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About Amore

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    Me, myself & I
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    Piano, hiking, tennis, dance
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  1. Sometimes you WANT to be ignored - like if you're speeding, or if you accidentally fart. :) But I'd say that generally, one of most people's top needs is to feel significant - to be acknowledged. Some people go to extreme measures to get this - jumping through hoops to become famous, working insane hours to "prove" oneself, committing crime... Growing up, I was ignored a lot, so I am very (probably overly) sensitive to it both from others and if others might feel that way. IE: I find it really rude to stand with my back against someone - so even if it makes me awkward, I'll move so that they are included. I try to not ignore or leave anyone out, because I hated being left out or ignored. Only recently, did I realize sometimes I NEED to ignore people - like when they've been repeatedly disrespectful and I've pointed it out to them and asked them to be more respectful and they haven't. I could try to keep telling them to be kind, but sometimes not saying anything is more powerful than a million words.
  2. Being around older people like that does make you consider the bigger picture. That, and doing genealogy - finding people based on birth, marriage and death - really makes life seem short. It's difficult to imagine when people tell me they've lived in the same house or the same town their whole lives. I can't help but wonder if they're a bit narrow-minded having missed out on more diverse experiences as a result. Sure, it can be scary to travel and to move somewhere new where you have to learn where everything is, make new friends, etc., but I think that process is a healthy necessity for personal growth. And I've found that generally, people who refuse to endure that fear and experience new things, tend to be less open to new people too - more cliquish. Still, I think there are times to stay put - establish roots - like in raising kids - there's enough chaos as it is. And maybe when I get really old, it probably would be good to be in the same area - to have good community support and less things to learn/remember - when older.
  3. Thanks, that's a good way of considering it... Feelings are blocks that are trying to get our attention to process and if we do, we gain more self-awareness and general awareness. I can see truth in that. It can be really powerful to be validated by someone. Of course, ideally, self-esteem isn't dependent on it, but it can be really helpful and healing.
  4. That's similar to what I was thinking. Some people think their ideas are the objective, actual reality. They are so immersed in their own illusions, they don't even realize it's all wrapped in illusion. The flings - meaningless sex - is also illusion. In fact, sexual climaxing, especially , is so much based on illusion - what turns someone on. Only people steeped in the blue-pill mentality would think that it's the way everyone is and so just deal with it. Red-pill mentality is about waking up to what you really want beneath the superficial cravings, and meeting those, which tends to be more meaningful relationships that meet multiple needs, rather than just one. Seems OP has it reversed... "As narrated, the blue pill will allow the subject to remain in the fabricated reality of the Matrix; the red serves as a "location device" to locate the subject's body in the real world and to prepare him or her to be "unplugged" from the Matrix."
  5. I'd say, of course men and women can be superficial friends. But anything deeper, I'd say it's likely to lead to one or both wondering, then fantasizing, then acting on it.
  6. Good quote. I mean, I'm not for emotional reasoning, but at the same time, feelings are valid - even if illogical. It's when I try to push my feelings away or otherwise reject them is when they manifest themselves in more dysfunctional ways. I wonder what it really means to have healthy self-esteem. There are long lists of qualities based on capability, deserving and worth, but who I am I really? A friend was saying how the love of abstract is more unconditional (more real) than the love of concrete/specific. Kind of like Plato's ideas of forms... If I love my child for being so little, cute and adorable, what happens when he grows up to be big, awkward and full of zits? But if I love my child because I love the abstract idea of who a person is - a work in progress - growing and always changing - then I'll love my child more unconditionally through every stage. And maybe similar to myself... if I love who I am because I'm so good at piano, or teaching or whatever skill... then what happens if that's taken away? But if I love the abstract idea of myself - as a human spiritual being, then nothing can shake that kind of self-esteem. I suppose it's a question of really imagining and believing in a specific yet adaptable idea of me and each person in an eternal perspective. In an ideal world, there would be no unfair comparisons and all would be treated fairly. My mom (who has BPD) tends to go with the mentality of suddenly disliking or disrespecting anybody who shows they care for her. I used to think it was just taking someone for granted, as most people do with people they live with - they sense they will care no matter what so they don't have to try as hard. And that may be part of it, but it's also very low self-esteem - I know because I went with her to a therapy group and she broke down and said so (unique experience that was).
  7. Yeah, I think that makes sense. Self esteem seems to be interdependent with others-esteem and relating. Also, seeing in terms of polarized thinking... as if one person must be better or worse than another. A lot of society seems to judge by factors that are not inherent at all - but often luck. IE: Take a rich famous person, compared to a really poor person working in a market in a poor country. From one perspective, we all know that all people are of inherent worth, but society & probably a lot of our parents teach that having money, education, fame, admiration etc. makes one more valuable. Another possibility is the idea, "I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member." If one has really low self-esteem AND is somewhat co-dependent, there may be a tendency to disrespect someone if they show interest in a relationship. This (attachment disorder) is pretty similar or related to emotional deprivation life trap.
  8. I promised our kids we'd get a dog when the youngest was potty trained. They begged me & almost got me to get one before, but I refused. I knew I'd be the one primarily taking care of her - or reminding whoever's on that chore that week to. Dogs are really good for kids- she helps them learn responsibility and kind of a sense of forgiveness & love. It's cute when 2 of my kids are fighting and have to go to time out - they both try to get our dog to go to them. :) When I was a teen, sometimes I'd come home late at night, feeling kind of down, and my dog would be my best friend - just there for me any time. Still, I do know what you mean about getting annoyed when you need your space - that's what the kennel's for. But it also annoys me when she stares at me when she wants food or sometimes I'll be doing something and she'll nudge me to pet her. She's really a sweet heart, but she can be a bit invasive at times. But if I get upset with her and tell her to go to her bed, she will.
  9. I agree... "smart selfishness" is intelligent. Stupid selfishness isn't. Stephen Hawking defined intelligence as "the ability to adapt to change" which is essentially evolution, though I'd say that with smart selfishness (considering others besides self), it isn't just about adapting, but also thriving.
  10. I agree with what Doll said. Maybe he's clueless and once he understand how you feel, he'll step it up. But I also think it's good to be somewhat selective in how much energy you invest in someone. Actions speak louder than words. If you've been dissed by him repeatedly, it's a sign that it's best to expect more of the same so you're not disappointed. Then again, it could be that he likes hanging out with you under more casual circumstances - not so much studying - maybe intimidated or whatever. More and more, I've realized friends serve different functions. There are friends who I meet for lunch and we talk about superficial facts in our lives. Then, there are friends based on past connections, friends based on deep emotional connections, friends of convenience, etc.... (But you probably already knew this.)
  11. It's huge - especially for women! Do you have any little brothers or sisters, or little nieces or nephews that you could help take care of? Generally, maybe start thinking "how would this person feel if I said or did this" before you say or do it. And ask people, "What do you think (or feel) about....?" Also, I'll tell you what I told my brother when he was back in the dating scene - hang out in places where the kind of girl you're interested in would hang out (probably not bars ).
  12. I agree. Not that joy and feeling good is my highest goal, but it is a motivating one. I'd say also knowing that there are people suffering - especially because of their own ignorance - motivates me to try to help educate and reduce suffering - even if I'm made out to be the bad guy.
  13. Well put. ...... added to this post 2 minutes later: It's easy (and hypocritical) for you (being allowed to live and not inhumanely killed) to say that OTHERS should be killed just because they aren't old enough to warrant the right to live. Abortion is murder - it's stopping a beating heart of a developing human being - through ripping his/ her body apart -often after 8 weeks, when all body systems are intact, including the nervous system which means these children FEEL the pain of being ripped apart. Finally, some states are requiring some abortions to administer pain relief to these poor children suffering age-related discrimination and horrific genocide.
  14. To me, the VAST MAJORITY of people on mind-altering meds do not really need them and in taking them not only are they screwing themselves over psychologically and physically, many are wimps. They can't handle pain - so they pop pills first sign that life is actually challenging. And then, they become apathetic - and have little to no empathy for others because they're numbed up on meds, and they wonder why their relationships suck. This is generally, of course, "Sweetcakes."
  15. The difficult thing sometimes is for YOU to let go - to really let go of any attachments or sense of obligation toward them when they repeatedly showed they don't respect you.