[Foggers]

I've noticed that a lot of things don't invoke an emotional response in me. For instance I was reading on another forum about stories from paramedics, involving child abuse and drunk drivers and how it impacted the medic. Other people commented saying "oh my god, that is awful!" Every time, it doesn't make me feel anything. I know it's bad and wrong but I feel no connection.

That might seem okay since I'm disconnected from someone else on the internet.

But in real life, I did something bad to a friend and I knew it was bad but I never felt remorse or guilt. And recently two of my friends broke up but I don't feel any sympathy even though they are good friends.

Is anyone else like this? I'm kind of concerned and don't know what to think....

Sorry, this has been written in a rush.

[Lykaon]

I'm with you. I have a sense of when things are wrong, or objectively sad, but it does not generally evoke an emotional response in me. I've never cried at the death of a loved one, though I do hate going to funerals.

Most of my friends consider me to be very unsympathetic. I am unable to emotionally put myself in one's shoes and I certainly don't feel emotion at someone else's plight -- even if that someone is someone that is very dear to me.

Don't get me wrong, I do *respond* to such situations. I understand that said person is in emotional turmoil and may need support. And I provide such support, because I do want things to be easier for them. But I never "feel" it, if that makes sense.

[TheWanderer]

Yeah, but pratice at it and it will get better. You can start by trying to understand how, what and why their feeling using your intelligence then go from there. Its something you'll have to practice at, but you might be surprised by your own aptitude for it

[Lykaon]

	Originally Posted by TheWanderer To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Yeah, but pratice at it and it will get better. You can start by trying to understand how, what and why their feeling using your intelligence then go from there. Its something you'll have to practice at, but you might be surprised by your own aptitude for it

Perhaps I have not progressed far enough, but I do not expect that I will ever learn to be empathetic or sympathetic.

What I have learned is to understand what a person is feeling and act accordingly. But act is the operative word there. I'm going through the motions of what I know I should do, but I still don't actually 'feel' their pain. And perhaps there is a certain 'sympathy' in that I obviously don't want my loved ones to be in pain, so I do go out of my way to accommodate their emotional state.

So perhaps I have learned to be somewhat situationally sympathetic, but I just can't see a way in which I will ever be empathetic.

[Foggers]

It seems... very heartless. If a friend is upset, I won't really care but will help them out of an obligation and because I know that's what friends are supposed to do.

It's superficial and not at all genuine. Perhaps I'm just a horrible person.

[Pinhas]

I do feel emotions when reading/watching/discussing grand matters that are close to me, and which affected me in some way, such as the war at the country where I grew up, or the Holocaust, and that's probably mainly becuase I was thought these things by emotional people.

But a day to day sympathy with other people's mundane troubles eludes me. Like someone said though, its about learning what people expect you to be when facing a certain situation, and trowing them an emotional bone to make them feel better.

I understand their pain/trouble/etc, but I don't care. Not because I am a heartless baby killer, but mainly becuase its based on emotions and the need for sympathy, and I just find that as weak, boring and generally off putting.

[nharkey]

	Originally Posted by Foggers To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	It seems... very heartless. If a friend is upset, I won't really care but will help them out of an obligation and because I know that's what friends are supposed to do. It's superficial and not at all genuine. Perhaps I'm just a horrible person.

No, not at all. You are who you are. But--lack of empathy/sympathy is one of the areas for Asperger's. You might want to look at that.

[Renvid]

Perhaps INTJ's are more prone to psychopathic tendencies.

[Foggers]

	Originally Posted by nharkey To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	No, not at all. You are who you are. But--lack of empathy/sympathy is one of the areas for Asperger's. You might want to look at that.

I have actually done quite a bit of reading on that and I do have a lot of the specific symptoms. How would I go about getting this diagnosed? I don't want it on my medical records though.

	Originally Posted by Renvid To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Perhaps INTJ's are more prone to psychopathic tendencies.

Also this... the only thing I don't suffer from is lying which seems the biggest tendency. Unless I am lying to myself.

[Panorama]

I've always viewed sympathy as being maladaptive. How does one's becoming emotionally involved in another's plight accomplish anything? It doesn't alleivate the other person's grief, and it keeps one from being productive.

Empathy, however, is quite valuable, because it can help one understand how to approach the grieving person while maintaining one's wits and the ability to effectively help the other.

I'll give a personal example...my work requires that I fairly frequently tell other people that their child has cancer. I am very often asked how I am not made sad by my work, as if I am supposed to be crying with the parents. Firstly, their grief is theirs, not mine...I have no right to it. But even if I did, how could I go about my job of taking care of their child if I let myself get emotionally distraught about their plight? They need me to be calm and clear-headed for them, and I can't do that if I let myself be distracted by how horrible the situation is. I don't go into the situation flippantly, but I have a specific role in it, and it is not to feel their pain.

Being able to keep oneself from getting emotionally involved in the life circumstances of others is an advantage, not a flaw.

[fsmo]

Dealing with feelings in social groups is difficult in two substantial ways... INTJ's have their own internal scales of justice and ethics. We don't just subscribe to things that people tell us we should, we have to contemplate and find our own answers. We also have a hard time processing our emotions on the fly. Those two things can make us seem cold because we don't seem to be having an appropriate emotional response to a social situation. But I don't think that makes us all sociopaths. It's not that the feelings aren't there, we just need time and space to process them.

I've also noticed that the more uncomfortable I am in a situation the less likely I am to let my emotions surface. Regardless of you allowing yourself to submit to your emotions or not you can still be a caring and supportive friend. You can use your logic to interpret what things you are OK with doing to people you consider friends even if you're having a difficult time placing the feelings you have for them right now.

[TheWanderer]

Originally Posted by Lykaon To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

Perhaps I have not progressed far enough, but I do not expect that I will ever learn to be empathetic or sympathetic. What I have learned is to understand what a person is feeling and act accordingly. But act is the operative word there. I'm going through the motions of what I know I should do, but I still don't actually 'feel' their pain. And perhaps there is a certain 'sympathy' in that I obviously don't want my loved ones to be in pain, so I do go out of my way to accommodate their emotional state. So perhaps I have learned to be somewhat situationally sympathetic, but I just can't see a way in which I will ever be empathetic.

Well yeah it can take work to learn to actually FEEL others emotions (I was an incredibly inconsiderate youth and spent my teen years working on that), but if you able to figure them out and act accordingly thats a good start, and the more you follow it the more you'll start to become the mask, less faking being an empathetic person and more being one.

I wonder if where your at might even be good enough, but hey

[drswitchoff]

	I wonder if where your at might even be good enough, but hey

I'm currently operating under the assumption that lack of empathy is making me lonely (along with being alone) which I've decided is not good enough. Adopting the body language of those with whom you wish to empathize helps a little.

[Foggers]

Being older, I have sort of learnt how to act and react but when I think about it afterwards, I literally have no emotional connection with anyone and can't remember when I last did.

I agree with the lack of empathy causing loneliness.

[drswitchoff]

They say people who have been dosed with oxytosin get more empathetic. There are things one can do to stimulate the release of oxytosin like petting your dog. I make an effort to use all the tricks and I think they all help but only a little.

[DesertKnight]

I have a similar issue with empathy/sympathy though how I do feel these things is rather specific. When it comes to normal circumstances (death of a loved one, terrible accident, natural disaster, suicide, etc. etc.) I feel no empathy or sympathy for those involved whatsoever even if the person involved is myself. When my mother died, I felt nothing at all which was seen as cold and distant by my other relatives.

I do however experience a very specific emotional response when something happens that triggers my J. I deliberately sequester myself from news about politics and crime or corruption (especially where the defenseless are involved) because I often feel an intense rage where these areas are concerned. I don't know that I'd call it empathy or sympathy for those involved though; I simply cannot tolerate the injustice of it and cannot process the amount of anger it makes me feel. The desire to help or change the situation is born from anger and frustration, not from empathy. I guess I don't really feel anything like those two particular emotional responses.

I have also learned to fake it till you make it though; helpful skill that.

[TheWanderer]

Anyone watch Dexter? Beyond the Serial Killer Killer thing, its basically about a guy born without a sense of empathy trying to fit into society and eventually trying to learn to connect with people.

[FruitLoop]

Yes, I went to a funeral when my grandmother had died. Everyone was distraught. I felt nothing. What am I not getting?

[hamlet9]

I am capable of empathy, but only in certain situations. For example, I have an easier time empathizing with animals than with people. According to the various tests I've taken on this forum, my empathy level is about on a par with those who have Asperger's, yet I myself do not have Asperger's.

Yes, it's nice we live in a world where there are empathetic people, but that doesn't mean everyone has to or even should be empathetic. Don't get down on yourself if empathy isn't your strong point; you have other valuable qualities to offer your friends and family. Lack of empathy does not equal sociopath, so if that's what you're worried about, don't worry. Sociopaths don't go around fretting about their lack of empathy. Also, be thankful you're a guy, and not a girl like me. Men aren't expected to be empathetic to the extent that women are.

[Lilie]

My empathy will rage out of control if I allow it. So I don't. Most of my life I kept it locked up. It sucked hard for awhile when I finally let it out, and now it's on a tight leash.

It is very useful, incidentally. Sometimes it's like being able to read people's minds.

[SaturnEternity]

It really takes something truly horrible to get any form of gut emotions going for me. Certain things will make me smile, very few things have brought me to tears but has happened. Although I am indifferent to most situations there are examples of things that get me going. One thing that personally bothers me quite a bit is child abuse, having a niece is one of the things I can be emotional about because it tears me up thinking that anything bad could happen to her. There are things I am empathetic about, but it would take too long to sort through my mind to create a list of what those things are. Plus there are my passions, but I approach my passions from a rational point of view, not an emotional one. But, that isn't to say that being empathetic means not being rational. I think you can be both, but one needs to know how to properly implement the two together, when and in what sorts of situations.

[nharkey]

The usual answer is to go to a good, psychiatrist. But I guess, to keep it confidential you have to do it privately (pay for it yourself, with no insurance involved.) That should work, or else what is doctor/patient confidentiality for.

If that is it, of course, you come right back to "well, that's who I am". It is not a condition with a cure, though you certainly can learn to make adjustments.

[JadeAria]

	Originally Posted by FruitLoop To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Yes, I went to a funeral when my grandmother had died. Everyone was distraught. I felt nothing. What am I not getting?

When my grandfather died when I was 7 I did the exact same thing (felt nothing). I knew I was supposed to be sad because he was dead & so did my best to come across that way, even at that young age.

I think that real (i.e. actually feeling) emotion/empathy/sympathy comes about the more your Fi is developed. Yes, there are ways to develop it (starting by developing as much of an understanding of it as you can & then trying to recognize when it's happening).

Although it's normal for INTJs to develop Fi the older they get, my Fi developed the hard way (10 years of abuse) and the way it developed completely fucked up all my emotional responses.

To anyone saying it's a bad thing, or that it makes us more prone to psychopathic tendencies, please remember that Fi/Fe is the Tertiary position for 4 (including INTJs) of the 16 types (21% of the population) and is the INFERIOR function in 4 more types (19% more of the population). That means over 19% of the population has it WORSE (i.e. less of an an understanding of it/use it less) than us INTJs.

[Clicka]

My lack of empathy (particularly regarding the domestic) spawns from the fact that there are children dying from starvation somewhere else in east Africa, Kenya, Somalia, and Ethiopia. So, when approached with someone's sad story, I am immediately regarding the aforementioned while trying not to just say aloud: "Pussy."

I can tolerate big heads, conceit, hell even hedonism. But self pity just chaps my balls.

I'm told I'm an asshole for my lack of empathy and understanding. I doubt simple minded individuals with illogical perspectives based on the same generic narrow scope of reality could fathom my vision, and probably the vision of many individuals here.

[sharmainefoin]

My lack of empathy has rendered one of my two friends to wonder if I don't like her. Sure, she can be annoying sometimes, overly emotional and all, but I can tolerate her and stand her company (which is rare). It's just that she has family problems and when I finally coax her to tell me (more out of intellectual curiosity than anything) I remain rather indifferent and detached...

I guess I only feel empathy to my immediate family. Outside that, it's really, really difficult, even for that two friends I have. I just don't have it in me, or maybe it's because I'm extremely self-centered? Perhaps, but I haven't really given it that much of a thought since the lack of empathy doesn't bother me (but others).