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Ericds84

Psyche Me Up for What I Have to Do

51 posts in this topic

My girlfriend and I have been dating for nearly 4 years, and it's become apparent that I need to end things--but I just can't seem to pull the trigger.  We're both in our early 30s.

We moved in together about a year and a half ago, and our relationship has gotten worse since.  I bought a bigger, centrally located house to accommodate both of us, and though she has no financial stake in it, she was involved in home shopping and we consider it "our" house.  We discussed splitting expenses fairly, considering I earn significantly more than her, but shortly after moving in she began avoiding paying what she agreed to.  At this point her only contribution is covering a few utilities that, at most, might be $300/month.  Meanwhile, I pay the mortgage, property tax, insurance, upkeep & repairs, groceries, meals out, vacations, etc.  Despite having such minimal expenses at home and a small car payment, she is constantly broke, paycheck to paycheck.  I've also discovered she lied to me about credit card debt she has.  This financial incompatibility has been a concern I wanted addressed prior to marriage.

She joined a gym and began training--which has been a great thing for her that I encouraged--but all of a sudden she became perpetually absent.  In addition to avoiding her financial obligations, she stopped helping around the house.  I cook all the meals, clean up afterwards, dust, vacuum, tidy up, do all the yard work, do the laundry--everything.  As part of her training she insisted on a particular diet--which would not be my preference--but I accommodated.  The food is more expensive, and takes more effort to prepare.  Also, she would be at the gym late, so I often ate alone, put the leftovers in the fridge, and it ultimately got thrown out.  Her doctor took her off birth control due to her blood pressure, and our sex life pretty much came to a halt.

She's a teacher, and over her summer break she was hardly present, often out past midnight.  I was cautious to criticize her, because I like to go backpacking/camping/skiing etc. She doesn't enjoy these activities, so I do them without her.  I expect her to trust me when I'm away, sometimes a week or two at a time, and I didn't feel the need to police where she was and who she was with.  However, I told her that when she's gone daily, that she won't have a single weeknight dinner with me at home, I feel like I'm a low priority.  She defended her decision to spend her time with her friends, accused me of trying to isolate her from them, and told me to get my own friends if I needed more social interaction.  I dropped the issue.

Over labor day I went on a backpacking trip with some friends out of state.   When I got home it was clear she'd been entertaining a guest.  A lot of alcohol had disappeared and there was strange body hair in my shower/sink,  Shortly thereafter I discovered birth control that she'd stashed in another room and was taking.  Given all these things, I confronted her and accused her of cheating.  She vehemently denied it, claimed the guest had been a girlfriend, the birth control was a "surprise" for me, etc.  She accused me of not loving her, and we had a long talk where I told her the problems I saw and we agreed to work on them.

Unfortunately, nothing changed.  She's still absent, I still do all the work and pay for everything.  Recently I've been waking up in the middle of the night to find her on her phone.  She left her Facebook up on my computer, and I snooped.  She's having flirty conversations with all sorts of different dudes, she acknowledges cheating in one conversation, saying we "took a break" and she "dated other people" (!), conversations with her friends where she basically says she's with me till something better comes along.

I feel more angry that I'm being used/taken advantage of than cheated on or lied to.  And yet, somehow, I feel like breaking up with her would make me a shitty person, that I bought this house with the prospect of us sharing it.  And I know SHE'S the one who betrayed me.  I was ready to have the talk with her a  couple weekends ago right after this discovery, and then she got a flat tire and it seemed shitty to say "We're done, and by the way, deal with this problem by yourself."  Then last weekend she was so sick she basically slept the whole weekend.  Now it feels like this is stale news and out of the blue, and I've been living this lie of being her boyfriend knowing that we're over.  Can you people please tell me what I need to hear to just end this?

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You are not responsible for her flat tire or illness.  It sucks that it happened, and it's great that you care enough not to dump her while she deals with it.

You don't sound compatible.  People that I know in healthy relationships who live together tell one another where they are going.  If my husband told me he missed me and wanted me to stay home sometimes, I would melt.  Regardless of why she takes offense to your questioning, it's clear that you two have grown apart.

You need to break up with her.  The longer you wait, the harder it will get.

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23 minutes ago, Ericds84 said:

Can you people please tell me what I need to hear to just end this?

What do you need to hear? You already stated all of your reasons above. Wait! I'll highlight them for you!

23 minutes ago, Ericds84 said:

My girlfriend and I have been dating for nearly 4 years, and it's become apparent that I need to end things--but I just can't seem to pull the trigger.  We're both in our early 30s.

We moved in together about a year and a half ago, and our relationship has gotten worse since.  I bought a bigger, centrally located house to accommodate both of us, and though she has no financial stake in it, she was involved in home shopping and we consider it "our" house.  We discussed splitting expenses fairly, considering I earn significantly more than her, but shortly after moving in she began avoiding paying what she agreed to.  At this point her only contribution is covering a few utilities that, at most, might be $300/month.  Meanwhile, I pay the mortgage, property tax, insurance, upkeep & repairs, groceries, meals out, vacations, etc.  Despite having such minimal expenses at home and a small car payment, she is constantly broke, paycheck to paycheck.  I've also discovered she lied to me about credit card debt she has.  This financial incompatibility has been a concern I wanted addressed prior to marriage.

She joined a gym and began training--which has been a great thing for her that I encouraged--but all of a sudden she became perpetually absent.  In addition to avoiding her financial obligations, she stopped helping around the house.  I cook all the meals, clean up afterwards, dust, vacuum, tidy up, do all the yard work, do the laundry--everything.  As part of her training she insisted on a particular diet--which would not be my preference--but I accommodated.  The food is more expensive, and takes more effort to prepare.  Also, she would be at the gym late, so I often ate alone, put the leftovers in the fridge, and it ultimately got thrown out.  Her doctor took her off birth control due to her blood pressure, and our sex life pretty much came to a halt.

She's a teacher, and over her summer break she was hardly present, often out past midnight.  I was cautious to criticize her, because I like to go backpacking/camping/skiing etc. She doesn't enjoy these activities, so I do them without her.  I expect her to trust me when I'm away, sometimes a week or two at a time, and I didn't feel the need to police where she was and who she was with.  However, I told her that when she's gone daily, that she won't have a single weeknight dinner with me at home, I feel like I'm a low priority.  She defended her decision to spend her time with her friends, accused me of trying to isolate her from them, and told me to get my own friends if I needed more social interaction.  I dropped the issue.

Over labor day I went on a backpacking trip with some friends out of state.   When I got home it was clear she'd been entertaining a guest.  A lot of alcohol had disappeared and there was strange body hair in my shower/sink,  Shortly thereafter I discovered birth control that she'd stashed in another room and was taking.  Given all these things, I confronted her and accused her of cheating.  She vehemently denied it, claimed the guest had been a girlfriend, the birth control was a "surprise" for me, etc.  She accused me of not loving her, and we had a long talk where I told her the problems I saw and we agreed to work on them.

Unfortunately, nothing changed.  She's still absent, I still do all the work and pay for everything.  Recently I've been waking up in the middle of the night to find her on her phone.  She left her Facebook up on my computer, and I snooped.  She's having flirty conversations with all sorts of different dudes, she acknowledges cheating in one conversation, saying we "took a break" and she "dated other people" (!), conversations with her friends where she basically says she's with me till something better comes along.

I feel more angry that I'm being used/taken advantage of than cheated on or lied to.  And yet, somehow, I feel like breaking up with her would make me a shitty person, that I bought this house with the prospect of us sharing it.  And I know SHE'S the one who betrayed me.  I was ready to have the talk with her a  couple weekends ago right after this discovery, and then she got a flat tire and it seemed shitty to say "We're done, and by the way, deal with this problem by yourself."  Then last weekend she was so sick she basically slept the whole weekend.  Now it feels like this is stale news and out of the blue, and I've been living this lie of being her boyfriend knowing that we're over.  Can you people please tell me what I need to hear to just end this?

Ok, so this woman who you've been together with these years lies to you, sleeps around with other guys, flakes you, is not coming to her end of her financial agreement, doesn't listen to you and constantly defends herself, doesn't give a flying fuck about you, literally says she's staying with you till something better comes around. Basically, you are a free hotel to her. You're the room she uses to fuck other guys. 

Maybe you should ask yourself... why are you having trouble ending this? What's holding you back aside from the flat tire and illness? I think these are excuses? Because I basically think she isn't very important at this point. She's proven to be WAY OVER THE TOP SHITTY already, but your role in this whole escalation is important. Why did this happen? You can break up with her now, but if you don't look at yourself and discover why you put up with this, chances are high the next relationship might have similar traits as this one... Ok, but that's for later I guess. 

Then, as a stranger through the Internet, I would vehemently advise you to kick her out of your house because no human being deserves this weirdass, miserable "relationship"/hotel-arrangement treatment. Please, you deserve better. Kick her out. You owe her NOTHING. Good thing she never paid a dime. One problem less in the breakup.

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You're stalling, looking for any excuse not to cut bait.  It's because you still love her which is sad, considering how she's used your love.  Dump that trash or end up in a life full of misery. Get out before she deliberately gets pregnant, in order to hold onto her meal ticket.

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What are you waiting for?  Until she is carrying someone else's child?

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She has to go. You are being disrespected, lied to and severely taken advantage of (and probably cheated on). She has played you for a chump and won. Have some respect for yourself. Get her gone.

Only thing I would warn is to cover your ass maybe speak to a lawyer first and make sure she doesn't get half your stuff- I know you aren't married, but in some places common law kicks in after 6 months of cohabitation. Whatever you do do not mention this to her.

good luck.

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You aren't meeting her needs which is surfacing through your allocated sex life. You two are INCOMPATIBLE. Plus, she's a cheater and a liar. Might as well break up and ignore her.

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Your age is a perfect fifth power.  Therefore, ickey doom has descended upon you.

There are two ways out of this mess.  The EASY way involves craspedotes and faster-than-light travel.  The HARD way involves manning-up and doing the deed.

Love-Thirty... It's your serve.

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Kick the bitch out. With a solid job and a house you're a catch, don't waste yourself on someone who doesn't give a fuck.

 

You have no future together. In fact, you're not even a couple anymore...there is no relationship left. 

---

 

If I were in your shoes, I would just change the locks on a night that she's out late fucking another guy. When she wonders why she can't come in, tell her this is no longer her home, so she better stay with whomever she's fucking. She's behind on the rent, and you're not sexually attracted to her anymore.

 

Boom. Done.

 

 

 

 

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Psyche Me Up for What I Have to Do

If the idea of putting that bitch out on the street isn't enough to psych you up, then there's probably not a lot of help I can offer. Just do it for the lulz if you can't call upon common sense.

If I was there I'd give you a round of applause and buy you a beer when you did it though.

Of course if "there" was Sicily I'd probably just be howling laughing with everybody else yelling "Cornudo! Cornudo!" whenever you passed by.

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The advice is obvious.

But the question is: what put you in this mess in the first place?

Someone said you're a catch. I disagree. You might be a catch for a gold-digger, but no woman can genuinely be sexually attracted to a guy like you for long. You are the personification of Mr Nice Guy. You lack masculine energy that the feminine energy is looking for. No healthy normal woman would ever be genuinely attracted to a doormat. Remember that.

After you kick this woman out of your life, you must seriously work on your low self-esteem and poor self-confidence issues. Otherwise, women will always lose attraction to you and will most probably cheat on you.

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18 hours ago, Ericds84 said:

but shortly after moving in she began avoiding paying what she agreed to. In addition to avoiding her financial obligations, she stopped helping around the house.  I cook all the meals, clean up afterwards, dust, vacuum, tidy up, do all the yard work, do the laundry--everything.  As part of her training she insisted on a particular diet--

You were paying the majority of the bills. You were doing all of the cleaning and the cooking. She even got you to change your life to accommodate her.

You became a meal ticket.

18 hours ago, Ericds84 said:

She joined a gym and began training--which has been a great thing for her that I encouraged--but all of a sudden she became perpetually absent.

She's not even giving you companionship.

18 hours ago, Ericds84 said:

Her doctor took her off birth control due to her blood pressure, and our sex life pretty much came to a halt.

She stopped having sex with you.

18 hours ago, Ericds84 said:

Over labor day I went on a backpacking trip with some friends out of state.   When I got home it was clear she'd been entertaining a guest.  A lot of alcohol had disappeared and there was strange body hair in my shower/sink,  Shortly thereafter I discovered birth control that she'd stashed in another room and was taking.

She's having sex with another guy.

18 hours ago, Ericds84 said:

We're both in our early 30s. I've been living this lie of being her boyfriend knowing that we're over.  Can you people please tell me what I need to hear to just end this?

She's using you for a free place to stay, to pay all of the bills, do all of the housework.

She's not spending any time with you, and not having sex with you.

She's spending time with others, and she's having sex with other people.

It's fairly clear what is happening. Ever since you two moved in together, she's lost all respect for you, and she's using you for a place to crash and someone to mooch off while she dates and has sex with other men, until she finds a new boyfriend.

I'd understand you being taken advantage of like this, if she was a hot 20-year-old, and you were an old, ugly, fat codger. But you're the same age. You do a lot of backpacking and skiing, and so you're in shape. She only started going to the gym recently and ever since then, things have completely changed.

I'd say that she thought of the two of you as equals, when you were in shape and she wasn't and wasn't getting attention from other guys, and when you weren't living together and she had to pay for her own bills, and so had to be on her toes. But now that she's moved in, she's got lax, and now that she's also fit as well and getting attention from other guys, particularly in the gym, she now reckons that she's a much better catch than you are, and so thinks of you as beneath her. So she doesn't see why you deserve to date her and have sex with her anymore, and so she's dating other guys, probably fit guys she met from the gym.

She's let her new-found attractiveness go to her head. So the power in the relationship has moved to her side and you let it.

You need to take back the power in the relationship. You need to remind her that you are attractive to other women and other women would love to date you. Wait for her to come back from work, and take her out to dinner "on a whim". Pop in at her gym to see her. Pop into her work to say hi and give her flowers. Make sure that you are out with her when other women are there. Smile at them. Say nice things to them. Get chatting with other fit women about skiing and snowboarding, about going backpacking, and about how it's such a pain that she won't come with you, and you'd love a partner who can enjoy the things you enjoy, i.e. skiing and backpacking. Get other women interested in you, in front of her.

She'll then see what she's given up, and will try to make amends, which will mean that now the power is back in your court, and gives you the chance to ask her why you should forgive her for all that she's done. Then that gives her the right to say that you don't really love her and storm out. That gives you the right to say "then if you think I don't love you anymore, and you don't want to stay, then I guess it's over." Then you can call a locksmith that day to change the locks, pack up her stuff and have a friend drop it round at her sister's.

Then you just keep going out and flirting with women, only this time you are free to date them.

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Grow up. Take responsibility for making your own life happier. No one else can do it for you.

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10 hours ago, eagleseven said:

If I were in your shoes, I would just change the locks on a night that she's out late fucking another guy. When she wonders why she can't come in, tell her this is no longer her home, so she better stay with whomever she's fucking. She's behind on the rent, and you're not sexually attracted to her anymore.

Do this. Then immediately make an appointment with a therapist because you have severe issues to let yourself get in this bad of a situation. You have no business being in a relationship until you find some self respect.

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11 hours ago, eagleseven said:

Kick the bitch out. With a solid job and a house you're a catch, don't waste yourself on someone who doesn't give a fuck.

I know I'm a catch.  I've had more (and prettier) women flirt with me in the past 2 years than in the entirety of my 20s.  However, I'm very reluctant to be seen as a catch BECAUSE of my job/house/money, whatever.  I want to be valued as a person.  Despite my being very circumspect, there's no doubt she latched on to this aspect of me.

1 hour ago, lor6 said:

Do this. Then immediately make an appointment with a therapist because you have severe issues to let yourself get in this bad of a situation. You have no business being in a relationship until you find some self respect.

 

10 hours ago, brainstorm said:

The advice is obvious.

But the question is: what put you in this mess in the first place?

I don't think I have low self esteem.  But I do feel this odd responsibility to save/fix people, and I think this relationship has embodied that.  In the past it's played out more with friendships than romantic relationships.  She's one of these people who'll keep doing reckless, irresponsible, self-sabotaging things, where her life is always on the very edge of complete collapse.  I suppose I've wanted to believe she was a victim of her circumstances and that, given the opportunity, she'd make prudent decisions.  Time and time again she's proven me wrong.

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1 hour ago, Ericds84 said:

But I do feel this odd responsibility to save/fix people,

Romantic relationships are not charity work!

You don't enter into a relationship to save/fix a woman!

You either like someone the way they are or you should move on.

Entering into a relationship in the hope of changing the other person is a futile endeavor!

You enter into a relationship to be happy, not to overburden yourself!

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2 hours ago, Ericds84 said:

I know I'm a catch.  I've had more (and prettier) women flirt with me in the past 2 years than in the entirety of my 20s.  However, I'm very reluctant to be seen as a catch BECAUSE of my job/house/money, whatever.  I want to be valued as a person.

Most women want a person for an LTR, not just a wallet and a c*ck.

2 hours ago, Ericds84 said:

Despite my being very circumspect, there's no doubt she latched on to this aspect of me.

Seems like you aren't the best judge of character. No biggie. Love is blind, as they say. What people do to protect themselves from the blinkers that love does to them is to make sure that their friends and family meet anyone they are thinking of moving in with. If any of them are not 100% sure about her, then it's better to take their views into account and keep dating her until they have gotten to know her better and can see how good the two of you are together. It's why so many women make such a big deal about "meeting his parents" and "meeting his friends".

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On 1/28/2017 at 11:15 AM, Ericds84 said:

our sex life pretty much came to a halt.

I still do all the work and pay for everything. 

Can you people please tell me what I need to hear to just end this?

Sorry in advance if this comes across as a personal attack, but maybe it's something you need to hear. Everyday you maintain a relationship with these terms is another day you embolden your status as a beta male tool without any balls. If she was your "first" then I'd have an easier time empathizing with your misplaced loyalty, as letting go of a flame after it has long since withered away and died can be difficult when you have no previous experience.

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3 hours ago, Ericds84 said:

I don't think I have low self esteem.  But I do feel this odd responsibility to save/fix people, and I think this relationship has embodied that.  In the past it's played out more with friendships than romantic relationships.  She's one of these people who'll keep doing reckless, irresponsible, self-sabotaging things, where her life is always on the very edge of complete collapse.  I suppose I've wanted to believe she was a victim of her circumstances and that, given the opportunity, she'd make prudent decisions.  Time and time again she's proven me wrong.

I purposely didn't jump in with a "diagnosis" of low self-esteem since I thought there might be more likely issues around co-dependency. Given the above, I'd ask whether you've actually derived quite a lot of high self-esteem from your contributions to this relationship over the years. And I think you knew she was damaged goods from the get-go.

You need to end it because you need to end it. It's that simple. Hanging on to a failed "fixer-upper" project isn't good for either of you. She's fine-tuned her parasitic skills thanks to your efforts - which may not be quite as noble as you'd like to believe. Time to let go and fix yourself up.

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15 hours ago, eagleseven said:

If I were in your shoes, I would just change the locks on a night that she's out late fucking another guy. When she wonders why she can't come in, tell her this is no longer her home, so she better stay with whomever she's fucking. She's behind on the rent, and you're not sexually attracted to her anymore.

 

Boom. Done.

Yes! Do this. I fully agree to this. Good thinking, @eagleseven. (thought I replied to this before, but it disappeared... huh)

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16 hours ago, eagleseven said:

If I were in your shoes, I would just change the locks on a night that she's out late fucking another guy. When she wonders why she can't come in, tell her this is no longer her home, so she better stay with whomever she's fucking. She's behind on the rent, and you're not sexually attracted to her anymore.

at least in some states, you can't legally get away with this.  i know from experience.  you can discuss it and hopefully she will agree to go, but consulting a lawyer might be a good idea if you think she would be willing to fight you about leaving.

oh, and it goes without saying, i think - she's treating you terribly and it sounds like a lost cause to me.  you don't seem to want this any longer, might as well find your way out now.

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2 minutes ago, doll said:

at least in some states, you can't legally get away with this.  i know from experience.  you can discuss it and hopefully she will agree to go, but consulting a lawyer might be a good idea if you think she would be willing to fight you about leaving.

oh, and it goes without saying, i think - she's treating you terribly and it sounds like a lost cause to me.  you don't seem to want this any longer, might as well find your way out now.

At least in my state...if there is no marriage license, and no landlord-tenant contract, she has no tenant rights. I do know in some states she could sue for a "divorce" due to extensive co-habitation (which is viewed as a de-facto marriage in said states).

Otherwise, an acquaintance spending the night could refuse to leave, staying with you illegally.

 

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30 minutes ago, MissJ said:

Yes! Do this. I fully agree to this. Good thinking, @eagleseven. (thought I replied to this before, but it disappeared... huh)

I just figured it out--the speech bubble icon is to comment, not respond.  Anyway, I'm surprised women are advocating the change the locks maneuver...seems pretty passive aggressive and immature.

34 minutes ago, rickster said:

I purposely didn't jump in with a "diagnosis" of low self-esteem since I thought there might be more likely issues around co-dependency. Given the above, I'd ask whether you've actually derived quite a lot of high self-esteem from your contributions to this relationship over the years. And I think you knew she was damaged goods from the get-go.

This is a pretty fair assessment.  Hopefully it's something useful I can take away from this situation.

1 hour ago, scorpiomover said:

Most women want a person for an LTR, not just a wallet and a c*ck.

Seems like you aren't the best judge of character. No biggie. Love is blind, as they say. What people do to protect themselves from the blinkers that love does to them is to make sure that their friends and family meet anyone they are thinking of moving in with. If any of them are not 100% sure about her, then it's better to take their views into account and keep dating her until they have gotten to know her better and can see how good the two of you are together. It's why so many women make such a big deal about "meeting his parents" and "meeting his friends".

What I meant to post previously was that she is very well liked by my friends and family.  I'll probably be blamed when it ends.

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Just now, eagleseven said:

At least in my state...if there is no marriage license, and no landlord-tenant contract, she has no tenant rights. I do know in some states she could sue for a "divorce" due to extensive co-habitation (which is viewed as a de-facto marriage in said states).

Yes. But also, there are some countries (and probably states), where she has tenant rights just because she lived there. In the UK, even if the landlord has the right to evict a tenant, he still has to give the tenant a letter giving a valid reason for the eviction (selling the property counts as a valid reason), and has to give the tenant a full 2 months to move out from the date that the tenant received the letter.

So consulting a lawyer might be a good idea.

 
 
...... added to this post 3 minutes later:
 
Just now, Ericds84 said:

What I meant to post previously was that she is very well liked by my friends and family.  I'll probably be blamed when it ends.

Well, that's awful. I mean, that if you can't rely on your family and friends to tell who is a good person, and you can't rely on yourself because love is blind, that's just scary. But maybe your friends and family are fooled by clever sociopaths. Some sociopaths are very manipulative. So maybe you need to find some friends who are better at seeing through people's games.

Other than that, you just have to take a risk every now and then. You don't want to end up like me. I got so scared of being hurt by people that I ended up spending years alone.

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7 minutes ago, Ericds84 said:

I just figured it out--the speech bubble icon is to comment, not respond.  Anyway, I'm surprised women are advocating the change the locks maneuver...seems pretty passive aggressive and immature.

To put it simply: I do not see you going the aggressive-aggressive route, and you're already ace at the passive-passive route.

7 minutes ago, Ericds84 said:

What I meant to post previously was that she is very well liked by my friends and family.  I'll probably be blamed when it ends.

Just explain to your family that she was cheating on you. Assuming your family actually loves you, that will turn them against her in a heartbeat. Few family members want to see their loved one used and abused.

 

Again, just use those balls your were born with.

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