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Everything posted by Antares

  1. This is how I see it as well. To me, marriage and the family within in the marriage comes first, even if the family is just the two of us. Unless we're the last people on earth who are qualified to take care of these kids, if my partner is unwilling I would totally be okay with them declining. Before the kids are adopted, they are outside of the marriage/family, and thus their adoption is contingent on its not hurting the marriage. I think people who are unwilling shouldn't adopt children anyway. Not only is it bad for the kids, it's bad for the unwilling person. There must be other candidates.
  2. My priorities were to not fail at school. In many ways they still are.
  3. Or not being Japanese. I find it almost impossible not to offend a Japanese in some way inadvertently if you just spend enough time talking to them.
  4. I found two tests. Both are good in different ways. So, in accordance with my obsession with Philosophy (who wouldn't be, if they were taking AP Euro?), I've decided to post both. http://helloquizzy.okcupid.com/tests/the-philosophical-archetype-test
  5. Over the years every time I've been approached by somebody on the street it has been to 1. solicit money 2. try to trick me 3. solicit sex 4. one grabbing attempt by a dirty looking man. I used to be very naive and trusting and I used to stop a lot for people thinking if they needed help and I should help them. One lady who's always trying to trick tourists, I met on three different occasions in three different locations, and each time she didn't recognize me. But the kicker is each time she picks me! Out of everybody in the room! I don't know why I attract these things. Nowadays I adopt the policy of ignoring everyone on the streets regardless of who they are and what they want to talk about because I've learned over the years that the outcome they want from our interaction usually benefits them and in most cases harms me, and lately it's become a force of habit. Which is an extreme position, but lately I've started feeling guilty about it. This week, I was entering a supermarket and listening to music on my phone. I was at the entrance at the same time as an old man in a wheel chair. He said something. Not knowing German (so it's not a language I understand unless I was paying attention, which I was NOT) and being preoccupied by my music I didn't know what he wanted or if he was speaking to me. Furthermore it was not a situation that I would think he needed help with. There's a slight ramp on the ground. The ramp is REALLY shallow to the extent I didn't even know it was there because I'm able bodied and to me it felt like flat ground. But a split second after going inside my brain fog cleared and I realized he probably needed help. Even then I didn't know what he needed help with because I failed to notice the ramp as I came back out of the supermarket. It was only when I started pushing his wheel chair did I realize that 1. there IS a ramp 2. what a difficult ramp it really was (something in the stupid design no doubt). To think I was a hair's breadth away from being an asshole who walked away from an old man needing help. And I guess this is a symptom of my Aspergers but I'm notoriously bad at reading other people's intentions nonverbally. It's very difficult for me to judge the situation on a case by case basis because that'd require more EQ than I have- once, a taxi driver (who, thinking back, didn't seem to have proper license) approached me and offered me a ride and I took it because I was sort of scared in a foreign city and there were no other taxis around. Then when I got to my destination he cornered me and got $400 out of me. This is the kind of situation I routinely get myself into when I used to let people talk to me. So I don't know what to do about my blanket position but I feel like it's too extreme.
  6. Just because she prefers his baby doesn't mean he's obligated to give her one. If he says yes to this, the benefit is that she will have HIS sperm over all others. But the drawback for him is that he can potentially be on the hook for the next 18 years. I'm not sure there really is a way for most reasonable people to reproduce without being tied to each other for a LONG time.
  7. My roommate (he's much older than I am) and I were talking about the subject of parenthood and keeping your identity after parenthood. He has a long term girlfriend and they're talking about having kids at some future point in time (maybe a couple of years?). And one thing we both noticed is that after having kids, people change drastically. But namely, their lives start revolving around their children in a way that, to onlookers without children, their identity has been subsumed. He told me about how, among his parent friends (I don't have any, since I'm younger), a lot of them are expected to attend events revolving around kids. How at certain school events parents have to show up and help decorate (I forgot his specific examples). How when he hangs out with them, they no longer can go to the movie theaters because their kids need to be put to bed. How they can barely talk about anything anymore aside from their children. They no longer talk about their intellectual interests or hobbies, that they're always involved in some children-related social event. It's not whether they enjoy it nor not, but that it's expected and that other parents and teachers will criticize them if they don't. To him that's his biggest fear, that he can't just be a parent, that he has to join the "parent club" or something, and hang out with other parents and do kid oriented stuff with other parents or else be branded a bad parent. I'm wondering, for INTJ parents, is that something you've experienced? If yes, how do you combat them? How do you deal with other people criticizing the fact that you're not super involved in the parent community? What about being completely uninvolved? Is that possible or desirable? How does one keep one's pre-baby identity?
  8. Ahhh. He might have made a fool of me then. I concede the point.
  9. He's not making a scientific statement though. He appears to be making a moral statement that summarizes as "We should do what's best for those molecules in the centers of our cells so they can continue to exist in this world." To which I say: Good for you, if that's what you want.
  10. The rest of what you're saying I get. But where did the word "enemy" come from? Is that really relevant in the parenting/teacher circles? What would being an enemy to them even look like?
  11. I don't think this is on men, to be honest. Coming from a woman. I have never met a man who really cared how your nails are done, for instance. I think what many men are not mentioning is that you must be attractive, but nobody ever said you had to be perfect and immaculate, ready to grace a magazine cover or go down the runway. I think sometimes women get competitive with magazine covers rather than other real women though. I don't think you have to put in a lot of effort to be competitive. My experience is that a man has to find you attractive enough, not that you have to be perfect or always be the hottest. Being enough is not really hard. Wear feminine/attractive clothes. Have good hygiene. Smile. I've asked my boyfriend (and exes) for things like nails advice in the past. They look at me like: "are you kidding? What makes you think I would have an opinion on THAT?" I don't even think they care about make up all that much. Once I asked my boyfriend which color of chapstick I should get. He was visibly annoyed. I told him to pick. He just went in there, picked out a random color and was like "THERE. Now can we leave?" So I would say they really care about the big picture but not the minutiae. In fact the only time my boyfriend has ever raised an opinion about my appearance was the brief spell I took to wearing baggy shirts and sweatpants everywhere. The obsessive perfectionism is something we do to ourselves though.
  12. That's quite a gamble you're making with the life of a child.
  13. In mathematics we frequently talk about necessarily and sufficient conditions in order for something to be true. For most men I think attraction is necessary. But not sufficient. As such it's hard to say what's the number one reason for a man to commit himself with a woman. Personally I think the number one reason for a man to commit himself to a woman is if she has the right combinations of virtues and vices, namely virtues you really want or NEED in a relationship (like physical attraction) and vices that you can tolerate (different way of squeezing the toothpaste vs. stealing from old ladies). And taking care of one's appearance seems to be a necessarily but not sufficient virtue. I have not seen many men who commit to a woman by beauty alone. If she has a horrible character they "next" her all the same. Let's say a man needs more than 70/100 points to be committed to a woman. A woman's extraordinary beauty might give her 60 points (but let's say her mean spiritedness gives her -40 points) whereas a kind, compassionate, smart, and pretty (but not super beautiful) woman gets 90 points. Of course how many points a woman gets for her beauty (in his eyes. beauty is in the eyes of the beholder blah blah blah) is dependent on the man evaluating her. With a wise man she might get fewer points. With guys like my cousin he'd commit to her regardless of her terrible personality.
  14. You also ignored the rules of social engagement if there can be said to have any rules. Rule 1: It's polite to introduce yourself Rule 2: If people shows they do not want to interact with you, you do not interact with them. The other person broke Rule 1. You broke Rule 2. And yes rules can conflict with each other. There's nothing to suggest that our Ape brains can come up with a comprehensive and perfectly coherent system of rules that never contradicts itself.
  15. Yeah. I see that. And I guess I don't want that. I don't mind being a devoted parent and helping with homework and meeting the teachers to make sure my kid is on track. I don't want to be their friends or even be on first name basis with them. The teachers and other parents and I should have a working/acquaintance level relationship and nothing more unless we also get along as people. But I don't want a social life that revolves around parenting more than strictly necessary. I don't want to make friends with other parents just because our kids go to the same school. I don't want to host potlucks for my kid's class and their parents. I don't want to bake cakes for my kid's soccer game. I just want to parent privately at home and get as uninvolved in the social life as possible because I'm a private person and when I get off work (which is socializing) I just want private time at home with my husband and my kids (if they also are introverts who like to stay home. If they don't like saying home until dinnertime that's fine with me). I don't want a public life at all. I guess I want to do what my parents did. They had their jobs, they helped with homework, they met my teachers during parent teacher conferences and they drove me around so I could hang out with my friends but they mostly stayed out of my school life.
  16. I think everyone's had the experience where their parents or grandparents tell them a certain thing, like "don't drive to fast" or "eat your veggies" or "don't start smoking". Sometimes it's "because I made that mistake and I paid for it", or "I saw/heard other people made that mistake and they paid for it". And most people manage to internalize and really follow some of that, but not all of them so a lot of us do end up making the same mistakes our forbears made. But what if we take that to the extremes? consider this: Suppose we start a colony of humans in a place where the environment is mostly constant for many generations (so good advice will hold for many generations), and suppose further that all of these humans have the ability to perfectly implement the good advice given to them. In the real world parents sometimes give bad advice but here we disregard that scenario. Let's say the first generation makes a certain set of mistakes. They warn their offspring against them. Their offspring perfectly avoids these mistakes but makes another set of mistakes. They warn their offspring about these AND the ones passed down to them. etc. Eventually that family will have more or less exhausted the list of things you can really do wrong in your environment, so after a certain number of generations they always pick the most nutritious berries, farm the most productive way, marry the best people, avoid natural and human catastrophes, etc. In other words they do everything right and never have to make their own mistakes. Their lives are perfect, as in, they always made the optimal choice given the circumstances. They almost never have to struggle, because through the wisdom of many generations past they've become so good at living that even when bad times do strike they're so ridiculously prepared for it, it hardly hurts them, and many of the bad things that befall other people, never befalls them because through their inhumanly perfect choices it will never happen to them. Would you want to live like that?
  17. This behavior looks like the other person WANTS to ignore you and you're not letting him. Hence the weirdness. People always act weird when you call people out. By going up there and introducing yourself when the other person was passive-aggressively trying to ignore you means 1. you noticed their avoidant behavior 2. you chose not to honor that. It's sort of like a teacher calling on you specifically because you did NOT raise your hand and was religious studying your thighs to avoid eye contact. It causes all kinds of weirdness. Or maybe that person's religious cult has always prophesized that the Antichrist looks like EchoFlame. Who knows. ...... added to this post 11 minutes later: I don't do this with my name but with my nationality. I'm a Chinese who was raised in American culture and has a strong American accent. But I am not an American national and didn't really grow up in America either. When I tell them one thing or the other I always get asked: "Wow how is your English so good" (If I tell them I'm Chinese) and if I tell them I'm American, "How come you look Chinese" and then ask some other question that would require me to either give them my life story or shut them down and walk away. Look. I don't really want to talk about it. Go away.
  18. You're right. He doesn't take pressure well and is a bit conformist even when he doesn't want to be. I have less of a hard time saying "fuck that" but he's a people pleaser. He complains about being used too. To quibble on this (it has nothing to do with the rest of the thread), it's because most people have a limit well of energy and a limited number of things they have the mental resources to be smart about. And yes, working smart is great. It seems like you have it figured out. Unfortunately most people haven't and it's unclear that they can really implement your methodology even if they learn it. This is why there is a literal cacophony of books investigating why google, facebook, steve jobs, etc. were so successful and what habits CEOs have and millions upon millions of people have read them but they can't implement it to the same effect. Studies show that we're awful at multitasking. This is why single mothers don't tend to do well in universities. So for a single mother she's not only taking on the job of two people (mother and father) she's also doing a part time job and taking a demanding courseload, whereas your average university student find it hard to work smart enough to even take on one of these roles (the courseload part). For instance I don't know "10,000 Hour Rule" is true but I do think it's true that a big part of mastery is just putting in the hours. I won't quibble over exactly how many because I don't know, but it's MANY. Children also require many hours. Sleeping/eating also require many hours (some might argue the most hours of all). Along with exercise, housework, vacation, break, etc. You can work as smart as you want but if you want to master anything, parenting or otherwise, you need to put in the hours. And number of hours in a day is absolute. And energy is absolute. it's entirely possible that CEOs who are also great parents and poets and such are simply more energetic than your average joe. So its entirely possible that your average-energy Joe needs to put in more hours than you to succeed at everything on the same level. So let's say you have a time pie. You burn through things quicker and more efficiently so you can do 5 things in th allotted time. Joe can only do 2.
  19. Who gave us that objective?
  20. Fine. Yes. I have observed that for a lot of women money is a factor, even if subconscious. Not for me and a lot of females though. I wouldn't have used all the beauty and power y'all claim i have in my early 20s dating men who are one paycheck from broke otherwise. I mean if you really want to hear things straight from a woman why are you here? If you think we're all being dishonest to you then go lurk some female forum or the comment sections of fashion and dating websites and partake in some voyeurism. You have no cause to doubt their sincerity there. For the most part they're not expecting to have men read what they say.
  21. I didn't read the whole thread. But I mean. Being a cisgendered straight female, even I don't see how that would confuse anyone. kids are aware of sexuality and gender. They really are. And being a tomboy I was all too aware of it. My mother used to always berate me for not conforming to my gender role. My cousin made fun of me for being a girl. My classmates thought I acted like a guy. I never thought of myself as a guy and admittedly after I learned about transgenderism I briefly entertained the idea but the idea is absurd. I just don't feel like a guy. I was called a tomboy because of society's prejudice of what a girl could be. But I mean, of all of the cis kids who could possibly have been confused by this, I was probably on top of that pile and I just wasn't. And when I learned about homosexuality and bisexuality I acknowledged that some of my past feelings towards girls were probably sexual/romantic in nature (and similar to my overwhelmingly more frequent crushes on guys) and that's it. I never even flirted with the idea that I might be lesbian or even all that bisexual. I'm just not. And I learned about homosexuality when I was like 8 and not because anyone tried to teach me. And I honestly didn't know what was so wrong with it. When I was 10 a Christian girl and I got into an argument about it. SHE was clearly deliberately taught about homosexuality and thought it was wrong. Somehow people who object to teaching about homosexuality never make as much fuss about teaching it in the other direction. As a parent, given that there's a low chance that my child will end up LGBTQ (because only a small population is) I probably wouldn't make my kid watch this too early if I didn't think my kid might be one because there are many other things to teach your child as well and it just wouldn't be a huge priority (unless I start seeing anti LGBTQ sentiments from my kid) But yeah if they ARE then these videos are excellent resources to normalize homosexual/trans feelings. There I said it. Normalizing is not trying to show it's common when it's not. It's to show that other people are like you and you're okay.
  22. My boyfriend is my closest friend right now if I can be said to have many friends. I have a best (platonic) friend as well but we don't hang out nearly as much. Whenever my boyfriend and I are not acting like lovebirds we basically acted like me and my best friend hanging out. I wouldn't be with him otherwise. As a result we want each other around all the time. For the friendship when we're not horny. For the quiet times when we want solitude. And for the romance when we want it. He's like a Swiss Army knife of relationships. the reason I think people separate the roles is that romantic relationships tend to be more volatile and when the relationship ends so does the friendship so it makes less sense to consider it the same as a platonic friendship. They do not belong in the same category so you can't really rank your SO as being closer/not as close as any other friend because one is your life partner and therefore will see you in a different light and interact with you in a different way. I know that if my boyfriend and I broke up we would likely no longer be friends. My best friend will remain however. We've been friends for four years. Four times the length of my longest relationship.
  23. I read through the whole thread so here's my take on it. 1. You and your wife are both EXTREMELY not self aware and bad at communication (you shouldn't have called her crazy. She shouldn't have flipped out) 2. This is both your faults But since you're the one here asking the question and not here I'm going to harp on YOUR faults so here goes. you seem to think that saying you're a "NICE GUY" in the OP is some kind of badge of honor. And on the internet "nice" is too often used this way. As another word for doormat behavior. Yes. Sorry if that sounds bad. But you're letting her walk all over you. Like how did you let her push you into something as life changing and consequential as HAVING A BABY when you don't want it? what makes you think constantly bending over backwards for your wife is acceptable behavior for the health of your relationship? she sounds aggressive as is. You're just enabling her. Why is she so controlling and disrespectful of your boundaries? Can it be because you're so poor at setting them that as far as an aggressive personality like hers is concerned, you've never set any? Has any relationship you've ever witnessed where one partner always gives into the other worked out well? Your resentment is on the verge of ending this relationship. So no it's NOT a good thing that you bend over backwards for her at every turn and you want to make it into one. You frame it as sacrificing your happiness for hers. Fine. Call it that if you want. Chronically doing so is not virtue either. Failing to stand up for yourself, allowing resentment to brew then once it has hit a certain level, nuking the relationship is NOT a virtue. Avoiding conflict is not resolving them. That's your problem there. You two needed counseling last year. She has control issues too. Go see a therapist. Seriously. Pause the fertility treatments until this is resolved. And move out of her parents' house. Or just divorce her. Looks like this is what you want to hear anyway. You don't need our permission. If you want to do it then do something on your own and for yourself.
  24. This is actually the thing I'm driving at. A lot of times people say: "Well, thankfully I made that mistake early. I learned." But if learning to not make that mistake is the point, then it seems the real goal is not making the mistake, why isn't it more desirable to never have made the mistake in the first place? Or is your actual point more along the lines of "life is a journey, not a destination"? Then can these mistakes really be called mistakes? If making too many mistakes is a mistake (e.g. somebody who kills someone in a street fight at 13, steals money from her parents and bankrupting them, deals drugs, gets pregnant at 15, never goes to college, abuses her child, etc. is certainly not too enviable of a "journey"), and not making any mistakes is a mistake, then what is one to do?
  25. I mean, by definition. Meaning has to be to some observer. I have yet to see "meaning" used in a context where it is not implied that the meaning is to somebody. In other words in speech we really don't see "meaning" used on its own, without an implied observer. And by "objectively meaningless" I assume the speaker of the phrase you quoted (if anyone actually said that) wants to say, "the universe, human beings etc. etc." are do not mean anything to anyone who's not, well, us humans and perhaps a few other intelligent species, or things capable of interpreting things. If something means something to you, then that means you're perceiving and interpreting it. A rock, presumably cannot do that. So the universe and human beings are meaningless to my water bottle. You could say, ok, you're being presumptuous when you say rocks and water bottles cannot make meaning out of something. You're being presumptuous when you say they are incapable of interpreting and giving meaning to phenomena. Maybe they have souls. Maybe they have an intelligence. How would you know that they don't? You're right. I don't know. But even then, if my water bottle were able to make meaning out of something, it'd become a subject. So it's still subjectively meaningful. So yes, the statement you quoted would be true by definition. Because for a phenomenon to have any meaning there has to be an intelligence, a subject (hence, not objective) interpreting it. Sort of like, if a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, is there still a sound? The correct answer is no. No one is arguing that it does not produce waves that if someone were around, would be constructed into a sound in that someone's brain. But without anyone being around there is not a sound. Just waves. Does computer code mean anything to a dog? Will it matter to the dog if I present to it a slightly bugged version of a code? No it would not. To the dog the computer code is meaningless. It's also meaningless to me most of the time. Does it mean something to somebody out there? Probably. It simply implies my dog and I are not the right interpreters of code, but if you supply the right interpreter it will have meaning. I imagine there is a set of things for which the no right interpreter exists. Thus they have no meaning to anyone or anything.