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About Ericds84

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  • Location
    Aurora, CO
  • Occupation
  • Interests
    Hiking, backpacking, canoeing, skiing, playing guitar, composing music, pondering existence, writing
  • Gender
  1. UPDATE So I finally ended it, and she fought it like hell and still denies doing anything wrong. The OP situation finally came to a head around Valentine's Day when I told her I didn't want the relationship to continue after she started probing about where we'd be going to dinner, etc. She cried and threw a fit and told me a sob story about how her hormones had been affecting her from changing & going on/off birth control, etc. and how bad she felt not having sex with me, and she said she was afraid to talk about it because she thought I'd accuse her of cheating again. In hindsight I can see that this was very manipulative. I should have been firm and ended it but instead I went down the road of telling her that I'd seen her conversations with dudes, seen her acknowledge seeing other people etc. She just sheepishly lied that she'd said those things to "sound cool" but that they weren't true. I had family coming to visit in couple of weeks and I didn't really want to subject them to our breakup while they were my house guests, so I kicked the can down the road and decided the next time I saw her do something stupid I would end it. Recently she's been gone a lot, even for her. She told me she was going to be dogsitting for a person I'd never even heard of a day before she was to begin. It entailed her staying the night, for some reason. The final straw was her going out late one Friday to hang out with a guy friend, only for me to get a 2am text that she was too drunk to drive home. The next morning when I confronted her, the story changed and she said she'd been hanging out with one of her girlfriends and that she'd told me that the night before. She insisted she'd done nothing wrong. I told her it wasn't acceptable for a person in a committed cohabiting relationship, it wasn't acceptable for a person who aspired to be married, it wasn't acceptable for a 33 year old. Finally I told her I wasn't happy and it didn't look like she was either, and for some reason that's what got her to accept that we were over. She continued to tell me that I was wrong and she hadn't done anything wrong, told me she still loved me, and volunteered to move out. She admitted she'd already looked into it. Afterwards I couldn't help but have one last snoop since she stays logged into her email on my laptop. Lo and behold plane tickets for two to NYC and an email forwarded to someone she addressed as "Babe." So I'm not losing any sleep. And some poetic justice that gives me just a tiny bit of faith in this universe... The other day she comes storming in with a $3,000 medical bill for an IUD she had installed in January, asking me what she should do. I told her it's her problem. Apparently she didn't notice that her pap results showing she was hi-risk HPV positive were there too. So glad to be done. Now tell me what a hell of a bullet I've dodged!
  2. I just figured it out--the speech bubble icon is to comment, not respond. Anyway, I'm surprised women are advocating the change the locks maneuver...seems pretty passive aggressive and immature. This is a pretty fair assessment. Hopefully it's something useful I can take away from this situation. What I meant to post previously was that she is very well liked by my friends and family. I'll probably be blamed when it ends.
  3. I know I'm a catch. I've had more (and prettier) women flirt with me in the past 2 years than in the entirety of my 20s. However, I'm very reluctant to be seen as a catch BECAUSE of my job/house/money, whatever. I want to be valued as a person. Despite my being very circumspect, there's no doubt she latched on to this aspect of me. I don't think I have low self esteem. But I do feel this odd responsibility to save/fix people, and I think this relationship has embodied that. In the past it's played out more with friendships than romantic relationships. She's one of these people who'll keep doing reckless, irresponsible, self-sabotaging things, where her life is always on the very edge of complete collapse. I suppose I've wanted to believe she was a victim of her circumstances and that, given the opportunity, she'd make prudent decisions. Time and time again she's proven me wrong.
  4. My girlfriend and I have been dating for nearly 4 years, and it's become apparent that I need to end things--but I just can't seem to pull the trigger. We're both in our early 30s. We moved in together about a year and a half ago, and our relationship has gotten worse since. I bought a bigger, centrally located house to accommodate both of us, and though she has no financial stake in it, she was involved in home shopping and we consider it "our" house. We discussed splitting expenses fairly, considering I earn significantly more than her, but shortly after moving in she began avoiding paying what she agreed to. At this point her only contribution is covering a few utilities that, at most, might be $300/month. Meanwhile, I pay the mortgage, property tax, insurance, upkeep & repairs, groceries, meals out, vacations, etc. Despite having such minimal expenses at home and a small car payment, she is constantly broke, paycheck to paycheck. I've also discovered she lied to me about credit card debt she has. This financial incompatibility has been a concern I wanted addressed prior to marriage. She joined a gym and began training--which has been a great thing for her that I encouraged--but all of a sudden she became perpetually absent. In addition to avoiding her financial obligations, she stopped helping around the house. I cook all the meals, clean up afterwards, dust, vacuum, tidy up, do all the yard work, do the laundry--everything. As part of her training she insisted on a particular diet--which would not be my preference--but I accommodated. The food is more expensive, and takes more effort to prepare. Also, she would be at the gym late, so I often ate alone, put the leftovers in the fridge, and it ultimately got thrown out. Her doctor took her off birth control due to her blood pressure, and our sex life pretty much came to a halt. She's a teacher, and over her summer break she was hardly present, often out past midnight. I was cautious to criticize her, because I like to go backpacking/camping/skiing etc. She doesn't enjoy these activities, so I do them without her. I expect her to trust me when I'm away, sometimes a week or two at a time, and I didn't feel the need to police where she was and who she was with. However, I told her that when she's gone daily, that she won't have a single weeknight dinner with me at home, I feel like I'm a low priority. She defended her decision to spend her time with her friends, accused me of trying to isolate her from them, and told me to get my own friends if I needed more social interaction. I dropped the issue. Over labor day I went on a backpacking trip with some friends out of state. When I got home it was clear she'd been entertaining a guest. A lot of alcohol had disappeared and there was strange body hair in my shower/sink, Shortly thereafter I discovered birth control that she'd stashed in another room and was taking. Given all these things, I confronted her and accused her of cheating. She vehemently denied it, claimed the guest had been a girlfriend, the birth control was a "surprise" for me, etc. She accused me of not loving her, and we had a long talk where I told her the problems I saw and we agreed to work on them. Unfortunately, nothing changed. She's still absent, I still do all the work and pay for everything. Recently I've been waking up in the middle of the night to find her on her phone. She left her Facebook up on my computer, and I snooped. She's having flirty conversations with all sorts of different dudes, she acknowledges cheating in one conversation, saying we "took a break" and she "dated other people" (!), conversations with her friends where she basically says she's with me till something better comes along. I feel more angry that I'm being used/taken advantage of than cheated on or lied to. And yet, somehow, I feel like breaking up with her would make me a shitty person, that I bought this house with the prospect of us sharing it. And I know SHE'S the one who betrayed me. I was ready to have the talk with her a couple weekends ago right after this discovery, and then she got a flat tire and it seemed shitty to say "We're done, and by the way, deal with this problem by yourself." Then last weekend she was so sick she basically slept the whole weekend. Now it feels like this is stale news and out of the blue, and I've been living this lie of being her boyfriend knowing that we're over. Can you people please tell me what I need to hear to just end this?
  5. Here's the thing...what works for one woman may not for another. If you try to transfer what pleased your last partner to your new partner, a lot of the time it's not going to work. So there's an expectation the first few times having sex with a new person that you're still figuring each other out and it's not going to be perfect. In your case, you can use this to your benefit. She thinks you're getting used to each other, you're really figuring out sex overall--you can pull it off!
  6. I say stick it out for a year. It looks better on a resume, it's a time period in which you actually can develop your skills and become more knowledgeable, and you may even make inroads with your colleagues. I worked for Schwab as a broker straight out of college and worked for a manager who had no interest in getting to know me or learning my abilities. To him I was every other kid their recent-grad broker machine churned out--something to be despised. It didn't help that he was somewhat sour grapes because he'd gotten knocked back down to managing a team of brokers from a pretty cushy director position. I quit after a year and took a new job that paid 28% more and, after performing well, I saw another 35% increase the following year. But what I learned in that first year primed me for that transition.
  7. If you have to ask...you'll never know.
  8. 32 male, 5'7", and weigh about 125 lbs +/- Good genetics no doubt play a role, but I reinforce them with good habits. Borderline underweight but don't really see a problem--it's just how my body operates. I generally keep strong base-line habits: oatmeal every day for breakfast, don't add anything to my coffee, sugar-free organic peanut butter sandwich for lunch, munch on raw almonds, yogurt, and apples/seasonal fruit during the working week. Usually eat out twice a week and don't worry about what I order. Interesting shift came about 6 months ago. Girlfriend decided to go low-carb, so we cut out pasta-based meals almost entirely. She'd been working out and needed to up her protein. So I went from being near vegetarian, eating meat 1-2x per week, to eating it nearly daily. Pork chops, chicken breast, ground turkey, salmon, tenderloin steaks are the weeknight staples. Broccoli, asparagus, and sweet potato sides. Reintroduced butter and started using salt more per my girlfriend's wishes. My girlfriend, in combination with exercise, lost about 25 pounds. I actually dropped about 10 lbs to my current weight of 125 while keeping my activity the same. My body fat percentage fell to about 12% from 19%. Cholesterol and triglicerides rose a bit, but are still well below the medical guidelines. Good cholesterol is excellent, blood pressure's low, all that good stuff.
  9. ...or so one would think. My uncle has this way of turning every topic into a conversation about god. I swear, he can't pick out a pair of socks without divine intervention. What's bothersome is he talks to me about it nonstop, but in other company he keeps it much more minimal. My dilemma is that I don't know whether he talks about it because he thinks I need to hear it (because he can sense I don't believe) or because he obliviously thinks I agree with him and am as obsessed with it as he is. If it's the former, telling him the truth would make things worse. If it's the latter, it could solve the problem.
  10. The gibberish is more along the lines of early dementia in my (limited) experience. A lot of forgetting names of proper nouns--calling a water bottle a "soda pop," a lighter a "flame thrower," other everyday items "whatchacallits" and whatnot. Calling me by my father's name, referring to my grandmother as my mother, me as his brother, etc. Gibberish words inserted here and there. Sometimes short declaritive sentences that are meaningless, where I'll respond, "I have no idea what you're saying," and he'll struggle to put an idea together.
  11. I don't know that it's auditory. The way he describes it makes it sound more like an "awareness"--but my uncle makes it very clear that god's words are conveyed to him in English. Having seen real schizophrenia up close and personal, it doesn't seem quite that my uncle's behavior reaches that level--but possibly another form of mental illness? My uncle just flat out denies that mental illness is medically recognized--which is a ludicrous assertion in the age of Google. He also denies that medications work. It doesn't help that my father received treatment in the days of electroschock therapy. My uncle claims that insanity is defined in legal terms for courts of law, but doctors throw their hands up and admit they can't define it. Obviously there's a distinction between treatment and a cure, as well. He does have a friend who is a generic unreligious sort. When my uncle starts talking religion in front of him, this guy starts talking about how he believes the earth sits on a tortoise that's sitting on an elephant. For every "praise Jesus," he comes back with "praise the tortoise!" My uncle and aunt have had a conversation about how he talks like this, and they're genuinely confused. They know he doesn't believe what he's saying, but they can't make the connection that he is making a point about how religious people sound to those who don't share their faith. Maybe I should adopt some archaic religion too.
  12. Several years ago I was visiting my uncle and saw the woman he'd taken in speaking in tongues. Some acquaintance of his had a teen/young adult child who had a mental illness episode (can't remember, maybe a suicide attempt?), and my uncle was trying to intervene and prevent this person from receiving medical care. The woman led a prayer (she must not have known I was there) and these weird hebrew-sounding bellows just sort of began erupting from her. I felt like I'd walked into a cult.
  13. When I say I'm not militant, all I mean is that I don't generally volunteer my atheism, I don't try to convince or argue with others about it, and, frankly, atheism and disbelief in religion are two separate things. It's exactly this. Lot's of people talk to god. When you start claiming god's talking back, you're putting yourself in pretty rarefied company. You also start to behave any way you want, because you feel you're justified. If it weren't for the fact that established psychology makes a carve-out for religion due to its prevalence, all religious behavior could be fairly classified as delusion. Unfortunately, mental illness is defined in terms of deviations from norms, and lots of irrational behaviors are nonetheless normal.
  14. Morzone--that was in response to Monte calling him "too stable." Writing my uncle off would be the easy thing to do, but I don't believe it's the right thing to do.