[Jeff]

Hey,

I'm only sort of new here; I've been lurking for about a year now. I would say funny things about certain members if I could only remember them at this time. I'm very bad a pulling certain things out of my head when I actually need to. (But I wouldn't give up my iNtuition for anything)

So, my girlfriend of 3 months and I have been absolutely inseparable right up until a week ago. We thought the same way, we wanted the same things, and we both saw ourselves spending the rest of our lives with each other. We weren't hopeless romantics, we logically saw that in our future, and it was a powerful vision.

A week ago, she suddenly realizes that I don't really have any feelings at all, and she can't live with that fact. She wants to be separated from me. I'm kind of puzzled... everything was going so smoothly and this comes up.

Do you guys have any ideas what might be happening? If you need me to clarify anything, please ask. It's great to come out of the lurker closet. :D

[zippikay]

okay, so the problem is that she thinks that you don't have any feeling, right?

do you? what do you feel about her? (I know we are T people, but just try to deduce your own feeling through your intuition and thinking)
what do you feel about this relationship? are you willing to commit with her? are you willing to work for this relationship?

do you lack feeling or do you failed to let her know about your feeling?
if the word love is still vague, do you care about her?

[Henry]

Originally Posted by Gizmos Gadgets To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

Hey, I'm only sort of new here; I've been lurking for about a year now. I would say funny things about certain members if I could only remember them at this time. I'm very bad a pulling certain things out of my head when I actually need to. (But I wouldn't give up my iNtuition for anything) So, my girlfriend of 3 months and I have been absolutely inseparable right up until a week ago. We thought the same way, we wanted the same things, and we both saw ourselves spending the rest of our lives with each other. We weren't hopeless romantics, we logically saw that in our future, and it was a powerful vision. A week ago, she suddenly realizes that I don't really have any feelings at all, and she can't live with that fact. She wants to be separated from me. I'm kind of puzzled... everything was going so smoothly and this comes up. Do you guys have any ideas what might be happening? If you need me to clarify anything, please ask. It's great to come out of the lurker closet. :D

How old are you both? If she is under 25, I would pay it no mind whatsoever and find someone new.

[notthedroid]

Did you mess up her birthday? Seriously, think back and see if you may have underestimated the importance of something that didn't seem to upset her at the time. My ex messed up my birthday and I didn't speak to him for three days and he didn't notice. Now he's my ex.

If not, I think I'd be inclined to leave her alone and see if some perspective does her any good. Such a drastic change of heart bodes ill for the future, even if you get back together.

[changos]

She might be complaining or trying to manipulate you confusing you with her opinion. "You have no feelings!". Careful, nobody goes beyond 3 months with somebody without feelings, if thats true, why did it take her so long to notice it?

She wants you to fee bad, thats it.

[curiousjane]

Perhaps she was in love with love and only recently realized that the emotions she felt coursing through her body were just the enjoyment of physical sensation and a mental high on life.

If she cared for you in any way, severing the relationship as soon as she realized those feelings were not for you would be an honest thing to do.

Or she's being a Jerk-ette.


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Either way, I know it hurts now. Ride it out, focus on the positives of the future, and I personally would not recommend trying to patch up a relationship that she felt capable of severing so completely at this point.

[ScurvyRose]

At the 3 month point you approach the passing of the "oh your perfect, we have so much in common, where have you been all my life" phase. After that phase your life, that you put on hold, knocks on the door to come back in. Conversations turn to include opinions and personal needs and requests of your time are no longer aquiessed on a whim.

You have reached the integration phase, and this period will tell of how the entire relationship will progress. Pay attention. How you both deal with each other now, is what the relationship will be, not how the first 3 months were.

[Futuremouse]

	Originally Posted by curiousjane To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Perhaps she was in love with love and only recently realized that the emotions she felt coursing through her body were just the enjoyment of physical sensation and a mental high on life.

based on the short-ish time frame, some small part of it is likely the tolerance built up over the pheromones that provide that sort of initial 'love-high'.

and really, it's not that you don't have feelings, it's just that you're probably not terribly emotive. one of the intj traits that does offend is the ability to turn your emotions on and off. not really, of course, but at least stick them in a drawer in the back of your mind somewhere and operate almost wholly without them.

you could try explaining that to her, but i don't know if it would help. it will be a perpetual struggle for her to deal with, and you'll both have to decide if she's up to it.

[changos]

You are the only one who knows the details... but, the latest comments made me remember something. There are certain kinds of people who are just fine in a relationship when everything is perfect (for them) and when they see there is work to do, they blame others. I call it the "sick cow", as it refuses to walk anymore.

Some people behave like kids, so they trow lines like that at you "I hate you", "you don't love me", "You make me suffer", "I see you don't need me". But is just a childish behavior.

Nice advice by CJ, I agree, don't try to path that relationship, just like ScurvyRose said, perhaps you don't know everything about her but is time to learn how she deals with problems (and escalate that to the future...) as FM says, perhaps you are not so emotive? BUT, such words coming from her would suggest shes disconnected from you (emotionally) or just wants you to feel bad. Good luck

[punkyplatypus]

Emotions bond people in relationships. If you tell/express to her that you don't have feelings, then she may wonder what keeps bonded to her. If it's logic, then what would keep you from dropping her and moving on to a partner that made more sense to be with? Perhaps she wants a conventional relationship and how could she be in a relationship with someone who wouldn't say, "I love you" without truly meaning it? Without emotions, does one care? How could she trust you if you don't feel guilt? If she wanted children, how would an unemotional parent affect them?

I doubt you're fully devoid of emotions. I mean, you're curiosity and you were affected by your "powerful vision" of the future of this relationship; this shows that there is some sort of emotion in there somewhere. Perhaps worry of this loss or how your personality may affect your relationships. I think relationships depend on both emotions (factors, like personality & abilities, that dictate affection, attraction, determination, loyalty, etc) and situation (factors, like future plans & age, that can be predetermined logically). Sometimes a relationship may be emotionally right but situationally flawed and other times a relationship is situationally logical and emotionally flawed. Flaws in emotion may include wrong focus (loving someone based on one factor like looks), overly emotional (like overprotective or obsessed to where one or both partners are suffering), miscommunicated emotions (I think this is your case; your emotions are being expressed or received "wrong"), and false emotions (like lying about love to get laid).

I'm curious about how long your relationship was before becoming a couple. Three months and you're making life plans; that seems odd to me, but I can see how that might happen. I think you two didn't know each other and were making plans based on assumptions.

I'm guessing that you, being the INTJ, came up with this logical future plan which probably made plenty of sense and so she agreed. For you this was confirmation that this relationship had a high probability of success. However, she probably took this plan as an expression for your desire to be with her, because you want the relationship to succeed probably due to your strong emotions for her. When actions or maybe a discussion on emotions didn't fit her assumption, she probably reevaluated the situation and found that you were actually (or so it seems) fairly unemotional. This probably didn't match her requisites for a relationship and so she decided to abandon the relationship rather than try to change you.

I say cut your losses, learn from the experience, and move on. If you think you have a chance in reviving the relationship and you want to, then I don't see a reason why shouldn't try. Fighting to keep together is a passionate act that shows you do have emotion. Unless she was lying about her reason for leaving the relationship, she may thoroughly consider coming back to you.

[ElstonGunn]

As Mr Zipp and Señor Changos have said, is the problem that you don't have feelings for her, or is it that she thinks you don't? That's the biggest question you have to think about, the way I see it.

If she's right, then do the decent thing and let her focus on finding someone who'll give her what she's looking for. If she's wrong, take her up on the challenge and make it your goal to be sure that she doesn't have any reason to accuse you of not caring about her. Of course, there are shades of grey, like whether or not her expectations in regard to you are feasible and so forth, but in my over-simplified view of it, if comes down to either letting her go or proving her wrong. There are plenty of good reasons to end a relationship, but I don't think negative inertia is a good one (but that's just me, of course).

[AliTree]

i don't know, but maybe she shows her feelings different from you. i'm sure you have feelings; everyone has at least some. and you obviously have the feeling of "caring" because you came here for advice.
i would try to find out as some call her "love language". what truly proves to her that someone has affection towards her? my boyfriend's is "quality time" just talking about our lives and thoughts, etc. mine are "spontaneous gifts" because this shows that you were thinking about me and wanted to spend money on me just because.
so start there. also figure out your own. but after you figure out hers, then try to remember to do whatever she needs occasionally so she thinks that you care.

[Jeff]

	Originally Posted by ElstonGunn To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	As Mr Zipp and Señor Changos have said, is the problem that you don't have feelings for her, or is it that she thinks you don't? That's the biggest question you have to think about, the way I see it.

That's a good question. My problem is that I think I show my emotions in a very quiet subtle way. They're unconventional (like all INTJ's) and hard to read, both for other people and for me.

I'm starting to have doubts on whether I can actually truly "love" somebody in the capacity that everybody else supposedly can. Or maybe I just haven't found the person that makes me go wild..

[alphawolf]

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[ScurvyRose]

	Originally Posted by alphawolf To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. .

Well that is one perspective. A clinical type of description.

[zibber]

	Originally Posted by changos To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	She wants you to fee bad, thats it.

Bingo.

[Fridays Child]

	Originally Posted by Gizmos Gadgets To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	A week ago, she suddenly realizes that I don't really have any feelings at all, and she can't live with that fact. She wants to be separated from me. I'm kind of puzzled... everything was going so smoothly and this comes up. Do you guys have any ideas what might be happening? If you need me to clarify anything, please ask. It's great to come out of the lurker closet. :D

You just fell for the oldest trick of someone wanting out of a relationship: making it somehow your fault.

You may be the oblivious type, or she may be the hiding type, but these things don't happen suddenly without a reason. She has found someone else, or she has come to the end of her interest in what makes you tick. Either way, she's gone.

Take this opportunity to examine what you thought was working so smoothly and use it for improving your awareness for next time.