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AOA

How to talk to a friend who has gained a lot of weight?

156 posts in this topic
This is what I was trying to get at. You've got 6 months before the big trip and you've basically set the expectation that someone you've labelled as 100 or so pounds overweight needs to be bikini-ready in that timeframe. This is not a healthy or realistic goal and the pressure of it could very well trigger an ED response.

That's what she wants. That's how jealous people work.

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This is what I was trying to get at. You've got 6 months before the big trip and you've basically set the expectation that someone you've labelled as 100 or so pounds overweight needs to be bikini-ready in that timeframe. This is not a healthy or realistic goal and the pressure of it could very well trigger an ED response.

Ok, in my head I'm trying to help her by being considerate of her feelings. As in - I don't want her to feel bad at the pool parties. But ... if being considerate of her future feelings (June) hurts her present feelings (now) there's really no benefit to her. So if there's going to be hurt feelings I shouldn't be the one to cause them.

But there's still lots of time. I wasn't trying to be a jerk talking about bikinis, it was more of a , "Hey friendly reminder we're going to pool parties soon so do what you need to do to make it a good time for yourself."

Edited by AOA

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"Hey friendly reminder we're going to pool parties soon so do what you need to do to make it a good time for yourself."

That's the nastiest, meanest thing I've ever seen anyone on INTJf write. Shame on you.

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That's the nastiest, meanest thing I've ever seen anyone on INTJf write. Shame on you.

Oh, wait!

This is a bachelorette party trip, and Lard-Ass is the BRIDE.

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Oh, wait!

This is a bachelorette party trip, and Lard-Ass is the BRIDE.

What? No.

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She has not told you that she is unhappy with her appearance. YOU are projecting all of YOUR feelings of shame, insecurity, unhappiness, fear, etc. on her based on YOUR experience with being overweight. If I was her and I found out that you were talking about my weight behind my back, and asking strangers on the internet what you should do about me, you would be out of my bridal party and off my friend list so fast it would make your head spin.

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She has not told you that she is unhappy with her appearance. YOU are projecting all of YOUR feelings of shame, insecurity, unhappiness, fear, etc. on her based on YOUR experience with being overweight. If I was her and I found out that you were talking about my weight behind my back, and asking strangers on the internet what you should do about me, you would be out of my bridal party and off my friend list so fast it would make your head spin.

It's only a matter of time. Just wait for it.

The rule of three is a bitch.

Edited by gypsy stardust

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... to bail from the trip either when she realizes in May that she is super insecure and actually doesn't want to go to pool parties or to stay in the hotel room because she doesn't feel comfortable in a bikini. (As it's a bachelorette party the focus should be on the bride, right?)

Why not just own your real motives? It's not about her health and it's not about your tender empathy strings being plucked by the horrible ordeal she must be living. :vapours:

It's about not ruining your good time and embarrassing you by not meeting your appearance standards.

I hope she cancels and finds some new friends.

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Shut your mouth and shut it hard. Jesus.

Unless EXPRESSLY asked for your opinion, her weight isn't any of your nosy, shallow, pissy goddamned business. But isn't she lucky to have SUCH great pal that you're soooo concerned.... Ugh. Just, ugh.

If I felt like getting into trouble on INTJf, I might say I hope she drowns you at the pool party, but I'm too classy to say it

Edited by Sunsetcoquette

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Yeah AOA is supposed to just sit back and watch as her friend eats her way into joint problems, beetus, and the eventual amputations.

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Yeah AOA is supposed to just sit back and watch as her friend eats her way into joint problems, beetus, and the eventual amputations.

AOA has no fucking control or choice in what her friend does or doesn't do with her eating habits, body, or anything the fuck else. Neither do you.

Can ignorance be amputated? Though the fatty isn't the one in need of it....

Edited by Sunsetcoquette

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Whoa whoa whoa let's slow the "I hate AOA" bandwagon cause that train gets going fast.

I'm not trying to take pity on some poor girl who doesn't meet my 'appearance standards'. She was there for me during hard times and she has been a good friend, and it doesn't matter how much weight she gains or what she looks like, that doesn't change the foundation of our friendship.

It's just I know her and I know what type of girl she is, she cares about this deep down and I know she dislikes herself right now. She hasn't posted photos in months on social media and barely participates when we talk. She's entering hermit mode.

I guess in that sense there's,

a) Change the thing that's making her dislike herself.

and

b) Encourage her to like herself the way she is. (This is what most of you would suggest and are suggesting)

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a) Change the thing that's making her dislike herself.

and

b) Encourage her to like herself the way she is. (This is what most of you would suggest and are suggesting)

I'm really not an Arcanist fan (I lost weight before, why hasn't everyone else right nownownow because I say it's done this way?). But not a general hater on you, AOA.

That being said, YOU cannot change a single thing for her. So just be supportive and be nice. She knows she gained weight. It doesn't escape woman's notice

Edited by Sunsetcoquette

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Shut your mouth and shut it hard. Jesus.

Unless EXPRESSLY asked for your opinion, her weight isn't any of your nosy, shallow, pissy goddamned business. But isn't she lucky to have SUCH great pal that you're soooo concerned.... Ugh. Just, ugh.

If I felt like getting into trouble on INTJf, I might say I hope she drowns you at the pool party, but I'm too classy to say it

You are suggesting that talking to a good friend about her weight should cause said friend to attempt murder? C'mon. Really? Maybe you have your own weight issues that you deal with, I don't know, but these are not on the same level - at all.

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AOA has no fucking control or choice in what her friend does or doesn't do with her eating habits, body, or anything the fuck else. Neither do you.

Can ignorance be amputated? Though the fatty isn't the one in need of it....

So if AOA's friend was anorexic, or was doing hard drugs, or abusing alcohol, would your advice remain the same?

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That's what she wants. That's how jealous people work.

I don't understand your reasoning at all. Help me out with your logic.

If I were jealous, wouldn't I want my former model friend (who was drop dead gorgeous) to stay fat with low self-esteem? In essence, wouldn't I want her to not become skinny so I, the jealous friend, can hog the spotlight? Yes! Stay fat! Now I can have all the attention.

But instead, I want her to go back to how she was, in all of her beautiful model-esque, confident, outgoing glory. Yes, nosy, bossy, it may be. But how is it jealous?

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AOA,

I get that you care for your friend, ie based on your replies in here. But, why started this thread at the first place, since it's obvious that you're so set in your decision to go ahead with what you've already planned in mind, with/out others' posts in here to the contrary.

What do you actually seek with this thread?

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That's the nastiest, meanest thing I've ever seen anyone on INTJf write. Shame on you.

You must be new here.

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I don't understand your reasoning at all. Help me out with your logic.

If I were jealous, wouldn't I want my former model friend (who was drop dead gorgeous) to stay fat with low self-esteem? In essence, wouldn't I want her to not become skinny so I, the jealous friend, can hog the spotlight? Yes! Stay fat! Now I can have all the attention.

But instead, I want her to go back to how she was, in all of her beautiful model-esque, confident, outgoing glory. Yes, nosy, bossy, it may be. But how is it jealous?

Why else would you want to torpedo her self-esteem so completely?

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AOA,

I get that you care for your friend, ie based on your replies in here. But, why started this thread at the first place, since it's obvious that you're so set in your decision to go ahead with what you've already planned in mind, with/out others' posts in here to the contrary.

What do you actually seek with this thread?

Honestly, you will note that a lot of my interactions with local friends do not require advice. Simply because I can go out, pour a few drinks in them, talk honestly, and hammer out the problems.

The issues I've brought to the forum have almost always concerned good friends who live far away, (in a different city) when I am not able to have the face-to-face with them, I'm always at a loss on how to still play an influential (hopefully positive) role in their lives. Distance isn't what makes friends drift away, not being an active part of their lives is.

I guess I'd rather be too involved, than not involved enough. So yes, going into this thread I wasn't going to just 'leave it alone', I was going to do something regardless of what you guys said, but I wasn't quite sure what 'something' is. That's why I wanted to hear your opinions, and explore other ways to go about approaching these issues.

Edited by AOA

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Why else would you want to torpedo her self-esteem so completely?

The intent is not to torpedo her self-esteem. This is a good friend, not a frenemy - mean girls style. I sense her struggling, and I wish to help. The intent is good, and I want the approach to be good as well.

Let's be real for a minute.

You've been involved in the modeling industry for most of your adult life and your world sort of revolves around both your looks and weight. When you are thin, you're good, when you're fat, you're bad. You start having eating problems due to the pressure. You never learn how to have a healthy relationship with food. Your romantic history is sort of rocky as well. Finally you meet a decent guy with a good head on his shoulders, (note he met you at a normal weight) and he loves you for more than just your looks. You start embracing a domestic lifestyle, and start cooking, and eating out, and stop caring so much about the scale.

Except now you've gone overboard. Because you've never fully learnt how to deal with food like a normal person. You overeat and you overcompensate for all those years of self-deprivation. Overcompensating is not really balancing the scales. It's excessive.

You startle your long-time friends because you, the girl who was so focused on weight/looks, has ballooned into an obese person. You seem completely non-chalant to this issue except you're more closed off, less amiable than before, you don't talk to them as much, you're not the little spark of joy you used to be. Is this the weight? Is it something else entirely? You don't seem happy or self-confident like you used to be (even if the self-confidence was derived from your rocky relationship with food) ... yet your friends who whisper to each other about wtf happened don't want to talk to you about it because they don't want to 'hurt your feelings'.

And then one of your friends, who had gone through the exact same thing before, sees this and wants to help in some way. Because she can tell the signs that you're unhappy, she has a hunch it has to do with your weight, she knows how much you used to love selfie-ing and how your profile pictures are still from 60lb ago. She sees how you hide behind other people in photos and untag all photos of yourself from facebook. She's been there and it sucks when you go through it alone.

And she's maybe not sure how to help you when you live halfway across the country, and especially when you are as closed off as you are now, but she definitely wants to help. Not because she's jealous of you or thinks you'll ruin some 'aesthetic standard' for a vegas trip, but because she knows EXACTLY how you feel.

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should she have high self esteem if she's 100lbs overweight?

Do you honestly think LOW self-esteem will help the situation?

---------- Post added 01-11-2016 at 08:25 PM ----------

The intent is not to torpedo her self-esteem. This is a good friend, not a frenemy - mean girls style. I sense her struggling, and I wish to help. The intent is good, and I want the approach to be good as well.

Let's be real for a minute.

You've been involved in the modeling industry for most of your adult life and your world sort of revolves around both your looks and weight. When you are thin, you're good, when you're fat, you're bad. You start having eating problems due to the pressure. You never learn how to have a healthy relationship with food. Your romantic history is sort of rocky as well. Finally you meet a decent guy with a good head on his shoulders, (note he met you at a normal weight) and he loves you for more than just your looks. You start embracing a domestic lifestyle, and start cooking, and eating out, and stop caring so much about the scale.

Except now you've gone overboard. Because you've never fully learnt how to deal with food like a normal person. You overeat and you overcompensate for all those years of self-deprivation. Overcompensating is not really balancing the scales. It's excessive.

You startle your long-time friends because you, the girl who was so focused on weight/looks, has ballooned into an obese person. You seem completely non-chalant to this issue except you're more closed off, less amiable than before, you don't talk to them as much, you're not the little spark of joy you used to be. Is this the weight? Is it something else entirely? You don't seem happy or self-confident like you used to be (even if the self-confidence was derived from your rocky relationship with food) ... yet your friends who whisper to each other about wtf happened don't want to talk to you about it because they don't want to 'hurt your feelings'.

And then one of your friends, who had gone through the exact same thing before, sees this and wants to help in some way. Because she can tell the signs that you're unhappy, she has a hunch it has to do with your weight, she knows how much you used to love selfie-ing and how your profile pictures are still from 60lb ago. She sees how you hide behind other people in photos and untag all photos of yourself from facebook. She's been there and it sucks when you go through it alone.

And she's maybe not sure how to help you when you live halfway across the country, and especially when you are as closed off as you are now, but she definitely wants to help. Not because she's jealous of you or thinks you'll ruin some 'aesthetic standard' for a vegas trip, but because she knows EXACTLY how you feel.

She should be far more concerned that her "friends" are talking shit behind her back and are taking pot-shots at her.

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