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About heracles

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    INTJ, loner, vegan, libertarian, outcast
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    groundskeeper, self-employed
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  1. I skimmed and spot read the akathisia Wikipedia article and watched a few YouTube videos on it, and the symptoms don't fit what I'm experiencing. Mine is distinctly on my left side and very different from "pain" in the usual sense. I am often restless and fidgety, but nowhere near what I saw on YouTube.
  2. Thanks. I've said in posts here I believed I'm probably a schizoid, not schizophrenic. My Dad was diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic, but I have doubts he was. I think he was just very depressed. My uncle, his brother, was definitely schizophrenic. He contracted it at about 17 and committed suicide in his mid-40's. I don't see myself as psychotic or delusional or irrational at all. Yes, I'm aware that you build a tolerance to kratom and that it has opium properties. But I'm sure it's much safer. I'll look into akathisia. I wonder why none of my doctors ever mentioned this. This "sensation" I've had all these years isn't really debilitating, just sometimes maddening at its very worst, and I'd just like to understand it or know if anybody else has it. Somehow, it's seemed centered around the left eye and optic nerve as well. I saw on 20-20 how when people cover their left eye they tend to get a feeling of well being, but if they cover their right eye, they get a feeling of anxiety. I tried it, and yes, I get that too. Maybe mine is more pronounced than most peoples'.
  3. I wrote most of this in a zine 19 years ago, but have edited and added to it for this post: This perplexing condition of mine seems to have begun 21 years ago (age 19), when I was in college, but a year later seemed to reach its peak intensity, when I was working the graveyard shift of a check processing center called "Systematics". It's very hard to describe, perhaps impossible. But I'll try. The main bodily focal point is just right of the left shoulder blade. It can't be described as "pain" in the usual sense of the word, but it's a very unpleasant feeling. It seems to inhabit the very borderline between the mental and physical, so though I call it a "feeling", it isn't just a vague emotion, or perception. It's quite physically localized. The next main bodily point I feel it is the left top of my skull. Other points, all on the left, are my wrist, thigh, the area above the buttock, and upper foot. For all this time my whole left side has always felt slightly "dead", though again, this word is a poor approximation to the actual sensation. It's a bit like one feels when a rock gets lodged in the tread of ones shoe, and your walking unevenly. This is the more benign aspect of the condition. The worst, often coming up in the middle of the night, is the pulsating, throbbing, streams of "quasi-pain" in the previously mentioned bodily points. It's much like the cringing feeling many people (including me) experience when they hear and see someone scratching a blackboard with their fingernails, or the maddening sensation of having a piece of food stuck in their teeth that won't come out. The difference though, is that (1) my "malady" has no discernible, objective cause, and (2) it's so intense, it crosses the border between a mere psychological discomfort to a palpable, somatically localized one (shoulder blade, skull, thigh, etc.) Another way to describe it is, it feels like cornflakes, styrofoam, straw or some other similar irritant is lying beneath my scull, on the surface of my brain. I am able sometimes to alleviate it, usually only briefly, by scratching the affected area. Sometimes I tap my skull with a hammer, back of a hairbrush, or whatever's available, which I realize sounds like a little more extreme remedy, but sometimes seems more effective. Strangely, running a flobee hair cutting machine over it seems to alleviate it as well. But it's only for the time I'm doing that. At 24 I went to a doctor about this and had an EEG. He looked through the printout and said he found nothing abnormal. I told my chiropractor about it but he just looked at me like I was weird. At 58 I still have this. Fortunately, kratom, which I started taking in the evening a couple years ago, totally eliminates it, just as it pretty much eliminates my other nagging joint pains. But I still have it during the day, and the amount of kratom I take, 10-12 double-zero capsules, seems to becoming gradually less effective. I doubt anybody here will have any experience with this or anything like it, but I thought I'd fire this shot in the dark and see what responses I get.
  4. I knew the explosion between the OP and Monte was going to happen. I heard the rumblings. I used to identify as part of what I saw as the organized religion of Theravada Buddhism, but now, wrestling with doubts I don't choose to go into---people here wouldn't understand---I'm not sure what I am. I lean toward the label "Socratic", but I suspect that'd be nit-picked by somebody more educated than I. No. I don't really see anything wrong with organized religion per se, nor organized ideology, nor organization itself. This forum has some organization to it I'd think. That has it's pros and cons I suppose. My problem with people who are gung ho against religion, organized or not, is that they seem to be trading one sort of obsessive zealotry for another. That said, WELCOME WyattIs!
  5. I did go to a doctor a couple days ago. He said it probably wasn't break or fracture, re-iterating what I've already read, that those are pretty much always very, very painful. He said it seems to be a bruise or a sprain, but I never had any sign of a bruise on my skin, either visible or felt. He did say he was a little puzzled why it hasn't healed in more than 4 weeks. He prodded the areas I told him I felt pain, but wasn't really able to reproduce what I feel doing that. My pain comes from random movements and often seems to come and go without any clear pattern. He gave me some Naproxen and I'm supposed to see him in two weeks. I'm going between optimism and near despair as sometimes it seems to work wonders, at other times it doesn't seem to help at all. If Naproxen doesn't help in 2 weeks, the next step is muscle relaxants. This is all very important because I have physical work to do by mid-March, so yes, I'm concerned.
  6. When I was 20 I was working as a "houseman" at Mt. Rainier National Park, mainly in the laundry department. My "mantra" at the time was "I wish I didn't exist, I wish I didn't exist, I wish I didn't exist...." The song "A Day in the Life" by The Beatles played itself over and over in my head. In a way, this intermittent "suicidality" is sort of my normal state. As I wrote above, I doubt I'll ever carry it out, but it's sort of comforting to keep the option open.
  7. Supposedly, schizoids are prone to think about suicide constantly, and as a schizoid, this is borne out in my own experience. But schizoids like me who do think about suicide often, rarely carry it out. I myself think about suicide in an almost detached, intellectual way. I research methods on Google. Most people who commit suicide are 85 and older. Then it's people in my own middle-aged range. Then it's younger people, but they get the most press, I suppose because the loss is greater and more tragic in their case. I wouldn't commit suicide because: 1. There may be an afterlife and it could be worse than my present life. 2. It would hurt my family and friends very much, and they've done a lot for me. 3. It could be scary. 4. It could hurt. 5. There could be a starving, homeless puppy with a broken leg who might need me some day.
  8. On Jan. 5 I slipped and fell on ice, falling hard on my side. I definitely felt it, but it wasn't terribly painful. I got up and continued on home, a few blocks away. For the first few days I didn't seem to feel much of anything, but about a week into it, I did begin to feel more discomfort around the rib cage, and intermittently in the back nearby. Admittedly, probably unwisely, I did do some snow shoveling. I had to get my truck out to go buy food. Also, I have had a pretty bad cold which turned into bronchitis, so there's been some coughing. I'm much better in that respect now, with little to no coughing. In the following days and weeks it varied from noticeably uncomfortable to feeling almost nothing at all. It's been very snowy here and yesterday, on a day I was feeling little to nothing and like everything was close to healing, I did shovel my walkway and side walk. This morning I'm feeling the discomfort much more than I have in some days, when intermittently breathing deeply and some odd movements. None of this seems to me to have risen to a level I'd call "painful", just uncomfortable when it happens. I'm not anywhere near "agony", just worried, and disappointed that it's interfering with my running and other physical activity. I can walk very easily and can run across cross walks. I can turn in and get out of bed without any problem. I sleep just fine. I've read of 6 weeks as a usual healing time for bruised ribs, which will fall Feb. 18 for me, so if I don't feel noticeable improvement by then, as much as I hate to----I'm very iatrophobic---I may see a doctor about it. From somebody who's experienced bruised ribs, is the relative lack of pain encouraging? If you went to a doctor, how much did it cost to treat your ribs, start to finish. I'm very low income on Obamacare. I'm just wondering why something with so little pain involved is taking so long to go away completely. Please don't preach about seeing a doctor. I'll make that decision myself. I'm just interested in the experiences of anybody who've had a similar injury.
  9. I'm sorry I don't think vertebrate is "whining". I think she's bringing up an actual psycho-social problem that many older people feel. I may not agree with every point of her perspective on it, but I and many people, male and female, around my age, even in their late 40's, have experienced comments and behaviors that are subtly, I don't know, "disrespectful". Personally the Net's made me aware of some millenials that totally blow me away with their intelligence and articulateness. I've often felt some shame I wasn't as knowledgeable and smart as they were when I was their age. As I wrote before, age doesn't define someone. What we're talking about is some millenials. I don't want to clutter this thread too much more but here's an anecdote in point among many I've experienced. On YouTube there's husband and wife, both in their 20's who do videos about Japanese and American cultural differences. It's humorous and light-hearted. The husband is Japanese, his wife is American. The wife commented on how "old men" in Japan actually went to parks and sat down on benches, when there were children around and everything! Oh God! That's so CREEPY! The husband didn't get it at all. "So what?!" he said. He's an old man. He just wants to sit down and take a rest. He likes to go to parks for the same reason anybody likes to go to parks. But no, she just couldn't wrap her head around it. It's SO WIERD! These attitudes don't pop up all the time, but they do often enough. I don't have a solution to ageism and don't want to force one or come up with simplistic answers, but I think it's an interesting question very relevant to older people and worthy of discussion.
  10. That sums up a lot of it very clearly, but I'm looking at it from a personal perspective, and also, I think there are psychological layers and nuances I wanted to explore, thus my "long-windedness". Another complication coming from me, I'm a misanthrope, so I've always had a tendency to see the stupidity and negative stereotypes of all human classes.
  11. I would see ancestor veneration as ageist, but perhaps we're seeing things different semantically. No, I don't think we can just shrug these things off. Maybe for short periods, but they always return. Different generations will always and have always seen each other as "other" to a greater degree than they'd like to admit. But I think our disagreement may stem from the leftist emphasis on "nurture" as opposed to the libertarian's and conservative's emphasis on "nature".
  12. Ageism is a very relevant topic for me at this stage in my life as I wrestle with gerascophobia. In fact I've been mulling over and procrastinating starting a thread I was going to call, "Inter-generational Interaction", but maybe this one is a good place to get some thoughts out. I don't think anybody's really been ageist to me on this forum, but I think that might be because generally we don't see people's faces that much on this or other Web forums. Ages are available on profiles, but most members opt not to give them. I do think ageism is real in society and it's part of a larger human tendency to "respond" to people, even if only on a subconscious, visceral, inner level, to other people's "physicality". Physicality as I use the term includes looks, whether good, bad or average; race; perceived and/or actual age; physical fitness; facial expression; body language; perceived class; etc. It's automatic due to years of conditioning, and there may even be some sort of evolutionary, biological cause to it. There are many ways one person may perceive someone else as "other". This doesn't always result in any sort of obvious disrespect or mistreatment, but there is an automatic "like", "dislike", attraction or even subtle "rejection" of another person, based on their physicality. In this case, we're talking about age. Even as a 58 year-old I have a huge amount of internalized, even self-directed ageism. (If you think that's ridiculous, maybe it is, but I'm not the only one. Look at all the movie stars who can afford it, even the men, even tough guys like Mickey Rourke, and their plastic surgeries.) I was quite the young ageist in my teens and all through my youth, and bizarre as it is, I still see a lot of people not much older than myself as "other" and people I'm not too excited to be around. Not defending that, just admitting it. Whether it's good or bad, right or wrong, I think it may be just one of those natural things that most young people will want to hang with their own, and not want some boring "old person" hanging around. Personally, I don't begrudge them this natural, possibly socio-biological gut feeling, and I don't really want to hang around with someone who feels this way, or feels like they have to martyr themselves in order to be a good person. My big narcissistic ego only wants to hang with people who want to be with me with a true burning desire if only for my intellectual brilliance. Otherwise I'd rather be a lonely old man. Also, I think this whole business of trying to "sum up" any generation---indeed the whole tendency to arbitrarily cut off age groups into distinct chronological-cum-cultural chunks like baby-boomers, gen-Xers or milliennials---once examined for just a few minutes--- becomes very, very iffy. Sure, in a very rough sort of way, different generations are different cultures They grew up in different youth cultures with different mores and had different experiences. But generationality is just one aspect of an individual, just as gender, race, ethnicity, etc. On the Net, again where I can't be seen, I've connected pretty deeply with young black women who were hardcore libertarian and/or vegan. So yes, ageism matters, and it's unfortunate, but I'd be very sad if it there were some movement that obsessively and aggressively tried to wipe it out. Because many people, young and old, often lapse into black/white thinking, once a young person in that mode sees your age, they may have a tendency to tune you out, both visually and audibly. They won't see you or listen to you. They'll see an authority figure---a parent, a teacher....and they'll go immediately into combat mode. This is natural and understandable. For much of their remembered existence, they've been under us (or rather those of us who've held positions of authority, which I, pathetically never have, even though I may look like it.) And yes, there's ageism by the old against the young, in varying degrees, depending on how reflective the agent is. Ageism may matter, but it's probably inevitable. It's probably socio-biological.
  13. Much of the time I'm sort of in denial about my getting old---hey, what's the use---being old. Getting old is for the masses, not for heracles, favored of the gods. Other times I'm in a state of barely controlled terror and despair about it. Every once in a rare while I'll have a moment of acceptance....or resignation. Here's a post I made on my blog in PsychForums a while back under "Gerascophobia". Sorry for the length. Hope a few here persevere with it and find some personal relevance in it. ***************** How I see myself, externally and internally, fluctuates. Often, when I look in a mirror or reflective surface, I will still see a young man of 28. I'm sure it depends on the lighting, its intensity or quality. Other times, in certain predictable mirrors I tend to avoid, I see a man every minute of 57, or older. Even when I see the young man, if only in the back of my mind, I wonder, or strongly suspect, that there's "magical thinking" going on, that I'm filtering out what my mind fears to see, and filtering in what it wants. But I never know for sure, one way or the other. In any case, even if time's treated me well for longer than others, my magical thinking can't last for ever, and I know I must get old, visibly and otherwise. Why does this matter to me? Intellectually, I know it shouldn't, but it does. Gerascophobia. I've been obsessing about the passing, the racing by, of my youth, since my mid-20's. Most people are worried about the big 3-0, I was agonized about the big 2-7. It really shouldn't be all that surprising. In my struggle to rise above it, to let it go, I've been delving into the literature, film and lore----of gerascophobia---and have been compiling a bibliography and filmography about it of sorts. I'm not the only one who's had this disease. It has a long, long history. And I'm sure, though they've all had the basic similarities, the fine details of the feelings of every gerascophobe, I suspect have been very different. It's not just the loss of youth. It's the loss of a time, a place, a world-----an identity. We may all know the old saying, "One picture is worth a thousand words". So far, the cold, clinical, binary, reductionist language of "clinical psychology" (or whatever it is) cannot convey what my gerascophobia feels like. So what I have done is posted links to a couple film clips, which, in their "thousand words" have some chance of hinting at, much closer to any "scientific" formulation, what I feel. I was hoping to include a clip from the 1935 version of "She", of the final words of "She Who Must Be Obeyed", but I couldn't find one separate from the film itself. They were painfully poignant----- "I remember......long ago.......a garden.......in the sun...." "The Guests" not only has gerascophobic themes, but perhaps narcissist as well. But it's not the glamorized narcissism. It's the tragic and nightmarish. The scene of young Tess, only 18, in the graveyard with the young drifter, is just so powerful. I saw this episode decades ago, maybe as a teenager myself, and it stuck with me all these years. I only just watched it again on DVD. The Guests, Outer Limits https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lJs7pZg_ngQ I'm not a stud or Casanova like the swimmer, but I can relate a lot to him. All the dreams of strength, power and competence...and all the emptiness that finally finds you. I was hoping I'd find a trailer with the final scenes of his dark homecoming, but I couldn't, so I settled for this one. You can't really put all this into words, tie it up in a neat explanatory bow. It speaks its own language. The Swimmer https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yIegoQAayFs The sadness of aging is probably ineffable. It cannot be easily analyzed. Now, I don't feel it all the time---often, I'm just fine----but sometimes, when I do, it can be so intense, it's excruciating. Glib advice about the benefits of "cognitive behavioral therapy" or "neuroplasticity" are so inane in the face of it, if they weren't so clueless and insulting, they'd be laughable. If I live any longer, I am going to get old and be old for a while. I'm working on coping strategies for that, but please save your pieties and platitudes. It's going to take a lot more than the usual pats on the wrist and pep talks to get me through it. But all I can do is try. Maybe it'll be a day at a time for the rest of my life.
  14. I recently found an intellectual friend through Craigslist and we've had a few talks over coffee---philosophy, self-improvement, ideas.... I'm glad we've connected and that we're going to have these meetings once in a while, about once a month, and we've had some good discussions about interesting and useful ideas, but the last meeting, the second of two, when I got home I was so drained I crawled into bed and drifted off into a fitful sleep. The next two days was like struggling not to go into a coma. This person wasn't in the least disagreeable or boring. So I get drained in even the best of social situations. Years ago, in my twenties, I met with some fellow Buddhists, and I couldn't get rid of resulting tension headache all night long, even with analgesics and standing on my head. I was totally positive about this meeting. Even good stimulation drains and pains me. It's somewhat the same way even with writing posts like this. I'll feel a little drained from it. All kinds of things, even solitary, drain me. I've felt like this for decades. I suspect it's dysthymia. It doesn't come from negative thinking or fear. It's a mystery to me I'm still trying to understand. I'm still trying to find out how to get that energy and focus so many other people have.
  15. I'm not sure I get your point. Are you using "fix" in two different senses? That is, he gets a fix just by asking about the availability of drugs? Are you "commenting" on my italics, or am I just being paranoid? ...... added to this post 7 minutes later: It doesn't happen to me often. The first time I recall was a long time ago, in Tacoma. I was 31. A young man, probably Hispanic, asked me if I was "lookin'". I think I was kind of distraught about something, so probably had a concerned or troubled look on my face, so maybe he though I needed a fix. That same summer a car raced by me and the occupants flashed gang signs. A middle-aged man in a park approached me and offered to sell me an oxycotin. I declined, thinking it might be a sting. Another time a few years ago I was out and about downtown and somebody asked me if I was "sellin'". Plenty of random strangers have asked me if I have any "bud". ...... added to this post 11 minutes later: I saw on YouTube a while back that introverts dress very non-descriptly to avoid attention. That's pretty much the case with me. But I've always been absolutely clueless about fashion and how to look good in clothes, going back to my early teens. I tried, but I could never get it right. I just recently learned the skill, but I'm probably stuck in the 80's. That said, I was riding my bike down the street one day and somebody stopped me and said, "On the street, bro...?"