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  1. The downside of trying to recover, as opposed to avoiding trying to recover, is that I can make a huge push forward, I might accomplish one little thing more, and then for the next three days I'm lazier than ever.   By lazier, I mean more schizophrenic.  I mean that I feel those 'negative symptoms', the things that take away while I'm trying to add value.  About three minutes ago, I contemplated suicide.  (No don't worry, not going to happen). Even though I should be celebrating because I ate breakfast, lunch, and dinner today.  I made two of those three meals at home, the meal out was a healthy sandwich but also one of those damned iced coffees.  But I refused two more opportunities for junk food I would usually have taken up.  So, win?  It doesn't feel like it.  I want to be feeling happy and confident with plenty of things to do and people to laugh with, but I'm not.  I just put 'so much effort' in, just so that I would NOT go too far backwards.

    Why shouldn't my life be charmed?  Why shouldn't  I have a healthy body that glows with inner beauty?  Why should I be so turbulent and troubled despite having everything wonderful on the outside?  Why should I have either pain, or flatness and nothingness?  I just have to accept these things mindfully.  This is the experience, how it is, not judge it.  I can hear my psychologist saying this and I wish she was here so I could punch her.  No, I don't really want to punch her.

    But it's so lonely when nobody understands, I can't really connect with others.

    Forget all this crap.  I'm going to do some more singing, in public, and this time it will be solo.  I'm going to go for Disney.  Something happy and glorious rather than a moody, gloomy, deep dark depth of emotion kind of thing.  Who wants to hear stuff like this blog?

  2. In this version, Arachne was a shepherd's daughter who began weaving at an early age. She became a great weaver, boasted that her skill was greater than that of Athena, and refused to acknowledge that her skill came, in part at least, from the goddess. Athena took offense and set up a contest between them. Presenting herself as an old lady, she approached the boasting girl and warned: "You can never compare to any of the gods. Plead for forgiveness and Athena might spare your soul."

    "Ha! I only speak the truth and if Athena thinks otherwise then let her come down and challenge me herself," Arachne replied. Athena removed her disguise and appeared in shimmering glory, clad in a sparkling white chiton. The two began weaving straight away. Athena's weaving represented four separate contests between mortals and the gods in which the gods punished mortals for setting themselves as equals of the gods. Arachne's weaving depicted ways that the gods had misled and abused mortals, particularly Zeus, tricking and seducing many women. When Athena saw that Arachne had not only insulted the gods, but done so with a work far more beautiful than Athena's own, she was enraged. She ripped Arachne's work into shreds, and hit her on the head three times. In rage, Arachne hanged herself. Then Athena said "'Live on then, and yet hang, condemned one, but, lest you are careless in future, this same condition is declared, in punishment, against your descendants, to the last generation!' After saying this she sprinkled her with the juice of Hecate's herb, and immediately at the touch of this dark poison, Arachne's hair fell out. With it went her nose and ears, her head shrank to the smallest size, and her whole body became tiny. Her slender fingers stuck to her sides as legs, the rest is belly, from which she still spins a thread, and, as a spider, weaves her ancient web." This showed how goddesses punished those who were mortal.

    http://ovid.lib.virginia.edu/trans/Metamorph6.htm

    BkVI:1-25 Arachne rejects Minerva

        Tritonian Minerva had listened to every word, and approved of the Aonian Muses’s song, and their justified indignation. Then she said, to herself, ‘To give praise is not enough, let me be praised as well, and not allow my divine powers to be scorned without inflicting punishment.’ Her thoughts turned to Arachne, of Maeonia, whom she had heard would not give her due credit, in the art of spinning. The girl was not known for her place of birth, or family, but for her skill. Her father, Idmon of Colophon, dyed the absorbent wool purple, with Phocaean murex. Her mother was dead. She too had been of humble birth, and the father the same. Nevertheless, though she lived in a modest home, in little Hypaepa, Arachne had gained a name for artistry, throughout the cities of Lydia.

        Often the nymphs of Mount Tmolus deserted their vine-covered slopes, and the nymphs of the River Pactolus deserted their waves, to examine her wonderful workmanship. It was not only a joy to see the finished cloths, but also to watch them made: so much beauty added to art.  Whether at first she was winding the rough yarn into a new ball, or working the stuff with her fingers, teasing out the clouds of wool, repeatedly, drawing them into long equal threads, twirling the slender spindle with practised thumb, or embroidering with her needle, you could see she was taught by Pallas. Yet she denied it, and took offense at the idea of such a teacher. ‘Contend with me’ she said ‘I will not disagree at all if I am beaten’.

    Bk VI:26-69 Pallas Minerva challenges Arachne

        Pallas Minerva took the shape of an old woman: adding grey hair to her temples, and ageing her limbs, which she supported with a stick. Then she spoke, to the girl, as follows. ‘Not everything old age has is to be shunned: knowledge comes with advancing years. Do not reject my advice: seek great fame amongst mortals for your skill in weaving, but give way to the goddess, and ask her forgiveness, rash girl, with a humble voice: she will forgive if you will ask.’ Arachne looked fiercely at her and left the work she was on: scarcely restraining her hands, and with dark anger in her face. Pallas, disguised it is true, received this answer. ‘Weak-minded and worn out by tedious old age, you come here, and having lived too long destroys you. Let your daughter-in-law if you have one, let your daughter if you have one, listen to your voice. I have wisdom enough of my own. You think your advice is never heeded: that is my feeling too. Why does she not come herself? Why does she shirk this contest?

        The goddess said ‘She is here!’ and, relinquishing the old woman’s form, revealed Pallas Minerva. The nymphs and the Phrygian women worshipped her godhead: the girl alone remained unafraid, yet she did blush, as the sky is accustomed to redden when Aurora first stirs, and, after a while, to whiten at the sun from the east. She is stubborn in her attempt, and rushes on to her fate, eager for a worthless prize. Now, Jupiter’s daughter does not refuse, and does not give warning, or delay the contest a moment. Immediately they both position themselves, in separate places, and stretch out the fine threads, for the warp, over twin frames. The frame is fastened to the cross-beam; the threads of the warp separated with the reed; the thread of the weft is inserted between, in the pointed shuttles that their fingers have readied; and, drawn through the warp, the threads of the weft are beaten into place, struck by the comb’s notched teeth. They each work quickly, and, with their clothes gathered in tight, under their breasts, apply skilful arms, their zeal not making it seem like work. There, shades of purple, dyed in Tyrian bronze vessels, are woven into the cloth, and also lighter colours, shading off gradually. The threads that touch seem the same, but the extremes are distant, as when, often, after a rainstorm, the expanse of the sky, struck by the sunlight, is stained by a rainbow in one vast arch, in which a thousand separate colours shine, but the eye itself still cannot see the transitions. There, are inserted lasting threads of gold, and an ancient tale is spun in the web.

    Bk VI:70-102 Pallas weaves her web

        Pallas Athene depicts the hill of Mars, and the court of the Aeropagus, in Cecrops’s Athens, and the old dispute between Neptune and herself, as to who had the right to the city and its name. There the twelve gods sit in great majesty, on their high thrones, with Jupiter in the middle. She weaves the gods with their familiar attributes. The image of Jupiter is a royal one. There she portrays the Ocean god, standing and striking the rough stone, with his long trident, and seawater flowing from the centre of the shattered rock, a token of his claim to the city. She gives herself a shield, a sharp pointed spear, and a helmet for her head, while the aegis protects her breast. She shows an olive-tree with pale trunk, thick with fruit, born from the earth at a blow from her spear, the gods marvelling: and Victory crowns the work.

        Then she adds four scenes of contest in the four corners, each with miniature figures, in their own clear colours, so that her rival might learn, from the examples quoted, what prize she might expect, for her outrageous daring. One corner shows Thracian Mount Rhodope and Mount Haemus, now icy peaks, once mortal beings who ascribed the names of the highest gods to themselves. A second corner shows the miserable fate of the queen of the Pygmies: how Juno, having overcome her in a contest, ordered her to become a crane and make war on her own people. Also she pictures Antigone, whom Queen Juno turned into a bird for having dared to compete with Jupiter’s great consort: neither her father Laomedon, nor her city Ilium were of any use to her, but taking wing as a white stork she applauds herself with clattering beak. The only corner left shows Cinyras, bereaved: and he is seen weeping as he clasps the stone steps of the temple that were once his daughters’ limbs. Minerva surrounded the outer edges with the olive wreaths of peace (this was the last part) and so ended her work with emblems of her own tree.

    Bk VI:103-128 Arachne weaves hers in reply

        The Maeonian girl depicts Europa deceived by the form of the bull: you would have thought it a real bull and real waves. She is seen looking back to the shore she has left, and calling to her companions, displaying fear at the touch of the surging water, and drawing up her shrinking feet. Also Arachne showed Asterie, held by the eagle, struggling, and Leda lying beneath the swan’s wings. She added Jupiter who, hidden in the form of a satyr, filled Antiope, daughter of Nycteus with twin offspring; who, as Amphitryon, was charmed by you, Alcmena, of Tiryns; by Danaë, as a golden shower; by Aegina, daughter of Asopus, as a flame; by Mnemosyne, as a shepherd; by Proserpine, Ceres’s daughter, as a spotted snake. 

        She wove you, Neptune, also, changed to a fierce bull for Canace, Aeolus’s daughter. In Enipeus’s form you begot the Aloidae, and deceived Theophane as a ram. The golden-haired, gentlest, mother of the cornfields, knew you as a horse. The snake-haired mother of the winged horse, knew you as a winged bird.Melantho knew you as a dolphin. She gave all these their own aspects, and the aspects of the place. Here is Phoebus like a countryman, and she shows him now with the wings of a hawk, and now in a lion’s skin, and how as a shepherd he tricked Isse, Macareus’s daughter. She showed how Bacchus ensnared Erigone with delusive grapes, and how Saturn as the double of a horse begot Chiron. The outer edge of the web, surrounded by a narrow border, had flowers interwoven with entangled ivy.

    Bk VI:129-145 Arachne is turned into a spider 

        Neither Pallas nor Envy itself could fault that work. The golden-haired warrior goddess was grieved by its success, and tore the tapestry, embroidered with the gods’ crimes, and as she held her shuttle made of boxwood from Mount Cytorus, she struck Idmonian Arachne, three or four times, on the forehead. The unfortunate girl could not bear it, and courageously slipped a noose around her neck: Pallas, in pity, lifted her, as she hung there, and said these words, ‘Live on then, and yet hang, condemned one, but, lest you are careless in future, this same condition is declared, in punishment, against your descendants, to the last generation!’ Departing after saying this, she sprinkled her with the juice of Hecate’s herb, and immediately at the touch of this dark poison, Arachne’s hair fell out. With it went her nose and ears, her head shrank to the smallest size, and her whole body became tiny. Her slender fingers stuck to her sides as legs, the rest is belly, from which she still spins a thread, and, as a spider, weaves her ancient web.

     

  3. Storm
    Latest Entry

    Three months later and you're ready to give a speech at one of the popular ADAM talks that you  hope will supply a science-sided counter to Jabez's new religion.

    You walk out onto the stage. The audience polite cheers greet you like a gentle rain. The stage lights obscures the audience's faces. Your shoes click across the floor and you assume an easy stance.

    "Welcome, to Yesterday" you say as the digital visual presentation cues up behind you, pictures of old people.

    Over the next hour you step through the slides for the next hour, explaining the possibility gene mutation that allows its owner to regenerate cells with few defects, allowing for extremely long life. Theoretical for now, but some believe it may explain the religious leader Adam's claim. You end by promoting your new book.

    After the talk, you walk back stage to find Elden waiting for you, "Good job, but is it enough?"

    "No,"  you respond, "not yet. But you know how this is, nothing is overnight, even now."

    "This is dangerous, though," Elden responds, "Every minute we spend in the limelight..."

    "It's the same for Jabez, though," you remind him.

    Elden's eyes flicker for a second and he grabs your hand uttering, "We have to go."

    You look behind you to see what startled Elden and see

    (see poll)

     

  4. (If anybody's going to Def Con this summer hit me up.)

    So... this week was garbage. Had a pretty eye opening moment about my boss, and it's really hard to respect him anymore. He got pissed over a big nothing, and instead of saying something about it he stuffed it down until it exploded out in a shower of theatrics and petty histrionics. Then he was really shitty for a couple days, then today he started acting fine again. Like everything's supposed to be cool again now that he feels better about things.

    I think from now on I'm going to keep it strictly professional at the factory. I'm tired of putting in the work it takes to maintain friendships, when those are disregarded when anyone feels like it. Where's the value in it if it doesn't do the one thing I want it there for?

    Other than that I'm excited for my trips this summer.

    I'll probably be in Alaska from the weekend before until the fourth of July. Excited for the trip both because I get to see a friend I haven't hung out with in a while and also because on my mission to see all 50 states, I figured Alaska and Hawaii would be the hardest to manage. Having an excuse to go is cool, and I'm told it's really pretty in summer.

    I'm going to a cybersecurity convention in Vegas with one of my ATL friends - hopefully to include some time chilling with my Vegas friend. Down to meet up if any forumers are going to be there. I'm probably coming home with implants, too, and I'm super excited about that.

    Also trying to arrange a get together with a friend in Michigan. We've had plans to meet up something like 3 times already, but circumstances keep getting in the way. Hopefully I can tack on a visit to the beginning or end of my other trips, but it also depends on my friend's travel schedule too.

    There's also an east coast friend I was planning to visit this summer, but she's been distant lately. We hung out some last year, and it was great, but she fell off the radar soon after. I think she might be a bigger hermit than even I am, which is saying something. We'll see how it goes.

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    catzama
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    Hey guys. Hope all is well with you.

  5. Polymath20
    Latest Entry

    The gambit has been fully committed. 

  6. I was supposed to do these blogs daily to record how I've been feeling. However, as observation clearly shows, I haven't.

    To be honest, I'm finding it difficult to find time and a right mindset to do it, which seems to be a bit of a reoccurring theme at the moment. However, The past few days I've been doing assignment work during the night hours at the library and when I've got home I've basically gone straight to bed. So, to be honest, there hasn't really been a lot of time for me to sit down and think things through, which is just as well as overthinking seems to be the main cause of my depression. 

    That said, that's not to say that I haven't been feeling low at times. When I do get a moment, I do still overthink and occasionally sink into a low state of mind, where feelings of loneliness and alienation.

    But, it's been about 12 days since I started taking medication and I've noticed that the past couple of days I've gone to sleep faster and waken up feeling a bit happier. It's still not perfect, but It's nice to wake up and have a bit of get up and go about me. There doesn't seem to be any side effects, although I did notice I had a bit of a dry mouth for about 3 days when I first started taking the medication, but it's gone now, so that's good. 

    I'm due to see the doctor soon too. He didn't specify a date, but rather said to see him "at the end of the month," so I'll probably book an appointment tomorrow after I see the Mental Health person tomorrow. Hopefully, there's enough information in these blogs to build up some kind of foundations to help me. 

    We might be going to another concert this week too, to see Vega. Like Reckless Love, they're playing in Camden, albeit at a different venue. But, I'm waiting to see what I'm like for money before I spend £20+ that I might not have!

    Anyway, in terms of the last few days have been okay in terms of how I've been feeling. I wake up feeling fine and go to bed feeling a bit empty. The pit in my stomach also seems to have timetabled itself to only cause that feeling at night or when I'm on my own and thinking, rather than randomly during the day. Which is obviously an improvement, but still less than desirable.

    Today's Mood Stats:

    Morning: 5/10
    Night: 3/10 
    When Socialising: 6/10 (didn't really speak to many people today)

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    This entry will seem piecemeal because it is, I am gathering posts I have written in my other blog because I had forgotten about that one.

    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    I had received a triops kit when I was a kid, but my grandfather thought they were sea-water creatures, so he had put salt in the water, effectively killing the eggs before they could hatch. I recently bought one to try it again.

    Apparently triops may live up to 100 days and they keep growing in the process, but in general they die before reaching 5 cm and 6 weeks old. It might be interesting to see if diet, or selective breeding (to the extent where it can be done since I don't even know if I have any males or just hermaphrodites in my sample) can increase that. I have heard claims that maybe an increase in potassium or some nutrients may allow them to grow much bigger.

    Ideally, I want to get one of them at least big enough for a proper dissection, especially the three eyes.

    I could also take a look at the microbes that constitute the ecology in their water once it gets established since they feed on bacteria. I am particularly interested in possible fungi being involved as well and I haven't seen anything yet concerning that.

     

    I also received my Raspberry Pi 3 (model B); now I just need to get all the necessary wires etc around it, maybe even a small screen, and start playing with it.

    If everything goes smoothly, I will start considering my long-term project of linking a few of them to make a parallel architecture (a bedroom supercomputer) and maybe thinking about a way to integrate it with the openPCR project to be able to properly work on DNA independently. Apparently someone already used such a designed structure to sequence a genome and I hope to replicate that with triops or tardigrade. Maybe in 5 years this could become operational if everything falls in my lap, and I am free, and I turn out to be a computer genius and all sorts of improbable things.

    -----------------------------------

    The triops are beggining to hatch, it's quite adorable, what I find absolutely fascinating is their rate of growth: the first borns are already twice the size of the newly born (3-4 hours apart only). You can see as well that they are pretty dysfunctional (by that I mean that the proportion with sub-optimal behavior or capacities is high). There seems to be a lot of waste in their population (ones that sink easily, others that swim in circle only, or can't "swim" exactly no matter how they move).

    I know the number of eggs I had: 65. Generally a triops nursery generates one or more big ones and the rest gets eaten or dies.

    I want to figure out when the cannibalism starts happening in their development, so I am going to isolate them in small groups as they hatch and consequently monitor individuals appropriately. When I get a feel of their significant properties, I may start selecting and monitoring pairings.

    I should start looking for a camera to be able to record them when I am not present, but I have a tight budget these days so I will have to reserach that in depth to make my choice.

  7. For anyone that has had a lengthy period where they lived by themselves (without family or roommates), did you experience some progression of personality changes?

    [a] were the changes long-lasting/permanent?

    [b] did they have any significant positive/negative impacts on any aspect of your life?

    [c] would it have been different if you did/did_not have a pet?

     

    Some family members came to visit this weekend. It was fun, and I enjoyed their company. But, I noticed there were points where I said things that would be perceived as frustrated or disinterested, which I never used to do. I didn't mean any of it. And in my head I planned for it to sound 'comical' or 'endearing', but the way I communicated it just felt so out of character.

    [d] did your verbal filter start to shift?

    It would suck if my family and friends think I'm turning into an irritable jerk. But I think I've been losing my ability to handle multiple events within a given social situation. It never bothered me before; now it completely overloads my ability to produce a desired social response. And it always comes out more negatively than I actually feel.

    [e] what could be done to improve a person's ability to efficiently process compounding streams of information?

    [f] is it just a side-effect of worrying about specific things too much?

  8. Atamagahen
    Latest Entry

    Culture of origin: Mesoamerican (Maya)

    Alux_zpsuowatjgb.jpg

    Unknown artist, Alux

     

    Pronounced "“Aloosh", plural Aluxo'ob. The creatures are very similar to the Tomte in many ways. The Aluxo'ob are small, typically benevolent entities no more than a foot and a half in height by default and with exaggerated extremities. During the majority of its life, it exists as a sprite capable of shape shifting and becoming invisible. As such, they are often not encountered, though interactions do occur. When seen, it's often described to adorn traditional Mayan garb, with differing sizes in stature due to the aforementioned shape shifting ability ranging from being the size of a small weasel to a towering 8 feet tall.

     

    Although the Aluxo'ob are very protective of their land, they will accept newcomers providing that they can be trusted. Whenever a human migrates to their territory or vise versa, it's customary that proper respect is paid, often by building a small house of stone for the Alux. It's also common to offer them tortillas and a drink of corn every Friday. In turn, this respect is highly cherished and it will assist those who it granted permission to move within its area. Typically, this is done either by patrolling and warding off thieves, and very effective guards they are as they never sleep and can easily intimidate an intruder by means of shape shifting, imitating predatory animal noises or sheer trickery. They are also able to assist farmers by guarding their crops fields from animals and insects as they are able to communicate with and convince them to become harmonious. They are also able to call forth rain and ensure a bountiful harvest by enriching the soil. As beneficial as they may be, an Alux will often grow tiresome of their company, mischief will slowly take over and they'll soon start to push boundaries and become a nuisance.  Unlike the Tomte, they are capable to causing and spreading disease through supernatural means.

     

    This doesn't only apply to the long term however, should one come across an Alux, it'd be wise to greet it respectfully and gratify any of their requests for an offering for they will provide the giver with good luck and protect them on their journey. One doesn't necessarily have to fulfill their wishes if they are unable to provide anything as the Alux is often appreciative of consideration and honest effort. However, if one refuses their request or aren't courteous to the Alux, it will curse them with rotten luck which can persist for a number of years or will take any means it can to make their life miserable.

     

    In Belizean folklore, and Alux is able to be created by those skillful enough to do so:

    In the days when grave rituals were still a part of daily life among the Maya, those who owned land would often request the priest of the village to create an Alux for them. To create an Alux requires much knowledge and proper support of prayers and offerings to the secret beings who govern life on earth, in the water, and in the air.

     

    After a satisfactory payment has been made, the oldest and most knowledgeable man in the Maya community meticulously created an Alux through an extended and ornate process. For seven Fridays, he would mold an intricate clay figure, kneading into the clay the fluids and flesh of various animals so the it would possess only the finest qualities of various animals.

     

    On the first Friday, he would form the legs and the feet of the Alux by mixing in the the flesh of a deer so his legs would swiftly and tirelessly, and the blood or ground legs of a lizard so that his step would be light and silent.

     

    On the second Friday, he added to the clay a mixture rain water which had been cooled in the night air for a total nine nights, with this and a small portion of soft corn he formed the stomach. This would ensure that the Alux would not be gluttonous and that his appetite would be small.

     

    On the third Friday, the man formed his thorax and heart. Great care was taken to saturate the heart with the blood of a dove, this would make the Alux tender and devoted to his master. Next would come the blood from a jaguar, so he would be brave, fierce and unforgiving to his enemies and would posses a heart that would not be burdened by fear, envy or sadness.

     

    On the fourth Friday, the man formed his arms and hands, using the blood and flesh of a boa constrictor and a monkey, ensuring that the Alux would be agile and strong.


    On the fifth Friday came the most intricate part of the entire process. Should anything went wrong at this point, the temperament of the Alux could become completely different from what was intended. On this day the the neck and head of the Alux to be is created. It has to be very talented and cunning; his throat and mouth should be able to imitate the voices of all the animals in the forest, and he should understand the many languages of man. His nose would be equipped with a keen sense of smell, rivaling that of a dog. His eyes would be formed using the pupils of an owl so he could see even the smallest detail in the darkest of night, and his ears would contain fluids that would make his sense of hearing sharp enough to take in sounds from the very soil on which he stood.

     

    On the sixth Friday, the figure of clay was baked in an oven over a fire fed by the wood from the guanacaste and ceiba trees. Even the choice of wood was taken into consideration, as the smoke will instill within him the endurance and resistance needed to cope with the harsh conditions of nature.

     

    On the seventh Friday, the figurine itself was complete and the priest dressed himself in ceremonial robes before taking it to the temple, where its owner-to-be awaited. In a sacred ritual, the priest called upon the gods to breathe life into the figurine. He then dressed it in rich clothes and jewels and handed it over to the owner who took the figurine  to his home. After being introduced to his friends and family, he then placed the figure in a small cave or in the hollow of a tree trunk in the forest as he dictated the services he expected from the it. The owner would then promise offerings in return before leaving when night had fallen. The figurine would then move its limbs and flex its muscles as the Alux.

     

    In the event that it becomes unruly, preventing an Alux from causing devastation for those living with one is rather simple but lengthy; just wait for a period of seven years. When the time comes around, there will be an opportunity to trap them within their small house by sealing all the openings shut. It is then the Alux will become dormant indefinitely.

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    I feel good today. Note, this a rare moment. I woke up and my whole body ached. It took me some time to fall asleep last night because my neck hurt no matter which position it was in. This morning my bones felt like breaking and I tried repositioning myself multiple times but the numb, annoying pain continued. For a second I thought that something's awfully wrong with my body :laugh: Finished Hitchiker's guide to the galaxy and am now moving on to the second book aaaand Catch 22! Funny books? Yes, funny books. I am trying to distance myself from philosophy and everything that confirms that life is indeed hopeless and painful. So I am reading easy (but not shitty and cheap) material which will allow me to have a laugh or two. I cleaned both bathrooms, vacuumed the whole house, cleaned the kitchen, wiped the furniture and my room and my other room... I exercised by myself on my terrace, with my schizophrenic grandma standing on the terrace above me and probably wondering what the hell am I doing that requires such breathing. Man, exercising at home (Achievement Get). :wacko: On a fucking yoga mat. And I felt great! Took a shower and watched a movie. Now I'm writing this. And then I'll read. A bit unsure if the books will satisfy me or interest me as much as I want them to, but I guess that doesn't matter - I'll give them a try.

     

    I even made food for myself - wowow. Usually... I'm too lazy so I try to feed myself other ways. I'm horrible. Exercise allows me to feel more comfortable when I walk and generally about my health, it's like I can freely say fuck you to many illnesses and my possible future fucked up back. But no no, my back will get strong and my posture will be great. The only problem when I feel good is that I want everything. I want to write, to draw, play the synth, program, do maths, read, do gardening, clean, watch movies, play games... Instant overload. I am slowly rebuilding myself. I didn't take care of my inner stuff and now it's all over the place. Do I feel insecure about missing out a year of university? Yes. Do I feel inferior? Yes. But why the fuck should I? Is it my fault that I grew up the way I did? Absolutely not. My dad fucking shot my dog in the ear while trying to kill him - luckily, he missed. It was New Years Eve. It was almost the worst day in my life. They were both drunk. My mom and I were screaming and couldn't approach my dad who was holding a rifle or whatever the hell it was. And many more great events. So anyone who wants to judge me for my choices, fucking do it. I dare you. I'm not saying it's their fault. I just reacted to the environment. I closed myself. Internet was my savior. I learned how to support others and myself online. I made friends online. I wasn't ever lonely. I always had the internet. Internet which would mask the noise of them fighting. Internet which would allow me to escape. Anyways, about the university stuff. I won't mope around another year wishing to die because I think that I will be a failure. I won't mope around because I physically am not able to concentrate or do what other people can. But also, I won't wear my experiences as a badge. It is extremely private, what goes on in someone's head... I just like clarifying my own thoughts like this and really, being open is not something that scares me.

     

    So yes, I am excited about university. And also scared. Can I learn? Can I fight through the insecurities? Previous experience says yes.

     

    Now.. I'm not even sure what I'm talking about. Many things just waddling in my head and it's quite overwhelming because I want to type everything at once. I still think I'm a boring person, because I probably am.. but then, I sure must be interesting to at least a small percentage of people - similar people. I see myself as a grandma. I can't wait for Tuesday to buy an expensive latex pillow so I can sleep like a queen. So excited about the pillow that I won't even try it out and maybe will order it online. I am excited about watching a movie with snacks. Something more modernish is me wanting to play guitar and signing up for this course where I'll be cool :cool: Just need to buy a guitar. It's just insane. I even miss my friend, but am scared to contact her again because I won't be able to keep up with her enthusiasm. And because perhaps she hates me.

     

    So here I am. Waiting for my sister to come home so I can talk to her a bit before having a movie night with Manfriend.

    I feel good. Perhaps I sound like a loony when I speak, but I am just... excited. Almost makes me want to cry. And this support from my family makes me cry even more. Things are good, but not good? You know what I mean? Nothing is ever 100%. My grandpa died and now we'll probably fight with the whole family because they're greedy bastards wanting to sell everything he has so they can acquire more money and my sister and I are representing my mom. I still feel empty and I still don't really think as much as I would want to and my 0,02% libido hasn't been here since I'm on these pills. But it's good. See? It's under control. I'll just switch meds. I'll find a solution. I google a lot, I read a lot. And my sister is extremely unhappy and unsure about her future. We'll fix her. We'll talk to her. We'll find hobbies to do with her. Perhaps watch movies until she feels like herself again.

     

    Here's an image I really like. Because we're both sincerely happy in it and I won't act like I'm not behaving like a puppy around him. So here's some PDA. Gross! :wacko:

    Tgdwuc2.jpg

  9. One of these days, I'll rewrite day 2, an unproductive day compared to today.  

     

    Today, thanks to being beaten up by Osaka yesterday, I woke up at 5am ready to experiment with Ramen for breakfast.  So I ventured to the touristy Namba District along a riverfront called Dotonbori.  I visited a popular Ramen place that offers individual booths to eat in.   The Ramen was designed to my specifications: Flavory broth, lots of garlic and green onions, medium noodle texture and very spicy.  While you eat in your individual booth, there's your own private window that allows you to communicate with the kitchen.  By placing a mini orange plate over a square attached to a sensor, the kitchen will receive receive an alarm sound that tells them to refill your bowl with more noodles based on the noodle texture you requested.

     

    For $20, I had a nice start to the morning.  

     

    After walking about the glitzy Dotonbori District and staring at the Glico Man Icon and Studying the psychedelic Kuidaore Taro dude pounding a drum looking like a cross between a wasted Timothy Leary, where's Waldo, and Ronald McDonald...I needed to exit this tourist infested area for somewhere tranquil away from the sexy legs and throngs of urban rush....

     

    I found a panacea when I reached the Minoh Park train station and ventured thru the well paved wilderness to Minoh Falls.

     

    It was a quiet walk despite many people marching up there in protest looking for a peaceful sanctuary and hypnotised by the falls winding creek that leads to its base.

     

    While trekking up this inclined path, older folks in their makeshift booths offered monkey souvenirs and multicolored maple leaf stickers, figurines to symbolize the approach autumnal foilage coloring to come.  They also sold maple leaves cooked in a tempura like batter, only sold in the fall..called momi....something.  Basically, it tastes like a maple leaf shaped fortune cookie.

     

    When I reached the falls and daydreamed into it, I noticed stands selling "ayu"...a fresh water river fish on a stick.  It's a tasty morsel you can eat whole.  Even the bones, organs and head are all edible.  The head had this interesting bittersweet taste about it.

     

    By the time I returned to Osaka, I found myself back in the noise if Dotonbori eating grilled Wagyu Beef.  On the grills, they don't mess around.  They give you a metal plier and a huge block of concentrated lard to grease the grill with.  The beef was on fire on that grill.

     

    Before I pass out and wake up in a rush to catch the 6am train to Hiroshima...one funny thing I saw was a diaper brand called "Moonys"...made me chuckle imagining a bunch of toddlers mooning their parents...

     

    pass out time...too tired again to edit zzzzz

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