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About ElstonGunn

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    New York (the state... nowhere near the city with the same name.)
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  1. What does the label bestow onto you that you don't want and don't already have? Are you using it as a surrogate for the kind of intimacy that carries with it an inherent risk of future disappointment? Because it sounds like you've already taken that risk.
  2. Some of us do, but not very well. We tend to make it either so obvious that it doesn't really count as a signal anymore, or else so subtle that even the most finely-tuned social intuition can't detect it. Either way, in terms of purely practical effect, the point remains-- it's better to ask him directly. If you've gotten a vague, unconfirmed impression that he's interested in you, that's enough. This is another one of those areas in life where you'll do much better if you view ambiguity as a benefit that you can use to your advantage, rather than as a constraint that limits your options.
  3. At least you can never say that he doesn't do shit around the house.
  4. Genuine question: are you sure it was clear to him? I've racked up several examples, both personal and vicarious, of female xNFx types believing that they made their feelings explicitly clear, and male IxTx types not having even the slightest idea that they were being told something big and important. I hope that's not the case here, and if I had to guess, I'd guess that it's not. But there is some chance that he didn't understand what you were saying, and that's why you didn't get much of a response from him on the subject. It's hard to say without knowing what you wrote to him or what he said immediately in response to it.
  5. That kind of thing would make me want to set fire to the room right then and there. Of course, that's probably not the best thing to say, let alone do, in response to people unveiling their criticism collection. Probably. I had something like that happen in my first job out of grad school. One day my boss called me into his office (which was a normal thing in itself) and read off a typed-up list of about a dozen things that I was doing wrong. I think they mostly came from another manager, who I worked with, but not for. Some were legitimate, and some seemed more like bad management getting blamed on me. I was surprised, angry, insulted, but more than anything else, I was scared that it was some kind of a prelude to firing me, like they wanted to get some documentation in a file somewhere to justify it. I left that company two months later, as soon as I found another job, but I seriously considered quitting without anything else lined up. I don't know what you do now, after your Airing of Grievances. The easiest thing I can think of would be to briefly say that you thought about what they said, and apologize for any tension that you've caused, and then ask them to tell you about any other problems that occur as they happen over the remaining few months of your time there. Maybe throw in something about how you never intended to come off as being closed to criticism or anything like that. ...I think my goal if I were in your position here would be to placate things just long enough to make my exit, and then basically write the whole thing off as one of those "bag over the head, punch in the face" experiences that result when people bottle things up so much that a calm, reasonable, quick conversation no longer seems like an adequate or commensurate response to the problem they're perceiving.
  6. I agree, but I think there are more possible shades of quality to a relationship than just good and bad. I wonder where people might rank being single if you included more specific relationship types, like one that's enjoyable and pleasant and has plenty of good times, but has kind of settled into a bit of a rut. Or one that's very good, save for one particular, moderately important but not crucial, issue where there's disagreement. It always seems to me that most relationships occur within one standard deviation of the average quality. How a person makes decisions within that band of relative normality is a lot more interesting than the extremes, where the answers are immediately clear.
  7. No, not a welcome option for me. It does seem to be the most likely one though, so I've been trying to warm up to the idea for the past couple of years.
  8. I'm not sure if I know what that means, but it doesn't sound good to me. I think you have to give it a nudge. If you don't want to have an explicit conversation about it, don't. Just start acting in small ways like you did have that conversation, and like it went successfully. You're as much a part of this relationship he is, and you're allowed to not only want things from it, but to act on those wants, too.
  9. No, I absolutely wouldn't. If it were an open marriage, and everyone else was fine with it, I still wouldn't enjoy it. And if she were trying to cheat on her partner, I'd consider that despicable enough to remove any attraction I'd otherwise felt for her previously.
  10. Try to work in a comment about how they're not the type to be taken in by a line of bullshit. INTJs are susceptible to that kind of meta-bullshit.
  11. Yeah, I don't know of any man who would be bothered by a woman contacting him in this sort of a context. Surprised maybe, but that's just because of the rarity of the concept-- which actually works further in your favor, if anything.
  12. Is the story you told a similar pattern? I mean, do you usually go to bed more-or-less around the same time, or do you actually, physically get into bed within a minute or so of each other? I've always had more success when going to bed at the same time, rather than several minutes apart. Waiting seems to be a bit of a mood-killer, at least to me. That's just the first thing that came to mind, based on the one anecdote you gave. So maybe I'm latching onto one tree instead of seeing the forest.
  13. I don't go for anybody, really. I mostly just stay right here and try to figure out why I don't go or why nobody comes. Something's must be gumming up the works, I guess.
  14. If you aren't already doing this, I'd suggest applying specifics to compliments as well as in your expression of your own desires of what you want from him. It's a bit counter-intuitive, but I think one specific compliment counts as much as a dozen generalized ones, at least. On a purely logical level, you'd think that making a pronouncement that someone possesses a certain trait or quality as a part of their overall character would mean more than highlighting one particular instance in which he expressed that trait. But our cognition doesn't really seem to work that way. It's a lot harder to shrug off a compliment when it's tied to a factually specific, rememberable past event than when it's given in the abstract.
  15. I'm reaching back a bit into the discussion a bit with this one, but I got here late... Is it possible that your husband might be one of the people who thinks he doesn't deserve you? That could tie into the depression theory, as one aspect of it. Even at our best, most INTJs have an extraordinarily vicious streak of self-criticism (underneath the outwardly-expressed egotism, that is). It's the other side of the coin to our perfectionism and relentless need for competency in ourselves. It's difficult to master something if you set low standards for yourself, and easily forgive your own flaws and mistakes as being acceptable and good enough. On a related note, most INTJs, especially the male ones, spend most of our lives both hearing about and personally experiencing how horrible we are at romantic relationships. That can make any relationship that we do manage to stagger our way into a very easy target for our inner critic. The idea is already burrowed into our psyche like a tick on a mangy dog. One little slip-up, and the critic shows up: "See?! See?! Didn't I tell you? You've always sucked at this, you suck at it now, and you're only going to suck at it even more as time goes on." Of course, that's not an easy thing to talk about, even with a partner. Or maybe especially with a partner. Because discussing it means admitting that, on some level at least, the critic is right-- that for all the energy and intelligence that we've directed at all the other things we've delved into with so much intellectual enthusiasm, this is the one subject that has defeated us and all of our best efforts, repeatedly, to the extent that we seem to be wholly powerless to resolve the problem. That's not an easy thing to admit.