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bella85

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About bella85

  • Rank
    New Member

Personality

  • MBTI
    INFJ

Converted

  • Gender
    Female
  1. I'm the same way as you are. I can't stand flakiness, so when I make a plan with a friend, I follow through, even if I'm not in the mood. I treat people how I want to be treated. But I wouldn't be offended by this at all. I think you're right—he was trying to offer advice, but communicated it ineptly. "Treating friends like business clients" probably seemed like a really clever way to phrase it in his head, but he didn't factor in how you would take it. Thinking he's characterizing it as a "bad trait" is probably reading a little too much into what he said; this particular trait seems unrelated to making new friends, and more related to avoiding anxiety and hurt with existing friends. This is interesting. Have you mentioned to him that you're not concerned about his friends being flaky, and that you'll be supportive of him and friendly to them, regardless? If you haven't explicitly said this to him, he may be working under the assumption that you're going to have the same expectations for his friends that you have for your own, and that they'll inevitably disappoint you. (I'm just guessing; you two might very well have discussed this in depth, in which case, he should really know better!)
  2. As a woman who knows many female ENFPs, I can vouch for this as a solid strategy. It's pretty low-risk, too, and how she reacts is a good indicator of her intentions. You don't even have to say anything too revealing (although saying you like spending time with someone is just a nice thing to say!). My INTJ crush basically just teases me about the things he likes about me, and I think it's adorable. Also, breaking the touch barrier is usually a clue. Even extroverted women use this as a clue. If she's avoiding touch with others, this is something to take into consideration.
  3. 1. I usually know in advance. My friends and I are mostly planners. For my part, I'm unlikely to go anywhere without at least a day of notice because I have other obligations (as do my friends) and need to be able to plan accordingly. 2. Usually, yes, but it depends on the plans. If I agreed to go out of a sense of obligation, I'm relieved if there's a cancellation—for instance, if my friend wanted to go to a (loud, crowded) music festival and I agreed to go because she was so excited about it and I like spending time with her, but she ended up not wanting to go at the last minute. I breathed a sigh of relief just at the thought of that! But, for the most part, I make plans with my friends because I want to see them, and am disappointed if they flake. 3. Yes, I feel a huge sense of obligation, and I don't commit to plans unless I intend to follow through. Integrity is really important to me; I don't like it when other people are flaky (see exception above), and it would be hypocritical for me to be a flake. If I make a plan, I go through with the plan, barring an emergency. 4. I think it's workable. I could probably be more flexible about plans if I at least had a few hours' notice; I don't need to know too many details as long as I have a heads-up that something will probably be happening, and approximately what time. (I guess that's still not that spontaneous, though!) 5. I think it may be correlated to Perceiving types more than Judging, but I can think of several exceptions to this, so I haven't a clue (all of my ENFP friends are the exception). Of course, age and life stage probably have a lot more to do with this than anything; many of my friends have demanding jobs and/or demanding families/significant others, so we have to plan things in advance.
  4. I'm so sorry it turned out this way, but it's better to know now than invest a bunch of time and energy in him and have it turn out this way later. Let yourself feel what you're feeling, as intensely as you need to feel it, then keep working on yourself. You did the right thing by being honest with him.
  5. I can't say I have direct experience dating while emotionally unavailable, but I have dated someone who was, albeit very briefly because he realized he was emotionally available and ended things abruptly because he didn't want me to get too attached and didn't want to hurt me (he was an INTJ). I really resented being blindsided by his emotional unavailability (because he didn't tell me before he made this decision), and having a decision about my wellbeing made unilaterally. All that is to say, if I were in a similar situation to yours, I would probably do the same thing you're doing. It's hard to find someone you truly connect with, and I understand not wanting to take that for granted. I think what's "healthy" in a relationship is dependent on the people in the relationship, so I can't speak to whether your thoughts are healthy, per se. Familiar, yes, and I consider myself to be emotionally healthy, so take that for what it's worth. :) It does seem like you should be focusing on yourself right now, which you are, but that's not to say you shouldn't be with this guy at all, or that you can't make room for him while you're working on self-improvement; it may be wise to approach this relationship cautiously, if you aren't already (seems like you are), and take things slow. I'm sure you know this, but you're way ahead of the game by being so aware of your own limitations and forging ahead anyway. I'd say just keep lines of communication open so he knows what's on your mind and how you feel (that's probably a good rule in relationships, anyway).
  6. I'm not at all religious, so I can't speak to that, but as a female INFJ, I can tell you that I've had feelings that go against my own personal ethics, and it's very confusing. Even if he likes you, if he's anything like me, he won't cross any lines without very obvious encouragement. You never know what's going on in someone's marriage, though, and even the most moral people—in seemingly happy marriages!—are susceptible to extramarital crushes. You can befriend him, but be really careful about talking about personal lives, particularly personal problems (you should casually throw references about how great your husband is into the conversation, but not too often or he'll think you're overcompensating), and keep it mostly professional. If you or another coworker can include him in group lunches and talk to him a little, that would probably be the least risky way to approach him (i.e., "Hey, we're all going to lunch, would you like to join?"). This will depend on your office environment and how common that kind of socializing is, but it's one possible option. It's really important, if you do want to befriend him, to maintain appropriate boundaries; you'll probably know what those are, and he probably will, too. If he tests the boundaries, you'll need to reinforce them. (It'll probably take a little while for him to get comfortable enough with you to even have a friendship, so I'm projecting way into the future with this piece of advice.) I should clarify that, speaking as an attractive young-ish woman, I've been able to build and maintain friendships with male senior-level coworkers and managers (with one exception, which I coincidentally just posted about earlier). Just because they're attracted to you doesn't mean they'll do anything about it.
  7. Not an INTJ (obviously), but I'm incredibly nostalgic. I'm usually either living in the past or the future, recreating scenes or feelings that I've had at one point or the other. I remember personally significant dates and times and tend to get embarrassingly nostalgic on those anniversaries. I don't usually express most of this outwardly and tend to wallow in it when things aren't going well in the present. The two INTJs I've known really well like to recall stories of things they've done in the past, people they've known, etc. Both are really sensitive; one is surprisingly emotionally expressive. Knowing them as I do, I'd say they're nostalgic, but to what extent and how frequently, I don't know. Based on context, a lot of it seems tied to things in the present not being ideal and thinking of times past more affectionately.
  8. Series Narcos The Americans Luke Cage Documentaries/Docuseries The Seventies (a docuseries by CNN; it's on Netflix) O.J.: Made in America The Jinx (I'm not watching all of these simultaneously, lol. I just finished most of them and am currently in the midst of watching Luke Cage.)
  9. I live in the U.S., so I'm excluding my own country... Visited: Argentina Canada China France Mexico Russia Uruguay Want to visit: Australia Austria Brazil Colombia Costa Rica Croatia Cuba Egypt Finland Germany Greece Ireland Israel Italy Japan Korea (South, for obvious reasons) Monaco Myanmar Netherlands New Zealand Peru Poland Portugal Singapore Spain Switzerland Thailand Turkey United Kingdom Vietnam
  10. 1. No, the few INTJs I've known well have had the opposite effect on me. 2. Yes, my INTJ ex mentioned to me that he was intimidated by me when he first met me, but he warmed up to me really quickly. Similar interaction with the other male INTJ I know when I first met him. Female INTJs don't seem to be intimidated by me at all, fortunately! 3. I think it could either be good or bad, depending on the situation. It's a good tool to have in your arsenal if you can turn it on and off at will. :)