Can a guy and girl just be friends? - Page 7

**Smoke n Mirrors** · 11-11-2008, 06:43 PM

I would say that in theory it should be possible. It's certainly possible if you don't get particularly close.

I seem to have this really annoying tendency to at least think I have a crush on any guy I get within ten feet of who treats me like a human being, and it complicates my ability to be "just friends" with them, especially if they pay a lot of attention to me and talk to me and stuff. (If they don't pay much attention to me, I usually forget about them for a while.)

Man, that whole post makes me sound really... I dunno. I don't like it. Oh, well.

hullolife · 11-11-2008, 07:12 PM

I loved When Harry Met Sally. And that's all I can currently contribute... sigh :D

**Fanowene** · 11-11-2008, 07:17 PM

Hmmm... At the moment I'm wondering if it is possible for me to differentiate between romantic attraction and the connection created by being friends. Somehow I wonder if for me there needs to be a critical point where the borders are set: "No we're not going to be dating." and then we can become friends? And if that critical point doesn't happen and it gets to uncomfortable for me, I look for a way to get out of the situation.

I also wonder if my mind can play tricks on me when it comes to that point. It seems like it did that on Sunday evening (I wrote an email that in hindsight could be translated to mean just about the opposite of what it said in words.). It resolved the situation to near full satisfaction, though (for me).

**cheewagacheewag** · 11-11-2008, 07:43 PM

	Originally Posted by enfpchick To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Do you honestly think that a guy and a girl can simply be friends? Do you believe one of them have some underlying motif? or do these type of friendships lead to something more down the line? All personal examples welcome!

Yes, but only if there is no sexual tension or sexual interest. For example, the only TRUE female friend I have now is a lesbian friend that I used to work with.

I am a strong believer in the ladder theory. I do have other female friends, but if they asked me to sleep with them then I wouldn't hesitate.

**brainysmurf** · 01-31-2009, 04:45 PM

	Originally Posted by FoxyGirl55 To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Have any of you read about The Ladder Theory? If not, just Google it. I'm not saying I buy it. I just thought it was something the individuals posting on this thread might be interested in. However, I do think it is good for a few laughs (if you're not overly sensitive) and some of it (based on my experience) does ring true.

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Is actually quite an interesting theory.

I'm a girl and I agree with the two-ladder-part of the theory for girls, but disagree with the rating system.

What do you guys think about the one-ladder-part of the theory for guys and their rating system?

**azelismia** · 01-31-2009, 05:12 PM

Originally Posted by Josephine1012
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I think this topic is really interesting. I used to be a very strong believer in a "yes, absolutely, why not" As I got a little older and analyzed a little I realized that it isn't really true.

Majority of my friends have always been male. However, I do not have any male friends that have been consistently friends with me for an extended period of time (anything over 4-5 years for when either is involved with other people, about 4 months when we're both single).

There is always drama. I agree with LionsPride that even if you're not interested in your friend sexually you need to know that they will sleep with you under some circumstance. But given long enough time due to that little side note, someone always crosses the line.

I can honestly say I get along with men better, but it is because they are more forgiving of my quirks, writing them off as "she is a girl, so she is different.... eh, whatever"

Every single friendship I have had with a guy either ended in a relationship or ended very very badly with lots of hurt feelings. Or I was wise enough to keep the distance enough where it never crossed the line. But when you keep that distance is it that true all inclusive friendship we're really talking about.

I guess, I'm speaking from a personal experience, but I've never been friends with a guy who hasn't at some point tried to sleep with me... I know how it sounds, but it is the honest to god truth. I don't think I encourage it, but considering that stipulation mentioned by LionsPride earlier perhaps subconsciously I do. I doubt I'm alone in that though...

ditto on everything written here, I gave up on trying to have male friends years ago. you can't ever really let your guard down. if the person was really a "friend" that would not be the case.

**Maayan** · 01-31-2009, 05:14 PM

Who cares? Attraction doesn't mean treating someone like a piece of meat. A functional friendship isn't contingent upon asexuality. Although...

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(I hope I'm the first one to post this.)

**tp6626** · 01-31-2009, 05:22 PM

I think it's just that sex means less to men than it does to women. If you asked any male friend if they would have sex with you (no strings attached), just to pass the time for a bit of a laugh, I bet they'd mostly be up for it. Why wouldn't they? If you're close enough to be considered a friend, I'm sure they wouldn't flinch at having sex with you.

It is built into their nature after all to spread their seed as far as possible. Maybe this is part of it?

The only reasons I can think a man may avoid it, would be to avoid causing problems, treading on tows, feeling awkward, or catching some sort of disease. Doesn't mean he would actively not want to do it though, if presented with it on a plate.

It's an odd one.

**Maayan** · 01-31-2009, 05:43 PM

	Originally Posted by tp6626 To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I think it's just that sex means less to men than it does to women. If you asked any male friend if they would have sex with you (no strings attached), just to pass the time for a bit of a laugh, I bet they'd mostly be up for it. Why wouldn't they? If you're close enough to be considered a friend, I'm sure they wouldn't flinch at having sex with you.

True. I know of a study in which a woman approached men on a university campus and propositioned them for sex -- no strings attached. Her proposition was almost invariably accepted, and those who turned her down had partners and didn't think that they could get away with cheating. Interestingly enough, when the researchers repeated the experiment with the genders flipped, all of the women rejected the proposition. The researchers even acknowledged that safety is an issue for women, and revised the experiment so that a trusted friend acted as a "middle man," who assured that the guy isn't a creep. Still, all of them rejected his proposition.

**daydreamer** · 01-31-2009, 06:28 PM

i have guys friends that i consider very close, and a lesbian friend as well. i don't feel any sexual tension. for one, i think i give off the vibe to anyone getting to know me that i have been with my mate for so long it's a foregone conclusion that extra-marital sex is out of the question. and although all of them are not married, each of their lives is complicated in its own right; why would we want to complicate the friendship with issues of sex? i think it's safe to say we just want to be friends, even though we may care for each other a great deal. i'm glad that someone believes guys and girls can be friends.
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**llBradll** · 01-31-2009, 09:40 PM

	Originally Posted by brainysmurf To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	*To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.* Is actually quite an interesting theory. I'm a girl and I agree with the two-ladder-part of the theory for girls, but disagree with the rating system. What do you guys think about the one-ladder-part of the theory for guys and their rating system?

I'm a guy and I'd have to agree with the female ladder. I think the male ladder is sort of inaccurate because it doesn't take into account the decent guys.
I'll be completely honest here. If an attractive female friend asked to fuck, I'd probably be open to it as long as she understands its just sex. I wouldn't lead her on to anything else.
The ladders just don't work out for nice guys though because they begin with comfort which sends them straight to the friends latter. They need to begin with attraction which will get them on the right latter. Thats also why girls like jerks. They start out with attraction and have much better odds being on the right ladder.

**BostonIan** · 01-31-2009, 10:23 PM

To me, "nice guys" are worse people than jerks. A jerk seduces a woman strongly, honestly. A nice guy lingers like a dormant virus, waiting for a moment of weakness, then does what jerks do, only weaker, hypocritically, while pretending to be a sweetheart. Good men are closer to jerks than nice guys, I think.

On topic, thinking back, every single female friend I've ever had was a woman who was in love with me, but who I wasn't attracted to. Whenever there was a mutual attraction, even in a group of regular "friends", there was always a distance between mutually-attracted people that would prevent a friendship from forming. I think what usually happens in one-sided "friendships" is that one is drawn to other for their attractiveness, moves toward them, breaks the familiarity barrier, and then sometimes gets stuck there, especially if they're non-threatening. The resulting relationship is less about friendship and more about making patient, polite conversation while stuck in sexual purgatory.

This is coming from a chastoid, by the way, I'm not jaded in these matters. Just calling it like I think it is.

**Samoan Corleone** · 01-31-2009, 10:43 PM

With all this talk of the Ladder Theory, I have to disagree with it. I mean, c'mon, it's basically a huge generalization. I have many good female friends who are funny, smart, good-looking and just genuinely good people, and any guy would be lucky to be with one of them, but if they made that kind of move on me it'd be awkward. I'd tell them no. Yes, I'm very much a straight male.

There's also no such thing as the "friend-zone". Just attraction and lack thereof.

As for the study that Maayan mentioned, I can honestly say that I would've turned down that girl if she approached me, and I'm single at the moment. There are some evil-ass bitches (excuse my passionate language) out there who use sex as currency, knowing that most males are too weak to resist. No way in hell am I letting them control me, man! I got a code of ethics, ya know?!

Samoan Corleone added to this post, 2 minutes and 47 seconds later...

In closing, I'd like to quote...myself:

"Every man is born with two heads, think with the one on your shoulders."

**sujit** · 01-31-2009, 10:51 PM

A guy of 20 years old can't see friendship between a girl and another guy initially because of comparatively higher sexual drive in comparison to a pratice of friendship.
Freindship is a spontaneity which comes after a certain time of association between two individual. It has nothing to do with any other man's frame of reference.

**alphawolf** · 02-01-2009, 05:17 AM

I have had sex at least twice with each of the women who are my "friends". This doesn't count coworkers, some of which I talk to quite regularly on a personal level but never see outside of work.

If I am spending time alone with a woman, I am always thinking about having sex with her. I don't spend time alone with ones that I don't want to have sex with, because there are too many that I do want to have sex with and life is short.

**Asinine** · 02-01-2009, 12:43 PM

Sure, I being just friends actually is possible, for me at least. But, there is always a question sitting in the back of my mind as to whether I'm missing subtle clues, or if I should take what I'm told on it's face. It's a bug in the system, since a lot of human courting relies on subtly and false pretenses.

	Originally Posted by BostonIan To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	To me, "nice guys" are worse people than jerks. A jerk seduces a woman strongly, honestly. A nice guy lingers like a dormant virus, waiting for a moment of weakness, then does what jerks do, only weaker, hypocritically, while pretending to be a sweetheart. Good men are closer to jerks than nice guys, I think.

So, nice guy's can't be honest about their sexual attraction?

**Vagrant** · 02-01-2009, 12:47 PM

I can be "just friends" with women that are already in relationships, or I don't find attractive.

Single, attractive women... well, that's a bit harder. lol double entendre

**Sesquipedalian** · 02-01-2009, 01:50 PM

No. It is absolutely impossible for guys and girls to be friends.

...

**probity** · 02-01-2009, 02:46 PM

I've never had a problem being 'just friends' with men, even men that I find attractive. Most people I make friends with are people I'm attracted to anyway, if I wasn't I wouldn't be interested in getting to know them. Only once have I ever felt the need to pursue a romantic relationship with a friend, in every other circumstance I've always been satisfied with letting the relationship stay friendly.

**Monte314** · 02-01-2009, 04:28 PM

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**Cyr** · 02-01-2009, 07:04 PM

Given there's no attraction whatsoever, I believe friendship is possible. And one of the two ppl looking like Frankenstein definitely helps staying "just friends"...
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**llBradll** · 02-01-2009, 09:22 PM

Can't I just be friends and be open to sex? I mean people are always looking to upgrade.

**Samoan Corleone** · 02-01-2009, 11:58 PM

	Originally Posted by llBradll To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Can't I just be friends and be open to sex? I mean people are always looking to upgrade.

That's called being fuck buddies, and yes they do exist.

**llBradll** · 02-02-2009, 07:15 PM

I would argue that that still counts as friends.

**enfpchick** · 02-02-2009, 08:22 PM

Being just friends with guys works well for me. It has to because most all of my friends are guys, less drama, and i certainly wouldn't do them.
lol expect for one but thats another story.

11-11-2008, 06:43 PM	#151
Smoke n Mirrors New Member [01%] MBTI: Intj Join Date: May 2008 Posts: 47	I would say that in theory it should be possible. It's certainly possible if you don't get particularly close. I seem to have this really annoying tendency to at least think I have a crush on any guy I get within ten feet of who treats me like a human being, and it complicates my ability to be "just friends" with them, especially if they pay a lot of attention to me and talk to me and stuff. (If they don't pay much attention to me, I usually forget about them for a while.) Man, that whole post makes me sound really... I dunno. I don't like it. Oh, well.
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11-11-2008, 07:12 PM	#152
hullolife Member [16%] MBTI: iNTP Join Date: Nov 2008 Posts: 656	I loved When Harry Met Sally. And that's all I can currently contribute... sigh :D
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11-11-2008, 07:17 PM	#153
Fanowene Member [33%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Oct 2008 Posts: 1,354	Hmmm... At the moment I'm wondering if it is possible for me to differentiate between romantic attraction and the connection created by being friends. Somehow I wonder if for me there needs to be a critical point where the borders are set: "No we're not going to be dating." and then we can become friends? And if that critical point doesn't happen and it gets to uncomfortable for me, I look for a way to get out of the situation. I also wonder if my mind can play tricks on me when it comes to that point. It seems like it did that on Sunday evening (I wrote an email that in hindsight could be translated to mean just about the opposite of what it said in words.). It resolved the situation to near full satisfaction, though (for me).
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01-31-2009, 05:14 PM	#157
Maayan Member [27%] MBTI: ENFJ Join Date: Jan 2009 Posts: 1,095	Who cares? Attraction doesn't mean treating someone like a piece of meat. A functional friendship isn't contingent upon asexuality. Although... To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. (I hope I'm the first one to post this.)
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01-31-2009, 05:22 PM	#158
tp6626 Core Member [108%] MBTI: iNTj Join Date: Apr 2008 Posts: 4,338	I think it's just that sex means less to men than it does to women. If you asked any male friend if they would have sex with you (no strings attached), just to pass the time for a bit of a laugh, I bet they'd mostly be up for it. Why wouldn't they? If you're close enough to be considered a friend, I'm sure they wouldn't flinch at having sex with you. It is built into their nature after all to spread their seed as far as possible. Maybe this is part of it? The only reasons I can think a man may avoid it, would be to avoid causing problems, treading on tows, feeling awkward, or catching some sort of disease. Doesn't mean he would actively not want to do it though, if presented with it on a plate. It's an odd one.
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01-31-2009, 06:28 PM	#160
daydreamer Veteran Member [66%] MBTI: xntx Join Date: Jan 2009 Posts: 2,644	i have guys friends that i consider very close, and a lesbian friend as well. i don't feel any sexual tension. for one, i think i give off the vibe to anyone getting to know me that i have been with my mate for so long it's a foregone conclusion that extra-marital sex is out of the question. and although all of them are not married, each of their lives is complicated in its own right; why would we want to complicate the friendship with issues of sex? i think it's safe to say we just want to be friends, even though we may care for each other a great deal. i'm glad that someone believes guys and girls can be friends. To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
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01-31-2009, 10:23 PM	#162
BostonIan Member [31%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Dec 2008 Posts: 1,242	To me, "nice guys" are worse people than jerks. A jerk seduces a woman strongly, honestly. A nice guy lingers like a dormant virus, waiting for a moment of weakness, then does what jerks do, only weaker, hypocritically, while pretending to be a sweetheart. Good men are closer to jerks than nice guys, I think. On topic, thinking back, every single female friend I've ever had was a woman who was in love with me, but who I wasn't attracted to. Whenever there was a mutual attraction, even in a group of regular "friends", there was always a distance between mutually-attracted people that would prevent a friendship from forming. I think what usually happens in one-sided "friendships" is that one is drawn to other for their attractiveness, moves toward them, breaks the familiarity barrier, and then sometimes gets stuck there, especially if they're non-threatening. The resulting relationship is less about friendship and more about making patient, polite conversation while stuck in sexual purgatory. This is coming from a chastoid, by the way, I'm not jaded in these matters. Just calling it like I think it is. Last edited by BostonIan; 01-31-2009 at 10:38 PM.
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01-31-2009, 10:43 PM	#163
Samoan Corleone Core Member [151%] MBTI: INxJ Join Date: Jan 2009 Posts: 6,078	With all this talk of the Ladder Theory, I have to disagree with it. I mean, c'mon, it's basically a huge generalization. I have many good female friends who are funny, smart, good-looking and just genuinely good people, and any guy would be lucky to be with one of them, but if they made that kind of move on me it'd be awkward. I'd tell them no. Yes, I'm very much a straight male. There's also no such thing as the "friend-zone". Just attraction and lack thereof. As for the study that Maayan mentioned, I can honestly say that I would've turned down that girl if she approached me, and I'm single at the moment. There are some evil-ass bitches (excuse my passionate language) out there who use sex as currency, knowing that most males are too weak to resist. No way in hell am I letting them control me, man! I got a code of ethics, ya know?! Samoan Corleone added to this post, 2 minutes and 47 seconds later... In closing, I'd like to quote...myself: "Every man is born with two heads, think with the one on your shoulders."
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01-31-2009, 10:51 PM	#164
sujit New Member [01%] MBTI: intj Join Date: Jan 2009 Posts: 18	A guy of 20 years old can't see friendship between a girl and another guy initially because of comparatively higher sexual drive in comparison to a pratice of friendship. Freindship is a spontaneity which comes after a certain time of association between two individual. It has nothing to do with any other man's frame of reference.
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02-01-2009, 05:17 AM	#165
alphawolf Veteran Member [59%] MBTI: INFJ Join Date: Oct 2008 Posts: 2,361	I have had sex at least twice with each of the women who are my "friends". This doesn't count coworkers, some of which I talk to quite regularly on a personal level but never see outside of work. If I am spending time alone with a woman, I am always thinking about having sex with her. I don't spend time alone with ones that I don't want to have sex with, because there are too many that I do want to have sex with and life is short.
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02-01-2009, 12:47 PM	#167
Vagrant Core Member [155%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Oct 2008 Posts: 6,217	I can be "just friends" with women that are already in relationships, or I don't find attractive. Single, attractive women... well, that's a bit harder. lol double entendre
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02-01-2009, 01:50 PM	#168
Sesquipedalian Member [18%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Mar 2008 Posts: 725	No. It is absolutely impossible for guys and girls to be friends. ...
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02-01-2009, 02:46 PM	#169
probity Member [21%] MBTI: ISTP Join Date: Oct 2008 Posts: 857	I've never had a problem being 'just friends' with men, even men that I find attractive. Most people I make friends with are people I'm attracted to anyway, if I wasn't I wouldn't be interested in getting to know them. Only once have I ever felt the need to pursue a romantic relationship with a friend, in every other circumstance I've always been satisfied with letting the relationship stay friendly.
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02-01-2009, 04:28 PM	#170
Monte314 Core Member [406%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Apr 2008 Posts: 16,262	To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
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02-01-2009, 07:04 PM	#171
Cyr New Member [01%] MBTI: INTj Join Date: Jan 2009 Posts: 63	Given there's no attraction whatsoever, I believe friendship is possible. And one of the two ppl looking like Frankenstein definitely helps staying "just friends"... To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
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02-01-2009, 09:22 PM	#172
llBradll Veteran Member [73%] MBTI: XNTj Join Date: Jan 2009 Posts: 2,920	Can't I just be friends and be open to sex? I mean people are always looking to upgrade.
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02-02-2009, 07:15 PM	#174
llBradll Veteran Member [73%] MBTI: XNTj Join Date: Jan 2009 Posts: 2,920	I would argue that that still counts as friends.
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02-02-2009, 08:22 PM	#175
enfpchick Member [20%] MBTI: ENFP Join Date: Mar 2008 Posts: 803	Being just friends with guys works well for me. It has to because most all of my friends are guys, less drama, and i certainly wouldn't do them. lol expect for one but thats another story.
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