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AOA

How to talk to a friend who has gained a lot of weight?

163 posts in this topic

This is a bad idea waiting to happen. She's already looking at her belly and arm flaps... You don't need to inform her that you, and probably everyone else, are also looking.

Edited by Underachiever

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So I started a group chat for us girls who are going to Vegas. Since we will be going in June and it's pool season - I asked other people for advice on how to get fit and look good in a bikini. Hopefully everyone will share their own tips and make it a collaborative experience and she can become inspired by that.

:facepalm: Sounds like an excellent way to inspire someone with a history of eating disorders.

Tips: Well for most of us, let's cut back by 1 beer a week! For so and so - you're probably going to have to do a lot of barfing to make it in time. Good luck girls! Yay Vegas!

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I'd stay away from criticizing another person's choice of what to do with their own body.

It's a matter of personal sovereignty.

If anything, if they come to you about it, your focus as a good friend should be to know that it is ultimately THEY who has to search out and find what is best for them, for where they are in their lives.

Health is #1.

That's psychological and physical.

Often, the blind lead the blind. Especially true when "image" is the goal and not health, but then as well because we're not all built the same and what's right for me may not be what's right for you.

Bottom line, physical health is a personal thing. Boundless resources are at our fingertips, but a lot of people don't pay enough attention and it hits them when they're 40, 50 and beyond and they CAN'T go back. You have to get a grip on it, or it will grip you.

Edited by EndGame

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I have had a similar situation.

I was one of the few friends that this person who gained weight had. I liked the person for who they were ... I did not judge him based on his weight, but character.

It turns out, I lost contact with him for about year as he moved away. I see that he wrote a facebook post like he turned his life around, etc. I tried to contact him, but they never replied back. It was as if I was an enabler, but I wasn't. I never asked him about his diet or even ate a meal with him. I just wasn't going to sit their and critique him like someone else apparently had. To this day, I am stunned that I haven't heard from him. When I was one of the few people that wasn't afraid to go out in public or just be his friend. What I am trying to say is that approach them with a health perspective or longevity in life and go from there.. reaching out might be a good thing. Not from a position of authority, but of health concern.

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How is it your business?

Here it is. This is the question you need to ask. You haven't seen or spoke to her in over a year, you don't know anything that's been going on with her in that time. Personally, I believe it would be very insensitive for you to see her after all that time and take it upon yourself to try to help her. If you care about her, you would spend more time with her. If you septn time with her, eventually, you can see if she is going through any problems and try to help that way. I absolutely guarantee that she knows that she gained 100lbs. in a year.

---------- Post added 01-09-2016 at 06:09 PM ----------

I don't think there is a problem with letting her know you're concerned about her health. I wouldn't mention her weight though.

Oh come on, dude, really? It would be so transparent she may as well say it's about her weight.

Edited by babsa

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I want a definitive evil guide to fat shaming, not all this hippy chic talk. I suggest a graduated scale of insulting which can be intensified over time. I suggest a mix of direct accusations and cultural references. ie "You are as fat (accusation) as Jabba the Hut (sci-fi cultural reference)". There is an entire library of 'fat things' that can be used. As for direct insults, well the simple fatty or fatso doesn't cut it. "Hey lard-belly" or "Hey you, Wobble-bottom, Yea you".

The tuba solution:

I suggest buying a chocolate cake and placing it where your friend can see it, but do not allow them to eat it. You want them to salivate like a dog does to meat. A sort of baited fatty trap.

All humans have it in their power to control their own weight since all control what they eat. Nobody wishes to fat. Thus a fat person is unable to regulate their eating behavior, a mental defect. I wish to know why they have developed these defect. It is lack of self-vigilance or self-respect. Neglect of appearance is common to many mental disorders. Obesity is the symptom rather than the problem. One should avoid any relationships with fatties. They cannot rejoin society until they get thin again. They can get together and live in fat towns and have belly wobbling contests and crushing beer cans with their ass cheeks. Yuckeroony, I don't want to live there.

I know that all the fat people reading this will think "stop hating on us". Well I say "stop being so fat then. Being fat is a choice".

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Uh I wouldn't bring up weight ever. You give them space to share with you if they wish too.

"I remember that you struggled with eating disorders in the past. How are you doing now?"

I'm assuming weight gain is from the development of another eating disorder (binge eating disorder). Some people go from one eating disorder to another. It's very hard.

Edited by Pixie93

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I'd say leave it alone unless you know she wants to be helped. And if she wants to be helped, she'd ask. I need to have my ass kicked in many things. I have ADHD, which sometimes makes me more impulsive, and more distracted, so I tell those close to me to basically annoy the fuck out of me until I do the right thing.

Examples:

1. Playing with my phone with company is rude. My boyfriend is entitled to tell me to cut it out when I do it. He is allowed to take away my phone for the rest of the meal.

2. Eating dessert is unhealthy. I ask him to pressure me not to order it.

3. Going to the gym and working out regularly is important. He is to nag me until I do it.

Don't get me wrong. He's not a controlling person at all. He never oversteps his bounds and only exerts the amount of authority I allow him to have over me.

But unsolicited help will probably not go over well.

---------- Post added 01-11-2016 at 01:14 AM ----------

I want a definitive evil guide to fat shaming, not all this hippy chic talk. I suggest a graduated scale of insulting which can be intensified over time. I suggest a mix of direct accusations and cultural references. ie "You are as fat (accusation) as Jabba the Hut (sci-fi cultural reference)". There is an entire library of 'fat things' that can be used. As for direct insults, well the simple fatty or fatso doesn't cut it. "Hey lard-belly" or "Hey you, Wobble-bottom, Yea you".

The tuba solution:

I suggest buying a chocolate cake and placing it where your friend can see it, but do not allow them to eat it. You want them to salivate like a dog does to meat. A sort of baited fatty trap.

All humans have it in their power to control their own weight since all control what they eat. Nobody wishes to fat. Thus a fat person is unable to regulate their eating behavior, a mental defect. I wish to know why they have developed these defect. It is lack of self-vigilance or self-respect. Neglect of appearance is common to many mental disorders. Obesity is the symptom rather than the problem. One should avoid any relationships with fatties. They cannot rejoin society until they get thin again. They can get together and live in fat towns and have belly wobbling contests and crushing beer cans with their ass cheeks. Yuckeroony, I don't want to live there.

I know that all the fat people reading this will think "stop hating on us". Well I say "stop being so fat then. Being fat is a choice".

I'm sure being fat is usually not good for anyone but there's no reason to treat fat people like criminals. They are not that offensive. If we do that, for consistency's sake, we might as well do it to everyone whose lifestyle we find distasteful. Then we should insult and shame 90% of society.

Edited by Antares

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Let us know when she backs out of the trip and tells you all to go pound sand. It won't be long.

I don't want her to back out of the trip and I have a feeling she might because she's feeling insecure.

:facepalm: Sounds like an excellent way to inspire someone with a history of eating disorders.

Tips: Well for most of us, let's cut back by 1 beer a week! For so and so - you're probably going to have to do a lot of barfing to make it in time. Good luck girls! Yay Vegas!

If just talking about exercise and slimming down will trigger her ED, then she's not over it and it's a real problem.

Here it is. This is the question you need to ask. You haven't seen or spoke to her in over a year, you don't know anything that's been going on with her in that time. Personally, I believe it would be very insensitive for you to see her after all that time and take it upon yourself to try to help her. If you care about her, you would spend more time with her.

I must correct you here, it's true I haven't seen her in one year but we speak frequently via text and other methods of communicating.

:facepalm: The things people do with good advice! (╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻

She is going to feel more depressed about her weight, more insecure about her body and will probably NOT go to Vegas!

Gah really? WHAT SHOULD I HAVE DONE THEN not included her in the group chat?? :(

Edited by AOA

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I don't want her to back out of the trip and I have a feeling she might because she's feeling insecure.

Congratulations! Your mission is accomplished! Brava!

Edited by gypsy stardust

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WHAT SHOULD I HAVE DONE THEN not included her in the group chat?? :(

You deliberately talked about wearing bikinis in order to "inspire" her. That's what you shouldn't have done.

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You deliberately talked about wearing bikinis in order to "inspire" her. That's what you shouldn't have done.

Ok but we're going to many pool parties and we have themes. It was an inevitability to talk about swimsuits.

So I should leave her out of conversations involving any of the following?

- swimsuits

- clothes

- weight

Anything else?

Also I should mention that I'm the designated trip planner. So I'm responsible for our itinerary.

Congratulations! Your mission is accomplished! Brava!

See above!

Edited by AOA

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If you didn't want to be a MASSIVE part of her problem, you would have kept your sneaky tactics to yourself.

You did it! Own it! Celebrate your achievement!

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If you didn't want to be a MASSIVE part of her problem, you would have kept your sneaky tactics to yourself.

You did it! Own it! Celebrate your achievement!

Advice rather than snarky comments would be appreciated.

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You ignored the advice that was given to you repeatedly. Now you reap what you've sown.

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You ignored the advice you didn't like and used the advice you did like badly.

You're beyond help.

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If I were in this position with these feelings about really wanting to bring up this person's weight (and I think most of us have been), I would take a long, long time to question my own motives for wanting to talk to this individual about the way he or she looks.

In one case, I would bring it up and also offer to exercise and eat healthy with the individual, which... to me makes the act of bringing the issue up more serious and sincere. I had been through some frightening hospital visits with this individual and thought it might help me to keep them in my life longer. But it was never my decision to make and the gesture was not welcome. So I suppose I was motivated by self-interest as well as interest in the other person.

In other cases, I was fairly sure the person was in denial about his or her weight and... to me, it's awkward being around someone who can't be honest with themselves, but in some cases, we remained friends because it wasn't an important consideration for enjoying each others' company. I don't have a personal interest in what people look like; it just informs me about their life and experience of living to some extent.

How does it make me feel when I imagine myself telling someone he or she is overweight- especially if I don't think he or she will retaliate? I think I might feel... more powerful. Perhaps even noble for attempting to save him or her from the misery of others derision. I might even decide to back up the decision with all kinds of medical facts. But I'd also have to consider that those feelings and that narrative driving me aren't necessarily going to reflect the reality of how the interaction will happen and what it will do for me or him/her. It might just benefit me at the expense of someone else's feelings- someone who had never hurt mine at all and someone I, overall, hold in positive regard.

But I can't assume that I know how this person I've never met before will wants to receive communications. Maybe she does need peer pressure. These were just some of my thoughts.

That's the thing, some people respond well to external influence, others not at all. Like you said, some people may in fact be in denial about weight gain.

As an example, when I gained weight rapidly I was in denial about it. Even though I gained 30lb in the span of a few weeks, my pant size only went up by 1 so I was convinced it wasn't even that big of a deal.

(In the end the weight gain was actually caused by an ulcer, and once I took the medication for the ulcer the weight gain stopped. But I had no idea rapid weight gain was a medical problem until my mom was like - we need to see a doctor about this.)

I have had a similar situation.

I was one of the few friends that this person who gained weight had. I liked the person for who they were ... I did not judge him based on his weight, but character.

It turns out, I lost contact with him for about year as he moved away. I see that he wrote a facebook post like he turned his life around, etc. I tried to contact him, but they never replied back. It was as if I was an enabler, but I wasn't. I never asked him about his diet or even ate a meal with him. I just wasn't going to sit their and critique him like someone else apparently had. To this day, I am stunned that I haven't heard from him. When I was one of the few people that wasn't afraid to go out in public or just be his friend. What I am trying to say is that approach them with a health perspective or longevity in life and go from there.. reaching out might be a good thing. Not from a position of authority, but of health concern.

:huh: Sorry to hear that. Some people when they go through their "metamorphosis" cut off everyone from their past self because they can't help but be reminded of that person they didn't like (themselves).

Edited by AOA

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It's better that she doesn't go. You wanna spend your fun trip coddling someone who gets triggered by seeing thin, fit bodies in bikinis?

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Ok but we're going to many pool parties and we have themes. It was an inevitability to talk about swimsuits.

So I should leave her out of conversations involving any of the following?

- swimsuits

- clothes

- weight

Anything else?

Are you all wearing coordinating/matching/themed clothing?

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Are you all wearing coordinating/matching/themed clothing?

It's a bachelorette party, so for one of the nights we are doing her in white with a sash and a princess tiara, and the other girls in black. She is also getting a bridal bikini. (My suggestion :curtain:)

We want to do themed for the other nights too. I'm doing all the outfit planning.

It's better that she doesn't go. You wanna spend your fun trip coddling someone who gets triggered by seeing thin, fit bodies in bikinis?

I want her to go and have a good time. I know she is self-conscious about her weight right now, and I don't want her to feel 'triggered' in June. I also don't want her to bail from the trip either when she realizes in May that she is super insecure and actually doesn't want to go to pool parties or to stay in the hotel room because she doesn't feel comfortable in a bikini. (As it's a bachelorette party the focus should be on the bride, right?)

Realistically, if she hits the gym now and cuts down on her eating, she could lose a lot of weight by June. BUT I know this is only my value judgement and it's a character flaw of me to apply it to her.

The long and short of it:

1. I want everyone to have a fun time in Vegas.

2. I want the bride to look back on the trip in 20 years and still find happy memories of us.

Edited by AOA

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Hey uh... I dont know how to say this. Youre a disgusting fatbody.

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It's a bachelorette party

Wait, is your overweight friend the BRIDE?? Is this whole trip for her??

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You deliberately talked about wearing bikinis in order to "inspire" her. That's what you shouldn't have done.

This is what I was trying to get at. You've got 6 months before the big trip and you've basically set the expectation that someone you've labelled as 100 or so pounds overweight needs to be bikini-ready in that timeframe. This is not a healthy or realistic goal and the pressure of it could very well trigger an ED response.

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