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holdyourhead

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About holdyourhead

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    INTJ
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    5w6
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  1. I feel like Sting when I read some threads... Dating. Dating Websites. Dating Profiles. i could never be dealing with any of this. I don't know why anyone wanting a serious relationship wouldn't just find and do the things they enjoy where there are other people around. It's not going to guarantee you'll meet one of the right people for you, but I figure the chances are just the same AND you'll be doing something you enjoy. Meet people naturally, and possibly become genuine friends first. That's the best foundation IMO. I've had a higher success rate % of connecting with people during my short time volunteering at an animal shelter, than I've had at any other time during my entire adult life. I don't know if these connections will be fleeting or not, but it is still a damn sight better than anything else I've experienced. Nothing about the dating world sounds enjoyable to me. But I don't know, maybe some people enjoy spending hours, days, weeks, writing/perfecting a profile about themself, and going through so many contrived interactions regularly. It's all far too similar to job hunting and too formalised. It really is. Profile = CV. Date = Interview. Relationship = Job. I don't find the job hunting process enjoyable either, but there's a system to it and when you succeed, you generally know what you're getting and provided you are good at the job, can keep it as long as you want. It's done and dusted, until or unless you one day want a different job. Whereas with the dating, even if you get "dates" this isn't the same as getting the job yet. It's just a bunch of interviews. You might also get further dates with one individual, but that's still more interviews. And even if you have a string of successful dates, you still don't really know what you're getting in the long run and most of the time will end up with it not being right for you both. Traditional dating to find a serious relationship = Eternal job hunting.
  2. My partner's income and job stability weren't affected, although she works in retail which was an industry heavily affected. The effect on her employer seems to have been delayed. Since their customers are buying what would mostly be seen as essentials, the effect was not as immediate or as significant as it was for retailers of non-essentials. Instead, there does seem to have been a steady decline for her employer and similar companies over the years since. I think that more and more people gradually started going to the "budget" retailers instead. As for myself, income was affected. I've worked for myself since July 2005, initially within the landscaping industry. The steady income for a regular customerbase was not affected at all, but the availability of larger-scaled higher-income projects completely dried up. Such customers were typically those improving their own property, and hardly anyone wanted to spend large amounts of money like that because of the economic uncertainty. At the start of 2009, I re-entered employment partly to have a steady (and what actually became higher) income from a dayjob without having to make all of the extra effort required when working for yourself, and partly because of issues with my family. Although, as the economy had started to recover somewhat, and people were becoming more willing to spend money, there were some higher-income projects becoming available, and I would take unpaid time away from the dayjob for those, provided that my income would be higher by doing that. In terms of spending though, there was almost no effect on me or my partner. At the time, we lived with her or my parents and did not have our own home until 2012 when the economy was recovering fully, Not only were our expenses mostly limited to consumables and utilities contributions (no rent/mortgage), we rarely spent unecessary money anyway. I have always researched to find suitable purchases for the best price possible, and neither of us are particularly materialistic. Beyond consumables and utilities, most expenses would be on leisure activities, but even those were never costing the earth for us at that time (we typically had one short domestic holiday a year, and otherwise did not partake in expensive activities at that time). Neither of us had any significant savings or assets until 2009 onwards, meaning there had never really been anything to fall back on, and we had always been the thriftiest of the thriftiest, regardless. I had always been good at saving money, and had done so countless times, but before 2009 it had always disappeared whenever a large purchase was made, and the saving process would just start again. We have also never used or relied on interest-added credit or debit or hire purchase in either of our lives, except for her student loan, and my income-related mortgages and loans. If we wanted something, we waited until we saved enough, or borrowed the money from a relative who trusted us to pay back because we'd proven enough times that we could. Perhaps one thing I did notice was when my income dropped (throughout 2008), I had gone from always having a bit of cash saved, to often having none. And perhaps there were no large purchases that year. Also, I think that it was Christmas 2008 that my partner bought all of the presents for both of our families. (This was some time before our income had become effectively joint). ETA: Reading the below post also reminded me that besides a mechanic and property gaswork, I never really pay anyone to do anything for me. I prefer learning and doing things myself. So, that's another way expenses have always been limited for us.
  3. Same. Which means you might be the next to be offed. We pay £1000/month rent for a small 2-bed ground floor flat in a small 2-storey apartment building in Waltham Abbey which is just outside of Greater London (walking distance) but part of London's conurbation. The flat would be worth about £200k. The town is a mixture of private and social housing. Our flat is in the newest "estate" which started being built at the end of the 1980s. The estate was built in the modern cohesive style, where there is a diverse mixture of properites (i.e. large family homes, small family homes, and apartments). Our previous home was also in Waltham Abbey. A small 3-bedroom semi-detached 2-storey house, located in a cul-de-sac, with a small front and back garden, and an integral garage. That was in an "estate" built in the 60's and 70's. It is mostly private owner-occupied or private rented housing, though a large social housing area was added in the 70's. We sold that house fairly recently for £345k. I'd have to do some research to answer the specific questions in the OP.
  4. We do see plenty of adults (individuals, couples, or groups) when we go to a zoo, in general. Not sure what the ratio is between those and families with children. I think some people have this perception that the zoo is an activity for children? Maybe magnified by the fact that it was a "night out". A lot of people's typical night out is a meal, a bar, a nightclub, a party, possibly drunk and disorderly, and that sort of thing... Had a similar response myself when we went to Kenya years ago. One of the managers where I used to work asked where we'd been or where we were going (I forget which). His response was something along the lines of "Kenya?! Aren't you a bit young for that. That's mostly for older people". He also said that he would have expected it to have been Ibiza (or some other similar "party" hotspots). Again, the expectation of bars, clubs, drinking, etc... I think some people are just completely oblivious to how many people enjoy doing activities that aren't the most typical and do not gain the most publicity. *shrug* Usual stereotyping nonsense.
  5. I don't go out to socialise at all, as in, with socialising being the primary focus. I'm still technically being social when I speak to my partner at home, or go out to do activities with her or someone else. I like activities, and like talking to people through that as it gives a focal point for us to talk about. Otherwise, meeting up with people just to talk and nothing else isn't usually much fun. So, going out just to socialise? Almost never. Going out to do activities? Depends on how many enjoyable/stimulating opportunities are available at the time, and how much free time we have in alignment with each other. We do go out and walk together almost every day, go to the gym every other day, and try to do something else at least once a week. I also volunteer at an animal shelter at least once a week now so do speak to people there a bit too. We went to London Zoo just recently for one of their adult-only evenings. I found one of my partner's colleagues responses to her amusing, when she told him where we were going for the night out once she finished work. She told me that he said something along the lines of "You're going to a zoo?! Why don't you just go out for a meal like normal adults?!" in a joking manner. My response to her was along the lines that most people become (subjectively) boring when they become adults. They don't care for interesting or exciting or challenging activities any more, and only want to sit or stand around and just talk, not really doing anything much with their mind or body (like at a pub or bar or at someone's home). It is subjective of course, because they may not find that boring... We did actually go out for a meal first anyway, but promptly left to get to the zoo in time! We do go out for meals sometimes as it is, though even then, we often leave as soon as we've finished eating to go and do something else unless it is one of the rarer occasions we're engaged in some lengthy conversation during and after the meal. I've always had a restless mind, and for most of adulthood have had a restless body too. If my mind or body remains unstimulated for a long time I tend to become bored, depressed and braindead. I have been learning how to relax recently, but there's still only so much of it I can take.
  6. If I had the answer to that, I would either have $730k or $2000^365 after a year, depending on whether I could make $2000 per day or double any amount per day.
  7. What I find striking about examples such as this is that it supports my thought that a lot of people primarily want to enjoy socialising with their friends, and not much else matters in the friendship. While it makes perfect sense that people want to enjoy their time with other people, an example such as this shows how someone who can't easily be there for people or help them can still have friends because they find interacting with him a pleasure. Same applies with those that @Cacao pointed out, where horrible people still have friends because they enjoy spending time together. Fair enough that their friendship may be perceived as lower quality, or they may be prepared to stab each other in the back if they could personally gain from it. In most instances, there is this natural connection and chemistry during their interactions. The connection doesn't even necessarily have to be meaningful and deep. Two people might just enjoy gossiping about others and celebrities, or talking about their days, or talking about their materialistic or superficial indulgences. Whatever it is, it's usually a genuine connection between people occuring. This is why I used the extreme example of somebody who is mute, where they cannot talk at all. Finding friends would be extremely difficult I imagine because the lack of communication and expression will severely limit the opportunities for genuine chemistry/connection. One answer to that extreme example would be learning sign language or communicating through writing. Still, this will leave very limited possibilities for finding friendship and interacting with others in person. They can be a good or even a great person, but there will surely always be very little in the way of mutually enjoyable chemistry/connection with the average person. Should the person not even be able to write or use sign language, then the only interactions they may be likely to enjoy or experience are with extremely sympathetic individuals. Friendship would seem impossible to establish unless body language would suffice. I think about this extreme circumstance because of the times when my mind is blank. Although the experience isn't quite the same - the person described above could still have thoughts but is simply unable to communicate them - their experience of being disconnected and feeling isolated (i.e. having no-one "close") with no way to rectify it could be the same. The cause of being mute may be different (paralysis vs a blank or "mute" mind), but the social experience is non-existent for both. I can at least be thankful that my mind is not mute in all social situations, as it is not strictly tied to a social anxiety disorder as I once thought. It seems to actually be tied primarily to inspiration. Very little in most typical social situations can seem to stimulate my mind sufficiently to ignite thoughts and unmute my inner voice, no matter how much I might want to be stimulated like that. Likewise, there can just as easily be non-social situations where my mind seems to be utterly uninspired, unstimulated, and I feel completely braindead until I engage in something that kicks that switch on. (As was the situation for the first few months of this year.)
  8. That's horrible. Though I would say that the concept of treating people differently, unfairly, or unequally for no reason other than their gender (or any other physical characteristic which they have no control over, for that matter) is not a healthy attitude to have or to instill into your children. Admittedly, the differences in treatment may be minor enough to be mostly harmless in many cases, and so do not make the family itself become unhealthy.
  9. Fair enough. I was hoping for an insight. True, though I don't believe it is easy for everyone or there are the same abundance of options for everyone. In the dating and relationships context, there are lots of people who want to find a relationship but they cannot find mutual chemistry and compatibility. The same can be true for friendship. You can be as proactive as you like, but there still needs to be a mutual chemistry and compatibility plus a desire for friendship between you and the other person(s). When it is forced, one or both people are faking it to a degree. You can't force genuine and naturally occuring connections like that. You can only put yourself out there and hope to find something genuine eventually. If you find it, then you can put in the effort for the friendship to grow/develop and solidify. If the connection is not genuine, then it is likely going to be a wasted effort. You or the other person will lose interest eventually, and it will at best be a one-sided friendship. At worst, completely unfulfilling for both.
  10. This is an extreme example. but I ask because reasons. How would someone who is mute for some reason (paralysis, brain damage, some disorder) find friends, when they cannot socialise (or "network") in the usual way? Let's assume they are not reclusive, nor do they have a bad temper or habits or breath. Let's assume they are a good person in many ways. As for anyone finding friends easily, in general, I think that depends on the definition of friend. If we just mean people who we talk to or see occasionally, but do not share a deep and meaningful connection or care for each other in a deep and meaningful way, then they could certainly be found ten to a dozen. I would, however, call those acquaintences, not friends.
  11. Yeah dying alone or otherwise unhappy isn't the worst thing. It's an unhappy life that is far worse.
  12. I think that many factors can influence this. We could appear more attractive and less desperate or insecure when we are comfortable or content with ourselves and are not "looking" for someone. Also, though I have as good as no experience, I fear the dating world is flooded with the wrong kind of people if you are looking to find genuine and deep connections. Lastly, meeting good matches can be mostly random and coincidental. Right place at right time, though may be slightly more likely if you are focused on going to the places and doing the things where you are at your best and are in your own element (whatever/wherever interests or excites you most) and there are regularly different people around, rather than going to the typical social/dating places. You are more likely to meet similarly minded people while your strengths and qualities are also shining through.
  13. I've never found an accent or culture unattractive in and of itself.
  14. INFP and ENTJ (immature ENTJ before becoming the beast, immature and depressed ENTJ after becoming the beast, gradually becoming tamed and mature ENTJ because of Belle's influence). I'm thinking of the original Disney version more, though.
  15. Many parents do this, and I think it is at best unecessary, and at worst harmful, depending on what exactly the different treatments entail. Unecessary because all children should develop basic life skills to survive and thrive, wherever possible, regardless of gender: being responsible for yourself, cooking, cleaning, a desire to learn, a work ethic, being fit and strong, a healthy and active lifestyle, a mature and safe attitude towards sex, consideration towards others, self-esteem, valuing yourself as a person, to be curious, to question things and gather information to make up their own minds rather than accepting everything as the truth or the best method, to name just a few. Beyond that, it can be harmful to automatically divide along gender lines. Every child will have different needs, and their gender need not be a part of that. Some boys' needs may be closer to the "typical" girl, and vice versa. Disregarding the child's own needs and preferences because of the parents' own strict ideas of what it is to be male or female can lead to forcing many children to go against their own instincts and nature because of these sociological and biological "trends". Not only is that detrimental to their own development, the stereotypical gendered approach to parenting can also play a big part in the creation of gendered problems, such as: body image issues and self-value being tied to heavily to appearance for girls, lack of compassion and not seeking help or bottling emotions for boys, amongst many others. There's enough unhealthy pressure to behave or appear a certain way from peers, the media, and the rest of society, as it is. They don't need that shit at home too.