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Have you ever been rude to someone you found attractive? None
Old 07-03-2012, 11:14 AM   #1
curiousgeorge01
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Have you been attracted to someone but found yourself rude to them sometimes/often? Why is that? I've noticed these a few times from women on my end and it confuses me b/c I would think if they like you they would be nice to you. But I would like to hear it from both sides.

Just an update to why I wrote the post:

I was just thinking back several years ago when I was with someone. I worked with a girl who at the time I thought was gorgeous but she was with someone as well. I found myself looking at her often and I'm sure she knew I found her attractive and she would flirt with me occasionally. I think at a certain point I stopped looking b/c I didn't think it would be helpful on either of our parts and I think she found that offensive. When I stopped by to chat with her she would be very curt. However several months later we started eyeing each other again and though I never did anything to pursue it we still played that game. I believe she was an INFx.
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Old 07-03-2012, 11:19 AM   #2
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Interesting question... And no. I am not rude with people I want to bed because that could possibly thin out my chances.

I am rude to people whose faces I don't want to see ever again.
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Old 07-03-2012, 11:22 AM   #3
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Helga Pataki Syndrome?
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Old 07-03-2012, 11:24 AM   #4
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I might be rude to a guy that I considered physically attractive but emotionally/personally unattractive.

I don't just sleep with hot guys because they're hot...I actually have to LIKE someone to want to sleep with him. And if I don't, hotness doesn't matter.

I have flirted with guys that were attractive but that I had no intention of sleeping with, and considered unnecessarily arrogant. In those cases, I've been rude and taken them down a peg purely for the personal enjoyment it gave me to do so.
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Old 07-03-2012, 11:24 AM   #5
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  Originally Posted by curiousgeorge01
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Have you been attracted to someone but found yourself rude to them sometimes/often? Why is that? I've noticed these a few times from women on my end and it confuses me b/c I would think if they like you they would be nice to you. But I would like to hear it from both sides.

You sure they were attracted to you?

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Old 07-03-2012, 11:28 AM   #6
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  Originally Posted by zibber
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You sure they were attracted to you?

It's entirely possible for a woman to find a man attractive and flirt with him, but not be interested at all in him romantically. In that case, women will "neg" as a foil to the guy's arrogance. However, as opposed to negging as engaged in by PUA's, it isn't running game for the purposes of bringing down the ego to get the guy to sleep with you; it's a mind fuck for entertainment value.

Why many women find that enjoyable (including me) is hard to say...we're probably not very nice people, but it does stroke my own ego to say, "You're hot, but you're not as hot as you think you are, and there's no way in hell you're ever going to get this."

I think it's because there are a lot of guys out there who walk around thinking women are just going to drop their panties because the guy is cute/successful/charming/cocky, but it's somewhat gratifying to be the exception to their rule, versus a foregone conclusion.

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Old 07-03-2012, 11:55 AM   #7
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I edited the OP.

---------- Post added 07-03-2012 at 10:58 AM ----------

  Originally Posted by catzmeow
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I might be rude to a guy that I considered physically attractive but emotionally/personally unattractive.

I'm wondering if this was the case with me and that lady. She didn't stop being cold to me until we randomly chatted in an elevator and she got to know me better. Prior to that we didn't talk, we just sort of played that game. I find that NT and NF dynamics very strange....I've noticed I've only felt this sort of thing with NFs.

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Old 07-03-2012, 12:01 PM   #8
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So you are wondering if a woman that was curt to you and didn't make a move was attracted to you?

Hard to tell, man...
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Old 07-03-2012, 12:03 PM   #9
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  Originally Posted by Saggita
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So you are wondering if a woman that was curt to you and didn't make a move was attracted to you?

Hard to tell, man...

Yes part of me. Another part is is this common? Another part is does this just happen to me? And another is, is this a NF/NT thing?

Now that catz said that she herself would be rude to someone she found physically attractive and not emotionally, it got me thinking b/c I didn't really talk to her and maybe she was displaying the same thing. So I wanted a range of responses to compare my situation to.

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Old 07-03-2012, 12:10 PM   #10
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  Originally Posted by curiousgeorge01
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Yes part of me. Another part is is this common? Another part is does this just happen to me? And another is, is this a NF/NT thing?

Now that catz said that she herself would be rude to someone she found physically attractive and not emotionally, it got me thinking b/c I didn't really talk to her and maybe she was displaying the same thing.

Uh... Perhaps she was not that into you.

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Old 07-03-2012, 12:16 PM   #11
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I'm not denying that. Hence why I'm asking the question.
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Old 07-03-2012, 12:32 PM   #12
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  Originally Posted by curiousgeorge01
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I'm not denying that. Hence why I'm asking the question.

I think that your approach to her came across as "cocky tool" and she wasn't interested in sleeping with you, but was interested in playing ego games with you for her own amusement.

For some reason, cougars have become very cutting edge with young frat guys in my college town, and it's common for these guys to try to run game on women in my age group who are minding our own business, having a drink with a girlfriend on a Saturday night.

I often use this approach to them. I basically mock them right up to the boundary of being overtly rude, and sometimes, if they are particularly drunk and clueless, go across that line.

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Old 07-03-2012, 01:48 PM   #13
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This doesn't really apply to the situation you described, but some forms of flirting can come across as rude. For example, if I like someone I might do a running gag of literally bumping into them every so often and then saying "Jeez, watch where you're going, I'm walking here." But only if I know they'd be ok with it and realize what I'm doing. Also a lot of flirting for me IS just fucking with or slightly making fun of people, not in a "negging" way but in a way that will get them to laugh and be entertained.
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Old 07-03-2012, 02:33 PM   #14
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I'm rude to people who are rude to me.
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Old 07-03-2012, 02:43 PM   #15
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I'd say that its a form of emotion and relationship management and could derive from various things, for example:

1) You might not have gotten what you wanted (like attention), or perhaps not gotten it as fast as you wanted, so you either want to make the other person feel like they've done something wrong so that they try to fix it, or you are trying to de-invest from the relationship or both

2) Sometimes you have other reasons or feel that something is wrong. Treating someone badly is mentally congruent with not being interested and is a way to weaken the emotion. Both because you wouldn't treat someone you liked badly, and also because if you treat someone badly you expect them to treat you badly and that second layer of fear makes you want to break the connection to the person.

... It might be generalized to 'You don't really like the situation and either want to pull out emotionally or try to force the other person to make things better'

I even think that this can form the basis of manipulative patterns where you piss someone off and push their buttons in ways that they will treat you badly and then be remorseful for... so that after the temporary explosion, they treat you better.

---------- Post added 07-03-2012 at 12:46 PM ----------

  Originally Posted by zibber
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You sure they were attracted to you?

You sure women know what they want?
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(Admittedly not consciously understanding your feelings, or what you really want, or what might actually be good for you, happens to guys also)

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Old 07-03-2012, 02:51 PM   #16
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  Originally Posted by catzmeow
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I think that your approach to her came across as "cocky tool" and she wasn't interested in sleeping with you, but was interested in playing ego games with you for her own amusement.

How is it cocky to look at someone and then not?

I can agree it may have been an ego game for her. I just found it odd that it would turn off and then on again. What is the purpose?

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Old 07-03-2012, 02:55 PM   #17
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  Originally Posted by catzmeow
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I've been rude and taken them down a peg purely for the personal enjoyment it gave me to do so.

i'm with catzmeow on this... i'm not sure why i do it apart from being annoyed i was hit on by such a cocky arrogant person. sometimes it's fake cocky arrogance, though. i don't even know. i haven't found these types attractive, though. if it was someone i'd seriously consider dating, i'm less inclined to attack them for whatever cheesy line they came up with. if i'm trying to make up my mind about whether they're attractive or not, i judge their response to my brash quips. if they can truly make me laugh and drop their PUA game, i'm likely to continue talking to them.

---------- Post added 07-03-2012 at 01:56 PM ----------

  Originally Posted by curiousgeorge01
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How is it cocky to look at someone and then not?

I can agree it may have been an ego game for her. I just found it odd that it would turn off and then on again. What is the purpose?

it's not cocky, it's just indecisive. you don't want to be someone's "good enough i guess" person. you want them to want you, period. it can definitely turn off and on.

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Old 07-03-2012, 03:14 PM   #18
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I'll make it a point to be rude to girls I like.

Chicks need to pass the rude test first...
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Old 07-03-2012, 03:24 PM   #19
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  Originally Posted by JC22
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I'll make it a point to be rude to girls I like.

Chicks need to pass the rude test first...

it won't work if they're testing *you* though. :b

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Old 07-03-2012, 03:35 PM   #20
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So continuing with the assumption that the person is actually attracted and interested, additional reasons might include:

3) Punishing behavior that isn't liked.

4) Setting up boundaries and stopping the other person from opening up to you or being too nice in a way that would force you to reciprocate in ways that might make you uncomfortable (like you may not want to be too nice, or you may be uncomfortable being open with your own feelings, or with strong emotional connections to someone else - perhaps because you've been hurt before) - so you stop it before it grows too far.
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Old 07-03-2012, 03:52 PM   #21
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  Originally Posted by ModernLit
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it's not cocky, it's just indecisive. you don't want to be someone's "good enough i guess" person. you want them to want you, period. it can definitely turn off and on.


I suppose in my particular scenario I didn't see any good of coming out of it. Regardless if we were attracted to each other, we were both taken. I suppose I could cheat but that's not something I would consider. Therefore I just didn't see the point of continuing the game. Unless she would consider cheating or that she just didn't mind the attention.

I've noticed that in the office the guys were overtly interested in her and she seems to really enjoy the attention. I was more the type to say hi from a distance and look at her once in a while. I thought it might be possible she thought it odd that I was not overt as well.

Regardless, the overall answer seems to be yes it happens whether or not anything further were to continue.

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Old 07-03-2012, 03:59 PM   #22
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  Originally Posted by curiousgeorge01
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I've noticed that in the office the guys were overtly interested in her and she seems to really enjoy the attention. I was more the type to say hi from a distance and look at her once in a while. I thought it might be possible she thought it odd that I was not overt as well.

Leading to a subconscious use of a manipulation tactic to get you to respond better and be nicer?

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Old 07-03-2012, 04:02 PM   #23
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Yes possibly. I've also had this thing with NFs who seem to find me intriguing as I find them intriguing. I've never dated one but I've noticed something there between the two. But it's all conjecture. Like some people said, it might be her just using he beauty to see if she can get me to react.
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Old 07-03-2012, 04:25 PM   #24
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  Originally Posted by curiousgeorge01
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Yes possibly. I've also had this thing with NFs who seem to find me intriguing as I find them intriguing. I've never dated one but I've noticed something there between the two. But it's all conjecture. Like some people said, it might be her just using he beauty to see if she can get me to react.

Well if everyone treats you nicely, then the person ignoring you is treating you badly and needs to be corrected
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Old 07-03-2012, 04:42 PM   #25
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I tend to treat attractive people with some amount of bias. I assume they are treated very well by most people, so I treat them somewhat poorly compared with others at first. They have to make up some ground with me.
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