Supporting an INFJ

**Uytuun** · 09-14-2008, 03:39 PM

So let's say we're dealing with some typical INFJ angst, self-esteem issues, gloominess and a perpetual "I'm doomed" attitude (and yes, I realise that not all INFJs are like this bla bla).

How does one help them the most? I don't know how to respond to the INFJ very well. To me it's fairly simple, when there's a problem, solve it (*hugs Te*). But apparently it doesn't work like that for this specimen and she keeps going round in circles testing my patience.

So what does she want? And is what she wants the "best" answer to her confessions? Is she just looking for someone to listen and tell her that it will be alright or does she wants a solution (doubtful)?

Please enlighten me.

**green eyes** · 09-14-2008, 04:36 PM

I'm quoting myself from another thread:

	Originally Posted by green eyes To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	INFJs are already independent in that we tend to make important decisions/figure things out/come to conclusions on our own in our own timing, much like INTJs. I think there is only so much that you can do to REALLY help him.

She definitely needs to express herself, though. I think we INFJs can sometimes get so clouded by heavy emotion that we cannot see clearly. You are probably already doing the best thing possible by listening and genuinely trying to understand her point of view. Just don't lie to her. I've found that you INTJs have a knack for putting my need to express and be understood at ease, and I like to think that you benefit from these kinds of interactions, too.
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**Sequoia** · 09-14-2008, 04:44 PM

When someone is going through an emotional crisis, regardless of personality type, what doesn't work is concrete advise on what action to take. Any solution must come from within. What you can do is just be there for her; let her know that no matter what she's going through, you aren't going to reject her for it. It'll help her to feel that she has a safe place from which to work these issues out. Since she's INFJ, what she's feeling can't really be explained in language anyway. She may think she's clear, but she will find most will not understand her (trust me on this one).

Don't expect to be able to solve her problems. But if you are just a good listener and can reflect back to her what she's said, only in your own words, so she knows you hear her, it will help speed up the process. You don't have to tell her that it's alright if it isn't; she will spot an insincere platitude from a mile away.

I know you stated it, but not all of my personality type are prone to depression, any more than any other personality type is. What you are seeing is that no matter what emotions we are feeling, we do so very intensely, both good and bad. It's hard for young INFJ's to realise that those who are not, do not process and deal with emotion on the same level we do.

If you find you can't be there for her, that you don't have the level of feelings for her that will allow you to be there for her, let her know, but gently.

**ricearoni** · 09-14-2008, 04:48 PM

Depends on the situation. If you could be a little more specific that would help in figuring out exactly what kind of support she's looking for.

But in general, I think issues with self-esteem and gloominess is something someone has to learn to overcome on their own. I think (I could be wrong) people who have issues like that, have a distorted perspective of their life. They view themselves as victims and are unable to see that they are responsible for their own happiness. They live in fear and they don't even know what that fear is because they've avoided dealing with it for so long.

I know I went through a 'poor me' phase (while trying to get a promotion at work) and the only time I saw the light was when some random person bluntly said: you'd be a lot more happier if you just said what you wanted. But I think that worked well because he was a stranger. From my friends, I think that approach would've closed me off a little. I needed them to remind me of what I'm good at and then tell me to stop talking and start doing something.

**Eric86** · 09-14-2008, 05:17 PM

I whole-heartedly agree with everything said so far.

**Uytuun** · 09-15-2008, 02:57 AM

Cool, thanks. So I'll just work on listening without indulging the "poor me" attitude too much and also without going into problem-solving mode. Should be an opportunity to learn for me too.
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**Seppuku Savant** · 09-15-2008, 05:08 AM

I just learned this year that people don't always want their problems solved. Some, especially feelers want you to dispense empathy and concern.

**moon** · 09-15-2008, 06:51 AM


	So what does she want? And is what she wants the "best" answer to her confessions? Is she just looking for someone to listen and tell her that it will be alright or does she wants a solution (doubtful)?

She doesn't want solutions or your role of "troubleshooter", yet mutual share of thoughts and feelings. INFJs have most complicated F, but you didn't described situation closer, so i can't tell anything more about that.

**hojiscott** · 09-15-2008, 09:14 AM

Generally, I'd say that when we want concrete advise - we will ask for it. But, sometimes that is what we need regardless. Sometimes my husband will ask me questions with which he can gently guide and help me to face the issue (own-up, make a decision, etc.) You said 'confession', that is curious.

**Sequoia** · 09-15-2008, 12:29 PM

	Originally Posted by hojiscott To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Generally, I'd say that when we want concrete advise - we will ask for it. But, sometimes that is what we need regardless. Sometimes my husband will ask me questions with which he can gently guide and help me to face the issue (own-up, make a decision, etc.) You said 'confession', that is curious.

Oh that is true. I often help someone gain insight on a problem they're dealing with by asking questions that help them gain perspective on it. This way, they can find their own resolution and it will feel true for them. Just be aware, that the answers they find to your questions may not be the answer you had in mind, but it will be right for them.

**AliTree** · 09-15-2008, 08:21 PM

DEFINITELY wants you to listen. i am dating an INFJ and that is one thing they really need at like all times.
they are probably very analytical, like you. so don't be afraid to simply (after they're done talking) talk about different solutions different view points over and over. just get the juices flowing and give them practical encouragement.

**Antares** · 09-16-2008, 08:59 AM

One thing I learned over the years; if someone comes to me with a problem while being downtrodden and angsty, I switch to 'banality' mode. Let them vent. No problem solving required. They aren't listening. They just want an excuse to vent their frustrations. Talk about it with them. It gets them off your back and generally makes them feel a lot better. If they seek me out calmly with a problem, though, then I know their sole purpose is to get perspective and possible solutions to it.

09-14-2008, 03:39 PM	#1
Uytuun Member [26%] MBTI: INTj Join Date: Jan 2008 Posts: 1,062	So let's say we're dealing with some typical INFJ angst, self-esteem issues, gloominess and a perpetual "I'm doomed" attitude (and yes, I realise that not all INFJs are like this bla bla). How does one help them the most? I don't know how to respond to the INFJ very well. To me it's fairly simple, when there's a problem, solve it (hugs Te). But apparently it doesn't work like that for this specimen and she keeps going round in circles testing my patience. So what does she want? And is what she wants the "best" answer to her confessions? Is she just looking for someone to listen and tell her that it will be alright or does she wants a solution (doubtful)? Please enlighten me.
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09-14-2008, 04:44 PM	#3
Sequoia Core Member [142%] MBTI: INFJ Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 5,702	When someone is going through an emotional crisis, regardless of personality type, what doesn't work is concrete advise on what action to take. Any solution must come from within. What you can do is just be there for her; let her know that no matter what she's going through, you aren't going to reject her for it. It'll help her to feel that she has a safe place from which to work these issues out. Since she's INFJ, what she's feeling can't really be explained in language anyway. She may think she's clear, but she will find most will not understand her (trust me on this one). Don't expect to be able to solve her problems. But if you are just a good listener and can reflect back to her what she's said, only in your own words, so she knows you hear her, it will help speed up the process. You don't have to tell her that it's alright if it isn't; she will spot an insincere platitude from a mile away. I know you stated it, but not all of my personality type are prone to depression, any more than any other personality type is. What you are seeing is that no matter what emotions we are feeling, we do so very intensely, both good and bad. It's hard for young INFJ's to realise that those who are not, do not process and deal with emotion on the same level we do. If you find you can't be there for her, that you don't have the level of feelings for her that will allow you to be there for her, let her know, but gently.
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09-14-2008, 04:48 PM	#4
ricearoni Member [22%] MBTI: INFJ Join Date: Jun 2008 Posts: 897	Depends on the situation. If you could be a little more specific that would help in figuring out exactly what kind of support she's looking for. But in general, I think issues with self-esteem and gloominess is something someone has to learn to overcome on their own. I think (I could be wrong) people who have issues like that, have a distorted perspective of their life. They view themselves as victims and are unable to see that they are responsible for their own happiness. They live in fear and they don't even know what that fear is because they've avoided dealing with it for so long. I know I went through a 'poor me' phase (while trying to get a promotion at work) and the only time I saw the light was when some random person bluntly said: you'd be a lot more happier if you just said what you wanted. But I think that worked well because he was a stranger. From my friends, I think that approach would've closed me off a little. I needed them to remind me of what I'm good at and then tell me to stop talking and start doing something.
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09-14-2008, 05:17 PM	#5
Eric86 Member [23%] MBTI: INFJ Join Date: May 2008 Posts: 956	I whole-heartedly agree with everything said so far.
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09-15-2008, 02:57 AM	#6
Uytuun Member [26%] MBTI: INTj Join Date: Jan 2008 Posts: 1,062	Cool, thanks. So I'll just work on listening without indulging the "poor me" attitude too much and also without going into problem-solving mode. Should be an opportunity to learn for me too. To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
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09-15-2008, 05:08 AM	#7
Seppuku Savant Member [28%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Jun 2008 Posts: 1,123	I just learned this year that people don't always want their problems solved. Some, especially feelers want you to dispense empathy and concern.
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09-15-2008, 09:14 AM	#9
hojiscott New Member [01%] MBTI: infj Join Date: Sep 2008 Posts: 6	Generally, I'd say that when we want concrete advise - we will ask for it. But, sometimes that is what we need regardless. Sometimes my husband will ask me questions with which he can gently guide and help me to face the issue (own-up, make a decision, etc.) You said 'confession', that is curious.
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09-15-2008, 08:21 PM	#11
AliTree Member [39%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Sep 2008 Posts: 1,573	DEFINITELY wants you to listen. i am dating an INFJ and that is one thing they really need at like all times. they are probably very analytical, like you. so don't be afraid to simply (after they're done talking) talk about different solutions different view points over and over. just get the juices flowing and give them practical encouragement.
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09-16-2008, 08:59 AM	#12
Antares Core Member [170%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Dec 2007 Posts: 6,832	One thing I learned over the years; if someone comes to me with a problem while being downtrodden and angsty, I switch to 'banality' mode. Let them vent. No problem solving required. They aren't listening. They just want an excuse to vent their frustrations. Talk about it with them. It gets them off your back and generally makes them feel a lot better. If they seek me out calmly with a problem, though, then I know their sole purpose is to get perspective and possible solutions to it.
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