Welcome to INTJ Forum

This is a community where INTJs can meet others with similar personalities and discuss a wide variety of both serious and casual topics. If you aren't an INTJ, you're welcome to join anyway if you would like to learn more about this personality type or participate in our discussions. Registration is free and will allow you to post messages, see hidden subforums, customize your account and use other features only available to our members.

jphreud

Opposite Gender Friendships

28 posts in this topic

Do INTJs form very strong opposite gender friendships? If so, what are the characteristics of those friendships? What are the limitations of them? Do you seek to build a strong friendship with someone before entering a romantic relationship, or can romantic relationships just naturally develop as a friendship deepens?  

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I don't think this has anything to do with type. I have lots of friends from the "opposite" gender. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I find male friendships form naturally and at a more sustainable degree of intimacy than female friends seem to require. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I too don't think this has anything to do with type. I have no friends of the opposite gender. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
4 hours ago, jphreud said:

Do INTJs form very strong opposite gender friendships? If so, what are the characteristics of those friendships? What are the limitations of them?

Yes. Many of my long-term close friendships are with women. I've moved around a lot in my life, and women are known to keep in better touch than men. I find the women who've chosen to stay in my life respond well to openness and their loyalty is more altruistic than defined by short-term self interest.

4 hours ago, jphreud said:

Do you seek to build a strong friendship with someone before entering a romantic relationship, or can romantic relationships just naturally develop as a friendship deepens?  

I decided about ten years ago not to get involved with guys without first establishing friendship. It caused a disaster.

I should have been more honest and said from day one  "I'm not in this with a goal to be friend-zoned - take it or leave it", and then  proceeded to let things take their own course.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I can form strong relationships with the opposite gender.  However, maintaining them is a whole different animal.  Sometimes my friendly relationships progress further, with the specific woman pushing further usually.  Maybe I draw feelings after a while?  

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

It's easy for me at least. Not so much type but lack of interest. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Posted (edited)

Romantic relationships can definitely form as a friendship develops, but its safer to be friends first and lovers second.

Plenty of studies of opposite sex friendships conclude that usually a guy has the desire to sleep with all the females he has a friendship with. The females, on the other hand, tend to be naive of the guy's hidden desire which would lift to the surface if the right opportunity arises. This also make many of the females succeptible to being seduced if the guy friend decides to react on his deep desire. 

Generally speaking, and ignoring friendships that developed before puberty; guys don't befriend a girl he doesn't want to sleep with. If they are friends, he either wants to bone her or he already did, perhaps are exes that ended amicably.

The fact that guys already have sexual desires towards his female friends makes the whole being friends first and lovers second a real possibility.

Edited by Tito

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

So, if I am very close friends with a male INTJ to the point where we text almost daily, hang out for dinner/movie/game nights about once a week, buy Christmas and birthday gifts for each other, etc there is a decent possibility he couldbe interested in a more romantic relationship, but is hesitating on initiating the next step? 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
3 hours ago, jphreud said:

So, if I am very close friends with a male INTJ to the point where we text almost daily, hang out for dinner/movie/game nights about once a week, buy Christmas and birthday gifts for each other, etc there is a decent possibility he couldbe interested in a more romantic relationship, but is hesitating on initiating the next step? 

Its not a question of is he interested, its a question of is he interested enough to make it known to you in a more blatant way.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Most of my friends are the opposite gender.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Most of my closest friendships are and have been with women. As for the characteristics of these friendships, this can vary a lot. Each friendship is as unique as the person it's with so it's not something I can really generalize. 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
11 hours ago, Tito said:

Plenty of studies of opposite sex friendships conclude that usually a guy has the desire to sleep with all the females he has a friendship with.

News to me. Can you point us to a few of those studies?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

It is safer for the ladies to NOT be that close to me because it's easier (for me) to develop that craving to devour them instantly compared to when with men when I can relax more and the devouring urges need more work to (allow to) surface.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Posted (edited)

On 07/01/2017 at 6:48 AM, Tito said:

Plenty of studies of opposite sex friendships conclude that usually a guy has the desire to sleep with all the females he has a friendship with. The females, on the other hand, tend to be naive of the guy's hidden desire which would lift to the surface if the right opportunity arises. This also make many of the females succeptible to being seduced if the guy friend decides to react on his deep desire. 

I agree with this statement wholly. I've never been friends with a woman that I wouldn't have sex with.

For me it's anecdotal and I'm sure that it does not apply to all men.

 

I also agree with the comments left on the "scientificamerican.com" article that women are much more inclined to lie when asked questions on a taboo subject by a human as opposed to electronically or on paper.
I would take that specific test with a grain of salt tbh.

Edited by demoniaco

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
14 hours ago, Tito said:

You said, "Plenty of studies of opposite sex friendships conclude that usually a guy has the desire to sleep with all the females he has a friendship with." And I asked if you could point us to a few of those.

Your first link points to a study that found that, on average, men were moderately more likely to experience some romantic and/or sexual attraction to their female friends than women were to experience some romantic and/or sexual attraction to their male friends.

That's a pretty long ways from "usually a guy has the desire to sleep with all the females he has a friendship with."

Your second link is just an article that discusses the same study in your first link. And I'd say it also exaggerates the average male/female differences. The 4.94 (male) vs. 3.97 (female) "self-reported attraction to friend" and 4.55 (male) vs. 3.90 (female) "self-reported desire to date friend," are somehow transformed into, as the article puts it, "Men were much more attracted to their female friends than vice versa."

And your third link is just a blog post that refers to the study in your first link.

So I'm sorry, but I'm still far from convinced that "usually a guy has the desire to sleep with all the females he has a friendship with."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Posted (edited)

31 minutes ago, reckful said:

You said, "Plenty of studies of opposite sex friendships conclude that usually a guy has the desire to sleep with all the females he has a friendship with." And I asked if you could point us to a few of those.

Your first link points to a study that found that, on average, men were moderately more likely to experience some romantic and/or sexual attraction to their female friends than women were to experience some romantic and/or sexual attraction to their male friends.

That's a pretty long ways from "usually a guy has the desire to sleep with all the females he has a friendship with."

Your second link is just an article that discusses the same study in your first link. And I'd say it also exaggerates the average male/female differences. The 4.94 (male) vs. 3.97 (female) "self-reported attraction to friend" and 4.55 (male) vs. 3.90 (female) "self-reported desire to date friend," are somehow transformed into, as the article puts it, "Men were much more attracted to their female friends than vice versa."

And your third link is just a blog post that refers to the study in your first link.

So I'm sorry, but I'm still far from convinced that "usually a guy has the desire to sleep with all the females he has a friendship with."

Hey, you simply don't want to believe it. If you are genuinely interested, Google is your friend. 

Edited by Tito

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I've often linked to this old thread, with a poll that got surprisingly (to me) lopsided results: Which gender do you feel more comfortable with?

There have now been 340 responses, and here are the results:


I'm male and I prefer to be around males: 49 (14.41%)

I'm male and I prefer to be around females: 94 (27.65%)

I'm female and I prefer to be around females: 14 (4.12%)

I'm female and I prefer to be around males: 101 (29.71%)

No preference: 62 (18.24%)

I don't know: 20 (5.8%)


The women — mostly INTJ, I presume, considering the forum's demographics — who prefer (non-romantic) male company outnumber the females who prefer female company by a little over 7 to 1. And the male stats are less lopsided, but the males who prefer female (non-romantic) company outnumber the males who prefer male company by close to a two-to-one ratio.

And as I said in that thread:

I'm male, and am a typical INTJ in terms of tending to keep to myself a lot and not spend a large number of hours in any given week hanging with friends. What friends I've had have been a mix of men and women, but I'd say I have a mild preference for women. The college friendships I'd describe as being at least somewhat "close" included more women than men (and this is non-girlfriends I'm talking about).

 

On 1/3/2017 at 1:54 PM, jphreud said:

Do you seek to build a strong friendship with someone before entering a romantic relationship, or can romantic relationships just naturally develop as a friendship deepens?  

For better or worse, women have always basically fallen into two categories for me. The first category is women who, for one reason or other, set off some kind of romantic (or inkling-of-romantic) spark. Those women have been few and far between, and there's virtually always been a sense of the romantic potential (from my end) very early on, before any significant friendship was established. And those were not women who I ever contemplated "building a strong friendship with" first, with a romantic relationship being an optional later development. I don't know that it could have worked for me to end up being "just friends" with a woman who I had significant unrequited romantic feelings for, but in any event, I never tried.

And the second category is all the other women (no initial, or later, romantic spark), and all my female "just friends" have come from that second category, and they were never friendships entered into with the notion that they might end up being romantic.

ADDED: Oops. That last paragraph is inaccurate when it comes to exes. I've been bf/gf first, then "just friends" after the breakup.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, reckful said:

So I'm sorry, but I'm still far from convinced that "usually a guy has the desire to sleep with all the females he has a friendship with."

I agree with you. I think "desire to sleep with" is an exaggeration. Having physical attraction to someone and wanting to have sex with them are different things.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I don't seek out either gender in particular for friendship, but my friends are overwhelmingly of the opposite gender.

I don't have fixed notions of what is required for a relationship to happen. If I want a relationship, I'm going to pursue it regardless of how well developed my interaction with that person is.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

My friendships are ~50/50. 

As a generality, males are more willing to put up with female shit and females are more willing to put up with male shit.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 1/5/2017 at 8:12 PM, True Rune said:

It's easy for me at least. Not so much type but lack of interest. 

I fucked up guys. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On January 6, 2017 at 5:34 PM, Tito said:

Its not a question of is he interested, its a question of is he interested enough to make it known to you in a more blatant way.

This is intriguing to me, because I wonder if because of a past heartbreak if he is hesitating to be more blatant. I am a very private person, and haven't be very demonstrative. So I wonder if he doubts how I feel and is holding back. Do I need to be more "forward" to signal my interest. I think I have been signaling, but it may not be strong enough. I touch him casually. Maintain good eye contact and physical proximity. Ask questions.  Tell him occasionally that I enjoy spending time with him. Always maintain communication contact. I am NOT the type to just flat out walk up to him and lay it on the line, so I'm kinda at an impasse right now until I can figure out how to go forward. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I don't have many friendships face to face owing to the small community I'm in. But, I do have more than my share of female friendships online. In school, I did have many more female friends. I think it was due to the posturing guys tend to do. I detest that. The deepest dating relationship I had was with a girl I didn't have a friendship with initially, she was a friend of a friend. Ultimately, not knowing each other as friends first most likely was the reason the relationship failed. To this day, I could probably still talk to her about anything. So, in a sense, a deep friendship came out of dating. :thinking: 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now