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dai

Profilepictures on Dating sites and INTJs

How do you guys feel about them ? Yay ? Nay ? Imperative if want to get somwhere ?

 

I for myself have an aversion against putting them on.. as I feel it is kinda... shallow ?

Or that people I might other wise know might ask me about it ?

 

Edited by dai

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 Most people filter out non pictured profiles.  I never even click on them.   You will get nowhere without a picture, preferably at least 4 or more.

 

There is nothing shallow about demanding a certain level of physical attraction from a potential partner.  Personality will only get you so far.  I -- and most others as well, I think -- are not willing to waste time and energy when we don't even know what the person looks like.  Attraction generally begins with appearances, and moves on from there.

Edited by clumsywordsmith

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Yeah, they're a necessary evil, especially for men because we are stuck in the mass messaging males matrix.  Dudes have to pull out all of the stops if they want to differentiate themselves in any way, including digging up their best mugshots.   Females, however, as far as I'm concerned, can withhold their pictures until they deem their prey picture worthy.

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Unless you have some specific reason to be worried about your privacy (I would have worried if I had had a dating profile active while I was a teacher, for instance) I think you should upload a picture. If you don't, people might judge you negatively for it, thinking you are a fake, worrying about not being attracted to you, imagining that you have to be super ugly to be afraid of uploading a pic, etc. Of course I felt a bit awkward putting pics of myself out there but I felt that it was necessary and more honest.

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1 minute ago, Seablue said:

Unless you have some specific reason to be worried about your privacy (I would have worried if I had had a dating profile active while I was a teacher, for instance) I think you should upload a picture. If you don't, people might judge you negatively for it, thinking you are a fake, worrying about not being attracted to you, imagining that you have to be super ugly to be afraid of uploading a pic, etc. Of course I felt a bit awkward putting pics of myself out there but I felt that it was necessary and more honest.

Mug shots all around.  To be honest, don't know why that would make you uncomfortable.  If they were just a rando you met on the bus they'd get a good look at ya you know.  Any particular reason you wouldn't want it up there?

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Anecdotal, on-topic experience from just this morning:

So, yesterday, on PlentyofFish (Plenty of Foolishness) I get an unsolicited message from a female (hopefully) with a pictureless profile.   Her profile is very limited and mostly useless so I respond to her message with a "Hello picture-less, profile-less person."  We exchange short banter but nothing of substance which bores the bejesus out of me so I go silent.

Then this morning, she posts a picture on her profile.  She's fairly attractive.  I don't message.  15 minutes later, the picture is down again.   I had to ask so I messaged and said "Let me guess, your picture went up, your inbox exploded, you're overwhelmed and it's down again...correct?"  She said "Yes, 80 messages in 15 minutes".

Wow.  With my picture up constantly, I'd be lucky to get 80 messages in a year.

Crazy stuff.

 

 

 

 

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2 hours ago, Fishism said:

Anecdotal, on-topic experience from just this morning:

So, yesterday, on PlentyofFish (Plenty of Foolishness) I get an unsolicited message from a female (hopefully) with a pictureless profile.   Her profile is very limited and mostly useless so I respond to her message with a "Hello picture-less, profile-less person."  We exchange short banter but nothing of substance which bores the bejesus out of me so I go silent.

Then this morning, she posts a picture on her profile.  She's fairly attractive.  I don't message.  15 minutes later, the picture is down again.   I had to ask so I messaged and said "Let me guess, your picture went up, your inbox exploded, you're overwhelmed and it's down again...correct?"  She said "Yes, 80 messages in 15 minutes".

Wow.  With my picture up constantly, I'd be lucky to get 80 messages in a year.

Crazy stuff.

Yeah, it's pretty ridiculous.  I've been a member of OkCupid for MANY years, even before it was really a dating site.  It was also previously an acceptable way to meet new friends/penpals because you can select what you're looking for - people didn't automatically assume you're there to date like they do now.  But I didn't have a picture on my profile for all of those years.  I would only get a message here and there, but it was usually one of the substance.

At one point I decided to add pictures, even though I had it marked that I was "Seeing Someone" and only looking for friends/penpals.  Holy shit, messages every minute or so.  I completely deactivated my profile and it remains deactivated unless I need to activate it for some reason.  But it's INSANE how much difference having a picture makes.

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Honestly for me, a picture would be important more to confirm characteristics like hygiene. I do care about fitness level to a certain extent because I am an active person, but face attractiveness is barely registered. It's more about where a picture is taken, who with etc. The pictures a person chooses says a lot about themselves.

There is also baseline attractiveness. When I was young I started chatting with a dude on a forum I was a part of and we were really hitting it off over a couple months. None of his pictures really showed his face, just shots from behind. Eventually I got curious and went hunting through his friend's Myspace profile and found a picture of him with friends there, and his face was very severely disfigured. I can only assume was through some kind of fire accident. There was a bit of an age gap (14/19) anyway so things did dwindle off, but that was a very distressing time of my life trying to decide if it was shallow to not think a relationship could be possible. Obviously this is an extreme example though.

I haven't been on a dating website, in part because of this reason of being flooded with messages. I think if I did I would post pictures of my life, but not my face/body. My bookshelf, some art hanging up or I made, my dope as hell hand-crafted furniture. Maybe share my picture privately if I had anything in common with someone and got more than "hey wats up".

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When I help my female friends with their online dating efforts, we just assume that guys who don't post any photos are married. There is generally no good reason to avoid showing your face.

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On 1/11/2017 at 9:50 AM, dai said:

How do you guys feel about them ? Yay ? Nay ? Imperative if want to get somwhere ?

 

I for myself have an aversion against putting them on.. as I feel it is kinda... shallow ?

Or that people I might other wise know might ask me about it ?

 

I think it's important because people like to know who they're talking to, both men and women. 

 

My concern is that more than likely men just look at the photos of the women and make a decision from there to message her without even reading her profile. My online dating profile, I would expect a man to have read my profile before our date and then to mention those things as conversation. If he does not bring anything up that I mentioned on my profile, it suggests he didn't read my profile which is a red flag. He probably doesn't have the skills for a real relationship.

 

The men on these dating websites really need advising on their photos that they post. So many of them I have weeded through because they literally look like a scary serial killer or the men who post tacky shirtless gym photos which suggest they are a slave to exercise and "image"....the only thing that matters to them or the classic headless photo. WTF is that? Even this one photo of a middle aged adult man had a smirky look on his face with his tongue sticking out....wtf, is he still 12?

If a man truly wants women to respond to him on online dating, he really should have basic skills of presenting himself in a genuine way as he really is IRL otherwise most quality, intelligent women will smell his disingenuousness 100 miles away and clink on "not interested."

 

 

Edited by Clh123

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On 11-1-2017 at 3:50 PM, dai said:

I for myself have an aversion against putting them on.. as I feel it is kinda... shallow ?

No definitely not shallow. You don't date with just your mind, you date with everything you have, also your body, right? So I don't think it would be shallow at all to show them who they are dealing with in total. 

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If you're on a dating site you will definitely not have any chance with no profile pic. You need recent photos of yourself. Nothing too vain, just a clear photo of your face an one further back. This is just so they have a brief idea of what you actually look like, and easy visualise what you're like in person.

^ Haha I sound like I've been on these. I have zero experience, but have watched loads of these sort of dating shows. Love that sort of stuff. Plus my husband found me online from my Facebook profile pic, so it does work! Good luck :) 

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I finally succumbed and joined Tinder and some other app.

I am fine with putting a profile pic which shows me in my best light as long as it's one that's reflective of my personality. So generally I post pictures of me suited and smart looking clearly doing something serious (public speaking, tv interviews), and maybe one on a mountain, another where you can see a girl cropped out. This is not the best for getting matches but the matches I do get I know from the start are looking for someone with my personality. I'm not going to pretend to be Mr YOLO and then they meet me and I spend most of time at work. I also turned off "smart photos" to ensure the one that is most reflective of me is the first she sees, and the second, third, etc.

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I filter out profiles with no pic and ignore those which aren't full face and reasonably modest.

My own pic is attractive enough - it's the text which turns 'em off. Bigtime. :laugh:

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It seems reasonable to upload pictures that would attract only the kind of person you are interested in (and willing to deal with the real you!), If you upload pictures of a very good-looking and sexy you, then of course you will have a high rate of response but probably not from the ones you want.

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