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T_metalhead

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About T_metalhead

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  • MBTI
    INTJ
  1. I received a pretty harsh door-slam from an INFJ once. I'm not sure whether he felt no remorse because he saw me as some sort of cold-hearted monster unworthy of sympathy or if he was in fact some sort of insecure, predatory bully. At every attempt I made to get back in touch and figure out why he had suddenly cut me out of his life, he would evade my questions and attack my character in the harshest possible terms. There's a potentially dangerous trap to fall into here - both the INTJ and INFJ require understanding in a relationship, but the nature of this understanding is different. While the INTJ seeks to know their partner's thoughts and reasoning, the INFJ seeks to know their partner's feelings. If either one of these needs is not met, it can result in a lot of pain for the party in question.
  2. Pretty much everything else. He's a sweet, caring, pocket-sized sex-machine. Pretty self-aware too. He knows that he's insecure and often stops himself before getting cranky about about it, but that results in us having to stop doing the thing that he was getting insecure about (usually music, which is sad cause he's a decent musician and I'd like to jam with him more). Have any insights for me regarding ISTJs and relationships?
  3. Not yet. We don't see each other terribly often and he dislikes me bringing up problems over text. Thus why I'm venting on here in the meantime.
  4. I'm not questioning whether or not he's capable of self-sacrifice. He definitely is. I'm not terribly interested in that, however. Self-sacrifice seems to me to be a terribly inefficient way of generating happiness (assuming we're referring to a willingness to neglect one's own needs to serve somone else's). What I value is a certain generosity of spirit, involving a willingness to open up and let the other partner in on their plans, desires, etc.
  5. It's actually rather fitting that you bring up the forum on lying in Asian cultures. I grew up in a North American context, but surrounded by mostly Russian/Chinese people, and I think these cultures may contain a level of directness that outshines that of many other cultures. So yes, it's partly a cultural bias that I am easily revolted by lying. However, in both of the contexts I brought up, there was also the potential for harm to be done by the lie in question. In the example with the car salesmen, he could have gotten their hopes up, making them think they were going to make a sale when they weren't. In the example with his mum, she'll likely find out that I don't celebrate Christmas at some point or other, which will presumably reflect badly on my bf when she realizes he lied to her. The reason I avoid most lies is that they usually aren't worth the effort at all. The only times I find myself habitually lying is for the sake of being concise about banal, irrelevant topics (i.e. if I left my phone at home because I didn't charge it and it died, I might replace that with simply "I forgot my phone at home"). However, what bothers me the most is lying with the ease and apparent sincerity that he does. If one can lie like that about small things, what's to say they won't about big things?
  6. Among my friends, there is no need to present myself. I'm confident in who I am and express myself as such. However, my friends are not like most people and when presenting myself in front of strangers (especially employers/people in positions of authority), I have to assume that they will not accept me for who I am and thus must present myself differently. This is not a skill that I have highly developed and thus have little confidence when doing it. My bf, on the other hand, may be just as unusual as I am on the inside, but he has perfected his facade and thus comes across as confident when he presents himself to strangers. This is all that I really mean by confidence here. I think it would be beneficial for me to develop a better professional facade and I think it would be beneficial for him to be more himself in contexts where he can get away with doing so (and hopefully become more secure in who he is in the process). But, for now, it's a source of friction.
  7. I'm afraid you're the one who interpreted it as megalomaniacal. I never said he was anything of the sort. He simply lies more often and more earnestly than I would like and, more importantly, lies on my behalf (which I don't think is OK for anyone to do without consent). Neither of us lives in a "big" city anymore and I don't think it's necessary to be more of a jerk to live in one. I simply wish him to be more authentic, to tone down his "happy-pollution", as you call it, and not be made uneasy by the slightest criticism or hint of "negative thinking" on my part.
  8. He claims that his lies make people "feel better". For instance, he was helping me do some window shopping at some car dealerships the other day and every time we talked to someone, he'd be super friendly and tell them that they'd hear from us soon (even though I haven't yet decided whether or not I will be even getting a car at all, let alone one of the ones we were looking at). On another occasion, he lied to his mother about me being with away with my family for Christmas (even though I don't celebrate Christmas) because he thought it would make her feel better/accept me more. I haven't actually made a decision yet. The thing is, he's still young (several years younger than me) and grew up in a small town, so he may still be struggling to find himself against the forces of small-town normativity. Plus, I've recently seen him take steps towards being more authentic around his friends. It's quite likely that, in accordance with his Fe, he's just going to (what I perceive to be extreme) measures to "keep the peace", which is probably more necessary to social survival in a small town than in a city such as the one I grew up in. He's also not exactly an idiot, so I think that if I can somehow demonstrate to him that his lies can cause him more harm than good, he'll agree to ease off on them. As for lying to me, I know he does, but, again, the only lies I've seen fit this pattern of wanting to make me feel better/not worry about him (i.e. acting super happy most of the time even though I know he suffers from depression).
  9. I fit into the later category - my self-esteem is generally pretty high, but have no confidence when it comes to presenting myself to other people. My current bf is the opposite - highly sensitive to criticism of any kind, yet very confident in presenting himself to other people (including when he's lying to their face), constantly bubbling over with Fe. I initially thought he was an INFJ, although that hypothesis is now leaning towards ISFJ. My question is: do you think it is possible for this dynamic to be particularly healthy? I find it hard to censure myself in order to spare his feelings and I've communicated that these criticisms are never malicious, yet I still can't bring up certain subjects with him without him getting upset. It's also started to bother me how much of a show he puts on in public, drawing attention to us with his small talk and extreme level of social nicety (which sometimes involves lying). I think we can each learn something from eachother's deficits in this regard, but I don't know whether we'll be able to put up with each other long enough to reap that benefit.
  10. That's the catch. I spend so much time trying to make things conform to my schemata that I get bored and start experimenting with something else, never getting anything done (except one mediocre album a while back that slowly drove me and my INTJ guitarist to mutual hatred).
  11. I'm composing some music right now and keep changing things cause I keep coming up with reasons why, in one sense or another, parts of the piece are theoretically unsatisfactory. I can't just go with what sounds good. It has to fit into some sort of schemata. Otherwise it is worthless drabble. And yet I have devoted much of my life to musical endeavors. Frack me.
  12. OMG YES. Especially if he gots a nice booty. Then it's mandatory.
  13. Despite my hatred for my parents, I also have a lot of compassion for them - because I share their pain. Yet, unlike them, I have sought to understand this pain and chosen not to pass it onto others as they did. They had every opportunity to reflect upon their behaviours, to seek out therapy, to heal their wounds, to apologize for the harm they inflicted upon others...but they didn't. This is what I perceive to be the real difference between our struggles - they continue running around in their closed circle of futility whilst I am consciously trying to open mine. It seems that this fact that has been too often overlooked on this forum - it is possible to have compassion for someone, but not to forgive them. You can understand a criminal all you want, but unless they take steps to atone for what they've done, forgiveness is NOT the hand they should be dealt. I'd also like to thank Xian for spilling their guts on here. I think the insights from their therapy sessions in particular have helped people such as myself on here who are dealing with similar issues.
  14. May 2015? In a community of supposed mavericks and "villains", is this seriously the most recent thread on antinatlism? In a way, I suppose it makes sense...Sch0pnPauer9001's OP was magnificent and I will definitely have to do some of his suggested reading before I attempt to rebut any of his points. One of the things that I appreciated most about the post is how it highlighted the fact that antinatlism isn't a new concept. I've recently been reading a book on Epicurus, whose philosophy could easily be construed as antinatalist, yet, thousands of years later, this topic is still highly taboo. Even on the cusp of biotechnology and robotics, which violently shake us into confronting the ethics of creating consciousness, we choose to proverbially close pandora's box. Are we really so attached to the idea of life after our own? Are we so governed by this instinct that we cannot question its validity in the way that we question herd mentality or the will to violence? Now, time for a fun quote: “You know, when we fought the Cylons, we did it to save ourselves from extinction. But we never answered the question “Why?” Why are we as a people worth saving? We still commit murder because of greed and spite, jealousy, and we still visit all of our sins upon our children. We refuse to accept the responsibility for anything that we’ve done, like we did with the Cylons. We decided to play God, create life. And when that life turned against us, we comforted ourselves in the knowledge that it really wasn’t our fault, not really. You cannot play God then wash your hands of the things that you’ve created. Sooner or later, the day comes when you can’t hide from the things that you’ve done anymore.” - Bill Adama (on accepting responsibility for one's actions)
  15. Excessive anger is certainly unhealthy in the sense that it can debilitate or cloud judgement, but small amounts can be a great source of motivation. For instance, unless we can come to loathe something, we won't be terribly inclined to change it. In designing a successor species, we should bear both of these tendencies in mind.