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AOA

How to talk to a friend who has gained a lot of weight?

156 posts in this topic

Also, (to finish an earlier thought) this guy, although he may be wonderful and all that, has only been around for less than 1 year, and in the time they've been dating she's gained the 100lbs.

How does he feel when he got into a relationship with one person and ends up with someone else? Maybe he doesn't care, and that's really awesome of him and way better than most guys in their twenties, but in the time they've been dating he hasn't gained much weight (if any), and if he's resentful of her for changing so quickly into the relationship and breaks up with her. What then?! I don't even know what dark episode will happen then to her if she's left all alone in her current state.

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Maybe you can try to switch perspectives with her.

You hate it when your tiger mom comes at you with "friendly advice," do you really think she doesn't know about how much she weighs if she used to be very conscious about her weight/health? Of all people, you should know what it's like when your whole extended Asian family comes at you with well meaning stabs in the face about your personal life, let alone your friends coming at you too would just be hellish and unkind.

If you are really wanting her to be healthy and look good for herself and your group, why not make working out and eating more healthy foods part of the group activities or something you can do with her?

Spend some quality time with her and help her to stay active instead.

If you absolutely have to say something for your own peace of mind, "Hey, is everything ok? Has anything been bothering you?" is easy to remember, and shows you are genuinely interested in her. The rest of it is showing it by your actions by being there for her.

Edited by toki

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She should be far more concerned that her "friends" are talking shit behind her back and are taking pot-shots at her.

Talking shit is not really the same as noticing your friend has gained 100lb in the course of a year.

If my friend lost 100lb in a year (and she's not dead or super underweight), everyone would be going, "Wow how did that happen? What are your tips." It's only because in North America, we don't emphasize weight gain, only weight loss, that talking to the person directly is discouraged.

Edited by AOA

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I've watched a loved one balloon up as well before, AOA and it is worrying for health reasons. However if she's comfortable where she's at there isn't much you can do to influence her to change. She'll have to want to change for her own reasons.

If i were you I would invite her out to dinner and (non-chalantly) observe her relationship with food. If she seems happy, I wouldn't bring up her ED or weight. If she eats a lot and then rushes to the bathroom to purge or something, I'd find time to talk with her.

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AOA, the heart of the issue is that this girl has NOT asked you for your opinion or your advice, nor has she shared any feelings at all with you about her weight gain. And you are NOT her best friend. You are simply a childhood friend who is still in her life. You are only projecting your own feelings on to her. It's not fair to her. If she wants to talk to you about it, let her approach you, not the other way around.

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So if AOA's friend was anorexic, or was doing hard drugs, or abusing alcohol, would your advice remain the same?

Are you suggesting that the friend would be less aware of shooting heroin than gaining weight? She knows what's going on with her body, she's making her choices, it is flat out not anyone else's decision.

---------- Post added 01-11-2016 at 08:43 PM ----------

Also, (to finish an earlier thought) this guy, although he may be wonderful and all that, has only been around for less than 1 year, and in the time they've been dating she's gained the 100lbs.

How does he feel when he got into a relationship with one person and ends up with someone else? Maybe he doesn't care, and that's really awesome of him and way better than most guys in their twenties, but in the time they've been dating he hasn't gained much weight (if any), and if he's resentful of her for changing so quickly into the relationship and breaks up with her. What then?! I don't even know what dark episode will happen then to her if she's left all alone in her current state.

YOU ARE NOT IN THIS RELATIONSHIP!

Butt the frick out.

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Maybe you can try to switch perspectives with her.

You hate it when your tiger mom comes at you with "friendly advice," do you really think she doesn't know about how much she weighs if she used to be very conscious about her weight/health? Of all people, you should know what it's like when your whole extended Asian family comes at you with well meaning stabs in the face about your personal life, let alone your friends coming at you too would just be hellish and unkind.

This is too true. There really isn't any friendly way to say, "You should lose weight." It's either don't say anything or just say it outright. Many Asian families will say it outright, which is why it seems so harsh.

If i were you I would invite her out to dinner and (non-chalantly) observe her relationship with food. If she seems happy, I wouldn't bring up her ED or weight. If she eats a lot and then rushes to the bathroom to purge or something, I'd find time to talk with her.

She eats a lot. I think she just overeats and exercises very little. She acts like everything is ok but her whole persona has changed. :(

AOA, the heart of the issue is that this girl has NOT asked you for your opinion or your advice, nor has she shared any feelings at all with you about her weight gain. And you are NOT her best friend. You are simply a childhood friend who is still in her life. You are only projecting your own feelings on to her. It's not fair to her. If she wants to talk to you about it, let her approach you, not the other way around.

In our friend group:

INFP is way too nice to say anything

ESFP is way too conflict-avoidant to say anything, even though she's totally bothered by it and will start hanging out with ISFJ less

ISTP notices but doesn't care

ESTJ (who is her bff) doesn't approve but doesn't think she can do anything about it and wants me to say it (so she doesn't get yelled at)

ENFJ freaks the fuck out because omg 100lb is a whole other person what is going on

Ugh why do I make these things my responsibility.

YOU ARE NOT IN THIS RELATIONSHIP!

Butt the frick out.

I know, this is my fatal character flaw and why I cannot have a ton of friends. I literally get way too involved in everything. :bomb:

Edited by AOA

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Ugh why do I make these things my responsibility.

I know, this is my fatal character flaw and why I cannot have a ton of friends. I literally get way too involved in everything. :bomb:

You'll get busier once they all have children.

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Ugh why do I make these things my responsibility.

I know, this is my fatal character flaw and why I cannot have a ton of friends. I literally get way too involved in everything. :bomb:

Well, you're going to have even fewer friends if you keep making other people's issues your "responsibility" and getting "way too involved" (i.e. offering unsolicited advice and opinions).

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OMFG! What a ClusterFUCK! :facepalm:

All the Fe vs Fi on this thread is fucking disgusting!

AOA's Fe (I am in no way excusing her execution of trying to "help" her friend) wants to help her the best way it knows how and that is by bringing it up.

All the Fi users on this forum are going crazy with the "Respect my choices!" and "Don't say anything!"

Well here is the thing: To a Fe person (except Holli) saying nothing is Enabling and NOT being a friend.

AOA, you were supposed to speak to your friend one on one and do it gently and delicately.

I don't have any advice as to how to clean up the mess you just made except, STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Edited by Antares
disruptive word removed

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Well here is the thing: To a Fe person (except Holli) saying nothing is Enabling and NOT being a friend.

Explain how minding your own fucking business is enabling somebody's choices or feelings? If a "friend" of mine told me I was too fat and embarrassing to be seen in a swimsuit with, in Vegas (Let's not mince words here. This is really what it's about), I'd knock their self righteous teeth out.

Edited by Heavy Fuel

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She acts like everything is ok but her whole persona has changed. :(

This line would be a perfect way to start a conversation about it with her.

---------- Post added 01-11-2016 at 08:42 PM ----------

If a "friend" of mine told me I was too fat and embarrassing to be seen in a swimsuit with, in Vegas (Let's not mince words here. This is really what it's about), I'd knock their self righteous teeth out.

That clearly isn't what AOA said.

Edited by MissKat

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Explain how minding your own fucking business is enabling somebody's choices or feelings? If a "friend" of mine told me I was too fat and embarrassing to be seen in a swimsuit with, in Vegas (Let's not mince words here. This is really what it's about), I'd knock their self righteous teeth out.

Because not everyone conceptualizes friendship like you.

Do you have some sort of vendetta against AOA? Why don't you just chillax? Her execution was poor, but that doesn't make her a vindictive bitch!

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Explain how minding your own fucking business is enabling somebody's choices or feelings? If a "friend" of mine told me I was too fat and embarrassing to be seen in a swimsuit with, in Vegas (Let's not mince words here. This is really what it's about), I'd knock their self righteous teeth out.

Physical violence solves nothing, especially not in America.

Anyways, I don't care if my friends are fat. I have fat friends and I don't like them any less for being fat. Nor am I embarrassed by them because of their weight - their weight is not caused by me nor does it reflect upon my own.

I would be very upset if we did end up going to Vegas and my friend sat out of the pool parties to stay in the hotel room. I would also feel bad if she didn't come altogether due to anxiety over the pool parties.

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False. Meds don't cause your body to break the laws of physics.

Mood stabilizing medicine does exactly this as one of its side effects.

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physical violence solves nothing, especially not in america.

Anyways, i don't care if my friends are fat. I have fat friends and i don't like them any less for being fat. Nor am i embarrassed by them because of their weight - their weight is not caused by me nor does it reflect upon my own.

I would be very upset if we did end up going to vegas and my friend sat out of the pool parties to stay in the hotel room. I would also feel bad if she didn't come altogether due to anxiety over the pool parties.

you are creating anxiety over pool parties!

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Anyways, I don't care if my friends are fat.

This thread proves that you do.

Everyone has things in their life that they wish they could change. The last thing most of us want is for someone to come up to us, point out those things, and tell us how to improve them.

Would you walk up to a balding friend with a brochure for Rogaine?

Would you email skin care information to a friend who has acne?

Would you show pictures of houses to homeless people on the street?

Leave people's flaws alone. It's mean to bring them up, even if you're only trying to help.

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Any progress to report? Has Lard Ass lost the 100 lbs? Have you pushed her to swallow a fistful of Valium Yet? Has she told all of her "friends" to go pound sand up their collective ass?

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Hello forum, I haven't posted in a while but I remembered this thread from a long time ago.

The "fat" friend has gained even more weight. She is now at a point where she will not fit into a plane seat/bus seat anymore. 

She is also coming to Vegas with the same group of girls this year.

Thanks to all of you, I am not going to make any sort of comment on her weight or health while she's there.

Does it bother me that she's fat? Yes. It honestly does. I don't understand how a person can just completely stop caring. She spends her days eating and taking photographs of the unhealthy/oversized portions she has to eat.

But I also understand that it's not my business. Her body is her body and her choices are her choices. So I'll just mind my own business and have a good time, and hopefully she will have a good time too.

 

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Your friend who has gained a lot of weight already knows. Your friend knows you know. If you really want to help, don't say a word. Instead, invite your friend to do healthy activities with you that you believe they will enjoy. Anything else will just alienate or shame your friend.

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It's good to see you AOA. Hope you start posting more often <3

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Id prefer the soft apporach. "You look great, but if you were covered in less lipids you would be considerably more attractive." And if its in US, or some such country say something to the effect of "Please dont cut, or commit suicide just cheer up and go to a gym and eat less."

In my humble opinion people have the right to be fat though if they want to be. You wont come up to a sumo wrestler or a cardiologist and tell him to lose weight. They need it for their job.

Edited by Cacao

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On 06/02/2017 at 11:04 PM, AOA said:

Hello forum, I haven't posted in a while but I remembered this thread from a long time ago.

The "fat" friend has gained even more weight. She is now at a point where she will not fit into a plane seat/bus seat anymore. 

Does it bother me that she's fat? Yes. It honestly does. I don't understand how a person can just completely stop caring. She spends her days eating and taking photographs of the unhealthy/oversized portions she has to eat.

This reminds me of the film Avanti! when Hayley Mills has a lovely romantic dinner with Jack Lemmon. The next day, she is in a really cheery moods, and goes cycling all around town, saying hello to everyone. She gets back and says that she ate loads of food, BUT LOST 3 POUNDS! She says "My therapist says that I'm unhappy because I'm fat. I'm not unhappy because I'm fat. I'm fat because I'm unhappy."

Words to ponder.

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