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AOA

How to talk to a friend who has gained a lot of weight?

163 posts in this topic
But, shouldn't a good friend have the hard conversations that fair-weathered friends are afraid of having?

Absolutely.

I don't know how loose you are using the term "good friend", but if one of my good friends was in the same situation I would have no problem bringing up the topic and would expect them to do the same if it were me. Not that I'd be rude about it, though. "Hey - I noticed you gained a lot of weight and I know you've had medical conditions in the past. I'm concerned about you and want to make sure there isn't something going on."

Edited by Warrior

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Absolutely.

I don't know how loose you are using the term "good friend", but if one of my good friends was in the same situation I would have no problem bringing up the topic and would expect them to do the same if it were me. Not that I'd be rude about it, though. "Hey - I noticed you gained a lot of weight and I know you've had medical conditions in the past. I'm concerned about you and want to make sure there isn't something going on."

This. Yes you might hurt her feelings. So what. Hurting feelings in short term isnt a big deal. If it yields good results in long term then thats good.

As a person who is frank I often say things that arent tactful to people around me, but I make sure that I dont criticise them. I just bring the objective facts up and try to give them a little spin of what I think about this and that. I wouldnt expect any less from my friends. I always liked people who said I am idiot when I was one. It helped me and it helped them.

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Are you friggin kidding me? Mind your own damn business. If you want to help your "friend", shut up!

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I wouldnt expect any less from my friends. I always liked people who said I am idiot when I was one. It helped me and it helped them.

That's true. There are enough bullshitters in the world who tell you want you want to hear, it's sometimes nice to know that there are people who won't sugarcoat things for you just to win your favor - these are the same people who are the first to ditch you as well.

I don't know how loose you are using the term "good friend", but if one of my good friends was in the same situation I would have no problem bringing up the topic and would expect them to do the same if it were me. Not that I'd be rude about it, though. "Hey - I noticed you gained a lot of weight and I know you've had medical conditions in the past. I'm concerned about you and want to make sure there isn't something going on."

I think guys can say this a bit easier too. Women are so attuned to being judged for their weight that they can be hypersensitive about weight related talk. It's kind of sad in that way, one can say to a guy "Hey bud you'd look great if you lost 20lb" and he can kind of nod and take it for what it is, but say it to a woman and it can be like you're undermining her whole self-worth.

---------- Post added 01-07-2016 at 04:04 PM ----------

I'm not sensitive to my weight. I accept the reality of what I look like and I'm NOT okay with it. But it's no one else's business what I eat or when I choose to finally say "I've had enough". That's all on me. And my friends being overweight is not my business, either. They may talk to me about their weight issues, and I listen, but I don't make them feel bad for it ... because feeling bad is often why people are overweight in the first place. My previous weight loss inspired others to lose weight. Making people feel valued, and worthy, makes them want to care about themselves. Making them feel ashamed and "less than" because of their appearance only serves to make them want to eat more.

Well the intention is definitely not to shame my friend! The intention is to simply say, "Hey whatever you're going through I've been there too and you're not alone and you're still valuable and people love you." but I can see how mentioning anything related to weight sort of detracts from that message.

I sort of believe in the whole, once a fat girl, always a fat girl statement. So since I've been fat, I sort of always view everyone else through that lens. Sometimes it gets on people's nerves, like when some friends say, "Ugh I need to lose weight." I'll chime in but it pisses them off.

And to be honest with you, you know that whole thing about ENFJs being empaths and making other people's problems their own? When I see my friend struggling with her self-image, it makes me feel ashamed and self-conscious too. It really puts me right back into that place that I was when I was depressed and overweight and I felt all alone, and that was a terrible feeling! So I don't want it. I want to fix this, but I can't fix someone else.

Edited by AOA

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This is difficult. If your friend values her appearance, than a good friend might help her retain it.

But it is a slippery slope if:

1) You aren't close.

2) She's sensitive.

3) She's under the whole "real women" spell.

4) It isn't something she cares about.

I certainly wouldn't risk it. Hell, just hanging out with her more might help. Maybe inviting her for tennis or to go hiking with you. When a fat person has thin friends, they tend to change their habits on their own. I swear I read somewhere something to that effect, birds of a feather or something.

So I'd just hang out with her while displaying your own healthy habits. She might follow your lead! Else-wise, I wouldn't concern yourself with it.

Edited by EchoFlame

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Bringing it up certainly won't do any good. Most people are im fact aware of what they look like. It could be caused by a medication, could be caused by a thyroid condition ( Cushing's disease or something). But, since you are not a doctor, all that bringing up her weight will do is make her feel terrible. That's all, nothing good would come from mentioning it.

---------- Post added 01-07-2016 at 11:22 PM ----------

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This. Yes you might hurt her feelings. So what. Hurting feelings in short term isnt a big deal. If it yields good results in long term then thats good. [...] As a person who is frank I often say things that arent tactful to people around me, but I make sure that I dont criticise them. I just bring the objective facts up and try to give them a little spin of what I think about this and that.
That's true. There are enough bullshitters in the world who tell you want you want to hear, it's sometimes nice to know that there are people who won't sugarcoat things for you just to win your favor - these are the same people who are the first to ditch you as well.

Just because someone is being "honest" doesn't mean they can't be tactful. I may not have trust issues with people who like to loudly proclaim how honest they are, or wear as a badge of honor how often they've pissed the people around them off, but I tend not to want to spend any time with them, either. I prefer people who've found a happy medium; people who are honest but also a little bit more thoughtful and a little bit

, no matter how "helpful" they think it is. Edited by larkin

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Keep your mouth shut. Don't say shit until she requests advice.

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I don't think there is a problem with letting her know you're concerned about her health. I wouldn't mention her weight though.

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But if you gained 100lb in one year and no one talked to you about it, then are they really your friends? I'm not saying, oh I think she's getting a little chubs so she better cut back on her carb intake, I'm actually saying that I think this is pretty serious ...

That's hard to hear! It shouldn't have to get to that point.

It's good to care about your friend, you must weigh out (no pun intended)

the factors of her weight gain. There is a reason someone gains 100 lbs in a year and that would be the main thing to find out. The weight is the outcome of whatever she is going through in life not the problem. If you approach her with the problem she is dealing with rather then the effects of that problem you may be able to actually help her.

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How old is she. If shes younger she might take it more personally. You know teenagers, and if shes older she might be more mature about although it depends on a person.

Some people dont reflect on things that much and she might be aware of her problem, but she might have not yet put it into perspective. As most people she just might be happy with being fat for now. But very rarely do these people realize that being fat is that bad.

What worked for my brother was reading a ton of articles about health. He basically read like 1000 articles on health and it completely changed him to a point where he stopped smoking and drinking and started exercising.

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Happy New Year AOA.

After reading through this thread...

Are you SURE she is ISFJ? I am going to go ahead and make the assumption that you are correct.

As an ISFJ who struggled with her weight growing up, lost all the extra weight only to put on a 100 pounds as a young adult going through a depression and finally getting a hold on her weight many years later, let me give you some advice.

There is no fucking way she does not know that she put on a significant amount of weight. She is an Si dom which means we are painfully aware of our own bodies. We literally live in our skins every minute of everyday.

She has had ED and problems with her weight before. And while she may not have the fortitude or the mindset to deal with it at this moment, it is, without a doubt, is bothering her.

She is in a new relationship? I get the feeling that it might be toxic for her. Have you met the boyfriend?

To an ISFJ this advice

As someone who struggles with weight, the best thing that someone can do for me is to accept me as I am, listen without judgment, and be supportive of what I choose for my life. They don't have to agree with my choices, or make the same choices for their life, but they should allow me to make my own decisions when it comes to my body. I am the owner of myself.

My mom used to try to bribe me to lose weight. $100 for every 10 pounds. If I lost "X" amount, she'd buy me a motorcycle. Constant comments and pressure. Never did she consider or listen when I told her that her comments are more destructive than her desire to help. When I was/am ready to lose weight, I will. It took me a long time to decide to lose 115lbs and where I was at a normal weight for the first time in my adult life (at 28). No one influenced that but me. No one's attempts to point out that I was fat (no shit), that I should diet (no shit), that I should exercise (no shit) helped in any way ... only to make it apparent that I was surrounded by people who were judging me and watching my every move. "Oh, gonna eat that, are you? You sure that's a good idea?"

To this day I struggle not with my depression, which caused me to gain weight in the first place (also a mixture of PCOS/Insulin Resistance), but with being watched/monitored/judged by people who can't understand the concept of perspective taking and personal freedom. I've been in THERAPY to try to erase the years of criticism and judgment when it came to my weight, which only served to contribute to the control issues I have when it comes to eating.

I'm not sensitive to my weight. I accept the reality of what I look like and I'm NOT okay with it. But it's no one else's business what I eat or when I choose to finally say "I've had enough". That's all on me. And my friends being overweight is not my business, either. They may talk to me about their weight issues, and I listen, but I don't make them feel bad for it ... because feeling bad is often why people are overweight in the first place. My previous weight loss inspired others to lose weight. Making people feel valued, and worthy, makes them want to care about themselves. Making them feel ashamed and "less than" because of their appearance only serves to make them want to eat more.

Non-judgmental listening helps. Genuine concern comes in forms of help like giving them the opportunity to help themselves, if they choose ... inviting them to go to the gym with you because you want a workout partner. Or asking them to take a dance class with you. Things that aren't a blatant "I'm, personally, not okay with your weight". If my boyfriend wanted to go hiking, or walking, or to the gym every day as a way to help me ... I'd go with him. That's a lot more helpful than things like, "No, you can't eat that, you're supposed to be dieting".

is mostly garbage.

It's not going to help your friend. If she is even a half intelligent ISFJ, she is going to wish one of her friends were there to help her with her weight problem. When she realizes that her friends were doing shit to help her AND talking about it behind her back, she will feel betrayed. And yes, SHE WILL REALIZE it.

Yes, she may get offended when someone brings up her weight, but it is bothering her a lot and she is going to want to do something about it. The important thing to realize is that with the right people, an ISFJ can be encouraged to make things better. It is because she uses Fe as her secondary cog function.

You want to help an ISFJ with a weight problem who is feeling insecure and bad about her weight? You do it slow.

  • You already said the first thing you need to do: Tell her that you've been there, you know what it is like to be overweight etc etc.
    This is how most ISFJs communicate. As Si doms with Fe aux, they can easily relate to things that they have seen or experienced before. When you use such an argument she will be more inclined to listen to you.
    If you start talking about some article or some person you know, it's not going to have the same effect UNLESS she is someone who is used to researching things or looking for information via journal articles etc.
  • Ask her how she feels about it. LET HER TALK, do NOT make judgements until she is done. Who knows she might ask you for advice at the end of her rant.
  • Ask her if it's because of medical reasons or because of medications. Encourage her to go see a doctor if applicable. This should also cover depression. Since she has a history of ED and depression, this would be a great idea anyway. If there is an underlying cause for the weight gain, that must be addressed first!
  • Use euphermisms if you have to. Women are famously easily offended by talking about their weight. Remind here that you've been there and that you know what it feels like. And that brings me to my next point:
  • Be honest but also tactful!
  • Offer to be her gym partner, talk to her about getting a personal trainer. Use step by step approaches. Slowly introduce her to ideas like "Stop drinking softdrinks." When she gets used to this then tell her "Try giving up salty snacks or something..."
  • Step by step. Do NOT dump everything on her at once. If she starts feeling overwhelmed she will start to resist and spew shit like "My boyfriend loves me the way I am, why do I have to change anything?"
  • If she resists and gets offended, pull back for a while and then try to encourage her again. ISFJs will initially resist change, but with enough encouragement she can do better.
  • Be there for her, be a confidant, be a gym buddy and encourage her to eat healthier but don't constantly nag her about it.
  • If she begins doing something about it, they you can nag her all you want and remind her that weight loss may not happen right away. In fact let her measure her weight loss by loss of inches for the first 4 months or so. Tell her to throw away her scale.

Once she starts seeing results and feeling better, she will be hitting that gym and eating more healthily than anyone you know!

And if she doesn't want your help. Just let it go! :blank:

Edited by Minerva

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Happy New Year AOA.

After reading through this thread...

Are you SURE she is ISFJ? I am going to go ahead and make the assumption that you are correct.

As an ISFJ who struggled with her weight growing up, lost all the extra weight only to put on a 100 pounds as a young adult going through a depression and finally getting a hold on her weight many years later, let me give you some advice.

There is no fucking way she does not know that she put on a significant amount of weight. She is an Si dom which means we are painfully aware of our own bodies. We literally live in our skins every minute of everyday.

She has had ED and problems with her weight before. And while she may not have the fortitude or the mindset to deal with it at this moment, it is without a doubt certainly is bothering her.

She is in a new relationship? I get the feeling that it might be toxic for her. Have you met the boyfriend?

To an ISFJ this advice

is mostly garbage.

It's not going to help your friend. If she is even half intelligent ISFJ, she is going to wish one of her friends were there to help her with her weight problem. When she realizes that her friends were doing shit to help her AND talking about it behind her back, she will feel betrayed. And yes, SHE WILL REALIZE it.

Yes, she may get offended when someone brings up her weight, but it is bothering her a lot and she is going to want to do something about it. The important thing to realize is that with the right people, an ISFJ can be encouraged to make things better. It is because she uses Fe as her secondary cog function.

You want to help an ISFJ with a weight problem who is feeling insecure and bad about her weight? You do it slow.

  • You already said the first thing you need to do: Tell her that you've been there, you know what it is like to be overweight etc etc.
  • Ask her how she feels about it. LET HER TALK, do NOT make judgements until she is done. Who knows she might ask you for advice at the end of her rant.
  • Use euphermisms if you have to. Women are famously easily offended by talking about their weight. Remind here that you've been there and that it is possible to lose weight IF she wants to.
  • Offer to be her gym partner, talk to her about getting a personal trainer. Use step by step approaches. Slowly introduce her to ideas like "Stop drinking softdrinks." When she gets used to this then tell her "Try giving up salty snaks or something..."
  • Step by step. Do NOT dump everything on her at once.
  • If she resists and gets offended, pull back for a while and then try to encourage her again. ISFJs will initially resist change, but with enough encouragement she can do better.
  • Be there for her, be a confidant, be a gym buddy and encourage her to eat healthier but don't constantly nag her about it.
  • If she begins doing something about it, they you can nag her all you want and remind her that weight loss may not happen right away. In fact let her measure her weight loss by loss of inches for the first 4 months or so. Tell her to throw away her scale.

And if she doesn't want your help. Just let it go! :blank:

She asked "if you're the recipient and you struggle with weight-related issues, would you be thankful or annoyed if a friend brought up your weight?". I responded with how I, personally, would feel about it and offered a different perspective than what AOA would expect from her friends if she were in the same situation. I wasn't giving her advice because I don't know a damn thing about her friend or what her friend's preferences are.

As someone who has an ISFJ mother, she feels that by bringing it up is attempting to help me, likely because she would like that sort of help from someone if she were in the same situation. Similarly, she makes comments on my other life choices, based on how she feels about them (according to her subjective values) because she "wished she'd have someone who would have told her these kinds of things" when she was going through life. She wanted the advice and opinions of those around her. I can understand that what works for me is different from what works for her ... but she doesn't seem able to comprehend that what she needs is the opposite of what I need, even though I've attempted to explain that to her.

What a person needs in any situation is going to be highly individual. If she is an ISFJ (I missed that part), then I'm glad you're here to offer your take on what may work for her.

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Holli - AOA gave me the impression that she was looking for advice. I was just commenting that your post is not a good source for advice.

Do you still talk to your mother? If so, why???

Edited by Minerva

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First of all, happy new year everyone!

I recently saw a friend of mine whom I haven’t seen in over a year, and it concerned me.

A little backstory, we’ve known each other since we were little kids (12 years old) due to our parents being friends. Even though we went to different high schools and universities, we’ve always kept in touch and been very friendly. My friend has had a history of eating disorders. She used to model recreationally as she is very tall: 5’11. However, she also has a big build and puts on weight easily. Her stint in that industry caused her to become very conscious of her figure and eating habits and she had a combination of anorexia/bulimia for a while.

Anyways, I walked past her actually 2 times looking for her (we were at a bar) before I realized who she was. In less than a year, she has tripled in size. To the point where she went from being skinny-normal to completely obese. She lost her face shape, it’s now completely round whereas before she was a nice model oval. If I had to guess, I would say she’s perhaps 230-250lb.

First of all, it’s incredibly unhealthy to put on so much weight in such a short amount of time. This is around 100lb in a year. I was going to talk to her about it, but her best friend (also my good friend) told me to not say anything.

“Don’t mention her weight to her. She won’t like it.”

“Have you talked to her about it? Maybe you should?”

“No I haven’t, I know she’ll get mad!”

Here’s my problem. Some of you guys know I had an ED in university, and I sure WISHED some of my friends had spoken up when I was binge-eating and gaining weight like crazy. I thought I was the only one going through this and that I was defective, but EDs are very common in women and nothing to hide/be ashamed about. It needs to be treated like what it is, an illness that one can recover from. I understand that people can gain weight without having an ED, but given my friend's history I think she has relapsed.

Even though our friend group are all talking about how fat she has become, they have collectively decided to not say anything to said friend as it will hurt her feelings. But, shouldn't a good friend have the hard conversations that fair-weathered friends are afraid of having?

I don’t know. What do you guys think? What would you do in this situation? Or, if you're the recipient and you struggle with weight-related issues, would you be thankful or annoyed if a friend brought up your weight?

First of all, you can only use one "first of all" per post. Otherwise it's a "second of all."

Second of all, I think it is wholly inappropriate to discuss your acquaintance's weight with your friends or with the acquaintance herself. This reeks of Mean Girl mentality and social order/status jockeying. If the acquaintance wants to discuss her weight with you, she'll bring it up.

Finally, I think that someone you don't see for a year without keeping in touch with is not a friend. They are an acquiantance.

Edited by TzarAlexander

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Seems rather simple to me, don't bring it up unless she does. Nothing wrong with being supportive when a friend needs it, but that support needs to be something she actually asks you for.

Edited by Cygnus

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Happy New Year AOA.

After reading through this thread...

Are you SURE she is ISFJ? I am going to go ahead and make the assumption that you are correct.

I definitely think she is an xxFJ of some sort. She took the MBTI test before and got ISFJ. I was actually surprised as I had thought of her as more of an extrovert - but I can see her as an ISFJ.

If you start talking about some article or some person you know, it's not going to have the same effect UNLESS she is someone who is used to researching things or looking for information via journal articles etc.

[*]Ask her how she feels about it. LET HER TALK, do NOT make judgements until she is done. Who knows she might ask you for advice at the end of her rant.

[*]Ask her if it's because of medical reasons or because of medications. Encourage her to go see a doctor if applicable. This should also cover depression. Since she has a history of ED and depression, this would be a great idea anyway. If there is an underlying cause for the weight gain, that must be addressed first!

[*]Use euphermisms if you have to. Women are famously easily offended by talking about their weight. Remind here that you've been there and that you know what it feels like. And that brings me to my next point:

[*] Be honest but also tactful!

[*]Offer to be her gym partner, talk to her about getting a personal trainer. Use step by step approaches. Slowly introduce her to ideas like "Stop drinking softdrinks." When she gets used to this then tell her "Try giving up salty snacks or something..."

[*]Step by step. Do NOT dump everything on her at once. If she starts feeling overwhelmed she will start to resist and spew shit like "My boyfriend loves me the way I am, why do I have to change anything?"

[*]If she resists and gets offended, pull back for a while and then try to encourage her again. ISFJs will initially resist change, but with enough encouragement she can do better.

[*]Be there for her, be a confidant, be a gym buddy and encourage her to eat healthier but don't constantly nag her about it.

[*]If she begins doing something about it, they you can nag her all you want and remind her that weight loss may not happen right away. In fact let her measure her weight loss by loss of inches for the first 4 months or so. Tell her to throw away her scale.

Once she starts seeing results and feeling better, she will be hitting that gym and eating more healthily than anyone you know!

And if she doesn't want your help. Just let it go! :blank:

Good advice. :) I thought it might seem like I was targeting her if I confronted her about her weight one-on-one. (And to be honest, I couldn't think of a way to bring up the whole health concern without making a reference to her weight ...)

So I started a group chat for us girls who are going to Vegas. Since we will be going in June and it's pool season - I asked other people for advice on how to get fit and look good in a bikini. Hopefully everyone will share their own tips and make it a collaborative experience and she can become inspired by that.

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I definitely think she is an xxFJ of some sort. She took the MBTI test before and got ISFJ. I was actually surprised as I had thought of her as more of an extrovert - but I can see her as an ISFJ.

Good advice. :) I thought it might seem like I was targeting her if I confronted her about her weight one-on-one. (And to be honest, I couldn't think of a way to bring up the whole health concern without making a reference to her weight ...)

So I started a group chat for us girls who are going to Vegas. Since we will be going in June and it's pool season - I asked other people for advice on how to get fit and look good in a bikini. Hopefully everyone will share their own tips and make it a collaborative experience and she can become inspired by that.

This thread and others, indicate to me that you're probably not a nice person. Prove me wrong.

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So I started a group chat for us girls who are going to Vegas. Since we will be going in June and it's pool season - I asked other people for advice on how to get fit and look good in a bikini. Hopefully everyone will share their own tips and make it a collaborative experience and she can become inspired by that.

Let us know when she backs out of the trip and tells you all to go pound sand. It won't be long.

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I see chicks of all sizes in their bikinis at the beach all the time.

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I definitely think she is an xxFJ of some sort. She took the MBTI test before and got ISFJ. I was actually surprised as I had thought of her as more of an extrovert - but I can see her as an ISFJ.

People think I am an extrovert when I interact. I am not obnoxious though.

Then they get confused when I fall off the face of the earth.

Good advice. :) I thought it might seem like I was targeting her if I confronted her about her weight one-on-one. (And to be honest, I couldn't think of a way to bring up the whole health concern without making a reference to her weight ...)

So I started a group chat for us girls who are going to Vegas. Since we will be going in June and it's pool season - I asked other people for advice on how to get fit and look good in a bikini. Hopefully everyone will share their own tips and make it a collaborative experience and she can become inspired by that.

:facepalm: The things people do with good advice! (╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻

She is going to feel more depressed about her weight, more insecure about her body and will probably NOT go to Vegas!

Edited by Minerva

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You talk to them like normal.

Unless you talk about little skinny girls and real women.

Edited by Chameleon

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If I were in this position with these feelings about really wanting to bring up this person's weight (and I think most of us have been), I would take a long, long time to question my own motives for wanting to talk to this individual about the way he or she looks.

In one case, I would bring it up and also offer to exercise and eat healthy with the individual, which... to me makes the act of bringing the issue up more serious and sincere. I had been through some frightening hospital visits with this individual and thought it might help me to keep them in my life longer. But it was never my decision to make and the gesture was not welcome. So I suppose I was motivated by self-interest as well as interest in the other person.

In other cases, I was fairly sure the person was in denial about his or her weight and... to me, it's awkward being around someone who can't be honest with themselves, but in some cases, we remained friends because it wasn't an important consideration for enjoying each others' company. I don't have a personal interest in what people look like; it just informs me about their life and experience of living to some extent.

How does it make me feel when I imagine myself telling someone he or she is overweight- especially if I don't think he or she will retaliate? I think I might feel... more powerful. Perhaps even noble for attempting to save him or her from the misery of others derision. I might even decide to back up the decision with all kinds of medical facts. But I'd also have to consider that those feelings and that narrative driving me aren't necessarily going to reflect the reality of how the interaction will happen and what it will do for me or him/her. It might just benefit me at the expense of someone else's feelings- someone who had never hurt mine at all and someone I, overall, hold in positive regard.

But I can't assume that I know how this person I've never met before will wants to receive communications. Maybe she does need peer pressure. These were just some of my thoughts.

Edited by zygodactylous

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Anyone who carries alot of weight is fully aware they are carrying alot of weight and does not need someone telling them they are. If they are OK with it, than it's their life and their business. If they are not OK with it, only they can do anything about it.

---------- Post added 01-09-2016 at 07:11 AM ----------

111

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