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AOA

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About AOA

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    Core Member

Personality

  • MBTI
    eNFJ

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  • Biography
    No thank you.
  • Gender
    Female
  • Personal Text
    Cat Enthusiast

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  1. Hello forum, I haven't posted in a while but I remembered this thread from a long time ago. The "fat" friend has gained even more weight. She is now at a point where she will not fit into a plane seat/bus seat anymore. She is also coming to Vegas with the same group of girls this year. Thanks to all of you, I am not going to make any sort of comment on her weight or health while she's there. Does it bother me that she's fat? Yes. It honestly does. I don't understand how a person can just completely stop caring. She spends her days eating and taking photographs of the unhealthy/oversized portions she has to eat. But I also understand that it's not my business. Her body is her body and her choices are her choices. So I'll just mind my own business and have a good time, and hopefully she will have a good time too.
  2. yo! i hope you're well, and enjoying your winter.

  3. I've heard many things secondhand from her about their relationship, and I've witnessed it as well. If I had only heard things secondhand, well I can maybe pretend I don't know and act like all is fine around the two of them but it's the fact that he does this when I'm there that I can't stand. 1. He's a control freak and limits her spending. Things that he wants (electronics, kitchen stuff) is considered 'essential' and worth splurging on. Things that she wants (hairdye, new clothes) are frivolous and she doesn't need. They both make the same amount of money and contribute equally to household expenses. (side note that I think my friend is borderline on the spectrum, she's not a very emotional person and can have trouble reading situations, sometimes she will say things that are slightly offensive) 2. He manipulates my friend emotionally, because she's not a 'normal' girl in terms of emotions, he uses his measure of 'normalcy' to guilt her and get her to do what he wants. 3. He alienated his own group of friends (whom I know) because he was mean to a guy who still lived at home with his mom. He'd always put him down for that in the group, and eventually everyone decided to just cut him out for being toxic. 4. He says bad things about her friends (including me) because we go out, party and drink with boys, and he says that we're slutty because of it. (Note, this is a 30 year old man, not a 16 year old) There are too many things to list, but basically he's a toxic person and I avoided him as much as possible before they got married. A part of me thought maybe they'd break up again, but they haven't, so now it's a two for one deal and I really don't know how to deal with it.
  4. Do any of you have friends whose spouses you cannot stand? I have one girlfriend who I consider myself pretty close to, but her husband (newlyweds) is one of the most terrible people I know. He trash-talks everyone behind their backs, he belittles others for not achieving as much as he (thinks) he has, and is just a general turd. How do I know this? Well she broke up a few times with him when they were dating and told her friends this stuff. Now we all hate him, but she acts like it's all ok since they're married now. He treats her horribly and constantly puts her down in public. He calls her a 'skank' when she's wearing something revealing. The list goes on. I can't really stand seeing the two of them together because i feel the need to stand up for her when she can't seem to do it on her own (or even want to). Now that I'm at the age where people get invited everywhere in pairs, I'm having to decide between inviting her (and putting up with him) on trips or just not inviting her. Either way I feel bad. How do you deal with this?
  5. Reading some of these responses have hit me really close to home. I appreciate you guys sharing your own struggles with alcohol. A part of me told myself that I'd naturally stop over-drinking once I get older and start a family. I go to the doctor once a year to get my liver checked and if he says there are no problems, I consider myself 'safe' for another 12 months of drinking however I want. Why this became a much more pressing matter for me is due to a superficial reason. I noticed that I was experiencing a dullness in my complexion that loomed regardless of what fancy serums I was using. Fine lines, wrinkles that show up more often when I contort my forehead, dark spots, etc etc. When I compare my own complexion to those of my friends of the same age who don't drink nearly as much, they all have MUCH better (and dare I say, younger?) skin. I also look at the ladies at work who have similar drinking habits as I do in their mid 30s. They all look older than their non-drinking counterparts. Some alarmingly so. I always knew that alcohol ages you, but I thought that botox could fix wrinkles. But this is beyond wrinkles, it's an overall puffy, un-even complexion prone to redness. I don't even know how to describe it except they just LOOK OLDER. This has literally caused me so much anxiety as I realize that in 10 years, I too could look FAR older than I am. I know that whatever damage done already may never be reversed, and I really want to stop further accelerating my own skin's deterioration. Again, a superficial reason that I'm sure many of you will roll your eyes at. But it's scared me enough to really re-examine my choices. I need to drink less. I know this. But I need to figure out a healthy, reasonable level that will allow me to live without regrets.
  6. The reason I drink is because a) I really enjoy the taste of certain alcohol, such as red wine, certain beers, and gin. If you gave me whiskey or white wine or something I don't like, I'd rather not drink it (unless like I said before, I'm already drunk because at that point I will drink anything) b) I am often exposed to alcohol in my work and social environments, being in sales I'm expected to be both socialable and able to handle my liquor, happy hour is every weekday, a beer over lunch is not uncommon though I try to not do it too much, I am unwilling to give it up for an extended period of time c) people around me minimize my drinking, coworkers (who drink the same amount) tell me that when I'm over 30 and have kids I will have no time to drink, party friends tell me I'll get over it, even my last doctor when I brought it up didn't act like it was a big deal, he said I drink a lot but it doesn't seem like I have a problem I almost feel like people give me positive discrimination because on the surface I have my shit together and I'm responsible. How can I be an alcoholic? I know without a doubt I drink too much for it to be 'moderate' especially for my weight, but people are so hesitant to even call me anything close to an alcoholic, so maybe it's my anxiety speaking and overthinking about the label.
  7. Hey, I really appreciate everyone taking time to respond. Sorry I can’t quote you individually right now but I’ve read everything and am absorbing slowly. On the note of the drunk driving, I have never driven drunk and (hopefully) I never will. I live downtown so everywhere is only a $10 cab ride away. If it's out of my area I always make sure I don't drink or someone else is DD. Don’t worry. I’m the one yelling at other people who I suspect might be drunk driving. The one thing that I'm concerned about involving drunk driving is this, I don't get into other people's vehicles when they've been drinking. If I can't stop that behaviour, I won't put myself at risk. I'd rather pay for my own ride home. But if I get to the point of super drunkeness, I don't have the judgment to decide if another person is drunk or not, I'm just grateful for the ride home. So I honestly worry that someone else will drunk drive and get me killed too. That's another reason I want to stop getting blackout drunk.
  8. I like myself a lot more when I'm a drink in. I'm less self conscious, less anxious, I'm more relaxed, I'm funnier, I'm confident. My ideal drinking lifestyle is to have one drink in the evening every night, and maybe two or three on nights out. I think at that level it would not interfere with my life or impair my decision making, and I can accept the health risks associated with moderate drinking. The problem is, sometimes it's like a switch inside me flips. Even though I go into the night telling myself I will switch to water at 3, I never know if I will manage or if the alcohol will take over. Some nights I can't stop drinking until I black out or pass out. At some point my brain stops being in control and I just need another drink. When normally my tastes prefer red wines and ales, once I'm at that point you can give me malt liquor, cheap tequila, or even your half-finished drink and I will drink it. When my friends try to stop me, I lash out at them and get angry. I apologize the day after, and they say, "It's fine, we know it's not you." but I still feel like I've failed. I'm very lucky because many nights I don't remember how I got home. I know this. The thing is, some nights I can stop at 3. I can have a normal, socially responsible level of intoxicated fun. But I never know which I'm going to get. Right now it's about 50/50. I read online that certain types of people genetically are more prone to alcohol addiction than others. They say that addicts can never drink moderately like regular people, they must practice total abstinence because their brains are wired differently. They will never stop craving alcohol. Some can stop for months, even years, but as long as they have one drink, that little part kicks back in. I'm 26, I'm a female. Do you guys have any experience with the above? Have any of you been heavy drinkers and have you been able to go back to a moderate level of drinking? (I don't expect non-drinkers to understand, but you are welcome to offer your opinion or judgement)
  9. I agree. Much better to raise children with their grandparents, who actually love them. I waited until my son was 4 to put him in daycare, but luckily at that age he was really ready for it. And though he started off socially behind than the other children, it didn't take long for him to match them, so I don't agree with the whole "better socialization" angle.

  10. thank you for the recommendation, I'll check it out :)

  11. Ya but regardless of level of health, if you push someone into a corner they will activate defense mechanisms. If people here really cared about ‘what is right’ for all parties involved they could do a little better on the empathy part and sympathize with Bees instead of saying just she’s an evil person with childish emotional impulses. But people here care more about maintaining a moral high ground and pointing fingers than actually helping anyone. Like, it’s not ideal to love someone who’s taken, but it happens and can happen to anyone. When you’re in that situation it’s hard to think about it from the 3rd party’s perspective. Now take into consideration that Bees knew this INTJ before he was engaged, and that history makes it even harder to see things objectively. Like “you’re a homewrecker!!!! Evil slut whore shame devil” isn’t exactly constructive. (not saying you, Distance, your discussion with Bees has been fine and helpful) ----- Bees, you should really figure out if AND how much this INTJ is into you before you proclaim any feelings for him. Otherwise there is no benefit to anyone if he's not in love with you anymore.
  12. i like the diagram

  13. ENFJs by nature I think like to brainstorm potentials out loud. They like to solicit the opinions of other people, maybe not to follow those opinions as advice, but simply to consider and understand various POVs. It's only when they feel attacked that they become 'decisive' as a defense mechanism. You will have a lot more success being gentle with an ENFJ if you want to change their minds than to point a finger in their face telling them they're wrong.
  14. Not everyone recognizes or realizes earning potential though. So if she has a stable job while you're still in school, even though you'll make more 5 years down the line he might prefer the former. Hmm they live together. That will make it harder to separate. This is a pretty big one. Being non-Jewish might be a deal-breaker for him. I know some younger Jewish men who celebrate Christmas, but they still want their sons/daughters to be born Jewish - that's done through the woman.
  15. Based on going through your posts from 2012 - 2014, it seems like he likes you, or at least he likes the attention you give him, but that he doesn't want to date you or consider you seriously for a relationship. That's where it gets confusing for you probably, because to you, loving someone is enough to be in a relationship with them, but for an INTJ, they also consider many other facets much more important than 'the spark'. Some of the posters above brush it off as 'limerance', and it could be that he does the same thing. Basically if you want to have any chance to date this INTJ, you need to have the other aspects of your life together, I think. Like, aside from feelings compared to his fiancee, does she have a better career than you? Is she more compatible religion/morals/future-wise than you? Feelings alone will not convince a rational to run away with you.