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How to talk to a friend who has gained a lot of weight?

156 posts in this topic
On ‎2017‎-‎02‎-‎17 at 3:39 PM, Amore said:

No, that hasn't been my experience, and I will tell you I've had plenty of experience, so it's not just an isolated incident.

They phrase it in Spanish so that it is kind but still it's calling them "little fatty" or "little skinny."  I saw it over and over and no offense was taken.

Maybe this is a generalization - and in some latino cultures there are exceptions, but in a big group (of hundreds) from about 18 different Spanish-speaking countries, that was my observation.

"Little" is used to lessen the harm of something that is known to be harmful. So calling someone "fatty" is harmful and calling someone "little fatty" is a way of expressing love with a word that without the "little" would be offensive. In fact not using the "little" can be understood as someone being severe or expressing anger or resentment, so the "little" (-ito, -ita) is even needed to express care when expressing an idea (many women would expect a respectful and loving man to use the diminutive when addressing them in any sense).

Yes. Somehow people think "latino" can be generalized. We can't. For example, Mexicans have more in common with USA people than with Argentinians, and Ecuatorians have little in common with Nicaraguans. This comes more from the way USA people think of anything south their border (they speak spanish, so they should be more or less the same) and mostly "latino" should only be used to describe immigrants in the USA, else is at best risky.  This can be discussed in another thread.

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8 hours ago, Jalex said:

Little" is used to lessen the harm of something that is known to be harmful. So calling someone "fatty" is harmful and calling someone "little fatty" is a way of expressing love with a word that without the "little" would be offensive.

I've been called idiot or silly with "little" before it and it still felt offensive. It's like wrapping a foul word up and pretending it's endearing. I guess the intention is good, but it's still sorta disrespectful. 

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12 hours ago, Jalex said:

"Little" is used to lessen the harm of something that is known to be harmful. So calling someone "fatty" is harmful and calling someone "little fatty" is a way of expressing love with a word that without the "little" would be offensive. In fact not using the "little" can be understood as someone being severe or expressing anger or resentment, so the "little" (-ito, -ita) is even needed to express care when expressing an idea (many women would expect a respectful and loving man to use the diminutive when addressing them in any sense).

Yes. Somehow people think "latino" can be generalized. We can't. For example, Mexicans have more in common with USA people than with Argentinians, and Ecuatorians have little in common with Nicaraguans. This comes more from the way USA people think of anything south their border (they speak spanish, so they should be more or less the same) and mostly "latino" should only be used to describe immigrants in the USA, else is at best risky.  This can be discussed in another thread.

Yeah, that's what I meant.  I've didn't want to actually post Spanish since I got busted for it before.

Anyway, my point, and sticking to the topic here, is that if someone is obviously on the heavy or light side - why ignore the elephant in the room?  Again, I'm speaking in generalizations of my observations of latinos - I admire how they lovingly acknowledge TRUTH.  In a way, I think it makes it less shameful than walking on egg-shells trying to ignore what's in front of you for fear of offending someone.

Yes, sometimes the truth hurts.  But after the truth pisses you off, ultimately, I think the truth can set you free - because the only way you can improve is by recognizing what needs improving.  Businesses actually pay for customer feed back - good or bad - so they can improve.  I wish more of my society would be more open and loving about truth.

 
 
...... added to this post 3 minutes later:
 
4 hours ago, MissJ said:

I've been called idiot or silly with "little" before it and it still felt offensive. It's like wrapping a foul word up and pretending it's endearing. I guess the intention is good, but it's still sorta disrespectful. 

Yes, I know what you mean.  And in other contexts, it could be intentionally rude.  But in the Latino culture, (from my observations ;) ) it's their way of being loving about it.  If they didn't add the "Little" ("ito/ita) then it could be considered rude.  It's a cultural difference which I admire.

Edited by Amore

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On 2/15/2017 at 6:06 PM, MissJ said:

Losing weight and becoming happier?

What people feel happier about is being healthier. The key, though, is that when you get healthier being more attractive or losing weight are just side affects. Being healthy, though, comes with way more affects. You have more energy, you sleep better, you think clearer, you can just plain do more things, etc. And while breaking bad habits is hard and the first few months of developing a healthy regime are hard - once you get use to being healthy (talking normal ranges here, not body builder), it's very easy to maintain and continue.

As for the OP, though, for someone to gain over 100 lbs in 2 years tells me that there is something else going on that you are not privy to. Could be a medical condition, side affect of a medication, or something else. Clearly she knows how much she weighs. My guess is that whatever it is, she's not talking to you about it given your obsession with weight and beauty.

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23 hours ago, Storm said:

What people feel happier about is being healthier. The key, though, is that when you get healthier being more attractive or losing weight are just side affects. Being healthy, though, comes with way more affects. You have more energy, you sleep better, you think clearer, you can just plain do more things, etc. And while breaking bad habits is hard and the first few months of developing a healthy regime are hard - once you get use to being healthy (talking normal ranges here, not body builder), it's very easy to maintain and continue.

As for the OP, though, for someone to gain over 100 lbs in 2 years tells me that there is something else going on that you are not privy to. Could be a medical condition, side affect of a medication, or something else. Clearly she knows how much she weighs. My guess is that whatever it is, she's not talking to you about it given your obsession with weight and beauty.

I agree that becoming healthier makes people happier, but only weight loss in a healthy manner can give these benefits then. I also agree with the last part, that OP's relationship with weight would not be stimulating for the friend to confide in. 

On 16-2-2017 at 1:29 AM, Porcelain said:

This is actually very true.

Thanks for quoting me :) That wad nice to see. I think OP would not be the right person to ask questions about self esteem to the friend, because as you said, she is mixing worthiness with appearance/fat and will do more harm than good with this mindset, even if the intention is good. 

But actually, OP already made the decision to not mingle into the friend's affair anymore. This thread is a year old already. But it's still an interesting topic. 

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