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Tito

What would be a reason for a guy to remain single for life?

98 posts in this topic

I will confirm that it can easily happen without someone making a conscious decision to not marry.

 

I'm 60 years old and I never married.  I also haven't had a serious relationship in the past 30 years, and it isn't because I chose not to.  I occasionally  make an attempt at finding dates, but I must admit that I am not terribly inclined to be the initiator in social interactions.  And alas, I don't seem to be someone that inspires women to go ahead and make the first move.

 

I have never gotten the impression from my acquaintances that any of them think of me as a creeper just based on the fact that I am not in a relationship and I never seem to be dating anyone.  But ...  in my occasional forays into online dating, I do get the impression that women who don't know me at all make that assumption quite easily.  And I never seem to get a second date even when I thought the first date went okay.  (But that may not have anything to do with the fact that I haven't been in a relationship in 30 years and might be based on any number of other factors.)

 

I wouldn't have chosen to not be in a relationship, but other than that I have been pretty happy with my life.

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On 2016-12-29 at 11:24 PM, Weltschmerzer said:

Being ugly without being attracted to other ugly people.

You don't need to be sexually attracted to someone right away to have a good relationship with them. If you like the person, attraction will develop. Besides, there are other ways to get turned on.

I didn't realize any of this until I actually tried having sex/a relationship.

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21 minutes ago, translate said:

You don't need to be sexually attracted to someone right away to have a good relationship with them. If you like the person, attraction will develop. Besides, there are other ways to get turned on.

I didn't realize any of this until I actually tried having sex/a relationship.

Nah, attraction doesn't always develop and has never done so for me. Cool that you can adapt, though.

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1 hour ago, GCD said:

I wouldn't have chosen to not be in a relationship, but other than that I have been pretty happy with my life.

...while many in a relationship if they told the truth would probably weep at the wretchedness of their compromised existence LOL

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Posted (edited)

I just posted this in another thread, I feel it applies here as well: 

Quote

I found once I let go of the need to be around people I felt much better about being alone.

I'm currently going to a day treatment for mental health concerns and what I have realized about myself in that is that I am just not very social in general. Like I know I have the option to "hang out" with some of the patients that are there, but I have realized the extent of my introversion and know that even after not being around people other than my family for a long time and suddenly being thrown in the mix of different people I realize I just don't crave being social as much as most other people. So for me, it is not a sad thing being by myself, but actually what I prefer. And I say all this not necessarily being overly isolated from people -- I still sit with them at lunch and engage in social activities. Its just that I just don't get as much out of it as most people. Maybe it is because I am so different from other people that I feel this way, IDK.

Best of luck.

 

 

...... added to this post 8 minutes later:

 

I think loneliness in general comes from thinking people have something that you don't. You feel its a need because other people have it and you feel like you are left out. What I have come to realize is that its not all its cracked up to be. Its the same with romantic relationships. Most people think that romantic relationships will fulfill you, but in my experience, they come with their own obstacles and challenges and at this point in my life I don't want those obstacles and challenges in my life, so I purposefully go without them. In layman's terms this looks like the person who always wants to be single when they are with someone and always wants to be in a relationship when they are single.

I say all this, but your milage may vary.

 

Besides that, I feel it is just so hard to find someone who understands me who I feel I have a real connection to, but at the same time, I have accepted this and generally don't mind being single. I am a very strong introvert by nature and this just manifests itself in me in a way that makes me a bit averse to being around people. I can't tell if it is because I am smarter than most of the people around me or if it is simply that I am just really different from other people that makes connecting with them difficult. I seem to understand most people and most of what "normal" people do/say doesn't interest me, so I have just kinda adopted a laissez faire attitude toward relationships in general. So while I am not averse to relationships per se, I just think finding them is really quite difficult and not worth stressing over.

I found once I let go of the need to be around people I felt much better about being alone.

Edited by QuickTwist

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On 12/30/2016 at 7:37 PM, Expansion said:

Not a high enough priority for the massive effort required to do it well enough to be worth doing.

It would have to fall in my lap and still seem appealing enough to continue with. Good things don't normally fall in one's lap. You have to work for them, and the effort implies a certain degree of confidence in your chances. I'm not going to spend all my precious free time on certain failure, unless I really enjoy the process independent of outcome.

Precisely. A couple of other posters reiterated this point as well. That's where I stand on the issue. I just don't seem to have the gas in the tank (the confidence, will and stamina) to undergo such a massive effort and breaching of my comfort zone, for such little guarantee of a desirable outcome. If the opportunity fell into my lap, then I certainly would consider it. That has been my hope all along, though I know that it's unlikely, nor is it for me to decide. But to bend over backwards and make myself miserable in partaking in a vain chase that I obviously have little desire to embark on in the first place? Hardly. 

I don't think that it's necessarily because most us aren't meant for romantic relationships, it's just that we're not built for all the preliminary bullshit that one has to proceed through before being presented with an opportunity to be in a (decent) one in the first place. It seems ridiculous. 

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5 hours ago, QuickTwist said:

I feel it is just so hard to find someone who understands me who I feel I have a real connection to

The nobody understands me excuse is just a way of offloading the fault to other people. They probably do understand you and the problem is that you can't find someone that is willing to comply with your unreasonable requirements. These tortured souls are rarely so unique. They are simply broken themselves and convinced about their uniqueness because that explains their failures.

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59 minutes ago, Bisclavret said:

Precisely. A couple of other posters reiterated this point as well. That's where I stand on the issue. I just don't seem to have the gas in the tank (the confidence, will and stamina) to undergo such a massive effort and breaching of my comfort zone, for such little guarantee of a desirable outcome. If the opportunity fell into my lap, then I certainly would consider it. That has been my hope all along, though I know that it's unlikely, nor is it for me to decide. But to bend over backwards and make myself miserable in partaking in a vain chase that I obviously have little desire to embark on in the first place? Hardly. 

I don't think that it's necessarily because most us aren't meant for romantic relationships, it's just that we're not built for all the preliminary bullshit that one has to proceed through before being presented with an opportunity to be in a (decent) one in the first place. It seems ridiculous. 

Yours is a deeper problem, as evidenced by your many past threads where you have openly discussed it. It isn't that you don't have the gas in the tank, to search for a partner and build a relationship. Your bigger problem is that you don't really have the gas in the tank to pursue ANY major endeavour in life ...

 
 
...... added to this post 1 minute later:
 
27 minutes ago, thod said:

The nobody understands me excuse is just a way of offloading the fault to other people. They probably do understand you and the problem is that you can't find someone that is willing to comply with your unreasonable requirements. These tortured souls are rarely so unique. They are simply broken themselves and convinced about their uniqueness because that explains their failures.

Either that, or they are just Enneagram Type 4's, LOL.

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1 hour ago, thod said:

The nobody understands me excuse is just a way of offloading the fault to other people. They probably do understand you and the problem is that you can't find someone that is willing to comply with your unreasonable requirements. These tortured souls are rarely so unique. They are simply broken themselves and convinced about their uniqueness because that explains their failures.

Honestly I don't really care if I am in a relationship or not. You are assuming I am much "simpler" than I really am. I don't have self pity (for the most part), I just feel disconnected from people in general.

 
 
...... added to this post 4 minutes later:
 

The word you're looking for is shame, which I don't have.

 
 
...... added to this post 59 minutes later:
 
2 hours ago, Major Chord said:

Either that, or they are just Enneagram Type 4's, LOL.

This guy knows what's up.

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I've chosen to remain single.

I genuinely see myself as being much happier by remaining single. I honestly don't see how me being in a relationship with a woman will improve my quality of life. In all of the relationships I've been in, women have always been the takers and haven't contributed anything to my life other than sex and headaches. Firstly, I'm not a sexually driven person to begin with, and, secondly, I don't need to be in a steady relationship to get sex. So the single life it is.

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2 hours ago, MGTOW_Falcon said:

I've chosen to remain single.

I genuinely see myself as being much happier by remaining single. I honestly don't see how me being in a relationship with a woman will improve my quality of life. In all of the relationships I've been in, women have always been the takers and haven't contributed anything to my life other than sex and headaches. Firstly, I'm not a sexually driven person to begin with, and, secondly, I don't need to be in a steady relationship to get sex. So the single life it is.

Are there activities you enjoy doing with someone else?  That's really the major reason I enjoy being in a relationship.  I'm super active and want to do everything and go everywhere, so it's nice to have someone to partner up with  to share in life's adventures.  

Otherwise I wouldn't really care to be in a relationship.  If I were just someone who sat inside and played video games or watched movies, I would be content with a solitary life.  It's just a lot of fun to discover new passions and interests with another person.

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I've often thought that men who choose to remain single simply prefer their own company; can't be bothered dealing with the potential dramatics/baggage/complications/compromises involved with having a full-time SO; and want a simple, streamlined, independent lifestyle. 

My mother's brother is like this. He has had a few serious relationships, which were headed towards marriage, but always decided against taking things that far.

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I have never understood why people pressure others to date/marry.  

If someone has asked for your advice, sure, tell them what you think... but to ambush someone with this kind of invasive meddling is just wrong.

Both of my daughters are single, and I would be thrilled to see them marry good men who will help them fulfill their potential.  But I have never said this to them, because I don't think people should be pressured in this area.  They know that, in whatever comes, I am there for them... always.  And I have told them that.

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On 2017-01-01 at 2:47 AM, Bisclavret said:

Precisely. A couple of other posters reiterated this point as well. That's where I stand on the issue. I just don't seem to have the gas in the tank (the confidence, will and stamina) to undergo such a massive effort and breaching of my comfort zone, for such little guarantee of a desirable outcome.

That makes sense, and I felt the same for many years. That's different from someone saying they couldn't possibly be happy in a relationship - those people are claiming that they have proved a negative.

I don't like the process of dating, and attempted it as a personal development exercise more than anything else. If my current relationship went away, I probably wouldn't bother trying again because as you say, it doesn't make sense to put in a lot of effort when the chance of success is so small.

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On 1/1/2017 at 3:48 AM, Major Chord said:

Yours is a deeper problem, as evidenced by your many past threads where you have openly discussed it. It isn't that you don't have the gas in the tank, to search for a partner and build a relationship. Your bigger problem is that you don't really have the gas in the tank to pursue ANY major endeavour in life ...

Aye, there is a holistic aspect to this in terms of my thought patterns and behaviour as of late. That being said, it's not absolute. I remember that even when I was passionate in the other areas of life, this is an area I never had the will or stamina for. I mean none. I would have gladly taken the desired outcome, but the process seemed far too laborious, costly and inefficient. It always seemed quasi pointless to me (i.e. the chase/hunt), because at least in the other areas the outcome mostly depended on me and me alone. Here, there's very little steering ability in making that desired come to pass, since it's contingent upon a separate will. This is even more true if you don't have the energy and patience to slog through a whole lot of BS to even stand a chance at getting to the other side. Chances are you're jaded beyond recognition when/if you get there. I really wasn't interested in making myself more jaded than I already am, seeing as that would have been the likely outcome. 

 
 
...... added to this post 20 minutes later:
 
41 minutes ago, translate said:

That makes sense, and I felt the same for many years. That's different from someone saying they couldn't possibly be happy in a relationship - those people are claiming that they have proved a negative.

I don't like the process of dating, and attempted it as a personal development exercise more than anything else. If my current relationship went away, I probably wouldn't bother trying again because as you say, it doesn't make sense to put in a lot of effort when the chance of success is so small.

Right. I think if we had a system where people could feel confident in the outcome, the effort would adjust itself accordingly. Who knows, people like us might even look forward to engaging more. I know for certain that if I knew, without a doubt, that my efforts would translate into the desirable outcome, and that the process itself was actually both attractive and pleasant (i.e. "fun"), I'd certainly wouldn't hesitate to throw myself in there. But as it stands, I'm finding little reason to do so. 

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On 12/24/2016 at 0:07 PM, Tito said:

What can possibly lead a person to be single for life?

There are as many reasons for a person to be single for life as there are for a person to not be. Could you be more specific?

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Posted (edited)

On 12/24/2016 at 1:07 PM, Tito said:

 

What can possibly lead a person to be single for life?

Are you willing to live such a life?

I believe in happiness and staying positive. I work on building a better life for myself, and constantly improving my life. My work/business is my life at the moment, and my clients constantly keep me busy. I am financially and emotionally independant.  I am living a fulfilllng life.

As of right now, I do not see any reason to leave my single life. But if, and only if I am in a dire need of companionship, I will consider. My future significant other must agree with my mind above all else. 

Edited by Schubertslied

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On 12/24/2016 at 10:07 AM, Tito said:

We've all read the threads asking what makes a guy stick with a woman, but what about those that never marry and in the end live most of their life as singles?

What can lead a person to choose a solitary existence? 

This past summer I was presented a husband-wife couple that are both mutes. I have no idea how they communicate (no sign language), but they are definitely in love and committed with each other. Since then I have been thinking about this on and off for quite a few months.

I also have an uncle that never married and has spent decades without a girlfriend. We also know that he's not gay, so the downlow life is out of the question. 

What can possibly lead a person to be single for life?

Are you willing to live such a life?

Some people do the nose-to-the-grindstone for so long to get the kind of success they want that some kind of ticking clock slows down, stops--and they keep on doing what they do, alone.

Single, too, can be for religious reasons. I know a priest who remained single though not celibate "before" becoming a priest in his early 40s. First one I knew like that; really likable, and definitely not gay.

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On 12/24/2016 at 10:07 AM, Tito said:

We've all read the threads asking what makes a guy stick with a woman, but what about those that never marry and in the end live most of their life as singles?

What can lead a person to choose a solitary existence? 

This past summer I was presented a husband-wife couple that are both mutes. I have no idea how they communicate (no sign language), but they are definitely in love and committed with each other. Since then I have been thinking about this on and off for quite a few months.

I also have an uncle that never married and has spent decades without a girlfriend. We also know that he's not gay, so the downlow life is out of the question. 

What can possibly lead a person to be single for life?

Are you willing to live such a life?

I've been single most of my entire existence .  I guess for me, it's my wishy washiness.   Commitment is such a boring word.   True commitment doesn't require effort.  It's natural.  if I find that, then I'll settle down with that amazing woman capable of making me feel that way.  Otherwise, I'm happier single.

Edited by ENFPEACE

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