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bella85

INFJ girl likes INTJ guy, overanalyzes everything. So... does it seem like he's into me?

29 posts in this topic

I've been perusing this forum for a few months, trying to get up the nerve to post yet another "does this INTJ like me?" thread. I'm pretty confident that the INTJ in question is romantically interested in me, or possibly ridiculously bad at conveying that he only sees me as a platonic friend, but I think I just need some relatively objective insights to validate my intuition.

About me: I'm a 31-year-old female INFJ. Generally horrendous at describing myself. I suppose I'm pretty friendly and exhibit most of the standard INFJ traits. 

About him: He's 41 years old and, obviously, an INTJ. He's one of the kindest people I know. He's stoic and quiet around people he's not close to, but really quirky and silly once you get to know him. He was my boss and we worked very closely for two years; I was his closest friend in the office, and he very nearly cried on my last day, which is the most emotional I’ve ever seen him. We're still in somewhat regular contact and see each other about once a month.

I'll put the clues in handy list format for easy scanning. (I was going to try to keep it short, but that didn't happen, so thanks in advance for slogging through it!)

Why I think he likes me:

  • He seems to remember everything I say and do and brings it up later (sometimes over a year later).
  • He's shared a lot of personal information with me, and confided in me about some of his insecurities and feelings. He's also told me a lot of stories about himself and his past.
  • I've confided in him about my personal life, and he always seems interested and asks questions.
  • Speaking of which, he's asked me a lot of questions about myself, my friends, and my family.
    • He once asked me if I wanted kids (after we walked by a baby in a stroller).
    • I mentioned an ex-boyfriend who worked in the same industry as we do and he asked questions about the guy and why our relationship didn't work out.
  • He's usually extremely quiet and withdrawn, but lights up and becomes social and friendly with both me and others when I'm in the vicinity. If I’m talking to someone else, he’s always nearby and listening, and he takes any opportunity to get my attention.
  • In a large group, he's either sitting/standing right next to me or staring at me. He's always keeping track of where I am, which, by the way, is not at all subtle.
  • When it’s just the two of us, particularly for shorter periods of time, he gets quiet unless I talk. He does try to prolong our time together (i.e., by finding more places to walk to). He tends to take me for impromptu tours of random places, like the seventh floor of the office building ("Let's walk the other way around today! Look, they changed the art on the walls"). The tours are definitely more interesting when we're outside the building. :)
  • We used to run errands together in the middle of the workday, a tradition that I started but he perpetuated.
    • We'd do things like go to clothing stores and try on ridiculous hats and sunglasses (in between the errands he actually needed to run).
    • When we took his car to run the errands, he always changed the radio station to the one I liked.
    • There were days when we should've only been gone an hour but were gone for three, because he kept taking me to stores I liked.
  • He's always teasing me, mostly about the same silly things over and over.
  • He's complimented/made favorable observations on my appearance, sense of style, personality, talent, and intelligence.
    • I have one dress that's clearly his favorite (so many compliments, so much staring).
    • He noticed when I changed my hair once and he said he liked it.
    • He's teased me about being younger than he is/looking young for my age/being pretty (he basically just compliments me in really awkwardly endearing ways).
    • He once quasi-teasingly called me an angel, which would've been embarrassing if I hadn't swiftly deflected it.
    • At work, every time I did anything clever or made a logical connection, he'd say something like, "See, this is why I told them we needed someone really smart!"
  • He's done me small favors, like loaning me things that I don't even know I need, usually without me asking or even expecting him to.
  • I'm the only one in our group of friends/acquaintances who's allowed in his personal space:
    • He likes to hug me, and he's initiated (I usually initiate, though). The hugs tend to be on the longer side.
    • He accidentally-on-purpose finds ways to touch me: touching my hand while passing a plate at a restaurant; letting me put my hand over his while showing me something on his phone and then not moving his hand away; legs touching under the table and then not moving away; bumping into me while walking, etc. 
    • (For reference: he's super jumpy and flails wildly and dramatically when other people touch him, so I know he usually hates it. I also know he's very spatially aware and perfectly capable of avoiding unwanted contact.)
  • He got really weird (broke eye contact, turned to look at his computer, acted frosty) when I told him one of our former coworkers asked me out a few months ago. He snapped out of it when I told him I wasn't at all interested in the guy. 
  • More and more frequently, he'll get this really sweet, vulnerable look on his face when he's looking at me (his eyes get all… melty; don't know how else to describe it). This often happens when I'm really close to him, like when we're about to hug, but I've also noticed it when we have prolonged eye contact.
  • It's been six months since we worked together, and every time he sees me now, he behaves the same way, but he's more obviously flirtatious. I last saw him right before Christmas and I could tell he was really happy to see me, because as soon as he did, he wouldn’t leave my side, even though I was also visiting with other people.

Believe it or not, I've cut out a lot of details. So, based on the above info, do you think this guy is into me? 

Or, do you think there's any possibility he just sees me as a friend and doesn't know how to moderate his behavior or something? Am I reading too much into his actions? I know he likes me as a person and trusts me, at least, which is always nice. 

I should also mention, I've been fairly obvious about the flirting, but not too obvious; the stakes are high for reasons I don't want to get into, and it goes beyond the threat of potentially embarrassing myself. I'm pretty sure he's aware that I'm into him, though.

I also don’t really know what to do about it, whether he thinks of me as a friend or a romantic interest; I don’t text him very often because he’s legitimately busy and I don’t like to feel like I’m intruding, but he always answers either right away or within a few hours. He’s also really bad at text-based conversation. I feel like I’ve been work-friend-zoned and I don’t know how to transition from work-friend to actual-friend. I also don't want him to think I'm pressuring him into anything, in the event that he knows I like him and he's not interested. 

Thoughts?

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I think he likes you. I'm not sure about how to manage the transition except to be direct unless there is a moment where there is a more than friendly physical encounter. My husband is an ISTJ and we used to work together as well. Bc of his introversion I had to confront him. Not sure if this is helpful. 

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Posted (edited)

Hello fellow 31-year old INFJ lady! :smug: I'm married to an INTJ. Let's see if I can give any tips...

With my husband, when we were "dating," I got the feeling that he liked me because he kept making arrangements and plans for us to do things together. Also, whenever I was going somewhere after our lesson (I was his private tutor/he was my student), he always wanted to accompany me to wherever I was going after the lessons. He also always went out of his way to ask me if I had more and more time to have lessons with him or do things with him on the weekends. He asked me specific questions about my interests in order to make plans that would fit my interests. That said, he never specifically said anything about liking me, he never tried to "make any moves," he didn't compliment me directly, he sort of just stared at me in wonder or smiled and laughed a lot. For this reason, it was I who ended up reaching out and taking his hand the first time, thus testing out to see if he liked me.

I think he definitely likes you. He's probably just hesitant or nervous to make a first "move" because INTJs tend to feel that way when they are in love/really like someone. It stems from their general discomfort with new or stronger emotions that they normally don't feel for most people (namely love). For this reason, sometimes if they seem hesitant or nervous about taking it to the next level, it might be you who needs to initiate that, like I did with my husband.

About the texting: I can't speak for all INTJs but my husband hates texting/social media. He always wanted to be in person BUT he did always immediately respond to my texts or my emails. Points from your list that remind me of the dynamic between my husband and me:

  • He's asked me a lot of questions about myself, my friends, and my family.
  • He's usually extremely quiet and withdrawn, but lights up and becomes social and friendly with both me and others when I'm in the vicinity.
  • He does try to prolong our time together (i.e., by finding more places to walk to). He tends to take me for impromptu tours of random places, like the seventh floor of the office building. (My husband always was glad when our lessons ended up lasting much longer than the planned time. He also always asked me what I was doing after the lesson and even accompanied me a few times.)
  • He's complimented/made favorable observations on my appearance, sense of style, personality, talent, and intelligence. (Although my husband's compliments were more like "wordless awe" or agreements with me when I expressed an opinion....but yes, the same sentiment was there!)
  • He's done me small favors, like loaning me things that I don't even know I need, usually without me asking or even expecting him to. (My husband bought me very nice green tea on Women's Day, which is a holiday in Russia, because I always asked for green tea at his house during our lessons. :3 I totally didn't expect it because we were just "teacher/student" then. I also gave him things that were specifically related to his interests and he really liked that.)
  • He accidentally-on-purpose finds ways to touch me. (Yup, exactly. Usually in really gentlemanly ways or just by accident such as me asking for a pen, etc.)
  • He's done me small favors, like loaning me things that I don't even know I need, usually without me asking or even expecting him to. (My husband always offered to drive me to my next lessons despite the fact that he knew I could've taken the metro and it would've been faster easier. He obviously just wanted to spend time with me.)
  • He got really weird (broke eye contact, turned to look at his computer, acted frosty) when I told him one of our former coworkers asked me out a few months ago. (Similar when my husband heard me talking on the phone to another man, because he had been told that I was already married at that time, and he got really tense and noticeably uncomfortable when I took a phone call from a man in his presence.)
  • More and more frequently, he'll get this really sweet, vulnerable look on his face when he's looking at me (his eyes get all… melty;) (THISS!!!!! This is probably the key that made me really feel like he liked me in a romantic way.....THOSE EYES! :wacky:)

Yeah, so I see a lot of similarities here. I hope it'll work out for you guys. Have you thought about just directly addressing the situation with him? INTJs tend to like discussion, but in my case during one of our "dates" I ended up taking my husband's hand because I just felt he needed that extra "push" towards warmth. I later asked my husband if he felt I did the right thing by "starting it" that way, and he said that I absolutely was right. He was really glad that I initiated it because he felt too nervous and didn't want to hurt me or do the wrong thing. What do you feel you should do as a next step? Have you thought about it yet?

Also, my situation was a little easier because my husband is younger than me and he didn't have a lot of obligations or any past relationship history. Do you know about his current personal life situation? It just seems like he really likes you so I'm wondering what would be stopping him from wanting to become more serious..

Edited by millefleur

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I agree you may have to make the first move. Years ago I was really good friends with an INTJ. We used to talk on the phone for hours and the time flew. After a couple years he finally told me. I was really thrown for a loop. Had no idea. I think he told me right before he got married to someone else. I wasn't attracted to him so it didn't go anywhere. I cried after he got married bc I realized I lost a good friend. We lost touch after that. His new wife did not seem to like me. 

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Thanks for the replies!! Okay here we go:

8 hours ago, millefleur said:

Do you know about his current personal life situation? It just seems like he really likes you so I'm wondering what would be stopping him from wanting to become more serious..

First of all, millefleur, thank you SO MUCH for the thoughtful and detailed response. :) I have to answer this question first, because it impacts the other answers.

His current situation is... complicated. I don't want to delve into it too much, but yeah, he definitely has baggage and extenuating factors that would prevent him from acting on any feelings he might have. He's going through a divorce, and has one young child (3 years old). I think at this point it's best to leave it up to him whether he wants to pursue anything with me; he just doesn't seem to have the bandwidth, and I doubt he'd be ready for anything at this point, anyway. I really like him, and I care about him, and I'd hate to do anything to jeopardize our friendship (getting involved with him before he's ready would be a mistake). I kind of want to leave this part up to him; he'll know when he's ready and I don't want to push him.

8 hours ago, millefleur said:

He's complimented/made favorable observations on my appearance, sense of style, personality, talent, and intelligence. (Although my husband's compliments were more like "wordless awe" or agreements with me when I expressed an opinion....but yes, the same sentiment was there!)

Yeah, the "compliments" aren't really compliments, but... really positive comments with looks of awe (he's told me I look like certain blonde actresses and I'll say something like, "Uhhh, is that a compliment?" and he'll get awkward and just say, "Sure"). He usually just teases me and the implication is, "I think you're really great but I don't want to embarrass myself." It's pretty cute. He does the "wordless awe" thing more frequently than he verbalizes.

8 hours ago, millefleur said:

He's done me small favors, like loaning me things that I don't even know I need, usually without me asking or even expecting him to. (My husband bought me very nice green tea on Women's Day, which is a holiday in Russia, because I always asked for green tea at his house during our lessons. :3 I totally didn't expect it because we were just "teacher/student" then. I also gave him things that were specifically related to his interests and he really liked that.)

Your husband sounds like a sweetheart. I lived in Russia for awhile, too! My INTJ did something similar, but with coffee (I love coffee). He really loves sweets, and food in general, so I baked him his favorite cookies; he loved that.

8 hours ago, millefleur said:

More and more frequently, he'll get this really sweet, vulnerable look on his face when he's looking at me (his eyes get all… melty;) (THISS!!!!! This is probably the key that made me really feel like he liked me in a romantic way.....THOSE EYES! :wacky:)

I know. I KNOW. He has very expressive eyes. 

Anyway, thank you for all of your thoughtful analysis. I'm obviously totally smitten with this guy, but I don't know if things will work out, simply because of the horrible timing. In any case, it's nice to have the reassurance that his feelings are probably similar to mine.

 
 
...... added to this post 1 minute later:
 
6 hours ago, XNFX said:

I agree you may have to make the first move. Years ago I was really good friends with an INTJ. We used to talk on the phone for hours and the time flew. After a couple years he finally told me. I was really thrown for a loop. Had no idea. I think he told me right before he got married to someone else. I wasn't attracted to him so it didn't go anywhere. I cried after he got married bc I realized I lost a good friend. We lost touch after that. His new wife did not seem to like me. 

That's so sad—I'm so sorry you lost a good friend because of it! Losing friends can be even more heartbreaking than romantic relationships ending. (I don't blame his wife for feeling a little threatened, but it's still a sad reality to be faced with.)

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1 hour ago, bella85 said:

Thanks for the replies!! Okay here we go:

First of all, millefleur, thank you SO MUCH for the thoughtful and detailed response. :) I have to answer this question first, because it impacts the other answers.

His current situation is... complicated. I don't want to delve into it too much, but yeah, he definitely has baggage and extenuating factors that would prevent him from acting on any feelings he might have. He's going through a divorce, and has one young child (3 years old). I think at this point it's best to leave it up to him whether he wants to pursue anything with me; he just doesn't seem to have the bandwidth, and I doubt he'd be ready for anything at this point, anyway. I really like him, and I care about him, and I'd hate to do anything to jeopardize our friendship (getting involved with him before he's ready would be a mistake). I kind of want to leave this part up to him; he'll know when he's ready and I don't want to push him.

It's really sad when things are complicated due to "life" getting in the way and general baggage. But I would say there's no reason not to continue keeping in touch and maintaining a good friendship. If he's going through a divorce, it's good to keep a certain distance but also be a friend when he might need support. Sometimes men like having female friends to open up their emotional side that they aren't comfortable doing with their male friends. It might be a challenge for you since you like him so much, but try to dial back your own hopes/desires and focus on helping him however you can....I think we INFJs do that quite well. 

P.S. Where and why did you live in Russia? That's quite unusual, Russia tends to scare most people! Only the brave venture over here. :nice:

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38 minutes ago, millefleur said:

It's really sad when things are complicated due to "life" getting in the way and general baggage. But I would say there's no reason not to continue keeping in touch and maintaining a good friendship. If he's going through a divorce, it's good to keep a certain distance but also be a friend when he might need support. Sometimes men like having female friends to open up their emotional side that they aren't comfortable doing with their male friends. It might be a challenge for you since you like him so much, but try to dial back your own hopes/desires and focus on helping him however you can....I think we INFJs do that quite well. 

Yeah, you're right. It's just so frustrating! Of course, to further complicate matters, most of his behavior with me started several months before he was separated (so, before September). But yes, I am able to be a good friend in spite of my feelings for him; I care about him and I only want the best for him, even if the best thing for him isn't being with me. Trouble is, in my experience, a lot of guys misinterpret my genuine effort to be a friend as romantic interest (even when I have no interest in them in that context!) and it almost always gets awkward. So I have to continue treading really carefully, which is not my favorite thing to do. 

There's also the possibility that he and I will be working together again sometime in the near future (although not in a manager/subordinate scenario this time), so it probably is best to keep a respectful distance for the time being. 

40 minutes ago, millefleur said:

P.S. Where and why did you live in Russia? That's quite unusual, Russia tends to scare most people! Only the brave venture over here. :nice:

St. Petersburg! I was only there for a little over a year (2007 and a little bit of 2008), but I loved it and I really miss it. I'd actually done study abroad during undergrad (in 2006) and moved for a job after graduation; that company then ended up transferring me back to the States. Where are you in Russia?

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10 hours ago, bella85 said:

Yeah, you're right. It's just so frustrating! Of course, to further complicate matters, most of his behavior with me started several months before he was separated (so, before September). But yes, I am able to be a good friend in spite of my feelings for him; I care about him and I only want the best for him, even if the best thing for him isn't being with me. Trouble is, in my experience, a lot of guys misinterpret my genuine effort to be a friend as romantic interest (even when I have no interest in them in that context!) and it almost always gets awkward. So I have to continue treading really carefully, which is not my favorite thing to do. 

There's also the possibility that he and I will be working together again sometime in the near future (although not in a manager/subordinate scenario this time), so it probably is best to keep a respectful distance for the time being. 

St. Petersburg! I was only there for a little over a year (2007 and a little bit of 2008), but I loved it and I really miss it. I'd actually done study abroad during undergrad (in 2006) and moved for a job after graduation; that company then ended up transferring me back to the States. Where are you in Russia?

That's great, I'm in Saint Petersburg too! Probably sometime this year we are moving to the States (if all goes well with the visa.) I love this city, glad you got to enjoy it for a bit!

Good luck with the situation. I think once the divorce stuff settles a bit things might improve. It might be a good thing if you both end up working together again because it would create a regular, yet formal, environment where you can meet. I think you definately have to just wait until he's ready to start actively making time for you or any kind of other relaitionship. I know what you mean about men misinterpreting friendships...so yeah, the work environment might end up being really helpful in this case. Best of luck!

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Oh, he wasn't really available then? I was about to say to just make the first move, but this is sort a complicated indeed. I'd say he's definitely interested. Trust your guts. 

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I think you are dealing with an INTP who, if he's into women, is happy to keep having a crush on you and hasn't decided if he wants to do anything about it.

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10 hours ago, millefleur said:

That's great, I'm in Saint Petersburg too! Probably sometime this year we are moving to the States (if all goes well with the visa.) I love this city, glad you got to enjoy it for a bit!

Good luck with the situation. I think once the divorce stuff settles a bit things might improve. It might be a good thing if you both end up working together again because it would create a regular, yet formal, environment where you can meet. I think you definately have to just wait until he's ready to start actively making time for you or any kind of other relaitionship. I know what you mean about men misinterpreting friendships...so yeah, the work environment might end up being really helpful in this case. Best of luck!

That's so cool—you're so lucky you get to live there. And good luck with the visa! :)

Thanks. I agree with you that things may settle once his divorce is finalized and he's gotten some time to process. I think my real goal in posting here was to reassure myself that he'll probably continue to like me, because at this point, I really just want to wait it out, but only if it's worth it. I think he's worth it. Fingers crossed that we get to work together again (it's all very uncertain right now).

10 hours ago, MissJ said:

Oh, he wasn't really available then? I was about to say to just make the first move, but this is sort a complicated indeed. I'd say he's definitely interested. Trust your guts. 

Thank you for saying that! I wouldn't mind making the move in any other situation, but yeah, too complicated in this case. I really appreciate the encouragement. :)

1 hour ago, vampyroteuthis said:

I think you are dealing with an INTP who, if he's into women, is happy to keep having a crush on you and hasn't decided if he wants to do anything about it.

That's really interesting; he's definitely an INTJ (he's taken the paid test and many others, but if you met him in person, it would be painfully obvious). He may seem a little INTP-ish based on the list I made?

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2 hours ago, vampyroteuthis said:

I think you are dealing with an INTP who, if he's into women, is happy to keep having a crush on you and hasn't decided if he wants to do anything about it.

I think it's hard to type someone just by a small post about how they've been perceived to act by another. Not everyone can just jump into relatioships as they see fit, life and other obligations can get in the way.

Also, not all INTJs act exactly the same when it comes to relationships. There are people who are open and like having flings, others are more serious. People have different expectations and moral standards, in addition to personal life situations, which guide their actions. It's not always about personality types.

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On 06/01/2017 at 6:14 PM, bella85 said:

Why I think he likes me:

  • Enormous convincing list 

Yes, he likes you. 

Now he was your boss and you're both in the same company so if he initiates that could be seen as sexual harassment. His sense of the inappropriate-ness of how his attraction started will probably keep him from action.

So you have to initiate if you want anything from this. Just the first time should be enough.

Ask him to go out for dinner with you one night in a district far from the office, and just see where it goes.

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1 hour ago, bella85 said:

He may seem a little INTP-ish based on the list I made?

Yup. INTPs often mistake themselves for INTJs.

 

1 hour ago, millefleur said:

 

I think it's hard to type someone just by a small post about how they've been perceived to act by another. Not everyone can just jump into relatioships as they see fit, life and other obligations can get in the way.

Also, not all INTJs act exactly the same when it comes to relationships. There are people who are open and like having flings, others are more serious. People have different expectations and moral standards, in addition to personal life situations, which guide their actions. It's not always about personality types.

I do take the first sentence of your post. The rest is pointlessly stating the obvious. Either type still differentiates past these other factors or it is meaningless enough not to warrant factoring in in the first place. That's not an untenable position, but it doesn't appear to be what you're saying so I'm not sure what you think you're achieving by telling me some pap about how people are different.

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Just now, ENTJAria said:

Yes, he likes you. 

Now he was your boss and you're both in the same company so if he initiates that could be seen as sexual harassment. His sense of the inappropriate-ness of how his attraction started will probably keep him from action.

So you have to initiate if you want anything from this. Just the first time should be enough.

Ask him to go out for dinner with you one night in a district far from the office, and just see where it goes.

lol thanks for the totally accurate summary of my list. :)

We don't work together anymore, sadly. But yeah, I was worried about the sexual harassment potential when we were working together, too, so both of us always stopped juuuuuust short of saying anything that could be construed as suggestive (he did make a few double entendres, but I'm pretty sure they were accidental; he's not very astute when it comes to that kind of subtle flirting, so I'd be surprised if he did it on purpose). I agree that I'll have to initiate, at some point, based on our preexisting relationship dynamics. Or just be really blatantly obvious about my interest, which is how I usually handle it. 

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i hope he likes you .  because as an INTJ , i hate reading long post like yours.   INTJs are to the point. efficiency matters

 

this is why we hate small talks. small talks are social things to accomodate people and make them feel good. 

 

but we are not very social by definition.  or else people here are not INTJ but ENTJ   by definition.

 

For INTJs, talking is about communicating things that are important, not to build feeling or social relation

 

Edited by French INTJ

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12 hours ago, French INTJ said:

i hope he likes you .  because as an INTJ , i hate reading long post like yours.   INTJs are to the point. efficiency matters

Ha, well, to be fair, I would never write any of that to him! Nor would I ever write him anything of that length.

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52 minutes ago, bella85 said:

Ha, well, to be fair, I would never write any of that to him! Nor would I ever write him anything of that length.

 

this is not the point.   if you write something really interesting,  he will read it anyway.

 

 what we dislike, is things that lead nowhere because this is the way that most people behave.  

 

communication is a way to build confort for most people .   whether the things said are stupid or clever doesn't matter.

 

it is a bond.  it is not done in a logical way to solve problems  and i can understand that.

 

for INTJ, communication is most of the time a bond in a logical way    to go ahead  because life is not about stupid things and parties  but achievement

 i can read a 50 pages sales letter if the sales letter talks about a specific need that i have.  the 50 pages are not fluff 

the 50 pages are not about social things like who is sleeping with this celebrity or other absurd thing from a logical point of view.

 

 

Edited by French INTJ

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On 1/5/2017 at 11:14 PM, bella85 said:

I've been perusing this forum for a few months, trying to get up the nerve to post yet another "does this INTJ like me?" thread. I'm pretty confident that the INTJ in question is romantically interested in me, or possibly ridiculously bad at conveying that he only sees me as a platonic friend, but I think I just need some relatively objective insights to validate my intuition.

About me: I'm a 31-year-old female INFJ. Generally horrendous at describing myself. I suppose I'm pretty friendly and exhibit most of the standard INFJ traits. 

About him: He's 41 years old and, obviously, an INTJ. He's one of the kindest people I know. He's stoic and quiet around people he's not close to, but really quirky and silly once you get to know him. He was my boss and we worked very closely for two years; I was his closest friend in the office, and he very nearly cried on my last day, which is the most emotional I’ve ever seen him. We're still in somewhat regular contact and see each other about once a month.

I'll put the clues in handy list format for easy scanning. (I was going to try to keep it short, but that didn't happen, so thanks in advance for slogging through it!)

Why I think he likes me:

  • He seems to remember everything I say and do and brings it up later (sometimes over a year later).
  • He's shared a lot of personal information with me, and confided in me about some of his insecurities and feelings. He's also told me a lot of stories about himself and his past.
  • I've confided in him about my personal life, and he always seems interested and asks questions.
  • Speaking of which, he's asked me a lot of questions about myself, my friends, and my family.
    • He once asked me if I wanted kids (after we walked by a baby in a stroller).
    • I mentioned an ex-boyfriend who worked in the same industry as we do and he asked questions about the guy and why our relationship didn't work out.
  • He's usually extremely quiet and withdrawn, but lights up and becomes social and friendly with both me and others when I'm in the vicinity. If I’m talking to someone else, he’s always nearby and listening, and he takes any opportunity to get my attention.
  • In a large group, he's either sitting/standing right next to me or staring at me. He's always keeping track of where I am, which, by the way, is not at all subtle.
  • When it’s just the two of us, particularly for shorter periods of time, he gets quiet unless I talk. He does try to prolong our time together (i.e., by finding more places to walk to). He tends to take me for impromptu tours of random places, like the seventh floor of the office building ("Let's walk the other way around today! Look, they changed the art on the walls"). The tours are definitely more interesting when we're outside the building. :)
  • We used to run errands together in the middle of the workday, a tradition that I started but he perpetuated.
    • We'd do things like go to clothing stores and try on ridiculous hats and sunglasses (in between the errands he actually needed to run).
    • When we took his car to run the errands, he always changed the radio station to the one I liked.
    • There were days when we should've only been gone an hour but were gone for three, because he kept taking me to stores I liked.
  • He's always teasing me, mostly about the same silly things over and over.
  • He's complimented/made favorable observations on my appearance, sense of style, personality, talent, and intelligence.
    • I have one dress that's clearly his favorite (so many compliments, so much staring).
    • He noticed when I changed my hair once and he said he liked it.
    • He's teased me about being younger than he is/looking young for my age/being pretty (he basically just compliments me in really awkwardly endearing ways).
    • He once quasi-teasingly called me an angel, which would've been embarrassing if I hadn't swiftly deflected it.
    • At work, every time I did anything clever or made a logical connection, he'd say something like, "See, this is why I told them we needed someone really smart!"
  • He's done me small favors, like loaning me things that I don't even know I need, usually without me asking or even expecting him to.
  • I'm the only one in our group of friends/acquaintances who's allowed in his personal space:
    • He likes to hug me, and he's initiated (I usually initiate, though). The hugs tend to be on the longer side.
    • He accidentally-on-purpose finds ways to touch me: touching my hand while passing a plate at a restaurant; letting me put my hand over his while showing me something on his phone and then not moving his hand away; legs touching under the table and then not moving away; bumping into me while walking, etc. 
    • (For reference: he's super jumpy and flails wildly and dramatically when other people touch him, so I know he usually hates it. I also know he's very spatially aware and perfectly capable of avoiding unwanted contact.)
  • He got really weird (broke eye contact, turned to look at his computer, acted frosty) when I told him one of our former coworkers asked me out a few months ago. He snapped out of it when I told him I wasn't at all interested in the guy. 
  • More and more frequently, he'll get this really sweet, vulnerable look on his face when he's looking at me (his eyes get all… melty; don't know how else to describe it). This often happens when I'm really close to him, like when we're about to hug, but I've also noticed it when we have prolonged eye contact.
  • It's been six months since we worked together, and every time he sees me now, he behaves the same way, but he's more obviously flirtatious. I last saw him right before Christmas and I could tell he was really happy to see me, because as soon as he did, he wouldn’t leave my side, even though I was also visiting with other people.

Believe it or not, I've cut out a lot of details. So, based on the above info, do you think this guy is into me? 

Or, do you think there's any possibility he just sees me as a friend and doesn't know how to moderate his behavior or something? Am I reading too much into his actions? I know he likes me as a person and trusts me, at least, which is always nice. 

I should also mention, I've been fairly obvious about the flirting, but not too obvious; the stakes are high for reasons I don't want to get into, and it goes beyond the threat of potentially embarrassing myself. I'm pretty sure he's aware that I'm into him, though.

I also don’t really know what to do about it, whether he thinks of me as a friend or a romantic interest; I don’t text him very often because he’s legitimately busy and I don’t like to feel like I’m intruding, but he always answers either right away or within a few hours. He’s also really bad at text-based conversation. I feel like I’ve been work-friend-zoned and I don’t know how to transition from work-friend to actual-friend. I also don't want him to think I'm pressuring him into anything, in the event that he knows I like him and he's not interested. 

Thoughts?

Need a little more explanation/data.

 

Why do you think you like him?  Or are you purely interested only in the fact that he likes you?

 

How would he describe you if he were posting the same thing here?

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On 08/01/2017 at 0:07 AM, ENTJAria said:

Yes, he likes you. 

 

Ask him to go out for dinner with you one night in a district far from the office, and just see where it goes.

 

this is not " see where it goes "

 

  the point is :  if the guys knows what he wants , he will get it.  if  he is not confident, it will be a stupid date

 

all is on the guy shoulders.  the yang energy is the one leading,  not the female energy

i am saying that watching " natural" seducer as they call themselves.   

the guy walks in the street then  chases a girl and kisses her within minutes.

 i thought this was faked with actors.

i found out that this is real because i witnessed it in town.

 

the guy knows what he wants : if the girls doesn't like him, he doesn't give a s****.  hit the road.  he just goes to the next girl in the street

 

this is yang in action.

 

 

 

 

Edited by French INTJ

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Just now, ENFPEACE said:

Need a little more explanation/data.

Why do you think you like him?  Or are you purely interested only in the fact that he likes you?

How would he describe you if he were posting the same thing here?

Thanks for the questions! Happy to provide more information.

I've been attracted to him since I first met him, but because he was married at the time and my boss, I suppressed those feelings. The things I like most about him are his complexity and his kindness, not to mention his quirkiness. I like his quiet confidence and his sincerity. I like that he's blunt and doesn't care about social politics (i.e., office politics), but is still reserved in his communication and behavior with most people. He and I get along well and understand each other, but appreciate each other's differences. He has strengths I don't have, and I have strengths he doesn't have. Being around him is calming because I can be myself, whereas I usually have to wear a social mask. I like that he's unusual. I like that he takes three weeks to research every facet of a pair of shoes before he buys them. And, yes, I do like that he likes me; I especially like that he's only seemed to like me more as he's gotten to know me, and I feel the same about him.

I can only guess how he would describe me here, but I'll give it a shot. I'm basing this on things he's said and witnessed and extrapolating, of course.

I think he would say that I'm kind and considerate, and that I have a quick wit and occasionally strange sense of humor. He would say that I adapt well to different social environments and I converse with others easily, and avoid confrontation unless I'm egregiously insulted (he witnessed this once and respected the way I stood up for myself). He'd say I'm quick to defend the people I care about when I feel they've been misunderstood or mistreated. He'd say I'm beautiful, and am always surrounded by guys (which isn't actually true, but most of my work friends were male and flirted with me, which coworkers usually just do for entertainment). He has said that I'm organized and smart, have excellent technical skills, and am very creative. He has also said that my observations about other people and their motives are astute. He's said I'm better than he is at some facets of the work we do than he is, and that I have interesting ideas. 

Is any of that helpful/informative? It's hard to evaluate myself through someone else's perspective!

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jut by reading this topic, i predict  this will leads nowhere with the boss

or it will takes 6 months to do anything

it sounds like a romantic novel, not a real life situation.

 

Quote

I like that he takes three weeks to research every facet of a pair of shoes before he buys them.

 

this is what i hate about women.  they are judging machine on stupid thing  .  the guy has to buy the right shoes on tuesday the 12 th of december after a 6 months survey  and he has to do that and that

 

this is insane.  i prefer to be slaped than to deal with women . this is insane

 

 

 

 

 

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12 minutes ago, French INTJ said:

i prefer to be slaped

If you run up and kiss strange women in the street with your yang, you'll make it happen!

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2 hours ago, French INTJ said:

 

this is not " see where it goes "

 

  the point is :  if the guys knows what he wants , he will get it.  if  he is not confident, it will be a stupid date

 

all is on the guy shoulders.  the yang energy is the one leading,  not the female energy

i am saying that watching " natural" seducer as they call themselves.   

the guy walks in the street then  chases a girl and kisses her within minutes.

 i thought this was faked with actors.

i found out that this is real because i witnessed it in town.

 

the guy knows what he wants : if the girls doesn't like him, he doesn't give a s****.  hit the road.  he just goes to the next girl in the street

 

this is yang in action.

 

 

 

 

I've dated Mr. "Yang In Action." 

Protecting his outsize... sense of masculinity... was all he was about.😂

And you'd better believe he had a pretty strict idea about what his partner had to do in order to be "properly feminine." To me this sounded like "stay in your place woman!" which is fine if you like that. 

I want a relationship where we are capable of being friends.

It's just dinner, not her asking him out with a bunch of roses and carrying him off into the sunset.

It's theoretically possible that she suggests going for a meal without 100% taking over the relationship like a marauder holding a pair of giant fake testicles.

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36 minutes ago, French INTJ said:

this is what i hate about women.  they are judging machine on stupid thing  .  the guy has to buy the right shoes on tuesday the 12 th of december after a 6 months survey  and he has to do that and that

I wasn't saying that at all. To clarify, I was asked what I liked about him. That's not something I can describe in objective terms; it's a subjective question, so I answered it subjectively. As for the shoes comment, I was being cheeky, but I really do respect and appreciate that he puts so much thought and research into his purchases.

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