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About AOA

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  1. You know she just wants to be your friend, you know that rejecting her advances will probably hurt her feelings, the rest is pretty much out of your control. If it's so important to you to not 'enable bad behaviour', you'll have to stick to your guns and she'll react however she is used to (likely passive aggressiveness). If you care about preserving harmony and her feelings, you'll have to compromise a bit. As an example of someone who 'crosses boundaries' regularly, I firmly believe I am right. Helping others is one of life's greatest joys for me because I honestly believe I'm doing a good thing. People have told me to back off before and then I do so. If they do it in a nice way, I won't be mad at them. But if they treat me badly or get annoyed with me, that's when I may retaliate with 'passive-aggressiveness'. Also, INTJs are not immune to passive aggressiveness. I worry that if you hold in your true feelings (annoyance) about her for too long, one day she'll cross that line and you'll explode at her. That will be far worse than just telling her now while you're still able to in a nice way.
  2. Everyone has an opinion on a woman's body, but what's important is how you feel about yourself. Only you know the true intentions for posting photos. Do you do it to show off? Do you do it because you feel confident? Do you do it for the likes? If it's coming from a healthy, happy place, then why not. Social media isn't just for yourself, it's for anyone who follows you. If you have family members who follow you and are more conservative, even if you don't care, they'll still talk about you, so that's something you just have to be prepared for. (Maybe block them?)
  3. Well, just ask her out and see. You're not asking to marry her. Maybe you will find her personality sooo attractive it will outshine her hoodies. If you're a spiffy dresser maybe she'll end up dressing more like you.
  4. Have you been in previous relationships? If so, were they all hot girls?
  5. The hair on the back of my neck pricked up so I came over. To OP: are you pre emptively rejecting her because you're afraid of being rejected?
  6. There have been a lot of good advice here and also advice that stereotypes all ESFJs into an annoying, mean girl persona. I don't believe that's helpful to the situation. Antagonizing someone won't help resolve conflict, it only builds further resentment and misunderstanding. If she is a good person, then be kind to her back. If it inconveniences you a little bit but makes her day better, it's worth it. If she consistently pushes past your boundaries, then tell her firmly but gently to give you more space. (In whatever fashion makes sense for your work) Relationships involve two people. Communication means we can't always have it our own way but must think how the other person understands things best. That's not being fake, that's simply trying to be kind. If the ESFJ is not a good person, well then it doesn't matter so much whether she likes you or not. (Just to add, I know many catty, fake and mean people, MBTI really doesn't matter. If you're mean, you will be mean.)
  7. There's something about strangers yelling at you that is threatening because other people can hear too. It draws attention to you which can be humiliating. It's fine to give a compliment discreetly though. One time this dude ran down the street and asked for my number because he thought I was beautiful, I declined but thought it a sweet gesture and I thanked him. If he yelled at me instead I'd probably be mortified.
  8. You’re an NT. You’re strategic and you’re smart. You should use those to your advantage rather than responding defensively every time she bothers you. She’s been pushing people’s boundaries for decades. It’s second nature to her, but when you try to block her attacks, it wears you down way more than her. Maybe you can redirect her energy. Make her play by your rules. It might be worth a shot to try to hot/cold approach to confuse her. For example, one day you might be super friendly and initiate conversation with her. The next day, you could be more curt and closed off when she tries to talk to you. Switch again. Switch back. Why this might work for you is that the ESFJ will wonder if they’ve done anything to upset you. The 2w3 ABHORS upsetting others. She can’t be passive-aggressive towards you ignoring her if she’s busy trying to figure out what she did wrong. Then she may try to please you once again, and she might figure out the way to do that is to leave you alone when you’re in a ‘bad’ mood. Also in this way, you’re not being defensive. You’re one step ahead and she has to respond to you. This might save your energy a bit. (This does involve you pretending to be interested in her sometimes.)
  9. Any specifics on how she is mothering you? Is it work related? Administrative? Just interrupting you?
  10. If you want them off your back I would recommend just being GENTLY direct with her (say it with a smile) but be firm, “Dear ESFJ. I appreciate you trying to help me, but I would prefer to do this on my own.” “Dear ESFJ. I appreciate you reaching out to make conversation, but when I’m working I lose my train of thought when I am interrupted.” Make sure to say something positive for every negative in order to avoid hurting their feelings. Smile. (Even if it’s not natural) Don’t be combative or hostile. I’ve found that ESFJs like certainty and consistency. They dislike not knowing what you’ll do next and will try to figure it out. If they hear the same thing a couple of times they will get the message. Unfortunately for you, just saying it once may not be sufficient (oh maybe Palladium is in a bad mood! I’ll try her again tomorrow). So make sure to be consistent in your response.
  11. Oops. That was an autocorrect and meant to say guy's car. (And also, what do you mean dig at INTJf posters? I'm an INTJf poster too ... )
  12. It’s unhealthy in that he withholds information. Maybe at the end of a relationship it doesn’t matter so much, but how about during the relationship? If there’s something he’s unhappy about – bring it up before it snowballs into a situation. I’ll tell you a story about food though. So I’m sure INTJs will find it superbly annoying, but no is not definite for some people (like me). If we care about you enough, and we believe Durian (which is a pretty extreme example) is something that you will miss out on, your no doesn’t mean no to us. It means, don’t push Async when she’s grumpy but maybe suggest it again when she’s in a good mood. As long as it’s done by a place out of love - I think it's a good thing.
  13. Okok before this thread gets closed for going off topic. My friend told me this story and I wanted to help her process it – sometimes I’m prone to over-reacting or furiously chasing down the wrong horse (is that a saying?) so in that sense it’s helpful to hear objective views from people not emotionally invested in the situation. I admit, I was pretty angry about the whole thing at the beginning and was seriously considering pulling a prank on the dude for revenge. Some of the INTJ male responses (although unpleasant) have helped me understand the dude’s perspective. If anything, he’s closer to INTJ than me or my friend, so in his head he probably didn’t see it as misleading to say what he said. He probably felt in love at the time, then he fell out of love, and he didn’t think there’s anything he can do about that. It also seems that the way he dumped her was what you guys call the ‘INTJ doorslam’ – completely processed internally, without input from the partner, and seemingly very cold and heartless. While this hurt my friend, this behavior is also not healthy for the INTJ as it prohibits him from developing relationships in which two parties work through problems together. He’s young. So hopefully he’ll work it out. They’re both imperfect. Luckily, I don’t care about him so that’s not my problem. I really appreciate everyone who took the time to write out their personal experiences. Thanks for sharing your view. You may have prevented a guy’s guy from being TPed and egged. The whole issue with consent … if she ever brings it up again, maybe I’ll take a more stern stance on it. I guess I still don’t fully understand it so I won’t get involved. -xoxo (Gossip girl is actually a dude)
  14. You should if this INTJ guy is the 'future potential'. Hedge your bets a little bit.
  15. I don’t know the dude too well but he’s very closed off – not in a ‘I’m shy’ way but in a ‘I don’t care about you’ way. When he got typed by my friend he was INTJ. A really emotionally immature one. The few times I’ve met him I’ve tried to make him feel welcome but he was rude to me and everyone else. He doesn’t see the point in ‘small talk’ or ‘trivialities’, apparently he thinks “we’re boring” but he doesn’t make an effort to steer the conversation to something else. Just sits there quietly looking angry and probably hating people in his head. It seems that somehow he decided that he wanted out, and rather than communicating about it he just dropped it on her OVER TEXT MESSAGE. Nothing she said could sway his abrupt and painful decision. There was no ‘massaging’ of her feelings either. Just “I’ll come by with your stuff” then stops talking to her completely. So it seemed like a huge slap in the face. I think she went into shock. Virgin thing and ‘uncool first time’ aside. It’s just such a DOUCHY way of breaking up with someone who loves you. Ugh. I could be completely wrong as to how important the virginity thing is. She's certainly not angry about it, she just wants the loser back.