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About ParadoxMaven

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    Respectful Leader


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    "The only thing worse than human ignorance is human pride in that ignorance."
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    Digital media, marketing, traveling, reading, writing, designing, bodybuilding
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  1. You make a lot of broad assumptions about a person without knowing anything about them. A chemical depressant (alcohol) will exacerbate depression. Due to it's direct effect on the CNS. And that has been verified. And nowhere did I ever state that this was verified thru psychology. Your assumptions are incorrect, as are your "facts". Go sit down.
  2. Fact: chemically, alcohol depresses the body's systems. All of them. FACT. It inhibits proper mental functions. FACT. It's been tested, quantified, verified and replicated. FACT.
  3. Chemistry and biology.
  4. Science.
  5. Hardly. Considering alcohol is a depressant and worsens any depression that has already taken hold. It also inhibits thinking clearly (obviously) which may lead a person to do something theyd otherwise regret, like contact their ex.
  6. Very mindblowing. I had gone to therapy a few years back after a bad breakup because I felt like I wasn't getting the needed guidance from anyone around me, whether friends or family. The therapist ended up being either INTJ or INFJ, and she was one of the most insightful people I've ever come across. If it wasn't for her, I wouldn't have started to accept that I just won't ever connect with my parents on a deeper level. It's still hard to accept to this day, because they're your parents, and you hope for and WANT that connection. I used to think the same thing. Maybe not exactly like that, but I'd think "how do you not know this? you have SO many more years on me, you're supposed to be the adult!?"....... In my 20s I never thought about the fact that I had to grow up relatively fast, but now looking back I see that I did. My coping skills were terrible for the better part of my 20s. I probably seemed irrational and crazy to some people, I'd swing from "party animal" (sensing as much as I could, using alcohol to blunt the social anxiety) to being a hermit after embarrassing myself during the extreme sensing. I was trying to fit in with the people around me, most of them being extroverts. And didn't have a solid home life to fall back on. So I was all over the place in my early years. In fact, there were quite a few years where I still had this inner innocence, this inner child that I didn't WANT to taint with the harshness of how I had to grow up. She's still there a bit. But I have a very solid, almost impenetrable wall built around her. My empathy is off the charts for people who suffer. Most likely because I had suffered through quite a lot from 17-27. Seeing something like a natural disaster in the news, or a terrorist attack, or just simply a homeless person who looks on the brink...... it tears me to shreds inside. But you would never know it looking at me. I have this insane urge to want to help the world (apparently there's quite a lot of INTJs with this same urge). But I get stuck in analysis paralysis trying to figure out my "higher purpose" or what steps to take next. I can see how this all makes me walk the fence of being 1w9 AND 1w2. I am sometimes very perfectionist, like a 1w9. But then have softer moments in which I am more diplomatic and want to help. I definitely have a sharp and witty (and sometimes dark) humor that a lot of 1w9s have, but I try not to step on other people's toes with it. If I'm aware that someone in the vicinity would be offended by a joke, I won't say it. But if I'm around others who can appreciate that it's humor, I will. Anyways, rambling at this point, but to sum it up, it's only now in my mid-thirties that I'm starting to understand myself, my type (sub-types) and sources like what you provided help greatly!
  7. This was so perfectly stated. Thank you.
  8. I do not believe he is still seeing his ex, hence why he unfollowed her and deleted their pics together. The predicament is that he is still dealing with residual effects from their breakup. And yet the trip is still pending, and he is non-communicative at the moment. It's a predicament because I don't know how to handle asking him, approaching him, leaving him alone, etc. I'm not sure WHAT to do. Because it is such an odd place to find ones-self. It's not a cut and dry type of situation/predicament.
  9. Well I purchased my own flight ticket. The other part of it was that we were going on something called "Yacht Week". He had paid for the lodging on the yacht. I can end up getting my own AirBnB if it came down to it and not end up on the yacht. But somehow I don't see that playing out. He was very adamant about making sure I wanted to go from the very beginning. At this point I'm moreso concerned with how to handle once he starts coming back around. ...... added to this post 0 minutes later: I have contemplated just asking what's up. But also don't want to pry. Anything regarding his ex really isn't my business. But yes, you are right, it is a fair question.
  10. Yes
  11. I have a weird situation... (There's another thread I started with some of the details. This is going to be more specific). I started seeing an ENFJ at the beginning of March. I learned right from the beginning that he had broken up with his last girlfriend in December, and they'd been together for about 1.5 years. But things were awesome for the first month. And then he started to get distant throughout April until he came out and stated that he can't rush into a full blown relationship (despite him acting very much ready during the first few weeks. So much so that we planned a trip to Croatia in August, as well as attending certain concerts together, etc.) I told him I understand, I'll give him all the space and time he needs. I said this mainly because there was one day in particular that stands out. He planned a surprise two weeks in advance. And it was to go to a hockey game. This was still while everything was going great. At the game he asked me if i'd be upset if he pointed out an ex or said hi to one while out. I said no, it's fine if you guys are still ok. After that day is when he started to become distant. I have a suspicion the ex saw us and contacted him. After that, distancing began. At this point he has pretty much dropped down to almost no communication. We met for coffee last week, and he asked if I still wanted to go to Croatia on the trip we'd planned, I said I did. He never put HIS input in on it though. I even asked him what he thought, and he said "No, what I think doesn't matter, I want to know how you feel about still going with me" Anyways: Here's where it's really starting to be weird. So we're at a point of very little communication. Just pleasantries here and there. So this past Sunday I noticed he had deleted all pics of him and his ex on his Instagram. I was surprised. Since he said that he and his ex were on ok terms. But I'd also noticed around the time of Easter (a month ago) he had unfollowed her on there. THEN... on Monday, I was opening the door into my apartment building, and his ex was walking OUT (he and I live in the same apartment building). She didn't look happy at all. So this is where I am now. Just this weird predicament. Not sure how to tread. We have that trip out on August. But I don't want to bring it up, or initiate any contact since I said I'd give him time and space AND now I realize he's grappling with closure with his ex. Not even going to lie, it SUCKS and hurts, because I'd really started to like him. But I can understand having to tie loose ends with an ex if they re-enter the picture. I don't really know how to proceed moving forward. I don't want to come off as too anxious or over-enthusiastic if he does start to initiate or ask to see me again. Also, I'm still wary about whether he'd even be fully over the last relationship. I was wary to begin with when he told me how soon it'd been. Now this sort of confirms that there hadn't been closure with them. But at the same time, shows that it IS going thru closure. Any input or advice on how others would handle this would be appreciated. It's such a weird, ambiguous place to be in. It's not like I can look up answers on the internet for this sort of thing So input from others on how you'd deal with it is mucho appreciated.
  12. I feel you. I was single from 2009-2013, had a 9 month relationship that shattered me. And have been single since Aug 2014. I met a guy recently, but unfortunately that hasn't been working out due to his own loose ends with an ex. So I've had to step back into singledom again. Like you, I don't care for the dating apps or websites. I've tried them, they suck the life out of me. Even though people say you have to keep trying and trying. Do we really? I feel like INTJs flourish the best when we're not trying so hard in the realm of romance. I was on cloud nine at the beginning of March just before meeting this current guy. I had just done a solo trip out to Colorado. Skiied on my own, climbed the Manitou Incline. And I had been kicking ass at work and with my hobbies. I felt amazing and like I could conquer the world. It's ALWAYS Just about the time I reach those heights that the universe drops a guy into my lap. That's what happened in 2013 too! I had just won a fitness competition when that guy dropped in my lap. Whenever I have a broken heart I avoid alcohol. It makes it worse in the long run. I try to surround myself with nurturing people. And last time I went to therapy, and it helped not only for that situation, but to boost my self-esteem as a whole. Not to mention learn how to communicate and foster better relationships. It helped me grow as a whole. I'm grateful for it. I was hesitant to go through with it, because of the stigma that gets stuck to it. But I pushed myself to go regardless. And I'm glad I did. It was worth every penny and every minute spent in the office. I also journaled a lot. Getting the thoughts out of my head and into something solid made it easier to articulate how I actually felt. Once I could see the words written out I could recognize what it was I was actually feeling. More than anything I had to start recognizing and SEEING my own worth and value. Just because I FELT lonely at times, I knew I shouldn't settle for something less. The feelings of loneliness, or missing someone pass. There's much more to see and do in the world, but when we're locked up in heartbreak we close down and get stuck in a hamster wheel of thinking that locks us into this box. We forget about everything else that's out there. AND we sort of just don't care about it. But at some point you have to just kick your own ass into caring about everything else that's out there. Seek out new hobbies and new things to learn. Immerse yourself in learning again. That's always benefited me far more than I'd realized. And don't listen to ENFPs. Their advice is terrible
  13. I'm interested to see how long it takes everyone. If it was a deeper relationship, who did the breaking up, your gender, how long it took you to get over it, what you did to get over it. My last breakup happened in August 2014. He broke up with me, I am female. And I didn't see it coming. It was an unrequited love situation (I fell more than he did). The blindsided breakup really crushed me. It took me over a year to really feel some semblance of normal again. About two years to feel WHOLE again, but yet, not quite the same as I was before. I had a lot of other horrible things going on in my life around that time too, so I ended up being diagnosed with C-PTSD by a therapist around that time. I'm still doing work on myself to this day. I recognized after the breakup that I'd been repeating a lot of ingrained bad patterns all my life when it came to dating. So I sought out therapy, meditation, introspection. Lots of learning how to cope, heal, etc. Emotions had never been my forte, as I'm sure many INTJs can relate. I essentially have spent the last 2.5 years learning feelings, emotions, emotional intelligence, etc.
  14. Well awkwardness has happened since my last post in here. First: I saw that he has now deleted all pics of him and his ex off his social media. Second: the next day (yesterday) I was opening the door into my apartment building (did I mention that he and I live in the same building?) and who was walking out? His ex. I held the door open for her. She said thank you to me. She did not look happy at ALL. And I was busy hyperventilating at the fact that I just saw her in the flesh. SO...... now I think I understand why he's been so distant. I can only surmise that he has been dealing with fully and completely removing her from his life. What a weird, ironic, gut punching turn of events over the last 2 days. I've stayed silent the whole time. Sigh. This is why I don't date.
  15. Well your post has been very helpful. Very insightful. And reminds me of what a therapist would tell me. I have indeed seen a therapist in the past. I need to go back to one and just have them for life. I need that ability to just talk things out with an unbiased source. I haven't been to one since 2015. Everything you said is true. It's very true. That I need to focus on what I want too. I forget that aspect sometimes. Mostly because in the past my thoughts of what I want somehow don't match up with my actions, and the other person reads my actions all wrong. It's really frustrating. Case in point: What my ENFJ cousin told me. I end up really shocked with how the other person has been interpreting everything. But you're right, I need to be able to just be myself. And this isn't the first time I've heard this from others. Somehow it just hasn't sunk in yet. :/