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About ElstonGunn

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    New York (the state... nowhere near the city with the same name.)
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  1. No, not a welcome option for me. It does seem to be the most likely one though, so I've been trying to warm up to the idea for the past couple of years.
  2. I'm not sure if I know what that means, but it doesn't sound good to me. I think you have to give it a nudge. If you don't want to have an explicit conversation about it, don't. Just start acting in small ways like you did have that conversation, and like it went successfully. You're as much a part of this relationship he is, and you're allowed to not only want things from it, but to act on those wants, too.
  3. No, I absolutely wouldn't. If it were an open marriage, and everyone else was fine with it, I still wouldn't enjoy it. And if she were trying to cheat on her partner, I'd consider that despicable enough to remove any attraction I'd otherwise felt for her previously.
  4. Try to work in a comment about how they're not the type to be taken in by a line of bullshit. INTJs are susceptible to that kind of meta-bullshit.
  5. Yeah, I don't know of any man who would be bothered by a woman contacting him in this sort of a context. Surprised maybe, but that's just because of the rarity of the concept-- which actually works further in your favor, if anything.
  6. Is the story you told a similar pattern? I mean, do you usually go to bed more-or-less around the same time, or do you actually, physically get into bed within a minute or so of each other? I've always had more success when going to bed at the same time, rather than several minutes apart. Waiting seems to be a bit of a mood-killer, at least to me. That's just the first thing that came to mind, based on the one anecdote you gave. So maybe I'm latching onto one tree instead of seeing the forest.
  7. I don't go for anybody, really. I mostly just stay right here and try to figure out why I don't go or why nobody comes. Something's must be gumming up the works, I guess.
  8. If you aren't already doing this, I'd suggest applying specifics to compliments as well as in your expression of your own desires of what you want from him. It's a bit counter-intuitive, but I think one specific compliment counts as much as a dozen generalized ones, at least. On a purely logical level, you'd think that making a pronouncement that someone possesses a certain trait or quality as a part of their overall character would mean more than highlighting one particular instance in which he expressed that trait. But our cognition doesn't really seem to work that way. It's a lot harder to shrug off a compliment when it's tied to a factually specific, rememberable past event than when it's given in the abstract.
  9. I'm reaching back a bit into the discussion a bit with this one, but I got here late... Is it possible that your husband might be one of the people who thinks he doesn't deserve you? That could tie into the depression theory, as one aspect of it. Even at our best, most INTJs have an extraordinarily vicious streak of self-criticism (underneath the outwardly-expressed egotism, that is). It's the other side of the coin to our perfectionism and relentless need for competency in ourselves. It's difficult to master something if you set low standards for yourself, and easily forgive your own flaws and mistakes as being acceptable and good enough. On a related note, most INTJs, especially the male ones, spend most of our lives both hearing about and personally experiencing how horrible we are at romantic relationships. That can make any relationship that we do manage to stagger our way into a very easy target for our inner critic. The idea is already burrowed into our psyche like a tick on a mangy dog. One little slip-up, and the critic shows up: "See?! See?! Didn't I tell you? You've always sucked at this, you suck at it now, and you're only going to suck at it even more as time goes on." Of course, that's not an easy thing to talk about, even with a partner. Or maybe especially with a partner. Because discussing it means admitting that, on some level at least, the critic is right-- that for all the energy and intelligence that we've directed at all the other things we've delved into with so much intellectual enthusiasm, this is the one subject that has defeated us and all of our best efforts, repeatedly, to the extent that we seem to be wholly powerless to resolve the problem. That's not an easy thing to admit.
  10. Send the overflow from the big side over to the small side. Like this: "Barney, why don't you fill out the groom's side?" "Hey, down in front!" "Nein!"
  11. I'm far less picky than I should be, considering how much of it I drink. I'll take any coffee-like substance and like it. I pretty much always have it black, unless I'm in a cheap diner, where I'll occasionally add some half-and-half.
  12. Have you thought about what "more communication" means? How much more? When? Communication about what, specifically? Or to ask it another way, what might it look like if this problem were resolved tomorrow? I just bring this up because I myself don't do particularly well with requests that are as vague as the way you've worded your concern here. Is it possible that he doesn't know what exactly he can or should be doing in order to rectify the situation? Was it in a Woody Allen movie, where someone asks "How often do you have sex?" She says, "All the time, like three times a week," and he says "Hardly ever, like three times a week." A lot of problems can't even be worked on-- let alone solved-- without seeing the other person's view first. The way I'm picturing the conversations you've had with him, it sounds like you may have declared that there was a problem, and he agreed because he felt like the necessary immediate response was to placate you, or else things would get worse very quickly. Just the image that popped into my head; I'm not saying that I think it happened that way. And I'm trying to find something that could serve as a basis for solving this problem, rather than jumping right to the "end it" conclusion. It very well may turn out that that's the best advice, but I'd suggest being sure of it before going that way with it.
  13. I don't see anything in what you said that would make me lose any interest that I would have otherwise had. It's unusual in a statistical sense, but that doesn't strongly suggest anything about you as a person. In a generally similar vein, I'm 31, and as far as I can remember, I've never asked anyone out in a face-to-face conversation (let alone done so successfully). It's possible that that means I'm an unlikable goblin who has no self-confidence, but I think it has more to do with my strong dislike of that process, and not noticing any opportunities that may have arisen in the past. There have even been situations where I was convinced I'd get a positive response, but I still wouldn't do it. It's like when someone asks you if you'd steal or murder if you were guaranteed to get away with it (except obviously asking someone out isn't a moral question). The act itself just doesn't sit well with me. Have you tried any of the online dating sites? You have much more control over what you allow people to know about you on there. You could leave all this stuff out, or vaguely gloss over it-- e.g., "I've sent the past few years creating the kind of life I want, and now I'd like to find someone to share it with," or something like that, that implies you've been single for a while for relatively socially-acceptable reasons. Plus, you get a little more time to talk yourself into accepting an offer when someone halfway decent comes along. There's a considerable subset of people who aren't especially interested in hearing about their partner's romantic past, and quite a few more who would listen if you wanted to say something, but wouldn't pry into it of their own accord. Lastly, one small suggestion-- I'd recommend against thinking of yourself as socially-awkward. For one thing, you probably aren't. Nothing in the way you're talking here indicates general awkwardness. And people who genuinely are awkward have a hard time being as generally successful as people as you've been, in terms of their jobs, and getting along with co-workers, and getting a few people (probably more than you think) to develop romantic interests in them. Besides that, telling yourself that you have an inherent handicap in this process might be counter-productive. Like when someone says he's "not a math person," and then he shockingly never understands how to calculate a standard deviation by hand. My understanding of the current thinking in psychology is that, when you're having a hard time with something, it's generally better to approach it as a learnable skill than an inborn talent that you just don't have.
  14. I'd advise against trying to figure out if someone is interested. If you're not the kind of person who already has a good sense for these kinds of things, then analyzing it and getting other people's thoughts isn't likely to get you to a definitive answer (assuming that's the ultimate goal of this exercise). Your own analysis will be scrambled by the strange combination of hopeful anticipation and nervous pessimism that comes with this activity. Probably too scrambled to be reliable. And if you try to get anyone else's thoughts, they'll only have access to your own accounts of the situation, which means they're listening to a narrator who's scrambled up by hopeful anticipation and nervous pessimism. Plus, anybody who you're comfortable enough with to ask will almost definitely be rooting for you as a friend, and for the vicarious pleasure of seeing a pre-relationship romance story work out. So they're adding in their own biases, too, on top of the ones they get from you. Not long ago, I tried doing this, like you, also with a co-worker. I got even got a few external, trusted female opinions on a few of the conversations I'd had with my interest. I ended up being more sure and more confident than I've ever been in any of these situations that I'd get the outcome that I was hoping for. So I asked her. And I didn't get the response I was hoping for. But it didn't turn into a horrible, tense, awkward situation with her. I think we didn't talk much the day after, and then by the second day, we were pretty much back to our normal style of conversation. My point here is that if you're getting enough of a feeling that you think there might be a slight chance that she's interested, just decide to act as if she really is, and ask her out, or whatever it is that you've gotta do. You'll get a a better answer than you would if you try to figure it out without her input, and you'll get it faster. And if it's a good answer, then great, you can get started on the next step all the more sooner. And if it's a bad answer, then as long as you got along well with each other before, and you handle your disappointment like a halfway reasonable and mature adult, it's not going to turn everything into a mess. That's my thought, in light of having recently had this same problem. Of course, maybe getting an answer isn't your primary or only goal at the moment. There's something to be said for enjoying the anticipation that you can wring out of trying to analyze every interaction you have with her. I don't think that's bad. It's just risky. If you're going to go that way with it, be careful.
  15. I'd tack onto that the suggestion that you'll generally be better off explaining any problems you have in a calm, maybe even under-stated kind of way. Most INTJs like solving problems and enjoy making their partners happy. It's nice when we can combine the two and make our partner happy by solving a problem. But that requires a good understanding of what the problem is. And most INTJs are also spooked by strong expressions of emotion (especially negative emotions directed at them), so we tend to either flee the scene when we sense drama, or else we forget about fixing the problem and just start throwing stones back at you, and then sulk for a long time (either explicitly, or by holding that episode against you and quietly resenting you for it).