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About heracles

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    INTJ, loner, vegan, libertarian, outcast
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    groundskeeper, self-employed
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  1. This whole thread, or at least the OP, seems strangely familiar to me. Like deja vu. Maybe it was another very similar one.
  2. I was being given a lot of anti-biotics for dental issues a while back and they did devastate my flora. I went on pro-biotics for a while afterward and I think they got everything back to normal. I drink diluted raw apple cider vinegar now and then. When I was about 9 to 12, I was climbing a ladder. I fell off backward and banged my head, hard, on the concrete. My head felt large and I was dizzy and dazed. I didn't tell anybody because I didn't want to get chastised or fussed over. I think I could've had a concussion, and this may play a role in many cognitive problems I've experienced all my life, including this one. One of these days I may get up the courage for an MRI. I heard they have panic buttons for claustrophobia, so even the thought of being in that tube makes me panic a little.
  3. I don't necessarily refute what you're saying, nor do I concede to it. It's the conventionalist/scientistic paradigm. The concept "mental illness" may have explanatory value and much utility for many or most people, but I'm sure I question it more than you do. There's a video by Neel Burton called The Anatomy of Melancholy which I think pretty much reflects my perspective on the matter. Anyway, Constantin or anybody else can take what I've offered or leave it alone. He may explore what he chooses. I'm more loyal to my fellow melancholics than to the priests of academia.
  4. I was more concerned with helping him than adhering to theoretical correctness.
  5. I share some of your feelings, mainly alienation, but I don't have any simplistic sermons or pep talks for you. All life is struggle, I'm battling my own minotaur at the moment. Sometimes I think I'm winning, sometimes he is. I'd suggest caution about the scientism that's common on this forum. Psychology is like shamanism. It may work for you if you believe in it enough but it may be just a hellish hassle if you're an uppity infidel like me. Are you into philosophy? Look into Academy of Ideas on YouTube. You might find something helpful there. Look up these people---Ambrose Bierce, Goethe, Emily Dickinson, Carl Jung, Mark Twain and Socrates. Watch Number 12 Looks Just Like You and A Nice Place to Visit. Good luck.
  6. No, I haven't had those tests. I suppose I should. I may get around to it, but money may be a problem, and I hate going to doctors. The one who gave me the EEG was a bit insulting. He tossed off quite casually I looked like I had downs-syndrome or something. This attitude's been pretty common for me with doctors. ...... added to this post 10 minutes later: I never drank or even tried pot. I was and still am very square. I have taken Vicodin/Hydrocodone in the past, mainly as an anti-anxiety. (It usually worked, but sometimes had the opposite effect.) I now take kratom, and it's a godsend. Maybe I'm an addict. One thing out of my past I think might explain this condition. About 9-12, I fell off a ladder backwards and banged my head on the concrete. It felt large and fuzzy for a half-a-minute or so, but I recovered. I didn't tell anybody, especially adults. I didn't want to be chastised or fussed over. (I always hated being fussed over and babied.) Anyway, that may have caused a concussion, and maybe the results are ongoing. I wrote this when it was flaring up to a more uncomfortable degree. It's subsided a lot, as it often does. I can go for days, weeks, maybe months barely feeling it at all. Part of my question was out of curiosity, not so much desperation. Maybe it's as much a question in phenomenology as much as personal health. ...... added to this post 11 minutes later: My diet's varied so much over the past 40 years I've had this I really doubt it plays much role.
  7. I'm reading the Wikipedia article on diphenhydramine and having reservations about benadryl. It doesn't sound that pleasant or safe. Kratom, l-tryptophan, valerian and melatonin are working pretty well for me, and even if they may have their downsides, they're the devil I know. Would benadryl work better than these? Could I take it with them, or some combo? I'm leaning against it at this point, but I'll keep reading and thinking about it and we'll see. ...... added to this post 17 minutes later: I think I've done some reading on both fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome trying to understand my "mystery aches and pains" and frequent lethargy, but a lot of symptoms didn't quite seem to fit. For instance, in CFS your fatigue increases with exercise, but my energy tends to increase on my runs. The thing about this malady I have is that the sensation is very much an anti-pain, a negative pain, a reverse pain. I know that sounds incomprehensible, but it's the only way I can describe it. It's as palpable and unpleasant as "conventional pain", but the feeling is distinctly different, which makes me wonder if anybody else in the world or human history has ever had it too. Maybe this analogy could help. When you get a novocaine shot at the dentist you "feel" your numbed face by the very fact of not feeling it. Yes. A contradiction. But maybe you know what I mean. (I suppose somebody more educated than I will have a sophisticated explanation or correction for me, but I doubt I'd be able to understand it.) My left skull/brain FEELS different than my right. Actually I FEEL my left skull/brain/eye, but I don't feel my right at all. That is, my right feels normal, but left feels uncomfortable, "raw", "rubbed against", "bigger". Same of course with my left upper back, thigh, etc. (I'm feeling this right now.) I can go days, weeks, or months without feeling or noticing this at all, but it always comes back. I don't see any clear pattern, but I think emotional stress can play a role in triggering or exacerbating it. Anyway, I'm mainly just documenting this. I don't expect anybody to understand it, but it may be interesting or useful to neurology students, now or in the future.
  8. I'll try it and get back to you.
  9. I skimmed and spot read the akathisia Wikipedia article and watched a few YouTube videos on it, and the symptoms don't fit what I'm experiencing. Mine is distinctly on my left side and very different from "pain" in the usual sense. I am often restless and fidgety, but nowhere near what I saw on YouTube.
  10. Thanks. I've said in posts here I believed I'm probably a schizoid, not schizophrenic. My Dad was diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic, but I have doubts he was. I think he was just very depressed. My uncle, his brother, was definitely schizophrenic. He contracted it at about 17 and committed suicide in his mid-40's. I don't see myself as psychotic or delusional or irrational at all. Yes, I'm aware that you build a tolerance to kratom and that it has opium properties. But I'm sure it's much safer. I'll look into akathisia. I wonder why none of my doctors ever mentioned this. This "sensation" I've had all these years isn't really debilitating, just sometimes maddening at its very worst, and I'd just like to understand it or know if anybody else has it. Somehow, it's seemed centered around the left eye and optic nerve as well. I saw on 20-20 how when people cover their left eye they tend to get a feeling of well being, but if they cover their right eye, they get a feeling of anxiety. I tried it, and yes, I get that too. Maybe mine is more pronounced than most peoples'.
  11. I wrote most of this in a zine 19 years ago, but have edited and added to it for this post: This perplexing condition of mine seems to have begun 21 years ago (age 19), when I was in college, but a year later seemed to reach its peak intensity, when I was working the graveyard shift of a check processing center called "Systematics". It's very hard to describe, perhaps impossible. But I'll try. The main bodily focal point is just right of the left shoulder blade. It can't be described as "pain" in the usual sense of the word, but it's a very unpleasant feeling. It seems to inhabit the very borderline between the mental and physical, so though I call it a "feeling", it isn't just a vague emotion, or perception. It's quite physically localized. The next main bodily point I feel it is the left top of my skull. Other points, all on the left, are my wrist, thigh, the area above the buttock, and upper foot. For all this time my whole left side has always felt slightly "dead", though again, this word is a poor approximation to the actual sensation. It's a bit like one feels when a rock gets lodged in the tread of ones shoe, and your walking unevenly. This is the more benign aspect of the condition. The worst, often coming up in the middle of the night, is the pulsating, throbbing, streams of "quasi-pain" in the previously mentioned bodily points. It's much like the cringing feeling many people (including me) experience when they hear and see someone scratching a blackboard with their fingernails, or the maddening sensation of having a piece of food stuck in their teeth that won't come out. The difference though, is that (1) my "malady" has no discernible, objective cause, and (2) it's so intense, it crosses the border between a mere psychological discomfort to a palpable, somatically localized one (shoulder blade, skull, thigh, etc.) Another way to describe it is, it feels like cornflakes, styrofoam, straw or some other similar irritant is lying beneath my scull, on the surface of my brain. I am able sometimes to alleviate it, usually only briefly, by scratching the affected area. Sometimes I tap my skull with a hammer, back of a hairbrush, or whatever's available, which I realize sounds like a little more extreme remedy, but sometimes seems more effective. Strangely, running a flobee hair cutting machine over it seems to alleviate it as well. But it's only for the time I'm doing that. At 24 I went to a doctor about this and had an EEG. He looked through the printout and said he found nothing abnormal. I told my chiropractor about it but he just looked at me like I was weird. At 58 I still have this. Fortunately, kratom, which I started taking in the evening a couple years ago, totally eliminates it, just as it pretty much eliminates my other nagging joint pains. But I still have it during the day, and the amount of kratom I take, 10-12 double-zero capsules, seems to becoming gradually less effective. I doubt anybody here will have any experience with this or anything like it, but I thought I'd fire this shot in the dark and see what responses I get.
  12. I knew the explosion between the OP and Monte was going to happen. I heard the rumblings. I used to identify as part of what I saw as the organized religion of Theravada Buddhism, but now, wrestling with doubts I don't choose to go into---people here wouldn't understand---I'm not sure what I am. I lean toward the label "Socratic", but I suspect that'd be nit-picked by somebody more educated than I. No. I don't really see anything wrong with organized religion per se, nor organized ideology, nor organization itself. This forum has some organization to it I'd think. That has it's pros and cons I suppose. My problem with people who are gung ho against religion, organized or not, is that they seem to be trading one sort of obsessive zealotry for another. That said, WELCOME WyattIs!
  13. I did go to a doctor a couple days ago. He said it probably wasn't break or fracture, re-iterating what I've already read, that those are pretty much always very, very painful. He said it seems to be a bruise or a sprain, but I never had any sign of a bruise on my skin, either visible or felt. He did say he was a little puzzled why it hasn't healed in more than 4 weeks. He prodded the areas I told him I felt pain, but wasn't really able to reproduce what I feel doing that. My pain comes from random movements and often seems to come and go without any clear pattern. He gave me some Naproxen and I'm supposed to see him in two weeks. I'm going between optimism and near despair as sometimes it seems to work wonders, at other times it doesn't seem to help at all. If Naproxen doesn't help in 2 weeks, the next step is muscle relaxants. This is all very important because I have physical work to do by mid-March, so yes, I'm concerned.
  14. When I was 20 I was working as a "houseman" at Mt. Rainier National Park, mainly in the laundry department. My "mantra" at the time was "I wish I didn't exist, I wish I didn't exist, I wish I didn't exist...." The song "A Day in the Life" by The Beatles played itself over and over in my head. In a way, this intermittent "suicidality" is sort of my normal state. As I wrote above, I doubt I'll ever carry it out, but it's sort of comforting to keep the option open.
  15. Supposedly, schizoids are prone to think about suicide constantly, and as a schizoid, this is borne out in my own experience. But schizoids like me who do think about suicide often, rarely carry it out. I myself think about suicide in an almost detached, intellectual way. I research methods on Google. Most people who commit suicide are 85 and older. Then it's people in my own middle-aged range. Then it's younger people, but they get the most press, I suppose because the loss is greater and more tragic in their case. I wouldn't commit suicide because: 1. There may be an afterlife and it could be worse than my present life. 2. It would hurt my family and friends very much, and they've done a lot for me. 3. It could be scary. 4. It could hurt. 5. There could be a starving, homeless puppy with a broken leg who might need me some day.