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Moonheart

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About Moonheart

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    INTJ

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  1. 40 years old INTJ here. Looks have to not be below a given threshold, because romance include sex, and it's hard to enjoy sex if the look is a complete "no go" Now, once it's in the "acceptable" range, I just stop looking at it as a parameter for a LTR because look is going to change anyway, and what I'll truly live with is the personality. Naturaly a better look is still a plus, but for an assessment, it somehow look like this: Acceptable look > Personality > Beauty Now for your second point. If an INTJ is not motivated to be more than a friend, it could come from many different reasons as we like to analyze all factors before taking . You are not going to get an answer from this forum as we don't know this one.
  2. I have a rethorical question here : Is she truly uneven to you, or are you confusing the specialization of her mind toward the sensing function as an inferiority? Sensing types are more talented to process immediate or past data than abstract, prospectives subjects. If you tall about abstract topics, she will likely not going to follow your pace, but she perhaps feels the same when looking at your capacity to perceive and evaluate accurately what is happening at the very present time. I'll quote Einstein here: "Everyone is a genius, but if you keep judging a fish to its talent to climb to trees, the fish will ever see itself as stupid" Perhaps you just didn't truly grasp the good points that come with her dominant sensing function, which cause you to have a distorted view of the intellectual balance between you two
  3. You know, there are genuine nice guys on that planet, people who are naturaly nice. They could have ulterior motives on top of that, but even outside ulterior motives, those guys stay nice, considered and generous people. However this doesn't prevent them to suffer from a large prejudice when it comes to intimate relationships. There are several causes to this: First... Well you illustrated it yourself: Because there are false nice guys, a nice guy is often regarded with defiance by women. "Is he authentic or not? Isn't he trying to just bullshit me?". And the nicer this genuine man will be, the harder it will make for him to be trusted... because "looks too good to be real" Second, of someone is geniunly nice, you don't have to have go be with him to get the advantage of his kindness. You already get everything from him without giving anything from your side. So why bother to be more than friends? The third point is related to this: The guy is geniunly nice, so he's nice to everyone, so the woman he try to win doesn't feel any special to recieve his kindness. While a complete asshole who suddenly show a single hint of an even ridiculously low amount of consideration will make feel the woman "unique" Fourth, being nice make things complicated. An asshole doesn't care about the amount of bullshit he throws in his words, while the nice guy worry to be honest with the woman. It make the asshole looking self-assured and confident, and the nice one looking hesitant, word-seeking..... and women love assurance, it gives them a reassuring feeling He takes a lot of time to nice guys to understand that they need to hold back on their kindness to have some chances. Many of them just accumulate emotional scars until they end disgusted with their own nature. I loved several women that just never seen me other than a friend, and instead jumped in the arm of complete assholes who broke them deep to the core. Then because I'm nice I helped them to get better, time during which they never missed an opportunity to describe what a wonderful guy I was... how lucky would be the girl to fall in love with me... only to see them jump in the arm of another assholes. My romanic relationships only started when I learned to be sightly mean, during my thirties. Sightly because I can't change who I am, but you know what? I learned that love is a conquest: Better be a good monarch once you conquered the land by spilling blood than being too soft during the march and get the throne taken by a true tyrant instead. ...... added to this post 12 minutes later: I know a lot who do. Included me. But I curious to hear the reason who make you think men don't like them.
  4. I couldn't explain it, but it seems to me that INFx are quite talented to understand the core of an INTJ quickly. Every time I crossed an INFx, that one understood me a lot better than the other around me, including my own relatives. Could be just a bias from my part, but it seems I'm not the only INTJ to feel that way. It was.
  5. Well, how to say? That's a pretty long post to relate the most obvious quirk about INTJ/ISTP relationships: your perceptions of the world are completly reversed. You have an auxiliary extraverted sensing function, meaning that most of the time, your attention is focused on what is here and now. You work like this, and as it feels natural to you, you think you can assess other looking at their immediate reactions (hence, the reason of your interest checks) However, your SO is an INTJ, aka, Ms Dominant Introverted Intuition. 90% of her perception is focused on abstract concepts she build, do and undo, hundred times in her own head. Your interest checks will then fail 99% of the time, because to get a real, meaningful, reaction from her, you'll first need to focus her perception on the concrete present time, which is not her nature, and which is advert to the method you're using. When dealing with an INTJ, if you need their attention for anything serious, you need to interrupt the constent, restless, and unending flow of their mind. She can seem calm on the outside, but inside her brain, it's like a content typhoon. Performing an "interest check" the way you do is like attempting to whisper softly to someone ear while being in the middle of the howling of a tornado. DON'T. It doesn't work. Her mind will grab our sentence, quickly try to classify it as important or not, urgent or not, but as you are doing this while holding back, it will get classified as mundane and be put at the lower bottom of the internal processing pile. INTJ need direct approch. We're not enough sensorialy perceptive to understand something important is going on based just on "hints". As you pointed out, it's not that we don't care. We do. But our care is thinking about the future of our relationship much more than present. It has many advantages, but it also have its pitfalls. Someone who think ten steps ahead often doesn't see what is directly under her feet. One sensing person I know, who's married to an intuitive type, told me this: "I often talk during the day, but when I need to tell something truly important, I know I have to tell him I need him to listen fully, and then wait for him to look back in my eyes saying 'I'm listening' before starting to talk." We INTJ just think too much. About too many things. All the time. We are great listeners, if you focus our attention first. But our mind is never naturaly "free for use", so you need to first make sure we put aside what our mind was processing first when you started to need it.
  6. It's sick, and sad, and reading it made me want to shed a tear for the poor ENFJ. That's a wonderful exemple of INFJ's insight. I would just add that a MBTI describe how you process things inside your head, but do not define your goal. That's not because we're good strategists that it mean our strategies serve an ill cause.
  7. You basically point out that you come after his brother, and after a childhood friend who abuse is generosity. Question: How many people do you think you come after, exactly?
  8. It's just completly natural to me to harvest data before making any move.
  9. No matter how many sentences you can quote and no matter how many "means..." you are going to put besides them, the meanings are still all YOUR interpretations of the words of someone else. And interpretations are not proofs, nor truths. It's just the way you see thing, and here, you see them wrong.
  10. No. And stating that you know better what someone was implying that this person itself is completly stupid.
  11. Nope, I was not implying anything of the sort.
  12. But you're not a psychatrist once you know a bit about cognitive functions, and even if you were a psychatrist, you shouldn't gamble your couple on a "maybe".
  13. Did you heard that Jung also had a difficult mariage, cheated on his wife for several year with two women, and that Freud qualified some of Jung's unusual dreams to be symptomatic of the failure of his relationship with his wife? :) Cognitive functions are a great help to understand people *better*, but it's not an omnipotent tool. Special cases required special answers, not blindly following a psychological categorization.... and what is more special than a SO?
  14. I'm amazed that we are here in a forum for INTJ, people rumored for seeing the greater scheme of things, and that we see so many threads asking advice on relationships through MBTI with no one giving some insight of why MBTI should be handled with an extreme caution in such situations. So, I'm going to give my Te some space, and let it tell you what I do think everyone should memorize first, before taking any decision based on a MBTI analysis. MBTI is a psychological typing method that try to classify the variety of mankind into 16 different categories based on how the human brain handle information. That simple description should learn immediately some alarm in many INTJ minds here: First, it's bound that among all people some of them will just not match accurately as you cannot integrate a large variety in a simplified classification without creating "exceptions". Second, the way someone handle information is not the only factor in their behavior: Past experiences, traumas, educations, moral values and beliefs, as well as many other things interfere with how someone acts or reacts. Those pitfalls are often used by scientist to contest the validity of the method, but besides, the method is still highly regarded by many people....why? Because despite of having flaws, the method has good results on a statistical level. If, for exemple, you seek to sort 2.000 candidate applying for a job, the method could fail at identifying correctly the adequateness of 10% of them to the said job, but with 1.800 candidates still correctly sorted and classified, you still have a lot enough to work with... and the same way, if you use MBTI to provide you guidelines over how to deal with people in everyday life, you will fail sometimes due to some pitfall of the MBTI, but it would have already helped you plenty in 9 out of 10 cases of conflicts during your lifetime. Simply put, the MBTI has a satisfying % of accuracy on a global scale... but what about the local side? Dealing with a romantic interest, SO or spouse is not dealing with a statistic. It's dealing with a local, very precise and peculiar, case of human being. And this ONE case, so precious to you, will probably trigger some, if not all, of the pitfalls of the method: It will not be accurately typed, or have special cases relevant to its past that will make their behavior astray from standard, or force themselves accordingly to some values or beliefs. Since this being is not a statistic, you can only use MBTI to deal with long terms problem, like "on all the problems I'll encounter with this one over a lifetime, many of them will be MBTI relevant, so better I be prepared for the efforts they will require from both of us in advance", but simply not as a guideline to deal with one local problem with that one special being. Naturaly, it COULD work sometimes to do so. To take the MBTI as the method to solve the matter...but what if you use it evrytime? You will then soon or later land in one of the pitfall or blind side of the method, and then alienate your SO by stubbornly trying to force a way that is just inadequate, to make the SO feel be just seen as a simplistic 4 letters category, with no real attention to what it's true nature and uniqueness is. Something that you could get along with in work or friendship situation, but certainly not in a romantic one. When speaking of dating, love and couples, the MBTI can be only used as a way to understand to associate the good and the bad side of a dominant cognitive functions as a whole, as you can learn to tolerate more the bad side for the sake of enjoying the good side of your partner. It's a tool for understanding a good part of your beloved, but not a tool to understand everything about it, nor to put it in a box and then treating it as a simplistic scheme. It's also not a tool for solving every problem you will encounter with a soulmate, and even less a tool to dismiss problems: "I'm X, you're Y, so it's normal and cannot be helped" is the worst of way to use the MBTI, and should be a banned thought in a couple situation. Your SO deserve a lot better than just finding an excuse. If there is a problem due to different MBTI types, it still means you can work on it. There is no such thing that an human unable to use all the functions if he wants, it just requires some effort if it's a function lower in your stack, but your beloved deserve that you do efforts. And naturaly, a sane relationship require efforts from both sides.