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Janae

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About Janae

  • Rank
    Member

Personality

  • MBTI
    INFJ
  • Enneagram
    4w5
  • Personal DNA
    Independent Creator
  1. This, this, this. Recognize your own emotional response to the situation. What's that about? Sounds like you took her complaint as a personal attack and got defensive, rather than making an effort to understand and acknowledge your girlfriend's perspective. Which, given that you like her company and care about her as a person, would be the logical response ;)
  2. Go buy an aloe plant, the kind with smaller bright green spotty leaves. Break off a leaf and smear the juice/goo all over your face and just let it dry on there. After it's dry you can dab on a bit of face lotion if your skin feels dry/tight. Brew up some plain green tea, let it cool, and use the tea bag to dab green tea onto your face. Let it dry and dab on some more. Can also dab on lotion after it dries if needed. Be kind to your skin; pamper it and be gentle. It's under stress and you can't attack the acne without attacking your skin. So just build up your skin's health and strength so it can take care of itself. Also go to a dermatologist!
  3. Yep, Murakami is a contemporary novelist. Highly recommend, especially his short stories as a starting point. What you said is spot on. I had (and still occasionally have) a lot of freak-outs early on in this relationship about it diverging from the mainstream prescription of a happy, healthy relationship. I started out very much from an experimental perspective, not really expecting it to work for me but knowing I'd at least learn from the experience. I'm so very happy that I took that chance.
  4. Well, as I only actually have one romantic relationship atm and have never had more than one going at once, my frame of reference there is really more the departure from traditional linear progression monogamy (dating -> marriage -> house -> kids). There are all kinds of examples of this kind of love, probably most commonly in the form of affairs, mistresses, that sort of thing. But most resonant for me right now are the relationships you see in Murakami's work, which generally have a male protagonist beset by all sorts of obstacles and missions. There are always women in supporting roles, sometimes actually supporting, sometimes presenting more mystery and confusion. Murakami does a great job of balancing the warmth and connection often found in the relationships that transpire with the essential existential isolation of the individual, both for the protagonist and for the others. The relationships are often transient and unpredictable, and of varying degrees of intensity. Very unlike your standard love story. Another example would be Jane Eyre; without spoiling the ending, the disparity in social class stands against the possibility of a mainstream relationship, yet the passion between the lovers finds a way to thrive. As I was discussing with my lover, our relationship has in some sense a purity that does not exist in mainstream relationships. There is no social cachet or social function to it, no purpose served. There is simply our love and mutual enjoyment, nothing else. Of course, I obviously would prefer to have all the usual benefits of being in a relationship, but there is something special to it. Some weightless feeling of being together with no pressure to think of the future. Curious how the superficial intricacy of poly can conceal the potential for the simplest, purest form of relationship I've ever encountered.
  5. Thanks for your response, Wry Satyr. I guess I have to keep trying to figure out what's possible and what will work for me personally in this situation; it's crazy how sometimes it feels like there's so much on the line and other times it seems as though I can't lose. If nothing else this has been the most educational relationship I've ever had. On some level it recalls the great, non-traditional romances of certain works of classic literature, which is some consolation as I stray from the comfortable mainstream.
  6. I have been involved with a polyamorous man for about seven months. I never thought I would be in such a situation, but at the time that I met him I had been so unsuccessful with traditional dating that it seemed worth a shot. It has been a roller coaster. He is engaged to a woman he's been dating for four years, they live together and are trying to get pregnant. He was pretty cagey about this early on; he didn't tell me about the nonmonogamy until our fourth date and didn't make it clear that he had a primary already for several weeks. Also, he claims not to enforce any kind of hierarchy on his relationships except that he will only cohabitate, procreate, and get married with her (she's essentially monogamous). Otherwise, he is free to spend his time with whom he will, and is actively meeting people through OKC and wherever else. Unfortunately, there was a bizarrely complicated situation early on in which I happened to meet the fiancée when I was utterly unprepared to do so, and she holds a grudge against me for being "rude" by failing to make her acquaintance properly. She has been burned in the past by his girlfriends. We haven't met again and there is still bad air around the whole issue, which makes it really easy to see her as competition rather than a love-worthy human being. I have been keeping up my dating when I can, still looking to meet someone who can be my primary. I don't know what will happen when I do meet someone else. We have talked about it, and there doesn't seem to be a solution other than try to convince the incoming party to try polyamory as well. At this point though, I don't know if I could even sustain two relationships. At times I feel like I barely have time to be a secondary girlfriend (life of a grad student), and a traditional relationship would probably eat up a lot of my time. More importantly, I don't know what would happen emotionally. I have no inherent desire for the polyamorous lifestyle, but now I'm in a situation where I love someone who can only offer a limited relationship. Poly is hard. I think the hardest part is being beyond the realm of social acceptance. My family and friends are mostly horrified for me, and even those who are kind enough to be happy if I am happy are worried for me. Now that I've gotten all the bad stuff out there, I want to say that this relationship has been a huge source of growth and happiness for me. When we are together it seems the world is our oyster, and his love for me feels boundless. We have had some wonderful experiences and conversations. He has stated numerous times that despite his extensive dating history our relationship is very special to him. For me, it is the most honest relationship I've had with a man. I guess I just needed to share this in a nonjudgmental space with people who may understand. I'd love to get some feedback on what may be red flags, things I may be missing, etc. This has also been a really interesting thread to read, so thanks for that!
  7. Why are you opposed to including fats? Did you end up going with the stainless steel? I could never get my eggs not to stick to stainless steel no matter how much oil I used. But I've never heated a pan that slowly either.
  8. Just be open. Ask her what she's looking for. If she is only around another few months, maybe she would consider a short-term thing. Or maybe she would be happy to be your friend who cares about you and makes you feel good and heals those wounds, without building expectations of you. You guys can negotiate what you each want and need, IF you put it on the table. It's never too early to DTR with an INFJ; if anything, especially with the ambiguous casual zone, it should be negotiated continuously to make sure you're staying on the same page. Don't expect her to do it first, you're the one with the baggage.
  9. You need to be upfront with her about this. It sounds like you are very committed to staying casual--there is no way you're going to let this relationship develop. And if you're acting like you want to "see where it goes" and getting your emotional needs met, you're going to lull her into a false sense of safety, you're going to encourage her to get attached, and you're not going to be able to reciprocate any of it, and it will end badly. The only honorable thing you can do is let her know clearly and explicitly what your limits are in terms of involvement. If you can be friends with her and keep it strictly to that level, she might be able to work with it. I think many INFJs will agree with me when I say that we don't understand this "casual" thing. Intellectually I kind of get it, but I don't relate whatsoever. Emotionally it makes absolutely no sense, and it's asking for pain. Big difference between a relationship not working out because of differences and one that where there are no obvious reasons to break up, but one partner was never going to give it a chance to begin with. Seems disrespectful in a way. Bottom line, she deserves to be able to choose whether to date you as is, and you have the choice to date her as is. Don't take away her choice by being dishonest about who and where you are.
  10. Yep, it doesn't seem to matter where these functions fall in the stack, FeTi is like a common language--we understand each other. This is true for me with ENTPs, INTPs, even the STPs, although I don't always have a lot in common with them. I figured the greater tendency of Fe users to conform to and respect local social and cultural values was a part of this; we all know we're following a lot of the same familiar scripts and it's easy to follow along. I've noticed the "coldness" thing in some foreigners who simply aren't following these scripts, regardless of whether they have friendly intentions. Same with Fi users--they can be disdainful or simply oblivious to these social niceties, or have their own unique scripts, which makes me wonder if there are two camps, like you implied, or one big Fe camp and a bunch of idiosyncratic Fi users. I'm not privy to very many pure Fi-Fi interactions, love to have others chime in.
  11. I would assume she was waiting for someone in particular, seems like women don't go out to social places on their own--at least, I would be uncomfortable doing so.
  12. Um, you're seeing a girl right now? Is your roommate aware of this fact? Could be the reason for the distance if she found out around the time you moved in. No INFJ would see you as a viable romantic option if you had someone already, serious or not. The way I see it, she probably got excited about meeting someone like-minded and interesting, then reverted to quite a lesser degree of openness when she remembered how little you know each other. Hope that makes sense.
  13. I can do it, but that doesn't mean it's easy. If the person appears to genuinely want to fix things, it's extremely unlikely that I won't try too. In the past, I've doorslammed people and never looked back. As I've grown more mature I've come to realize my part in events leading up to such situations and become much more flexible--I might distance myself, but there's much more of a grey zone. Then again, I've never had someone act so egregiously heinous that doorslamming was the only appropriate consequence, lucky me.
  14. Direct, do you like the person you're with to have that option as well? Would you say she/they know that's what you have in mind when you say that?
  15. There's a lot more where this came from, if you can handle unflappably happy music