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How to attract and win the heart of an ENFP/INFP? intj and enfp
Old 10-18-2008, 11:01 PM   #26
Timeless
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Just behave the same way that you did to attract the ENFP. I don't know if this is true for everyone, but people have a tendency to become nicer to people that they like. Being and INTJ, you don't want your emotions to get the best of you and confess your feelings early on or you'll end up in a confusing situation like me. lol Just be yourself. However, it is much harder than it seems when you're with someone who speaks vividly, smiles a lot, and is throwing compliments your way...

Also, be sure to return geniuine compliments as Josephine said. I think all ENFPs know when you're just forcing out a compliment. If you can, compliment her/him on a trait that is specific to them. Of course, complimenting them on some traits that are unique to their body may be considered offensive early on...

I have no experience with an INFP. I'm assuming you should just be yourself in that scenario as well.
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Old 10-18-2008, 11:09 PM   #27
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  Originally Posted by tp6626
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What's an ENFP, and what's an INFP like? I'm struggling to place any. I'm sure I must know at least a couple just by probabilities, but I don't have enough info to go on to identify them.

How do they typically act? (I know I could look up the type descriptions on google, but I think 1st hand descriptions from the ENFP's here would be more useful).

Also, what are the major differences that I'd notice with an INFP as opposed to an ENFP?

INFP ... ahh ... well ... we're all different. A lot of us could be typified as romantics, idealists (duh), sensitive souls, spiritually minded, a bit mystical, dreamy, even emo. But that's not all.

I think the main thing I find in INFPs is that we want to know people at a deep level. We're unsatisfied with the status quo, the pop culture, the surface level of anything. We want to get to the heart of it. We think about things a lot. We analyze things a lot. We humanize and personalize everything. Sometimes this gets us in trouble. Because a lot of more "rational" people (such as you INTJs) don't see things as they relate to people, but as they relate to ideas or thoughts. And what I've seen from some people is that this means that they can be more detached from a decision than we are able to be. When dealing with a problem, we think things through and determine how it will affect the people involved.

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Old 10-19-2008, 01:35 AM   #28
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  Originally Posted by tp6626
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Also, what are the major differences that I'd notice with an INFP as opposed to an ENFP?

I only have one female INFP acquaintance in my circle of friends. I have noticed a lot of differences between myself and her. My thinking function is very well developed, some of the differences maybe due to that.

Maybe curiousjane can contribute a little more to this, as my statements come from observation of a sole INFP. Maybe enfpchick might say something too, from what I understand her feeling function is much better developed than mine.

My INFP friend's feeling function is very strong. Everything is in terms of how she feels. She thinks her feelings are very easy to understand for anyone with whom she has a connection (translation: all of her friends and acquaintances). She finds great importance in the way someone looked at her, or specific combination of words they used. She derives deep meaning from those things. She thinks that the reason a person looks at her in that specific way or uses that specific combination of words is to convey an important cryptic message to her. So she feels that they now share that special unspoken secret.

Most of my judgments come from my intuition not my feelings but my feelings help me determine whether it's the right thing to do. I know something is one way or another but it isn't directly tied to my emotions.

Another interesting thing I noticed - she tends to project what she is feeling on other people. She sees other people's motivations based on her feelings or her actions. These could be both good and bad motivations.

I, on the other hand, attribute people's actions to their own personalities and not so much to myself. Yes I could serve as a trigger but the specific way someone reacts I think is caused by their personality.

When somebody wrongs her she takes it very personally because she feels that she caused it. Also, because she thinks that they realize exactly how she feels, she is even more hurt by their actions. She sees it as a betrayal of that special bond. If someone hurts her enough she sees the person as subhuman and evil (sometimes the person simply doesn't like her and lets her know that by being cold and not fascinated by her). When she gets really upset she will retreat and hide ignoring phone calls etc. this could last a couple of months, she returns when she is ready and she thinks everyone should understand her actions because she views her feelings as clear as day. Most people are very puzzled by her.

When someone wrongs me, i want them to make the effort to fix it. If the offense is fixable, i will continue to pick up my phone or worst case scenario I will return your call within a few days. The truth of the matter is, I will only stop picking up the phone if I completely write you off. Otherwise I will respond and be pissy if you admit your guilt and apologize I will let it go immediately. I need the other party to acknowledge that I'm important and that my feelings are valid.

I get really upset when I'm ignored and under appreciated or if someone lies to me or tries to manipulate me.

She gets upset very rarely (she is kind of a saint in that sense). Almost always she gives the benefit of the doubt. But if a situation arises where she is personally attacked, she will be upset with every person who was in some way involved in that situation, whether that person is a direct offender or not. Nothing you say will fix it, initially. After that if you made attempts to talk to her she will get back to you when she is ready.

Another thing I've noticed about my INFP friend is she will befriend everybody who tries to be her friend. She likes to be liked quite a bit. She has almost a cult following of boys wanting to tend to her every whim. She will express a lot of interest and a lot of concern about all of her friends. She will defend them as long as they show her that they like her, no matter what they do. She routinely has multiple guys tell her they love her, she will be honest and say she doesn't share their feelings, but she will never change the way she treats them.

Boys hardly ever get over her because this makes them think they have a chance for years. The reality is, they will have no chance unless she falls out of love with the current object of her affection. When that happens, she will be interested in the guy who fits her ideal the best, not in the guy who cares about her the most and who's been around the longest (that, for some reason, seems to be a very common misconception).

With me, on the other hand, when a guy openly expresses interest, assuming I do not share his feelings I will leave. I'm uncomfortable to receive his attention once it's been made clear. I will still be very nice to him when I see him but the friendship will not continue as is.

We do share one very important aspect about our love lives. Both of us are always in love with someone. That someone is usually idealized. That someone will not be abandoned in favor of any other boy who is courting us unless that someone disappoints us to no end.

Just like me, she doesn't fall in love very often, all her friendships with males are just that. She will only have eye for one guy no matter how much attention she is getting from other sources. She will not get physically involved unless she is in love.

I am attracted to more of my equal. I need for a man to realize that we are sharing equal roles, although they might have different functions. I find that she likes her man to have more of a caretaker role. She is the girl, he is the guy, she is ok with all the stigma that goes with that. She is much more nurturing then I am.

To attract her I think a guy has to show that he is stronger than her in every way and is able to take care of her. He has to have a very tough exterior but she has to feel absolutely loved. I guess I can't argue with that part.

Some personality quirks I've noticed: she loves talking on the phone for hours, I can't handle that, too many things to do. She has an interest in alternative medicine, supernatural etc. She is always late, but she will usually bring a cake.

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Old 10-19-2008, 01:43 AM   #29
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How to win over an INFP....hrmmm

Well, the thing I love most about my hubby, is that he listens to me. Even when my ideas are a bit "off-the-wall", he will calmly listen. He never comes right out and says "That's stupid!" or "That will never work.". Instead he will use leading questions to draw me a map back to the ground from the clouds. If I'm not too far from reality then he will encourage the idea and give me his full support.

So listening, talking, compliments, tactful honesty and support are some of the best things for an INFP. (IMO anyway.) It also doesn't hurt to let your hair down once in awhile and act completely silly with us. :D
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Old 10-19-2008, 10:50 AM   #30
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  Originally Posted by Szarra
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So listening, talking, compliments, tactful honesty and support are some of the best things for an INFP. (IMO anyway.) It also doesn't hurt to let your hair down once in awhile and act completely silly with us. :D

Abso-posi-tiv-a-lutely.

  Originally Posted by Josephine1012
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Maybe curiousjane can contribute a little more to this, as my statements come from observation of a sole INFP.

Well, the more I read from ENFPs here, I begin to wonder if I'm ENFP. I don't really identify with the whole emotions drive my life thing. But I'm also not so ENFPy that I have to be out and about with people. xNFP. That's me. a little bit of both. I definitely think that intuition drives my interactions with people, but my feelings about things drive my reactions and analyzations.


  Originally Posted by Josephine1012
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She finds great importance in the way someone looked at her, or specific combination of words they used. She derives deep meaning from those things. She thinks that the reason a person looks at her in that specific way or uses that specific combination of words is to convey an important cryptic message to her. So she feels that they now share that special unspoken secret.

Unfortunately, or fortunately? this is true of me, as well.

  Originally Posted by Josephine1012
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Another interesting thing I noticed - she tends to project what she is feeling on other people. She sees other people's motivations based on her feelings or her actions. These could be both good and bad motivations.

I, on the other hand, attribute people's actions to their own personalities and not so much to myself.

I'm with Josephine here on this one. Not her friend.


  Originally Posted by Josephine1012
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She gets upset very rarely (she is kind of a saint in that sense). Almost always she gives the benefit of the doubt.

Well, I wouldn't call myself a saint ... but this is true of me, as well. Mainly because I like to get a full, balanced picture of things. I do look at it from at least two (if not more) sides.


  Originally Posted by Josephine1012
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That someone is usually idealized. That someone will not be abandoned in favor of any other boy who is courting us unless that someone disappoints us to no end.

Just like me, she doesn't fall in love very often, all her friendships with males are just that. She will only have eye for one guy no matter how much attention she is getting from other sources.

Exactly. I focus on one man at a time. I can casually date ... for a couple of dates ... but after that .... yeah, that would just feel like a betrayal to me. I expect fidelity and give fidelity.

Of course ... that doesn't keep me from the occasional innocent flirting, or enjoying when I get unexpected male attention. And I do notice men. I just don't do anything about it. My heart is reserved for that one person.


So ... how do you win my heart? Well ...

If I can be totally, completely honest here ... I was falling for an INTJ ... but the one thing that prevented me from being head over heels was that he didn't take the time to get to really, really know me. He knew how I would react to things, he knew my ideals, he intuited my thoughts. But he fell short of needing to know and remember the things that make me tick ... make me me. He went through the motions of dating, and I enjoyed every minute, but I couldn't help but feel like he was doing things just as he knew they should be done, not because he wanted to bring joy to my heart in a way he had discovered from personal observation and inquiry.

I feel boring most of the time, to be honest. Who wants to be with a person who thinks a good time is going to a park, sitting on the grass, and staring up at the clouds for an hour? I mean, we could be playing tennis, or tossing a football! Even nerds and geeks must get tired of me. (Note: I am a geek, myself. I'm fascinated by information and seeking knowledge.) I don't have much of a desire to sit and play video games or talk about technological advances.

I know I am unique. I know I am a little weird. I know I am a little left of center. I know, deep down, I'm the stereotypical dreamer, looking into the clouds and gazing at the rainbows created by prisms for hours at a time. But I still feel boring. Because most people need to DO things, GO places, BE active. I love DOING, GOING, BEING, but I cherish even more the moments when I am with one person, face to face, absorbing in the energy that they omit. If they do the same for me, and delight in me, I am completely, blissfully happy.

I do have a deep longing to be understood. Most people just look at me, smile, and shake their head. "Oh, that's just Jane ..." they say. They know to expect the unexpected from me. I really dislike it when people ASSUME they know what I want. I dislike it even more when they PROJECT their personal thoughts/ideas/values on me. Even my best friends try to get me to do the "normal" things that make sense to them, but go against my nature.

I am nostaligic, but not focused on tradition for the sake of tradition. I am impulsive. I am whimsical. I love, love, LOVE a good belly laugh. If you can make me belly laugh ... you're in my circle for good.

My chief flaw: getting so tangled in my own mixed-up emotional responses, worries, fears ... that I can't get out of the mind-fog and gut-wrenching frustrations and bring myself back to the day-to-day realities. Yes, this is a huge flaw. It cripples me sometimes. I need people to like me. The one thing I can't stand to know is that other people have been talking about me when I'm not around and that they are either laughing snidely or expressing that I am lacking in some way. I'm used to being an outsider. I fear being an outCAST. I'm just so used to bein misunderstood that sometimes I will lock away my true feelings about something and force myself to adapt to my environment, just to survive and blend in.

But I am not, I repeat NOT weak, frail, over-sensitive, etc. etc. etc. And I really dislike people assuming that about me. Just because I have a tender heart does not mean that I do not have a backbone of steel to support it.

So how do you win my heart? It's pretty simple, really. Just be yourself, don't be pretentious, don't resort to flattery, don't say anything that smacks of putting on a show, don't dismiss my reactions and needs, don't treat me like you're walking on eggshells. DO listen, DO care, DO be affectionate (you'll probably have to inititate this ... I'm too scared that my deep longing for physical affection will turn you off, because I like simple, innocent things like snuggling and cudddling and gentle kissing, as much as I will also respond to more than that ... when the time is right ...), DO take note of my likes and dislikes, DO surprise me, DO ask me what I think, DO pursue me. DO soothe my worries by not leaving room for any doubt in my mind that you are interested in me. DO give me personal space when I need it. DO encourage me to pursue my own interests. DO challenge me.

And another thing ... let me in. Let me love you the way I do best ... by meeting your soul. And matching your mind. And standing by your side. And don't just humor that aspect of me ... appreciate it ... treasure it .. long for me to be me and do what I do best ... Because once I fall in love with somebody who loves me and is able to love me back with the same (or more) intensity ... I am totally, completely, fiercely, passionately faithful.

Sound good?

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Old 10-19-2008, 11:45 AM   #31
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  Originally Posted by Josephine1012
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She is always late, but she will usually bring a cake.


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The way the INFP sounds finally explains the crush I have on Luna Lovegood.

Now if someone could tell me why I have a cush on the Nancy Drew from that last movie then all of my perversions can fianally be explained!

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Old 10-19-2008, 02:00 PM   #32
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  Originally Posted by Josephine1012
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In my experience, the person who claimed to love me only wanted to see me when he was happy. He very avidly pushed me away when he was not.

That makes sense to me. I don't like to burden people with my personal problems. Combine that with the introversion and the judging, and you've got a guy who wants to sequester himself until he resolves his problems on his own. NFs, on the other hand, like to help people with their personal problems. IT takes effort, with no guarantee of a payoff.


  Originally Posted by Szarra
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It also doesn't hurt to let your hair down once in awhile and act completely silly with us. :D

That assumes that we're putting our hair up-- actively repressing our urges, rather than a general absences of "urges," as it were. (We have urges, but they're different. A lot of the time, they involve books and ideas and things like that.)
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Old 10-19-2008, 03:58 PM   #33
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  Originally Posted by ElstonGunn
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That assumes that we're putting our hair up-- actively repressing our urges, rather than a general absences of "urges," as it were. (We have urges, but they're different. A lot of the time, they involve books and ideas and things like that.)
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I realize this responce is a bit off topic...

What you say here is very true of myself as well. I don't know how many times people think I'm being 'uptight' or whatever, when in fact I just don't have the urges they assume I should.

On top of that the kind of 'getting wild' normal people enjoy I see as either childish or pointless or dilusional. Dilusional because it makes them think they are better than they actually are. It creates the kind of self-confidence that I see as transparently fake.

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Old 10-19-2008, 05:43 PM   #34
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Good outline Jane, you answered my question excellently.
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This bit stood out to me:

  Originally Posted by curiousjane
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I do have a deep longing to be understood. Most people just look at me, smile, and shake their head. "Oh, that's just Jane ..." they say. They know to expect the unexpected from me. I really dislike it when people ASSUME they know what I want. I dislike it even more when they PROJECT their personal thoughts/ideas/values on me. Even my best friends try to get me to do the "normal" things that make sense to them, but go against my nature.

This is exactly how I am. This is probably the thing that annoys me worst in the world. I'm not a mean person, and am extremely difficult to annoy, but there have been soooo many times that I've had to withhold scathing responses to the type of thing you describe above.

There's a (romantic) couple at work who try to project their thoughts / ideas / values onto me; the only reason for which is that they must think that I'm missing something in some way.

I don't know how they dare, and any reaction I make appears totally over the top to them, though it's extremely restrained in my eyes. If I said what I was really thinking, I'm sure she would end up crying, and he'd want to start fighting with me, hehe!!!

And I do feel an aura of strangeness around me, that makes people give me a wide berth. They say "Oh, that's just Tom ...", as though I'm some kind of novelty that they can't fathom. Doesn't stop them trying to project onto me, or change me though - in their almighty wisdom!?

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Old 10-19-2008, 07:22 PM   #35
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  Originally Posted by ElstonGunn
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That assumes that we're putting our hair up-- actively repressing our urges, rather than a general absences of "urges," as it were. (We have urges, but they're different. A lot of the time, they involve books and ideas and things like that.)
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Ah, I see. Maybe. Ok then how about...put on a purple clown wig and go build sand castles on the beach!
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No, you can't bring blueprints to make sure it comes out just right.

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Old 10-19-2008, 09:37 PM   #36
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I have no idea. My husband saw me and told his friend "I can see myself dating that girl for a long time".... My husband was a bachelor (no girlfriends) for his whole life. He was almost 29 when I met him. His friend laughed in his face when he said that.
I played hard to get with him and he just told me he liked me because I was smart.. different than the girls he'd been around before. We both just fell immediately for each other (I was just more cautious about it than him).
I hate to say this, but you will just KNOW when you meet the one.
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Old 10-19-2008, 11:14 PM   #37
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  Originally Posted by bethanygm
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I hate to say this, but you will just KNOW when you meet the one.

And if you don't know, then the ENFP in your life will tell you.


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Old 10-19-2008, 11:18 PM   #38
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  Originally Posted by Luthor Rex
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And if you don't know, then the ENFP in your life will tell you.


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No need to seal your lips, it's true.

I always pick who I date, I decide I like them first, I think...

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Old 10-19-2008, 11:28 PM   #39
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My best friend is an ENFP. He definitely liked me at first because I indeed was a mystery to him. As time has passed now, he knows I'm incredibly predictable and reliable. So our friendship shifted more from curiosity to reliability and trust. However, he retains that unusual curiosity about me because I'm pretty unwavering in stability -- something that he hardly observes in his other friends. I'm literally the least chaotic person he knows.

Now if only I could find an ENFP woman.


I know I scare a lot of people -- I'm so direct and straightforward, they think I'm being tricky.
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Old 10-19-2008, 11:32 PM   #40
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To all of you ENFP seekers: they will probably find you.
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Old 10-20-2008, 06:14 AM   #41
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  Originally Posted by Luthor Rex
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And if you don't know, then the ENFP in your life will tell you.


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lol you are right. If ever I should doubt that we're meant to be, he will be there to reassure me. He gets very upset if I even somehow allude to doubting it.
But I love that!
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Old 10-20-2008, 09:03 AM   #42
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Quick question for xNFPs. What does this mean to you?

"Why do we love to love, when love seems to hate us?"

INTJ here, and it made no sense to me. Feelers.
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  Originally Posted by Josephine1012
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To all of you ENFP seekers: they will probably find you.

Disagree. After a few weeks of studying with her(about 2 days a week), I emailed her and told her, "Did I ever tell you that I really like you? lol" expecting to get "I like you too" or "I don't feel the same" and instead I got "No I believe you left that tidbit of info out of my knowledge
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." .....
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ProTip: Don't waste time on ENFPs. If you can, go for INFPs instead. Wait, scratch that as well. Based on curiousjane's post, INFPs seem to be diffcult as well. Leave them alone and hopefully those personality types will be extinct in the next few decades.
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xNTPs
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Old 10-20-2008, 09:13 AM   #43
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  Originally Posted by Timeless
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ProTip: Don't waste time on ENFPs. If you can, go for INFPs instead. Wait, scratch that as well. Based on curiousjane's post, INFPs seem to be diffcult as well. Leave them alone and hopefully those personality types will be extinct in the next few decades.
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xNTPs
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lol, for such an xNFP hata' you've been spending an awful lotta time hanging around this thread.... Just saying....

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Old 10-20-2008, 09:20 AM   #44
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  Originally Posted by Timeless
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Quick question for xNFPs. What does this mean to you?

"Why do we love to love, when love seems to hate us?"

INTJ here, and it made no sense to me. Feelers.
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Disagree. After a few weeks of studying with her(about 2 days a week), I emailed her and told her, "Did I ever tell you that I really like you? lol" expecting to get "I like you too" or "I don't feel the same" and instead I got "No I believe you left that tidbit of info out of my knowledge
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." .....
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ProTip: Don't waste time on ENFPs. If you can, go for INFPs instead. Wait, scratch that as well. Based on curiousjane's post, INFPs seem to be diffcult as well. Leave them alone and hopefully those personality types will be extinct in the next few decades.
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No way!!!!!!!!!!!! I think ENFPs make the most rewarding (and challenging) relationship ever for an INTJ!

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Old 10-20-2008, 12:01 PM   #45
curiousjane
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Hmmm. What is so difficult about being loved by somebody who enjoys exactly who you are? And isn't demanding?

Wait. I know ... you actually have to put some effort into showing appreciation, because a dozen roses is nice, but a genuine compliment is a 100 times better ...

(See? I can be devilish, too!
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Old 10-20-2008, 12:08 PM   #46
Timeless
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  Originally Posted by Josephine1012
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lol, for such an xNFP hata' you've been spending an awful lotta time hanging around this thread.... Just saying....

Thats because I use to love them.
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I've had the same question as demvesalius in my head for a while now. I just didn't want to make a topic. When you said you were going to make that detailed post I decided to stick around for a few minutes...hours to see if you would provide helpful incite. Then I remembered that you were an ENFP so I should have 0 expectations for you when you say you're going to do something later.
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lol So I decided to see if I could help demvesalius with the experiences I've had, reinforcing things that were already said. Pretty much be yourself is what I and everyone stresses but you can use that philosophy with any type. I just recently came to the conclusion that xNFPs are evil(hyperbole of course..) and it can become a bit stressful(Well, for me anyway). There are other types that are so much easier to read, but it may be harder to connect with them as easily as xNFPs.

  Originally Posted by bethanygm
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No way!!!!!!!!!!!! I think ENFPs make the most rewarding (and challenging) relationship ever for an INTJ!

Only those who have succeeded say that.
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Others who've failed or given up think otherwise. lol Maybe I'll take that back one day.
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  Originally Posted by curiousjane
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Hmmm. What is so difficult about being loved by somebody who enjoys exactly who you are? And isn't demanding?

Wait. I know ... you actually have to put some effort into showing appreciation, because a dozen roses is nice, but a genuine compliment is a 100 times better ...

(See? I can be devilish, too!
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)

Its not that easy. lol

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Old 10-20-2008, 12:13 PM   #47
Josephine1012
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  Originally Posted by Timeless
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Thats because I use to love them.
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I've had the same question as demvesalius in my head for a while now. I just didn't want to make a topic. When you said you were going to make that detailed post I decided to stick around for a few minutes...hours to see if you would provide helpful incite. Then I remembered that you were an ENFP so I should have 0 expectations for you when you say you're going to do something later.
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lol So I decided to see if I could help demvesalius with the experiences I've had, reinforcing things that were already said. Pretty much be yourself is what I and everyone stresses but you can use that philosophy with any type. I just recently came to the conclusion that xNFPs are evil(hyperbole of course..) and it can become a bit stressful(Well, for me anyway). There are other types that are so much easier to read, but it may be harder to connect with them as easily as xNFPs.

Only those who have succeeded say that.
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Others who've failed or given up think otherwise. lol Maybe I'll take that back one day.
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Haha, well, that's true I didn't post anything immediately... ok for a while, but I've got lives to save here.

Nevertheless I totally leached on to someone else's work that was based on a fictional character. So I'm thinking I contributed at a least a little to the topic.

We are actually really nice people but we get distracted easily. Also why do you think your friend was ENFP, we're pretty rare you know...

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Old 10-20-2008, 12:39 PM   #48
ricearoni
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  Originally Posted by Timeless
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After a few weeks of studying with her(about 2 days a week), I emailed her and told her, "Did I ever tell you that I really like you? lol" expecting to get "I like you too" or "I don't feel the same" and instead I got "No I believe you left that tidbit of info out of my knowledge
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I hope you didn't think that was a rejection. To me, it looks like she's playing hard to get and waiting for you to actually ask her out.

I could be totally wrong though since I'm not an ENFP...

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Old 10-20-2008, 12:52 PM   #49
Josephine1012
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  Originally Posted by ricearoni
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I hope you didn't think that was a rejection. To me, it looks like she's playing hard to get and waiting for you to actually ask her out.

I could be totally wrong though since I'm not an ENFP...

I kind of think she was on the fence. That's why it took her 2 weeks. I guess that' what I meant by ENFPs finding you. Once we make the initial judgment that we're into you, we give you lots of clues that we like you. Show a lot of interest, and eventually make you date us. Until that initial "we like you" realization happens, we're easily spooked. You'll know the difference because we won't leave you alone once we decided.

If she was really into you it wouldn't have taken her 2 weeks to respond, so I think you kind of rushed into it a little.





Josephine1012 added to this post, 4 minutes and 58 seconds later...

Ok, just a quick note, the above is true for ENFPs, but if she was an introvert or if she has a strong T function, it might have taken her that long for other reasons.

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Old 10-20-2008, 01:05 PM   #50
ricearoni
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Hm...
I thought he was studying her for two weeks?

Anyway, the answer doesn't seem to be saying yes or no. So perhaps she's still on the fence. I think if she wasn't interested she would've either said so or started pulling away in some form.
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