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sonicshaman

Leave my smothering/controlling wife?

90 posts in this topic
5 hours ago, Sybaris said:

She's 43

Has anyone suggested menopause?

She very well could be imbalanced

 

Get her hormones checked

Well, if she is going through fertility treatments, then she is dealing with those crazy hormones as well as the stress that comes with the issue anyway.

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Do NOT give this woman your genetic material until the two of you have worked out your issues. 

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I'm not going to presume to give advise on your marriage. But I will say that to even consider having a child in this type of situation is beyond stupid.  

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As it stands you will walk (or run) away from this relationship at some point in the future if nothing changes. The only question is how much can you take before you do this?

You're ill suited and your wife lacks awareness and is selfish and insensitive. 

 

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She doesn't understand or accept your need for periods of solitude. If that doesn't change the situation will not get any better.

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I read through the whole thread so here's my take on it.

1. You and your wife are both EXTREMELY not self aware and bad at communication (you shouldn't have called her crazy. She shouldn't have flipped out)

2. This is both your faults

But since you're the one here asking the question and not here I'm going to harp on YOUR faults so here goes. you seem to think that saying you're a "NICE GUY" in the OP is some kind of badge of honor. And on the internet "nice" is too often used this way. As another word for doormat behavior. Yes. Sorry if that sounds bad. But you're letting her walk all over you. Like how did you let her push you into something as life changing and consequential as HAVING A BABY when you don't want it? 

what makes you think constantly bending over backwards for your wife is acceptable behavior for the health of your relationship? she sounds aggressive as is. You're just enabling her. Why is she so controlling and disrespectful of your boundaries? Can it be because you're so poor at setting them that as far as an aggressive personality like hers is concerned, you've never set any? Has any relationship you've ever witnessed where one partner always gives into the other worked out well? Your resentment is on the verge of ending this relationship. So no it's NOT a good thing that you bend over backwards for her at every turn and you want to make it into one. You frame it as sacrificing your happiness for hers. Fine. Call it that if you want. Chronically doing so is not virtue either. Failing to stand up for yourself, allowing resentment to brew then once it has hit a certain level, nuking the relationship is NOT a virtue.

Avoiding conflict is not resolving them. That's your problem there. You two needed counseling last year. She has control issues too. Go see a therapist. Seriously. Pause the fertility treatments until this is resolved. And move out of her parents' house. Or just divorce her. Looks like this is what you want to hear anyway. You don't need our permission. If you want to do it then do something on your own and for yourself.

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Have the baby, it may change the relationship's dynamic quite a bit.  Either your life with her will become more liveable (think how much of her attention that baby is going to take), or you may actually find it easier to leave her--sort of throwing the baby under the bus to make your escape.  Obviously the baby should have a father, but not a miserable father.

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10 hours ago, Paul Siraisi said:

Have the baby, it may change the relationship's dynamic quite a bit.  Either your life with her will become more liveable (think how much of her attention that baby is going to take), or you may actually find it easier to leave her--sort of throwing the baby under the bus to make your escape.  Obviously the baby should have a father, but not a miserable father.

Worst advice I've ever heard.

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30 minutes ago, INTJoe said:

Worst advice I've ever heard.

X2.

Guy doesn't even know if he wants the baby.
What happens when he ends up not liking the baby, and divorcing the wife? 18 years of child support with no appreciable benefit for the OP, and a kid with a father who doesn't like him/her. Fucking GREAT idea. :facepalm:

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Yes, what if the baby grows into someone with a temper as bad as its mum's, and there end up being two of them making his life miserable, perhaps even ganging up against him in arguments sometimes? What if the sleep deprivation caused by the baby crying in the night makes his wife even more irritable than she is now? What if the baby's constantly crying and that adds to his own misery? He really should have weighed up considerations like this against fear of her wrath when he first thought about agreeing to go along with her wishes for a child for "fear of her wrath", since if she has a baby, it'll affect him way into the future, maybe not in good ways.

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I have a Chinese wife. Some of what you mentioned I experience too, but yours is particularly unbalanced. Obviously, wanting children is the main factor in this.

You've been together for 6 years, and you're nearing the point where you may have kids (your child may have health problems due to her age, as I'm sure you were told).

I didn't read the thread through, so I'm not sure if your wife is Chinese or other. But in contemporary China, any woman over 28 is 'leftover', and a great deal of career-seeking women end up dating foreigners as the only men who treat a 28+ woman with dignity.

Since she married you at 37, I'm guessing she consciously chose a career for a long time, and ignored wishes of her parents for a grandchild. Now she has changed her mind, her parents and community may shun her as a hypocrite. Just speculating.

I have no clear answer for you. She provides business opportunity to you, as my wife does too. But she needs you more than you need her, in a relationship sense.

Talking things through may be impossible, but I hope you can find an equitable balance in your life again.

One observation about Chinese, and probably Asian, relationships: they are never equal, one always dominates. Unless the foreigner is particularly assertive, it's typically the Asian partner. She may be trying to compensate for feeling vulnerable, by trying to contol you more.

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3 hours ago, coineineagh said:

I have a Chinese wife. Some of what you mentioned I experience too, but yours is particularly unbalanced. Obviously, wanting children is the main factor in this.

 

I spent a lot of time in Asia.............. huuuuuuuge pressure to reproduce and yes, his wife is a leftover. Not only that but if they do have a child I hope he has some hobbies outside the home cause he's only going to be part of the scenery, just an accessory.

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13 hours ago, Talking Teapot said:
20 hours ago, Underachiever said:

X2.

Guy doesn't even know if he wants the baby.
What happens when he ends up not liking the baby, and divorcing the wife? 18 years of child support with no appreciable benefit for the OP, and a kid with a father who doesn't like him/her. Fucking GREAT idea. :facepalm:

Yes, what if the baby grows into someone with a temper as bad as its mum's, and there end up being two of them making his life miserable, perhaps even ganging up against him in arguments sometimes? What if the sleep deprivation caused by the baby crying in the night makes his wife even more irritable than she is now? What if the baby's constantly crying and that adds to his own misery? He really should have weighed up considerations like this against fear of her wrath when he first thought about agreeing to go along with her wishes for a child for "fear of her wrath", since if she has a baby, it'll affect him way into the future, maybe not in good ways.

She wants a kid very much.  She said he's her last chance to have one, and at 43 she's not far wrong.

He is currently her husband, and she appears to have no idea he wants to leave.  That is, he is going to surprise ditch her at the worst possible moment in her biological life.

At a minimum, he should present her with this option:   'I'll give you a baby if you want it.  I'm leaving.  Sign here, no child support.'

This is not a bad option, just an unconventional one.  You'd think no kid ever grew up without a father before.

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Oh, now it makes sense. I'm glad you clarified your position.

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On 12.12.2016 at 5:43 PM, Paul Siraisi said:

Have the baby, it may change the relationship's dynamic quite a bit.  Either your life with her will become more liveable (think how much of her attention that baby is going to take), or you may actually find it easier to leave her--sort of throwing the baby under the bus to make your escape.  Obviously the baby should have a father, but not a miserable father.

That's quite a gamble you're making with the life of a child.

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On 12/13/2016 at 8:17 PM, Paul Siraisi said:

She wants a kid very much.  She said he's her last chance to have one, and at 43 she's not far wrong.

He is currently her husband, and she appears to have no idea he wants to leave.  That is, he is going to surprise ditch her at the worst possible moment in her biological life.

At a minimum, he should present her with this option:   'I'll give you a baby if you want it.  I'm leaving.  Sign here, no child support.'

This is not a bad option, just an unconventional one.  You'd think no kid ever grew up without a father before.

I don't know how this is better than leaving her to explore other options (sperm bank, a different partner) rather than have a baby with her husband who wants out of the marriage and fatherhood.

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On 12/8/2016 at 11:28 AM, sonicshaman said:

I will give one more example of an actual situation to illustrate what's going on here to the people who think that there are simple ways to blow her off and remain unaffected.

THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED:

We were riding together looking for a location that we've been to many times before. She was driving, I was navigating. As we approach our the street for our final left hand turn here's what happened.

me: "Ok turn left at this next street."

her: "I dont think I can turn here....This doesn't look right...It's a one way street going the wrong way."

me: "OK, IF you can't turn left here, THEN go on to the next street."

***She drives right past the street which she could have made a left on.***

me: "That was it, you missed it."

her: "You told me to go to the next street."

***She flips out at this point***

her: "I don't wan't to keep driving for no reason!"

me: "No I said IF you can't turn THEN go to the next street."

her: "You said to go to the next street! I'm tired! I've been driving all day!"

me: "No I didn't, but even if I had it's just a couple extra blocks and not worth fighting over."

her: "No it's not! I'm not going to drive anymore!"

me: "What the hell I didn't do anything wrong! Of course sometimes we don't understand each other but it's not worth fighting about!"

her: "You always try to make me confused!"

me: "I always try to make everything as simple as I can! You're crazy!"

***Stop talking to each other while we fume.......

These type of confrontations are always an instant away which leaves me perpetually as a nervous wreck on the inside I try not to let it show on the outside.

This happens constantly so please tell me how you would have handled the situation.

Instead of repeatedly explaining what you said and she didn't get, I would give her the next direction to correct the path to the destination.

People explaining what they said instead of dealing with the issue at hand is really annoying and almost always useless, it only escalates frustration.

I wouldn't have said "That was it, you missed it".

I would have said "We passed it" followed by new directions to correct the mistake.

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You're supposed to drive.

Were your eyes dilated or something?

Let's start by fixing that mistake.

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Why did you marry her? Didn't you tell her that INTJ's need a numerous amount of time alone? If you love her then you need to put your emotions aside and use your brain and solve your own problems. 

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To the OP:

My best advice is to try to fix this problem by having a child.  If that doesn't work, have another child.  Keep doing that until people start thinking you're Mormon.  Assuming the kids don't fix everything, the next step is to start making large financial investments together, like opening new businesses and buying homes.  Make sure you have no exit strategy.  If that doesn't work, pretend like you're setting up counseling, but really don't do it.  If you need to see someone "on the side," I get it, but do it in a way that she doesn't know know, but she sort of  knows, if you see where I'm coming from.  I think you do, you sly dog you.  I'd also leave bibles and guns laying around just for good measure.  I'm not sure why, but it seems like a good measure.

You're welcome.  Glad I could help.

 
 
 
Edited by Hanover

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19 hours ago, meerkat said:

Instead of repeatedly explaining what you said and she didn't get, I would give her the next direction to correct the path to the destination.

People explaining what they said instead of dealing with the issue at hand is really annoying and almost always useless, it only escalates frustration.

I wouldn't have said "That was it, you missed it".

I would have said "We passed it" followed by new directions to correct the mistake.

Yes, OP, it might be a good idea to try to get her to focus on the future all the time during an argument; so, for instance, if she says something that makes it sound as if she's blaming you for something or raking up something you did earlier that she didn't like, you could often try calmly saying things like, "It's not going to help us to talk about something we can't change now; let's focus on what we can do to change things for the better now. What do you think we can do to make this situation better for both of us?"

Try to make sure your tone of voice is calm so it doesn't irritate her.

And try to stop doing things that might be contributing to the situation by making accusations against her in the heat of the moment, and so on, which will just aggravate her and escalate the bickering or bad feeling.

... ... Does anyone know if the OP's actually still alive? :p He hasn't posted for a while!

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On ‎12‎/‎15‎/‎2016 at 11:52 AM, SelfMadeBum said:

I don't know how this is better than leaving her to explore other options (sperm bank, a different partner) rather than have a baby with her husband who wants out of the marriage and fatherhood.

I'd certainly want to give her fair warning before producing the baby.  I guess I was assuming she would prefer his baby over others, even if he left, since he was the one she married.

 
 
...... added to this post 0 minutes later:
 
On ‎12‎/‎15‎/‎2016 at 9:18 AM, Antares said:

That's quite a gamble you're making with the life of a child.

Life is a crapshoot.

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On 12/17/2016 at 5:23 PM, Paul Siraisi said:

I'd certainly want to give her fair warning before producing the baby.  I guess I was assuming she would prefer his baby over others, even if he left, since he was the one she married.

 
 
...... added to this post 0 minutes later:
 

Life is a crapshoot.

Just because she prefers his baby doesn't mean he's obligated to give her one. If he says yes to this, the benefit is that she will have HIS sperm over all others. But the drawback for him is that he can potentially be on the hook for the next 18 years. I'm not sure there really is a way for most reasonable people to reproduce without being tied to each other for a LONG time. 

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Everybody I'm sorry for not continuing this thread. This situation has become a whirlwind and I haven't had the time alone to really think about what I want to say before posting again. I can't believe a month and a half has gone by since the last post.

UPDATE: I could not find it inside of myself to tell her that I was not ready to try and have a baby, so we went through with the infertility treatments. The chances of success were said to be 4% by the doctor so I figured GOD will sort this this one out. Well now she's pregnant. We find out tomorrow the status of the pregnancy and if possibly it could be "twins" since two fertilized eggs were put back in.  I'm having so many conflicting emotions right now but I have to pretend like I'm into this, and I feel ashamed for not voicing my opinion strongly enough. I wasn't sure what I wanted so I let someone else control my fate.

However her mood lifted after the news of the pregnancy. She was more agreeable to be around for awhile, but it was short lived. She has gone back to bashing me for no reason (or because I simply state that I don't like how she is treating me). This is what happened tonight which is a recurring scenario:

She was showing me a menu of where we will be eating tomorrow. They have several choices for soup flavor and I don't know what I will like since I'm not asian. So I simply ask "might they let me taste a little sample of a couple broths so I can choose what I like?". Well she cuts me off at the word "little samp..." with a big "no....they don't do that....." This is frequently how she starts arguments. She talks a lot everyday and I don't talk much because she's so dominating, but she will frequently force an opinion out of me. When I finally decide to express my point of view, she swiftly cuts me off in the middle of my sentence so she can keep rambling which makes me feel so low. So I ask her "could you please stop cutting me off? I understand if they won't do it but it bothers me when you don't let me finish my sentences." So she cuts me off again during this sentence which is more than rude at this point. Not Only can I not speak, but I cannot express how I feel when she doesn't let me speak.

This time I decided to "stand up for myself" and keeps trying to tell her how I feel when she cuts me off. But instead she insisted that I always get "this way" when I drink a beer and then she storms off to bed like I offended her! I said nothing derogatory to her at all. I finally realize somethings about both of us. I can finally admit that I do suffer from anxiety which makes me reserved, introverted and easily affected. But I also realize that she has a mental problem due to the abuse of her parents and there is no chance of even having rational conversations once anything sets her off. She is a forceful dominator. And if I try to have a rational conversation when she's in a normal mood....that will be enough to set her off. I was happy over the last couple days and have tried to open my heart to her again, telling her how much I love her, and talking about our future with her, but now I feel like this insanity will always be waiting under the surface to show it's face. She won't voice her common disagreements with other people, but she must let me know everything that she feels I've done "wrong". Even if it's just pausing a movie for her while she goes to the bathroom. She'll seriously get on me about being thoughtful about her.

I really don't know what to do and to be honest, thoughts of ending it all have been trying to get in my head. It's like being with someone who is usually cool but will sucker punch you in the face 1 or 2 times daily without reason. I've definately made mistakes here but it seems like I'm with someone who can't go 2-3 days without blowing up, and will not talk rationally about any type of comprise. I wonder what relationships are for? And is this normal but I'm just too sensitive?? I don't think I want kids with her, but maybe they would bring us joy???

All i can say if if I could do it all again, I would never have another serious relationship in my entire life....
 

 

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