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ENTJAria

Critique sought from INTJs: my dating profile

74 posts in this topic

I feel a bit vulnerable sharing this.

I know that INTJs differ so what I'm really interested to know is, will this be appealing or not appealing /an INTJ who's looking for the same thing I am?/ 

Pointers/suggestions appreciated.

I think there's no point hiding who and what I am:

"I believe in an indifferent universe, that responds as mechanically as an echo or a gravity well to us, with impeccable though not necessarily immediate fulfilment.

I also don't believe it's possible to conduct a relationship over long distances or exclusively online or by correspondence --but writing is very important to me and I DO want a relationship that starts off with a period of correspondence. You can live nearly anywhere if we really hit it off; I am infinitely adaptable for the right person.

I also fully understand that in our supposedly post-feminist society men are still tagged as the pursuers. I get that it's intimidating to shout long into the void. And I promise you that if you are a reasonable match to the one I'm looking for, I WILL write back.

I'm looking for a life-partner. 

I'm therefore disinclined to move forward unless the chemistry on all levels is really there: mental and physical, as well as the magic of working together in a practical way.

If you hate the tyranny of religion we're halfway there; if you believe in universal laws we're probably nearly home.

Do you know what latent inhibition is? It's the thing the fellow in Limitless had none of, albeit through drugs.
If you desire a life of high fulfillment, high achievement (whether "traditional" or not as long as we accomplish something and feel ourselves well-satisfied) with ever-decreasing latent inhibition -without the drugs- then you're golden to me.

You're probably a Myers-Briggs NT type but surprise me. 

I'm not a workaholic but that's because work done right ought to be a pleasure and as natural as breathing.

/What I’m doing with my life/

In a world more steeped with trauma than most want to admit, with mental healthcare costs sky-rocketing, I feel that what I do is akin to giving water to those dying of thirst. I wouldn't do anything else.

/I’m really good at/

Being on time. Being responsible. Making French cuisine for special occasions. Target shooting at 50 paces. 

/The six things I could never do without/

What I most appreciate are, like Kipling said, "both sides of my brain."

/I spend a lot of time thinking about/

I spend a lot of time asking myself how people  and situations I encounter fit into and expand my continually-growing internal pattern libraries of "how everything works."

/What I'm doing on a Friday night/

Driving somewhere listening to music that makes something inside my chest soar; putting the finishing touches on an Android app I built to facilitate the infamous New York Times intimacy questions; classified.

/You should message me if/

You're a romantic, kind INTJ seeking a good conversation over some or no kind of unique drinkable.

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ENTJAria

I am not interested romantically in you - i am replying as I am an INTJ, have several ENTJ friends and you may find some observations helpful. (great INTJ first line:derp:)  The below are comments - less critique.

Extremely clear communication from your side, will always appeal to an INTJ.  We are not ones for subtlety.

Having a plan, or idea of what you are looking for stands you in good stead with any INTJ.  They are probably looking for someone who will appreciate their plans, ideas, analysis of the situation and be a conversation partner in this respect.  (some people have no clue what they are looking for! - I don't know how they can continue to exist - no plan!:derp:).  

Being an extrovert although appealing to INTJs can/may "tire" them at times and they may need space.  As long as you don't constantly need to be with them, you should be OK with an INTJ and they should find you exciting.

In depth interest and pleasure in what you are working on - is a must in a prospective partner,  for me, - not sure this is same for all INTJs.

 

It will be extremely difficult for the INTJ to verbalise how they are feeling in flowery language, so be prepared.

They will make it clear if they care, be dedicated to you and your well-being.  

They will also take a loooooonnng time to approach you first, as they will have to analyse, plan, analyse, plan for every permutation of the conversation in order to approach you.  I have known this take months, years in some cases.  

My advice would be to approach them, this will take a great deal of anxiety out of the situation for them.(but hey what do I know!)

 

One piece of advice, I would give you is to go in there with a plan of some sort they can co-plan with you - that will get their interest, and also help them see a an extremely appealing aspect of you, and there is nothing more exciting/stimulating than having shared ideas/dreams/goals/future scenarios.  (I know - romantic aren't I!!?)

 

I wish you the best of luck and hope you found some of my drivel helpful.

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Neither a male nor an INTJ but I really like your profile. As always I find well-phrased words intricately woven elaborately entangled as very entrancing and heightening to my senses. The subtle but cleverly placed remark to Limitless makes me recall the two characters' awareness of high-definition colours around them as the powers of the drug overtaken them entirely. 

I would be very interested (probably even more than slightly smitten) to contact you immediately upon reading your profile but then again I am no intj male, so good luck. 

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IMHO:

Someone once said that Harry Chapin might not hit all the notes, but he struck a chord with the listener. You've hit all the INTJ notes, but it's impersonal. To me it describes who you are in an abstract form. You're describing yourself to yourself. Describe yourself to the person you want to meet.

The music you search for could as easily be young self indulgent crap set in a hole in the wall bar with lousy acoustics, or instead involve closing your eyes and letting the live sound of Ladysmith Black Mambazo wash over you in your favorite acoustically astonishing venue.

You don't have to write the one perfect profile - you can edit it or replace it. I once did a top 10 rant about what I hated about the profiles I read. Some thought it was funny - though ex-cheerleaders didn't think so.  

Celebrate yourself. After all - if you didn't like who you are - you'change...

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I read it as if I was on that site. My reactions as a male INTJ-ish type:

  • That's a heavy first line.
  • She seems intellectual, though perhaps a bit full of herself.
  • The "Do you know what..." followed by you telling me something came across a bit condescending.
  • The part about being disinclined to move forward is obvious, and since it is negative by nature, I'd remove it.
  • In general, I would worry that you would be awful at casual conversation and trying too hard to prove your intelligence.

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Posted (edited)

12 hours ago, ENTJAria said:

I feel a bit vulnerable sharing this.

I know that INTJs differ so what I'm really interested to know is, will this be appealing or not appealing /an INTJ who's looking for the same thing I am?/ 

Pointers/suggestions appreciated.

I think there's no point hiding who and what I am:

"I believe in an indifferent universe, that responds as mechanically as an echo or a gravity well to us, with impeccable though not necessarily immediate fulfilment.

I also don't believe it's possible to conduct a relationship over long distances or exclusively online or by correspondence --but writing is very important to me and I DO want a relationship that starts off with a period of correspondence. You can live nearly anywhere if we really hit it off; I am infinitely adaptable for the right person.

I also fully understand that in our supposedly post-feminist society men are still tagged as the pursuers. I get that it's intimidating to shout long into the void. And I promise you that if you are a reasonable match to the one I'm looking for, I WILL write back.

I'm looking for a life-partner. 

I'm therefore disinclined to move forward unless the chemistry on all levels is really there: mental and physical, as well as the magic of working together in a practical way.

If you hate the tyranny of religion we're halfway there; if you believe in universal laws we're probably nearly home.

Do you know what latent inhibition is? It's the thing the fellow in Limitless had none of, albeit through drugs.
If you desire a life of high fulfillment, high achievement (whether "traditional" or not as long as we accomplish something and feel ourselves well-satisfied) with ever-decreasing latent inhibition -without the drugs- then you're golden to me.

You're probably a Myers-Briggs NT type but surprise me. 

I'm not a workaholic but that's because work done right ought to be a pleasure and as natural as breathing.

/What I’m doing with my life/

In a world more steeped with trauma than most want to admit, with mental healthcare costs sky-rocketing, I feel that what I do is akin to giving water to those dying of thirst. I wouldn't do anything else.

/I’m really good at/

Being on time. Being responsible. Making French cuisine for special occasions. Target shooting at 50 paces. 

/The six things I could never do without/

What I most appreciate are, like Kipling said, "both sides of my brain."

/I spend a lot of time thinking about/

I spend a lot of time asking myself how people  and situations I encounter fit into and expand my continually-growing internal pattern libraries of "how everything works."

/What I'm doing on a Friday night/

Driving somewhere listening to music that makes something inside my chest soar; putting the finishing touches on an Android app I built to facilitate the infamous New York Times intimacy questions; classified.

/You should message me if/

You're a romantic, kind INTJ seeking a good conversation over some or no kind of unique drinkable.

Honestly, in my opinion, the profile sounds far too serious (a bit condescending) and not very fun. Try adding some humour. It is a date, not a job interview. You immediately go right into talking religion, say you want a life partner, and use a lot of overly wordy, complicated language. I get that you want an intellectual, but reading above, does it sound like you would be fun to hang out with? 

remember- the classic INTJ/ENFP pairing is due to differences more than similarities. INTJs are already logical enough by themselves, if you want to focus on personality types, how could your type compliment stereotypical INTJ?

More positivity and relatable hobbies etc- your profile is focused on what you don't like and qualities like being a hard worker. Do you love reading certain books? Do you run or have any physical hobbies? Tell them that.

Edited by myname

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9 out of ten.

Rules out religious people which is fine if that's what you want.

Some very NT like comments in there which were cute. 

Best wishes.

 

 

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That would probably appeal to an ambitious intj in search of a life partner.

You may want to proofread that though.

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I agree that it needs more kick and particular interest, which is the point where all 3 reviews agreed. 

I'm not trying to attract INTJs particularly. I'm just looking for a particular INTJ.

To the reviewer who said it uses too much complicated language, well, some people seem to think I'm talking the way I do to impress or intimidate them, but I don't need to do that. It's just how I talk. Language is a passion. Dumbing it down would be a big shift away from who I actually am. 

I sincerely appreciate those who posted with their first reaction and/or hearts on the line.

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22 hours ago, ENTJAria said:

You're a romantic, kind INTJ seeking a good conversation over some or no kind of unique drinkable.

A lot of people aren't going to know what the MBTI is. You already mentioned "you are probably an NT type, but surprise me", but then you restrict things immensely by implying on INTJs should message you. The line about NTs was quite enough (you can add "I am an XXXX myself"; if you're going to try to appeal to the small demographic of MBTI connaisseurs, might as well go all the way).

Although your reaction to that suggestion may depend on your response to this:

44 minutes ago, ENTJAria said:

I'm not trying to attract INTJs particularly. I'm just looking for a particular INTJ.

What does that mean?

 

--

Other than that, I agree with those who said this is all a bit "heavy" without much humor. When meeting a new person to develop chemistry, I don't necessarily need to/want to hear about their deep thoughts about the universe right away. We can keep that for a bit later on. But if you think it represents you accurately, good enough. Plus, while I say this, I messaged my now-husband over a profile which was quite serious/deep as I remember it.

As as detail, I don't know how useful it is to promise to write back "if you are a reasonable match". That's not something people have any control over and it still basically means "I promise to answer if I'm interested" which, duh, is the whole point of a dating profile. Maybe "I promise to write back if you send a thoughtful message"? That's also subjective but more encouraging for the potential suitors.

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It does read like you're trying too hard.  Rather than perceiving changes as dumbing down, consider them a form of smoothing out so your profile flows. Also, a little self deprecating humour might take some edge off since the overall impression of the profile is that you're large and in charge and whomever approaches, is currying your favour.

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Just to say clearly: I think the changes you all suggest are really good ideas. 

I literally meant only to clarify that changing the "use of big words" is probably not something I can do honestly. Making changes as advised is a great idea.

Quote

"I'm not trying to attract INTJs particularly. I'm just looking for a particular INTJ." -Me

"What does that mean?" -Seablue

It means that if my profile makes me seem compatible with INTJs that's really great, but the only part I actually added as "INTJ bait" was being on time ;-)

I've noticed a pattern throughout my life that my most intense attractions and best romance involved a certain kind of INTJ .

I'm not sure if that person is out there, but I'm looking for him.

1 hour ago, Seablue said:

I messaged my now-husband over a profile which was quite serious/deep as I remember it.

If you don't mind sharing, what type is your husband?

Here's the new version. 

Spoiler

Profile summary

-I'm a romantic; a kind Slytherin; an ENTJ; I believe in cosmological holography and Sphynx cats make me go, "Awww."
-I have a personal Latin motto which means "nothing human is alien to me."
-I've gone from being an army strategist to a practitioner of a rare (and very effective) mental health art.
-I loved milking goats when I lived on a farm; having tea and a long conversation with the governor of Kandahar, Afghanistan; and diving the Great Barrier Reef two months ago.
-Cuddling and emotional intelligence are seriously my jam.

And I feel a bit vulnerable sharing all this, to be honest.

I believe in an indifferent universe, that responds as mechanically as an echo or a gravity well to us, with impeccable though not necessarily immediate fulfilment.

I also don't believe it's possible to conduct a relationship over long distances or exclusively online or by correspondence --but writing is very important to me and I DO want a relationship that starts off with a period of correspondence.

I know that in our supposedly post-feminist society men are still tagged as the pursuers. I get that it's intimidating to shout long into the void. And I promise you that if you send a thoughtful message, I will write back.

What I’m doing with my life

In a world more steeped with trauma than most want to admit, with mental healthcare costs sky-rocketing, I feel that what I do is akin to giving water to those dying of thirst.

I’m really good at

Being on time. Being responsible. Making French cuisine for special occasions. Target shooting at 50 paces.

Favourite books, movies, shows, music, and food

I should put something here but it would become an encyclopaedia...

The six things I could never do without

What I most appreciate, like Kipling said, are "both sides of my brain."

I spend a lot of time thinking about

I like to mull things, like a fine wine. Like thinking about how people and situations I encounter fit into and expand my continually-growing internal pattern libraries of "how everything works." Like having imaginary conversations, and imagining very detailed futures.

On a typical Friday night I am

Driving somewhere listening to music that makes my heart sing; going out to a quiet little dinner; petting a cat that doesn't belong to me until it's full of kitty ecstasy.

You should message me if

If you hate the tyranny of religion we're halfway there; if you believe in universal laws we're probably nearly home.

If you desire a life of high fulfilment, high achievement (whether "traditional" or not as long as we accomplish something and feel ourselves well-satisfied) with ever-decreasing latent inhibition then you're golden to me.

If you're a romantic, kind INxJ seeking a good conversation over some or no kind of unique drinkable.

 

Edited by ENTJAria
removed the bit about not getting the drop down to work

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37 minutes ago, ENTJAria said:

Just to say clearly: I think the changes you all suggest are really good ideas. 

I literally meant only to clarify that changing the "use of big words" is probably not something I can do honestly. Making changes as advised is a great idea.

It means that if my profile makes me seem compatible with INTJs that's really great, but the only part I actually added as "INTJ bait" was being on time ;-)

I've noticed a pattern throughout my life that my most intense attractions and best romance involved a certain kind of INTJ .

I'm not sure if that person is out there, but I'm looking for him.

If you don't mind sharing, what type is your husband?

Here's the new version. 

 

Makes sense. Then I would maybe keep a line to mention that you often find yourself attracted to NTs and INTJs in particular but are willing to "be surprised", as you put it, while maybe not bringing up MBTI in the "you should message me if" section for fear of weeding out other types who could still be compatible and people who don't know about MBTI. Although as it is it's not bad because the "you should message me" section can be read as an "and/or" section where people don't have to fulfill every condition.

My husband is an INFJ, although reading his profile made me believe he was an INTJ initially.

 
 
...... added to this post 5 minutes later:
 

I like the beginning of your new profile better, it's lighter and engaging.

As a personal note, you struck a chord with this "-I have a personal Latin motto which means "nothing human is alien to me", as it reminds me of my last year of high school where this quote was relevant to a novel we studied, and I really loved it and I had it memorized it in Latin for a while (although I can't pretend I still remembered it).

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Good positioning in knowing yourself.  For the INTJ not trapped in their own mind, take them on an adventure of Raison d’être.

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I spent a lot of time reading other people's online dating profiles and thinking about / working on improving my own profile. I like your second version much better than the first (much more personal, positive, intriguing Information).  Here are a couple of comments, hopefully constructive, some pedantic, for your consideration:

- I suppose I am In the minority as being an INTJ not so concerned with being on time, and is okay with "just a little late" (either myself or others)

- there are two references to felines in your profile; I would drop the second (do you really want to convey that you prefer petting others' cats on Friday nights?)

- what are the other four things that you could never do without?

- to "mull" a fine wine would be a travesty; how about changing to "I enjoy savoring concepts and the nuances of life experiences....."

Thank you for posting this, and to the commenting forum members; I like to hear other ideas and perceptions.

Edited by realitycheque
clarification

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I'm a Boomer, so my perceptions are dated, but here goes:

1.)  I don't feel any "femininity" in the profile.  It reads like a Linkdin bio... only more vague.

2.)  Since you are looking for a "life partner", how do you feel about marriage and children?  Do you have any pets?  Do you ever leave your house?

3.)  You are clearly an intelligent, professional person who writes well.  

4.)  You have some kind of "religion" thing going on.

5.)  Are you human?  French cuisine, target shooting, and "soaring" to music suggest "yes"... but the only *specific* passions I detect are for your work, and your "religion" thing.

 

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That is a terrific introduction, started off very eloquent, and then crashed instantly by mentioning religion as a cause of tragedy, instead of belief systems. The rest reads as fatal romance.

Religion is a course, not a system. Religion isn't founded anywhere, its in motion, its in you.

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It's interesting that in the very last line, you state you're interested in a romantic guy, yet all the previous statements sound like love for you is a purely intellectual thing, a concept - no magic involved whatsoever. 

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This isn't a critique, as I'm not sure one can objectively evaluate a dating profile for quality, but impressions as a (self-diagnosed) INTJ given with the hope more data will help. This is from the perspective of a 20-something:

  • You mention cosmological holography - I hadn't heard of this theory; the very little I know of string theory in general did not include it. I could be wrong, but I doubt many others will have either. I think most people look for shared interests when browsing with intent for a long-term relationship. Theoretical physicists will no doubt be intrigued. I, personally, was temporarily derailed by a search for a term I'd never even heard in passing and then questioned whether I'd be able to hold my own in a conversation about something which I'm not knowledgeable. From what I understand, this is a common anxiety among INTJs especially. Of course, this isn't your problem, just my observation.
  • Your motto, on the other hand, did sound familiar. A search revealed it's attributed to Terrence. The word "personal" gave me the impression you created it. However, I doubt that was your intention, and it is a fine motto, although a very ambitious one.
  • You mention a gravity well later - is physics something that is important to you?
  • "writing is very important to me and I DO want a relationship that starts off with a period of correspondence" - by the usual stereotype of an INTJ this is a plus. Personally, I like writing as a low-pressure way to establish some rapport before the relatively more high-pressure face-to-face.
  • I was disappointed you didn't include at least a few books/movies/shows considering the emphasis you put previously on writing. Aren't you worried about literary compatibility? 

Overall, I think some could be intimidated or offended by what you've written, specifically the parts about achievement and religion, respectively. Of course, this is not a bad thing if done intentionally as a filter, especially considering the volume of messages women typically receive on dating sites. Stereotypically, INTJs are less likely to be fazed by those with atypical views or lifestyles. Personally, as an atheist, I agree partially with what you wrote. However, although I think they are all fantasy, characterizing all religions as tyrannical paints with too broad a brush. That's beside the point. If you're looking to target the NT types, I think making strong statements is a net positive.

Edited by ccd

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I find the religion comments to be fine as  they do work effectively to immediately weed out theists which is probably your goal. I do find the profile (even the tweaked version) a bit earnest and would add a little humour to lighten it up and to enable your playfulness to shine through. 

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Well... I found it TL:DR, but... (as I dislike reading peoples self written testimonies, especially on dating profiles and those kinda sites... )

However

 

I think the WILL write back part might:

A) Impress  or   B) Chase away

It's a gamble, but I like it.

 

As for the first few lines I *did* read : Looked honest and upfront. I'd say that might be the way to go.

Later on it appears though as you try to slam a open up a door with a kick and unhinging it in the process aswell. (Might make some want to reflexively jump out of the nearest window)

 

EDIT: Casting that whole "dating profile business"-thing aside:

It is only an advert anyways. Most people buy because they were impressed due to other reasons.

I think you can only influence so much, as humans are one heck of incalculable/random beings (NT or not is no matter there... we are all fallible in that respect). Should probably not waste too much time on online profiles. Might eat your soul if you do. :awesome:

 

I oftentimes wonder if people should abandon their date profile writings alltogether or at least keep it short and sweet, as the only thing that people might look like is the pictures eitherhow.

Like: Hmm. A flattening-iron. Wait, is that permanent marker ? Oh look it's a panda shaped towelholder.

(People are visual after all. And while INTJs try to not be... we still are [yes. letters have shapes... but they tend to take longer to process, and we dislike being inefficient... at least I do])

Edited by dai

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Smart move to drop the "I'm looking for a life partner, and if we're not a perfect match right away I'm not interested." That's not a date, that's an interview. :laugh:

Your second draft is much better.

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On 10/01/2017 at 9:36 AM, Distance said:

Also, a little self deprecating humour might take some edge off since the overall impression of the profile

So the "Being on time. Being responsible. Making French cuisine for special occasions. Target shooting at 50 paces." wasn't humour then? I reminds of the old Monty Python sketch "So what are your hobbies", "Strangling animals, golf, and masturbating", "Hmm well golf is not too popular around here".

I didn't really get any good vibes from the profile. Sort of got the impression that is somebody wrapped up in themselves and their own thoughts. Not a fun person, perhaps a depressive. I am interested in how being with this person would make me feel.

And those of us with ravaged faces, lacking in the social graces. Desperately remained at home. Inventing lovers on the phone. Who called to say "come dance with me" and murmured vague obscenities. Lol. Try being a bit more flirtatious and play with your readers. It isn't a job application.

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too much words, to reel in anyone but someone who will take advantage of you.

where are the pictures?

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Doubt my two cents is going to help you much, unless you're looking to attract the "Get off my lawn!" type, but here it is anyway (you did say you were looking for INTJ after all).

Keep it short, only the vitals.  Anything you add beyond age should be for eliminating what you're not looking for (apparently a good 95% of the population if you're INTJ fishing).  Online dating profiles are for eliminating undesirables (as much as possible), getting to know someone/selling yourself is what dating is for.  It will likely necessitate you making the first contact though, so there's that.

That's my two cents... now get off my lawn!

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