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  1. "Two can play at that game," you say and take a sip from the thermos Elden has handed you. You smile for the first time since Charles died. This is what you need, a distraction, a job. Elden stares at you for a moment, his eyes calm, studying you. Then he turns back to the fire and watches it. You turn to watch it, too. You don't ask Elden to answer. He will when he's ready. The wood crackles and pops. You think about the logs' origin and where you likely were when its tree first sprouted. Maybe Cuba? Or Brazil? Images of powder blue cars and hot summers races across your thoughts. Motorcycle rides along a beach. Church bells ringing. And a little pine tree growing in a quiet forest far away.

    Elden sighed. "Okay, where do we start?"

    (see poll)

  2. it's impossible to get along with everyone, but it's not impossible to try to be positive. 

    sometimes it's frustrating and nothing goes the way you expect or want or hope. why am i trying to be better? i want to be a good person. what's a good person?

    i still struggle, but it's not a new struggle, it's the same crap everyone deals with. no one gets some magic pass life free of hardship in some form.

    maybe come back to this thought later.

  3. (If anybody's going to Def Con this summer hit me up.)

    So... this week was garbage. Had a pretty eye opening moment about my boss, and it's really hard to respect him anymore. He got pissed over a big nothing, and instead of saying something about it he stuffed it down until it exploded out in a shower of theatrics and petty histrionics. Then he was really shitty for a couple days, then today he started acting fine again. Like everything's supposed to be cool again now that he feels better about things.

    I think from now on I'm going to keep it strictly professional at the factory. I'm tired of putting in the work it takes to maintain friendships, when those are disregarded when anyone feels like it. Where's the value in it if it doesn't do the one thing I want it there for?

    Other than that I'm excited for my trips this summer.

    I'll probably be in Alaska from the weekend before until the fourth of July. Excited for the trip both because I get to see a friend I haven't hung out with in a while and also because on my mission to see all 50 states, I figured Alaska and Hawaii would be the hardest to manage. Having an excuse to go is cool, and I'm told it's really pretty in summer.

    I'm going to a cybersecurity convention in Vegas with one of my ATL friends - hopefully to include some time chilling with my Vegas friend. Down to meet up if any forumers are going to be there. I'm probably coming home with implants, too, and I'm super excited about that.

    Also trying to arrange a get together with a friend in Michigan. We've had plans to meet up something like 3 times already, but circumstances keep getting in the way. Hopefully I can tack on a visit to the beginning or end of my other trips, but it also depends on my friend's travel schedule too.

    There's also an east coast friend I was planning to visit this summer, but she's been distant lately. We hung out some last year, and it was great, but she fell off the radar soon after. I think she might be a bigger hermit than even I am, which is saying something. We'll see how it goes.

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    catzama
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    Hey guys. Hope all is well with you.

  4. INFJfemale
    Latest Entry

    I haven't written for a while, been too busy with life to be on the computer much.  Volunteering is going well, I'm dealing with workplace type hassles effectively.  The freezer is full of meals I've cooked extra over the past week.  I sleep in sometimes, but overall up much earlier in the morning.  I have more energy all day.  Hubby is having the opposite reaction to my getting better; the fear and the jealousy.  Change stresses him out.  But he's been coming home earlier, spending more time at home, he even cooked a meal.  This really helps me.

    I went to the library and did not research mental illness for once.

    Sorry if that was boring.  Doing better is usually boring.

  5. Polymath20
    Latest Entry

    The gambit has been fully committed. 

  6. I was supposed to do these blogs daily to record how I've been feeling. However, as observation clearly shows, I haven't.

    To be honest, I'm finding it difficult to find time and a right mindset to do it, which seems to be a bit of a reoccurring theme at the moment. However, The past few days I've been doing assignment work during the night hours at the library and when I've got home I've basically gone straight to bed. So, to be honest, there hasn't really been a lot of time for me to sit down and think things through, which is just as well as overthinking seems to be the main cause of my depression. 

    That said, that's not to say that I haven't been feeling low at times. When I do get a moment, I do still overthink and occasionally sink into a low state of mind, where feelings of loneliness and alienation.

    But, it's been about 12 days since I started taking medication and I've noticed that the past couple of days I've gone to sleep faster and waken up feeling a bit happier. It's still not perfect, but It's nice to wake up and have a bit of get up and go about me. There doesn't seem to be any side effects, although I did notice I had a bit of a dry mouth for about 3 days when I first started taking the medication, but it's gone now, so that's good. 

    I'm due to see the doctor soon too. He didn't specify a date, but rather said to see him "at the end of the month," so I'll probably book an appointment tomorrow after I see the Mental Health person tomorrow. Hopefully, there's enough information in these blogs to build up some kind of foundations to help me. 

    We might be going to another concert this week too, to see Vega. Like Reckless Love, they're playing in Camden, albeit at a different venue. But, I'm waiting to see what I'm like for money before I spend £20+ that I might not have!

    Anyway, in terms of the last few days have been okay in terms of how I've been feeling. I wake up feeling fine and go to bed feeling a bit empty. The pit in my stomach also seems to have timetabled itself to only cause that feeling at night or when I'm on my own and thinking, rather than randomly during the day. Which is obviously an improvement, but still less than desirable.

    Today's Mood Stats:

    Morning: 5/10
    Night: 3/10 
    When Socialising: 6/10 (didn't really speak to many people today)

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    This entry will seem piecemeal because it is, I am gathering posts I have written in my other blog because I had forgotten about that one.

    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    I had received a triops kit when I was a kid, but my grandfather thought they were sea-water creatures, so he had put salt in the water, effectively killing the eggs before they could hatch. I recently bought one to try it again.

    Apparently triops may live up to 100 days and they keep growing in the process, but in general they die before reaching 5 cm and 6 weeks old. It might be interesting to see if diet, or selective breeding (to the extent where it can be done since I don't even know if I have any males or just hermaphrodites in my sample) can increase that. I have heard claims that maybe an increase in potassium or some nutrients may allow them to grow much bigger.

    Ideally, I want to get one of them at least big enough for a proper dissection, especially the three eyes.

    I could also take a look at the microbes that constitute the ecology in their water once it gets established since they feed on bacteria. I am particularly interested in possible fungi being involved as well and I haven't seen anything yet concerning that.

     

    I also received my Raspberry Pi 3 (model B); now I just need to get all the necessary wires etc around it, maybe even a small screen, and start playing with it.

    If everything goes smoothly, I will start considering my long-term project of linking a few of them to make a parallel architecture (a bedroom supercomputer) and maybe thinking about a way to integrate it with the openPCR project to be able to properly work on DNA independently. Apparently someone already used such a designed structure to sequence a genome and I hope to replicate that with triops or tardigrade. Maybe in 5 years this could become operational if everything falls in my lap, and I am free, and I turn out to be a computer genius and all sorts of improbable things.

    -----------------------------------

    The triops are beggining to hatch, it's quite adorable, what I find absolutely fascinating is their rate of growth: the first borns are already twice the size of the newly born (3-4 hours apart only). You can see as well that they are pretty dysfunctional (by that I mean that the proportion with sub-optimal behavior or capacities is high). There seems to be a lot of waste in their population (ones that sink easily, others that swim in circle only, or can't "swim" exactly no matter how they move).

    I know the number of eggs I had: 65. Generally a triops nursery generates one or more big ones and the rest gets eaten or dies.

    I want to figure out when the cannibalism starts happening in their development, so I am going to isolate them in small groups as they hatch and consequently monitor individuals appropriately. When I get a feel of their significant properties, I may start selecting and monitoring pairings.

    I should start looking for a camera to be able to record them when I am not present, but I have a tight budget these days so I will have to reserach that in depth to make my choice.

  7. For anyone that has had a lengthy period where they lived by themselves (without family or roommates), did you experience some progression of personality changes?

    [a] were the changes long-lasting/permanent?

    [b] did they have any significant positive/negative impacts on any aspect of your life?

    [c] would it have been different if you did/did_not have a pet?

     

    Some family members came to visit this weekend. It was fun, and I enjoyed their company. But, I noticed there were points where I said things that would be perceived as frustrated or disinterested, which I never used to do. I didn't mean any of it. And in my head I planned for it to sound 'comical' or 'endearing', but the way I communicated it just felt so out of character.

    [d] did your verbal filter start to shift?

    It would suck if my family and friends think I'm turning into an irritable jerk. But I think I've been losing my ability to handle multiple events within a given social situation. It never bothered me before; now it completely overloads my ability to produce a desired social response. And it always comes out more negatively than I actually feel.

    [e] what could be done to improve a person's ability to efficiently process compounding streams of information?

    [f] is it just a side-effect of worrying about specific things too much?

  8. Atamagahen
    Latest Entry

    Culture of origin: Mesoamerican (Maya)

    Alux_zpsuowatjgb.jpg

    Unknown artist, Alux

     

    Pronounced "“Aloosh", plural Aluxo'ob. The creatures are very similar to the Tomte in many ways. The Aluxo'ob are small, typically benevolent entities no more than a foot and a half in height by default and with exaggerated extremities. During the majority of its life, it exists as a sprite capable of shape shifting and becoming invisible. As such, they are often not encountered, though interactions do occur. When seen, it's often described to adorn traditional Mayan garb, with differing sizes in stature due to the aforementioned shape shifting ability ranging from being the size of a small weasel to a towering 8 feet tall.

     

    Although the Aluxo'ob are very protective of their land, they will accept newcomers providing that they can be trusted. Whenever a human migrates to their territory or vise versa, it's customary that proper respect is paid, often by building a small house of stone for the Alux. It's also common to offer them tortillas and a drink of corn every Friday. In turn, this respect is highly cherished and it will assist those who it granted permission to move within its area. Typically, this is done either by patrolling and warding off thieves, and very effective guards they are as they never sleep and can easily intimidate an intruder by means of shape shifting, imitating predatory animal noises or sheer trickery. They are also able to assist farmers by guarding their crops fields from animals and insects as they are able to communicate with and convince them to become harmonious. They are also able to call forth rain and ensure a bountiful harvest by enriching the soil. As beneficial as they may be, an Alux will often grow tiresome of their company, mischief will slowly take over and they'll soon start to push boundaries and become a nuisance.  Unlike the Tomte, they are capable to causing and spreading disease through supernatural means.

     

    This doesn't only apply to the long term however, should one come across an Alux, it'd be wise to greet it respectfully and gratify any of their requests for an offering for they will provide the giver with good luck and protect them on their journey. One doesn't necessarily have to fulfill their wishes if they are unable to provide anything as the Alux is often appreciative of consideration and honest effort. However, if one refuses their request or aren't courteous to the Alux, it will curse them with rotten luck which can persist for a number of years or will take any means it can to make their life miserable.

     

    In Belizean folklore, and Alux is able to be created by those skillful enough to do so:

    In the days when grave rituals were still a part of daily life among the Maya, those who owned land would often request the priest of the village to create an Alux for them. To create an Alux requires much knowledge and proper support of prayers and offerings to the secret beings who govern life on earth, in the water, and in the air.

     

    After a satisfactory payment has been made, the oldest and most knowledgeable man in the Maya community meticulously created an Alux through an extended and ornate process. For seven Fridays, he would mold an intricate clay figure, kneading into the clay the fluids and flesh of various animals so the it would possess only the finest qualities of various animals.

     

    On the first Friday, he would form the legs and the feet of the Alux by mixing in the the flesh of a deer so his legs would swiftly and tirelessly, and the blood or ground legs of a lizard so that his step would be light and silent.

     

    On the second Friday, he added to the clay a mixture rain water which had been cooled in the night air for a total nine nights, with this and a small portion of soft corn he formed the stomach. This would ensure that the Alux would not be gluttonous and that his appetite would be small.

     

    On the third Friday, the man formed his thorax and heart. Great care was taken to saturate the heart with the blood of a dove, this would make the Alux tender and devoted to his master. Next would come the blood from a jaguar, so he would be brave, fierce and unforgiving to his enemies and would posses a heart that would not be burdened by fear, envy or sadness.

     

    On the fourth Friday, the man formed his arms and hands, using the blood and flesh of a boa constrictor and a monkey, ensuring that the Alux would be agile and strong.


    On the fifth Friday came the most intricate part of the entire process. Should anything went wrong at this point, the temperament of the Alux could become completely different from what was intended. On this day the the neck and head of the Alux to be is created. It has to be very talented and cunning; his throat and mouth should be able to imitate the voices of all the animals in the forest, and he should understand the many languages of man. His nose would be equipped with a keen sense of smell, rivaling that of a dog. His eyes would be formed using the pupils of an owl so he could see even the smallest detail in the darkest of night, and his ears would contain fluids that would make his sense of hearing sharp enough to take in sounds from the very soil on which he stood.

     

    On the sixth Friday, the figure of clay was baked in an oven over a fire fed by the wood from the guanacaste and ceiba trees. Even the choice of wood was taken into consideration, as the smoke will instill within him the endurance and resistance needed to cope with the harsh conditions of nature.

     

    On the seventh Friday, the figurine itself was complete and the priest dressed himself in ceremonial robes before taking it to the temple, where its owner-to-be awaited. In a sacred ritual, the priest called upon the gods to breathe life into the figurine. He then dressed it in rich clothes and jewels and handed it over to the owner who took the figurine  to his home. After being introduced to his friends and family, he then placed the figure in a small cave or in the hollow of a tree trunk in the forest as he dictated the services he expected from the it. The owner would then promise offerings in return before leaving when night had fallen. The figurine would then move its limbs and flex its muscles as the Alux.

     

    In the event that it becomes unruly, preventing an Alux from causing devastation for those living with one is rather simple but lengthy; just wait for a period of seven years. When the time comes around, there will be an opportunity to trap them within their small house by sealing all the openings shut. It is then the Alux will become dormant indefinitely.

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    I feel good today. Note, this a rare moment. I woke up and my whole body ached. It took me some time to fall asleep last night because my neck hurt no matter which position it was in. This morning my bones felt like breaking and I tried repositioning myself multiple times but the numb, annoying pain continued. For a second I thought that something's awfully wrong with my body :laugh: Finished Hitchiker's guide to the galaxy and am now moving on to the second book aaaand Catch 22! Funny books? Yes, funny books. I am trying to distance myself from philosophy and everything that confirms that life is indeed hopeless and painful. So I am reading easy (but not shitty and cheap) material which will allow me to have a laugh or two. I cleaned both bathrooms, vacuumed the whole house, cleaned the kitchen, wiped the furniture and my room and my other room... I exercised by myself on my terrace, with my schizophrenic grandma standing on the terrace above me and probably wondering what the hell am I doing that requires such breathing. Man, exercising at home (Achievement Get). :wacko: On a fucking yoga mat. And I felt great! Took a shower and watched a movie. Now I'm writing this. And then I'll read. A bit unsure if the books will satisfy me or interest me as much as I want them to, but I guess that doesn't matter - I'll give them a try.

     

    I even made food for myself - wowow. Usually... I'm too lazy so I try to feed myself other ways. I'm horrible. Exercise allows me to feel more comfortable when I walk and generally about my health, it's like I can freely say fuck you to many illnesses and my possible future fucked up back. But no no, my back will get strong and my posture will be great. The only problem when I feel good is that I want everything. I want to write, to draw, play the synth, program, do maths, read, do gardening, clean, watch movies, play games... Instant overload. I am slowly rebuilding myself. I didn't take care of my inner stuff and now it's all over the place. Do I feel insecure about missing out a year of university? Yes. Do I feel inferior? Yes. But why the fuck should I? Is it my fault that I grew up the way I did? Absolutely not. My dad fucking shot my dog in the ear while trying to kill him - luckily, he missed. It was New Years Eve. It was almost the worst day in my life. They were both drunk. My mom and I were screaming and couldn't approach my dad who was holding a rifle or whatever the hell it was. And many more great events. So anyone who wants to judge me for my choices, fucking do it. I dare you. I'm not saying it's their fault. I just reacted to the environment. I closed myself. Internet was my savior. I learned how to support others and myself online. I made friends online. I wasn't ever lonely. I always had the internet. Internet which would mask the noise of them fighting. Internet which would allow me to escape. Anyways, about the university stuff. I won't mope around another year wishing to die because I think that I will be a failure. I won't mope around because I physically am not able to concentrate or do what other people can. But also, I won't wear my experiences as a badge. It is extremely private, what goes on in someone's head... I just like clarifying my own thoughts like this and really, being open is not something that scares me.

     

    So yes, I am excited about university. And also scared. Can I learn? Can I fight through the insecurities? Previous experience says yes.

     

    Now.. I'm not even sure what I'm talking about. Many things just waddling in my head and it's quite overwhelming because I want to type everything at once. I still think I'm a boring person, because I probably am.. but then, I sure must be interesting to at least a small percentage of people - similar people. I see myself as a grandma. I can't wait for Tuesday to buy an expensive latex pillow so I can sleep like a queen. So excited about the pillow that I won't even try it out and maybe will order it online. I am excited about watching a movie with snacks. Something more modernish is me wanting to play guitar and signing up for this course where I'll be cool :cool: Just need to buy a guitar. It's just insane. I even miss my friend, but am scared to contact her again because I won't be able to keep up with her enthusiasm. And because perhaps she hates me.

     

    So here I am. Waiting for my sister to come home so I can talk to her a bit before having a movie night with Manfriend.

    I feel good. Perhaps I sound like a loony when I speak, but I am just... excited. Almost makes me want to cry. And this support from my family makes me cry even more. Things are good, but not good? You know what I mean? Nothing is ever 100%. My grandpa died and now we'll probably fight with the whole family because they're greedy bastards wanting to sell everything he has so they can acquire more money and my sister and I are representing my mom. I still feel empty and I still don't really think as much as I would want to and my 0,02% libido hasn't been here since I'm on these pills. But it's good. See? It's under control. I'll just switch meds. I'll find a solution. I google a lot, I read a lot. And my sister is extremely unhappy and unsure about her future. We'll fix her. We'll talk to her. We'll find hobbies to do with her. Perhaps watch movies until she feels like herself again.

     

    Here's an image I really like. Because we're both sincerely happy in it and I won't act like I'm not behaving like a puppy around him. So here's some PDA. Gross! :wacko:

    Tgdwuc2.jpg

  9. One of these days, I'll rewrite day 2, an unproductive day compared to today.  

     

    Today, thanks to being beaten up by Osaka yesterday, I woke up at 5am ready to experiment with Ramen for breakfast.  So I ventured to the touristy Namba District along a riverfront called Dotonbori.  I visited a popular Ramen place that offers individual booths to eat in.   The Ramen was designed to my specifications: Flavory broth, lots of garlic and green onions, medium noodle texture and very spicy.  While you eat in your individual booth, there's your own private window that allows you to communicate with the kitchen.  By placing a mini orange plate over a square attached to a sensor, the kitchen will receive receive an alarm sound that tells them to refill your bowl with more noodles based on the noodle texture you requested.

     

    For $20, I had a nice start to the morning.  

     

    After walking about the glitzy Dotonbori District and staring at the Glico Man Icon and Studying the psychedelic Kuidaore Taro dude pounding a drum looking like a cross between a wasted Timothy Leary, where's Waldo, and Ronald McDonald...I needed to exit this tourist infested area for somewhere tranquil away from the sexy legs and throngs of urban rush....

     

    I found a panacea when I reached the Minoh Park train station and ventured thru the well paved wilderness to Minoh Falls.

     

    It was a quiet walk despite many people marching up there in protest looking for a peaceful sanctuary and hypnotised by the falls winding creek that leads to its base.

     

    While trekking up this inclined path, older folks in their makeshift booths offered monkey souvenirs and multicolored maple leaf stickers, figurines to symbolize the approach autumnal foilage coloring to come.  They also sold maple leaves cooked in a tempura like batter, only sold in the fall..called momi....something.  Basically, it tastes like a maple leaf shaped fortune cookie.

     

    When I reached the falls and daydreamed into it, I noticed stands selling "ayu"...a fresh water river fish on a stick.  It's a tasty morsel you can eat whole.  Even the bones, organs and head are all edible.  The head had this interesting bittersweet taste about it.

     

    By the time I returned to Osaka, I found myself back in the noise if Dotonbori eating grilled Wagyu Beef.  On the grills, they don't mess around.  They give you a metal plier and a huge block of concentrated lard to grease the grill with.  The beef was on fire on that grill.

     

    Before I pass out and wake up in a rush to catch the 6am train to Hiroshima...one funny thing I saw was a diaper brand called "Moonys"...made me chuckle imagining a bunch of toddlers mooning their parents...

     

    pass out time...too tired again to edit zzzzz

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    yes
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    Still visiting the Netherlands, next stop Utrecht! 

  10. INTJane

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