

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I dont. Its rather interesting that rejection in objective sense triggers dreams in my psyche. Dreams of weird like substance. Sometimes I feel like God when it happens in my dreams.

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@terraczy, the first thing you need to do is post a current selfie. it's part of the process of moving on.

*nods*

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I've heard it said that rejection is feedback. Well, feedback is only good if it's timely and detailed.

But people are afraid to communicate, for reasons you may never find out. You may just be someone else's collateral damage.

Me, when I push someone out of my life, I try to make it clear why.

 

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If you count the first rejection as a permanent answer, then either you're not energetic enough to push further and subvert the rejection, or you recognize that your solicit was poorly timed, so you wisely take your loss.

By coincidence, Thomas Edison said something memorable once;

Quote

Many of life's failures are people who did not realize they were close to success when they gave up.

However, this citation is to assume that you're making progress in something, instead of guessing.

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As a generality, I avoid giving anyone or anything any power over me unless they have my best interests in mind. And even with best interests, there are caveats.

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42 minutes ago, Madden said:

This is generic advice for any negatives that come my way. First of all, to clarify: I'm a brooder. I'm a self-flagellator. I'm a beat-myself-up-forever type, over mistakes (real and perceived) that I've made. I'm a self-doubter. I internalise/absorb the emotions from set-backs, disappointments, etc., even if I have had nothing whatsoever to do with them (very bad trait of mine, which I work on constantly). I'm a person who is never satisfied with the status quo, even and especially my own. Always room for improvement, learning, growth, change. What I've learned, and am still in the process of learning, is this: If you dwell, dwell with purpose, work through the negativity, learn from it, and then move forward with the insights. It's how you react to negatives that decides your character, not the negatives in themselves.

This sort of strategy can be applied to pretty much anything, including what you're talking about in your OP.

Not only a great strategy, but it's, in essence, the purpose of all sentient life, including humans, in every incarnation of the learning lab, which we call Reality.

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1 minute ago, RBM said:

Not only a great strategy, but it's, in essence, the purpose of all sentient life, including humans, in every incarnation of the learning lab, which we call Reality.

It's something I've learned on my own, but also from other people who do this (or some variation). My husband, my mother, my dad, certain friends. I've noticed patterns in the people who are like this. They tend to be forward-thinking, open to improvement, survivors who are both strong-minded and independent, and yet non-narcissistic/non-solipsistic at the same time. I don't think experiencing negative emotions is necessarily a bad thing, as long as we work with and through them in ways that hopefully contribute towards self-actualisation. 

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Posted (edited)

1 hour ago, terraczy said:

How do we deal? Whether it's work related or with relationships and your love life, what's the key to dealing with rejection, for you? 

Need to stay energized to keep going and move along, of course, but what's your strategy? 

Personally, whenever I find myself in a negative situation (rejection included), I do the following:

First, I try to reinstate my positive mindset. How do I do that?

- I stop thinking about the negative experience.

- I immerse myself in positive experiences, such as exercise, hobbies, spending time with family and friends etc to distract my mind away from the problem.

Second, when my mind is totally distracted from the negative experience, I think about my situation. If I can do something about it, fine; I'll take the necessary steps to resolve the issue. If I can't do anything about it, I just forget about it, not by pressing a button in my mind or something, but by immersing myself in positive experiences again.

I believe the more positive experiences you have in your life, the more positive your mindset becomes. 

I also avoid thinking about negative things that fall beyond my circle of influence. I don't watch the news because it's mostly bad. I don't watch sad documentaries, movies, programs etc. I try to avoid negative, toxic people, unless I absolutely have to.

More positive experiences and less negative experiences will only make your mindset more positive. 

It's only natural, I think.

So, in summary:

Distract

Think

Do or Distract again.

Remember "Distract" doesn't include resorting to substance or any other negative distractors. Distractors have to be positive. 

P.S. I'm a big believer that vigorous exercise is the best antidote to negative emotions. Strenuous exercise releases hormones in your body that are much stronger than any antidepressant.

Edited by brainstorm

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As a dog, I am man's best friend. Therefore, anyone who doesn't like me is like... you know...

*points at you know whom*

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37 minutes ago, Madden said:

It's something I've learned on my own, but also from other people who do this (or some variation). My husband, my mother, my dad, certain friends. I've noticed patterns in the people who are like this. They tend to be forward-thinking, open to improvement, survivors who are both strong-minded and independent, and yet non-narcissistic/non-solipsistic at the same time. I don't think experiencing negative emotions is necessarily a bad thing, as long as we work with and through them in ways that hopefully contribute towards self-actualisation. 

There ya go ! Work toward improvement !

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Posted (edited)

 

I'm not dealing with relational rejection either, it's work interview stuff for me. Just wondering how others seem to turn any kind of rejection around after the negative outcomes are persistently consistent for..what seems like eternity. 

@brainstorm I actually try this but it doesn't work. Maybe I'm not exercising enough. I want to do more than bounce back from the emotional reaction from it (thats easy, somewhat)... I want to gain more energy from it and work harder as a response. I don't know how to get into the mindset to do that.

 

Distraction is not a hard thing for me to do. Sometimes, it's part of the problem. I enjoy the positivity and end up avoiding anything that resulted in negative outcomes.

 
 
...... added to this post 0 minutes later:
 
50 minutes ago, Madden said:

It's something I've learned on my own, but also from other people who do this (or some variation). My husband, my mother, my dad, certain friends. I've noticed patterns in the people who are like this. They tend to be forward-thinking, open to improvement, survivors who are both strong-minded and independent, and yet non-narcissistic/non-solipsistic at the same time. I don't think experiencing negative emotions is necessarily a bad thing, as long as we work with and through them in ways that hopefully contribute towards self-actualisation. 

I want to try this. I am not sure how to without drowning in self doubt and never/evers.

1 hour ago, Cacao said:

I dont. Its rather interesting that rejection in objective sense triggers dreams in my psyche. Dreams of weird like substance. Sometimes I feel like God when it happens in my dreams.

 

Oddly enough I had a very twisted dream that I slept with my friend's husband to make him feel better just the other night. I have no knowledge of him needing to feel better in real life. I think he just represented something else. 

Edited by terraczy

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Posted (edited)

8 minutes ago, terraczy said:

I want to gain more energy from it and work harder as a response.

If you keep relating to a negative experience, you'll  most likely be dragged by it, not energized by it!

You have to be totally distracted away from it, especially if it's a fresh wound. 

 
...... added to this post 0 minutes later:
 
8 minutes ago, terraczy said:

Distraction is not a hard thing for me to do. Sometimes, it's part of the problem. 

 

But how is distraction part of the problem? I don't understand!

Edited by brainstorm

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Posted (edited)

6 minutes ago, brainstorm said:

If you keep relating to a negative experience, you'll  most likely be dragged by it, not energized by it!

You have to be totally distracted away from it, especially if it's a fresh wound. 

But how is distraction part of the problem? I don't understand!

Sorry, I added more to the post about a minute later. Avoidance. I enjoy the positivity, and the certainty of positive experiences, that I delay and procrastinate making pretty much any decision to move forward. As soon as I think about it again the negative association still lingers in my mind. I do things like put a lot of effort toward something then never actually apply myself in that direction. I don't know, it begins to seem like the path to anywhere is coming to an end. And doesn't it end somewhere sometime? I don't mean that to sound dramatic. Just that all things do come to an end eventually. 

Now I am restless, the cycle needs to end...

Edited by terraczy

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14 minutes ago, terraczy said:

I'm not dealing with relational rejection either, it's work interview stuff for me. Just wondering how others seem to turn any kind of rejection around after the negative outcomes are persistently consistent for..what seems like eternity.

Were you given reasons why the rejections? If so, were there commonalities in the reasons and if there were, have you tried to improve this aspect(s), assuming that its an issue that can be improved?

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2 minutes ago, Distance said:

Were you given reasons why the rejections? If so, were there commonalities in the reasons and if there were, have you tried to improve this aspect(s), assuming that its an issue that can be improved?

I think some of them are actually because I don't really want the position and that shows, despite the fact I may not even be aware of that myself. Today I was at an interview where I actually felt like just running out of the building because I didn't even want to be there anymore. Other instances it's likely my anxiety, which cannot really be fixed, necessarily, barring more social support than I currently receive. I trip over words concerning things that I'm normally confident and well versed in (if I'm not being judged).. and the avoidance also seems to make me lazy and sometimes careless in my approach... maybe...

For the positions that I do really desire, I'm thinking it's lack of experience or the anxiety when it comes to the interview. Rejection to admittance in a couple of programs just gave me a laundry list of reasons people are not accepted. I think it could be any of the reasons listed or (and in this case I admit to being dramatic) all of the reasons.. :laugh: Time to analyze that.. :laugh:

This thread here is sort of an attempt at improving the anxiety aspect.

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Posted (edited)

28 minutes ago, terraczy said:

Sorry, I added more to the post about a minute later. Avoidance. I enjoy the positivity, and the certainty of positive experiences, that I delay and procrastinate making pretty much any decision to move forward. As soon as I think about it again the negative association still lingers in my mind. I do things like put a lot of effort toward something then never actually apply myself in that direction. I don't know, it begins to seem like the path to anywhere is coming to an end. And doesn't it end somewhere sometime? I don't mean that to sound dramatic. Just that all things do come to an end eventually. 

Now I am restless, the cycle needs to end...

Well, there's of course a time to think, but you cannot think rationally when you're influenced by negative emotions. Your mind has to be clear. Your mind has to be in a positive or at least neutral state. You can't be in that state unless you're distracted away from the negative experience.

It doesn't mean you're distracted for ever, though.

 

Edited by brainstorm

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2 minutes ago, terraczy said:

I think some of them are actually because I don't really want the position and that shows, despite the fact I may not even be aware of that myself. Today I was at an interview where I actually felt like just running out of the building because I didn't even want to be there anymore. Other instances it's likely my anxiety, which cannot really be fixed, necessarily, barring more social support than I currently receive. I trip over words concerning things that I'm normally confident and well versed in (if I'm not being judged).. and the avoidance also seems to make me lazy and sometimes careless in my approach... maybe...

For the positions that I do really desire, I'm thinking it's lack of experience or the anxiety when it comes to the interview. Rejection to admittance in a couple of programs just gave me a laundry list of reasons people are not accepted. I think it could be any of the reasons listed or (and in this case I admit to being dramatic) all of the reasons.. :laugh: Time to analyze that.. :laugh:

This thread here is sort of an attempt at improving the anxiety aspect.

It's so refreshing when members exhibit honesty and even better, self-awareness!! 

So you have a generalised idea of the why, taking the time to further analyse aspects that aren't clear to you before deciding on a solution. IMO, your strategy is sound and will take time to complete. Do carry on!

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Posted (edited)

Certain foods can trigger anxiety responses.

Edited by RBM

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I can't cope with it, so my strategy has been to avoid it like the plague. 

Once I was rejected from Johns Hopkins for a PhD program after feeling like I had done very well in the interviews. The rejection completely floored me since I had gotten my hopes up so much. I spent the next few months wallowing in depression.... I got through it by obsessing over pipe dreams. I'd get bored of one pipe dream in about a week, and promptly switch to another one. Rinse, repeat.

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5 hours ago, terraczy said:

I want to try this. I am not sure how to without drowning in self doubt and never/evers.

Well, you need a good raft if you want to navigate stormy waters. :laugh:

Seriously, though: don't wallow, use the negative emotions as energy for something more useful to you. Don't let them overwhelm you...redirect them with your mind, to irrigate new fields of opportunity (so to speak).

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5 hours ago, terraczy said:

I'm not dealing with relational rejection either, it's work interview stuff for me. Just wondering how others seem to turn any kind of rejection around after the negative outcomes are persistently consistent for..what seems like eternity. 

It's still exactly the same stuff. We're not good at separating events that occur from our deeper feelings about our self. Don't let thoughts of rejection become the self-judgment of uselessness.

A useful philosophy is: "Yes, I acknowledge there will be an as-yet-unknown number of rejections on my way to being accepted".

6 hours ago, Avenicci said:

If you count the first rejection as a permanent answer, then either you're not energetic enough to push further and subvert the rejection, or you recognize that your solicit was poorly timed, so you wisely take your loss.

By coincidence, Thomas Edison said something memorable once;

Quote

Many of life's failures are people who did not realize they were close to success when they gave up.

I absolutely endorse this. ^ Rejection is only a permanent state of being when we choose to make it so. To extrapolate: I'm glad for many of the rejections I've had because those pursuits were quite wrong for me since I found unexpected successes elsewhere.

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Find out why I was rejected.

Ascertain whether I can (maybe in time and with work), or care to meet the criteria (now elucidated) to acceptance. 

If I do care to try again, boost morale, then work at it. 

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Posted (edited)

Rejection is a very common feature in almost every aspect of my life, so over time I've learned that it's rarely catastrophic and there's usually something of value to learn and take away. I've developed a very thick skin for rejection now, so the times it does sting are mostly fleeting. I take my lumps, have a quick self-pity party, and move on ASAP. It seems to be the fear of rejection that messes with people rather than rejection itself, even after the fact.  When people beat themselves up over rejection, it only really serves to reinforce that fear. 

My advice, put yourself out there to face a lot of rejection. You'll learn how to roll with the punches and not be so risk averse. Perseverance and persistence opens a lot of doors. Having a sense of humour about it helps a lot, too. 

Edited by Nemesis

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