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Vega Vex

INTJ dating an INFJ

Hey, so I finally found a girl I'm really into... she's the only one that has made me happy in a long time. I'm looking to date her, she's an INFJ. I'm also feeling other emotions other than just happiness, what emotions am I feeling? Also, how would I communicate with her? Plus, I did research and there's barely any information on an INTJ dating an INFJ. IK its hard to get an INFJ to open up, is there any method for this? 

It'd help me out tremendously, if anyone could give me some pointers.

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I have been married to an INFJ for 40 years.  

INFJ's love to plan things, but tend to have trouble with "follow-through" because they can overthink details.  Don't be afraid to let her plan activities, but be sure she understands that she is not under any sort of performance pressure.  Help her be successful, and build her up with affirmation..

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2 hours ago, Vega Vex said:

IK its hard to get an INFJ to open up, is there any method for this? 

It'd help me out tremendously, if anyone could give me some pointers.

Sincerity. We spend most of the early stages of dating, assessing, studying, piecing a full image of you together. If the slightest word doesn't fit in a sentence from three months ago we will notice. You have to be honest. The other emotion you might be feeling is creepiness from being under her microscope! ;)

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I doubt it's creepiness, as i am fully aware that she is examining me, trying to see what to make of me. And I'm ok with that, I sort-of do the same thing. Thanks for the [other] advice though!

I also rarely get a chance to see her, and we are both bad at small talk (no surprise there), so whenever I just want to talk to her, after I talk about the first few things I wanted her opinion on, and the such, we both just end up drawing "blanks", if that makes any sense. (This is probably because I never take initiative in social situations.) I know I could communicate better. How should I talk to an INFJ? What should I say? Because I want to get to know her better, and I have a hard time coming up with things to talk about. 

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I can speak from my own experiences in dating an INFJ...

as an INTJ, our secondary function is Te (Extroverted Thinking), which allows us to verbalize thoughts at length.  Particularly with someone I know is following along, and interested.  Conversely, INFJs internalize their thoughts, particularly as it relates to their feelings.  So an INFJ naturally tends to reserve a part of their thoughts to themselves.  It's just how they are wired - it's chaotic to put things out on the table that they are analyzing; which is typically grounded in how they feel (a good reference would be... imagine you were struggling with understanding a concept in logic and then someone wanted you to express your views on it; feelings to an INFJ are like logic to an INTJ - their view of the world).  INFJs prefer to focus on the feelings of others and not so much expressing what they are feeling, because they spin on that inside their own minds, all the time. The INFJ you're interested in, gets a lot more context in what you talk about than you realize.  They are masters at sizing people up, and they genuinely enjoy the complexities of how minds and emotions work.  INTJs are not all that aware of what we are feeling... in that you're a bit of a mystery to the INFJ, and she enjoys that, and you expressing your views on things.  The sincerity, yet aloof nature we possess.

The overlap comes in Introverted Intuition, which both types lead with.  A great topic... is analysis of how people operate and why.  Human dynamics and behavior (what drives and motivates people) seems to always intrigue both of us.  We could talk about it for hours and hours. Talk about what you're passionate about... an INFJ isn't really a type that wants you to probe about her.  Ask her how her day was or let her know you're thinking about her, but she really connects through you expressing yourself - and she'll actually read those things in your choice of words and the times you reach out to her.  The best thing you can do is just be yourself, as cliche as that sounds.  Trying to be something else, would be a turn off... most likely.

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When you run out of things to talk about, suggest an activity, even if it's just taking a walk or watching TV.  It'll give you something to do together and then the talking can take a back seat.  Silence together can be as bonding as talking.

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INFJs need trust, comfort and consistency from the people they let into their very tight circle.  Her caution and walls around her fortress of emotion are very high.  Plain and simple, she is deciding if you're worth opening up to.  You are kept at arm's length until you are not.  

Just like an INTJ is trending data testing results with our experiences/experiments and those results determine our decision making process, INFJs are trending what feeling an experience/experiment gives them and for some INFJs they need to trend many positive "feelings" about someone before you get anywhere.  The good news is, once you're in, you're in.  They will make a decision on the relationship and then work at it.

 

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As an INFJ currently dating an INTJ, I'd say the main thing would be for you to just tell her about yourself more, tell her about your day how ti went, the high lights as well as the low lights. I appreciate it may be tough opening up a bit more but if you think she is worth it then you gotta take the chance and just talk. As an INFJ, we love listening more and just observing. If or when we need to say anything we will. But in all honesty just be yourself and talk! I know INTJ's can talk for ages about anything and everything, so go for it. It also helps to be patient with her opening up to you, she may have  insecurities about the relationship and doesn't want to get hurt again. So prove to her that you won't hurt her and show her your caring and loving side. 

As the others mentioned, once you have gained her trust, then she'll do everything she can to make the relationship work and will be extremely loyal. And once you start opening up more so will she. 

INTJ's and INFJ's are quite compatible as they kinda think the same and if you share similar interests you'll get on really well.

Edited by Thegirlnextdoor
Just wanted to add more to my post.

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My situation may be different in relation to yours, but I will put a little out there and maybe it will help. I'm INFJ and the guy I'm seeing is INTJ. We'd be acquainted my whole life, so we were at least familiar with each other, but he started to try and make a closer connection by commenting on my ringtone one night. We talked about music for a couple of hours. We also connected through a shared interest in movies and literature. You have to find some areas of similar interest where you can have a back and forth exchange. I am very, very slow to trust. I keep most of my feelings hidden behind a wall, mostly as protection. It has taken quite a while for both of us to be fully comfortable with one another to show more of our true selves.  It just takes time, authenticity, and a willingness to put yourself out there for her to become familiar and comfortable....it's sort of like taming a wild animal. 

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I have never dated an INFJ and probably never will. My friend though is an INFJ. There were plenty of silences on our first few dinners. His feelings govern when he will talk. If he is feeling "cold" and not warmed up yet he probably won't say anything. Once we went skating. On the drive over there he held his cards very close to his chest and gave one word answers. After skating and having a fun time falling on the ice and breaking a few rules of the ice rink when the owner wasn't looking - we went for a snack and suddenly he was full of talking. Whereas as an INTJ I am ok to talk whether warmed up or not, before the ice skating or after the ice skating - my mood doesn't really impact how talkative I am feeling.

I think INFJs need to realise that sometimes they can hurt an INTJ. INTJs are quite caring people, so if we can see that you are hurting about something but you refuse to tell us what it is because you don't trust us with the information, that can take us back as we would probably give you an answer if the situations were reversed.

My favourite part of my friendship is that he is an intovert and likes insider quirky humour and he will make funny jokes that make me laugh.

The final comment I have is that the combination of his F with his J can make him produce quite strong conclusions about his convictions or beliefs. This can take an INTJ back as well, as while we have firm beliefs somewhere in us we know there is an argument to be made for the other side of the coin.

I don't know if any of that helped but there you go.

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The couple INFJs I dated loved authenticity, realness, and cookies. I was able to provide all of those during our dating experiences.

 
 
...... added to this post 0 minutes later:
 

...and delivered some cookies to one of them (friends now) today.

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On 12/5/2016 at 11:26 AM, Vega Vex said:

Hey, so I finally found a girl I'm really into... she's the only one that has made me happy in a long time. I'm looking to date her, she's an INFJ. I'm also feeling other emotions other than just happiness, what emotions am I feeling?

Those are special emotions, created by each individual INFJ and transferred to the object of their affections, along a special INFJ wavelength thingy...and yeah, she's definitely into you, and you're very definitely and indubitably into her. :laugh:

 

On 12/5/2016 at 11:26 AM, Vega Vex said:

 

Also, how would I communicate with her? Plus, I did research and there's barely any information on an INTJ dating an INFJ. IK its hard to get an INFJ to open up, is there any method for this? 

It'd help me out tremendously, if anyone could give me some pointers.

How do you communicate with her? :thinking:

You probably already do communicate quite well with her, or you wouldn't be in a relationship with her, but tell her how she makes you feel when you're with her. Be honest about that. Don't be shy with her...there's no need.

 

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On 12/10/2016 at 1:09 AM, Hurricane said:

 

I think INFJs need to realise that sometimes they can hurt an INTJ. INTJs are quite caring people, so if we can see that you are hurting about something but you refuse to tell us what it is because you don't trust us with the information, that can take us back as we would probably give you an answer if the situations were reversed.

 

Oh yes.... :( preaching to the choir.....

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I've been married to an INFJ for 18 years.  Put simply, be honest and give it time.

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16 hours ago, Capricious said:

I've been married to an INFJ for 18 years.  Put simply, be honest and give it time.

Capricious, if you do not mind me asking, I am curious....do INFJ's have a different sense of time? Does your INFJ seem to think that there is plenty of time? I have been in two situations now where the INFJ pulls back emotionally...the shutdown....they have to process so much and turn off the world. It is like time isn't even a thing to them...when they are very stressed or a big life event happens. My INFJ dos not fear death either. I feel that most INTJ's would think about time in a logical straight forward manner....there is only so much and without proper proof of what happens next....I would think most INTJ'S generally believe it just comes to an end.

 

Just curious, I could be wrong of course.

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4 hours ago, zenprincess said:

Capricious, if you do not mind me asking, I am curious....do INFJ's have a different sense of time? Does your INFJ seem to think that there is plenty of time? I have been in two situations now where the INFJ pulls back emotionally...the shutdown....they have to process so much and turn off the world. It is like time isn't even a thing to them...when they are very stressed or a big life event happens. My INFJ dos not fear death either. I feel that most INTJ's would think about time in a logical straight forward manner....there is only so much and without proper proof of what happens next....I would think most INTJ'S generally believe it just comes to an end.

 

Just curious, I could be wrong of course.

No, I can't say I ever thought of her like that.  It may matter that she is an enneagram 1w2 and I am a 9w1.  I'd also say I am more heavy on the Ni-Fi than a typical INTJ.  If anything, I am more apt to pull back and turn off the world than she is.  We have taken care of each other pretty well though so there really hasn't been any situations where she'd have to retreat.  It's one of those relationships that just works .

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On 2016-12-10 at 2:09 AM, Hurricane said:

I think INFJs need to realise that sometimes they can hurt an INTJ. INTJs are quite caring people, so if we can see that you are hurting about something but you refuse to tell us what it is because you don't trust us with the information, that can take us back as we would probably give you an answer if the situations were reversed.

I received a pretty harsh door-slam from an INFJ once. I'm not sure whether he felt no remorse because he saw me as some sort of cold-hearted monster unworthy of sympathy or if he was in fact some sort of insecure, predatory bully. At every attempt I made to get back in touch and figure out why he had suddenly cut me out of his life, he would evade my questions and attack my character in the harshest possible terms.

There's a potentially dangerous trap to fall into here - both the INTJ and INFJ require understanding in a relationship, but the nature of this understanding is different. While the INTJ seeks to know their partner's thoughts and reasoning, the INFJ seeks to know their partner's feelings. If either one of these needs is not met, it can result in a lot of pain for the party in question.

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I was just talking to an INFJ for a few hours (which is a lot) last week and eventually I got fed up with it. My experience with INFJs is that although I initially respect them for having strong values and behaving in accordance to them, I eventually find that these are very random and bizarre, and they have no internal coherence between the beliefs they hold. When you have an argument with an INFJ you are arguing against a religious lunatic who picked their faith arbitrarily. There is no solving arguments or slowly coming to see things from the same angle or integrating knowledge and points of view. 

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