[Kratos]

A uhhh friend of mine is a 30 year old virgin. My friend, let's call him Billy, has held out for someone whom he feels deeply connected with. It hasn't happened yet and he's concerned. He's concerned that it will never happen; Billy's concerned that his super shyness and awkwardness partially stems from not experiencing sex.

Seriously though, I just read the thread involving "Love shy" guys, and it scares me. I know this forum is chock full of similar people in similar situations.
What's a love shy guy to do?

[superflax]

Put himself in awkward situations until eventually he stops being shy.
He can't avoid being awkward and shy for ever? :/

[pip]

	Originally Posted by superflax To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Put himself in awkward situations until eventually he stops being shy.

What could possibly go wrong with this?
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	He can't avoid being awkward and shy for ever? :/

Slight discontinuity between the two halves of your message there, what with the implication that he's going to be "awkward and shy" forever regardless of any attempts to prove otherwise.

	What's a love shy guy to do?

This being the major problem of bearing such a mindset: You can't actually do anything about it yourself because you're completely paralysed in that department.

[stoopidkitty]

Losing your virginity to someone you feel "deeply connected with" at the age of 30 is likely setting yourself up for disappointment.

I'm 25, super shy and awkward too, but even I've managed to have sex with a few ladies. I never initiated it either, and I'm far from being a hawt studmuffin. My advice for you (or "Billy"
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) is to lower your standards and basically lose your virginity asap, that way you have a better idea how to perform and stuff when you do meet someone you feel is perfect for you. Here's the main thing: you'll have more confidence after the first time, or at the least there will be a little less "fear of the unexpected" the second time around. Take it slowly, but not as slowly as you have been so far.
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I'm assuming your virginity isn't a consequence of a religious mindset, right?

[t3xm3x]

former 28yo virgin here.. what it took for me was getting in shape, and finding a girl that i was comfortable enough with, and learning basic social networking skills.. if you're not already fit, start working out, seriously working out, weights and cardio, along with a balanced diet... knowing you look great naked will greatly increase your confidence. open an account at match/okcupid, start actually talking to single women with the intention of escalating to a date.

you just need to do it, because it's not going to be romanticized hollywood crap, it's going to be pretty damn awkward at first. think of every future dating failure (there will be many) and lesson learned as building a pyramid, which is eventually going to give you the foundation you need to be successful in the kind of deeply connected relationship you want.

[larkin]

	Originally Posted by pip To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	What could possibly go wrong with this? To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

The suggestion to challenge himself a little more makes sense to me. Yes, there's a lot that can and will go wrong, but fear of love is rooted in fear of failure - when really, continued withdrawal is the far larger (and proven) concern.

But the "challenging himself" might start well before sex. It might mean: more talking to women generally; more talking to women he is attracted to specifically; putting himself in more social situations where it's possible to meet more people, including as friends; and probably at least checking out online dating.

But then again, "love shy" isn't the same as shy. How's the friend situation/ social network? They can help.

[zibber]

I'm so confused. Why lament lack of sex when you should be lamenting lack of deep connection?

[Fujimoto]

Just get it over with. You'll benefit greatly by being more confident. It will be like a weight lifted from your shoulders. Find a flirty acquaintance or a friend of a friend for a few drinks and a one-night stand.

If you're "deeply connected" with someone and haven't had sex, you're in the friendzone. You're in the friendzone because you haven't been confident enough to seal the deal.

Trust me. It all changes.

[thod]

Just hire a call girl. They are not that expensive. The advantage is he can experience the physical act free from relationship worries. Once he has experienced that he doesn't need to worry about that side of things and will be more confident around women.

[IotaNull]

	Originally Posted by thod To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Just hire a call girl. They are not that expensive. The advantage is he can experience the physical act free from relationship worries. Once he has experienced that he doesn't need to worry about that side of things and will be more confident around women.

I don't know about you, but I wouldn't be able to derive confidence about my sexual ability from being with someone who's being paid to feed me bullshit and who wouldn't be there at all if it wasn't for that.

[Lilie]

How often does Billy do things like leave the house and talk to people? It sounds like Billy is focusing too much on sex and not enough on building his basic social skills.

Have you seen The 40 Year Old Virgin? Sure it's a movie, but what was the first thing he did that eventually led to the happy ending of the movie where he (spoiler!) had sex? He made some new friends.

[Helio]

If he really believes sex is his only problem - send him to a hooker? What's the problem?

Oh, and in case he does find out he actually has bigger problems than not having had sex yet - show him this:
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[thod]

	Originally Posted by Iota Null To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I don't know about you, but I wouldn't be able to derive confidence about my sexual ability from being with someone who's being paid to feed me bullshit and who wouldn't be there at all if it wasn't for that.

Well yea. You can only get good at it through repeated practice and you need a partner for that. What he can gain is the experience of ejaculating in vaginas and mouths. Knowing what to expect of a woman, they all do the same sort of things. That should give some confidence when attempting to find a girlfriend.

[Samoan Corleone]

As the great hero of our time John Cena always says, "Never Give Up!"

I'm 22 and also holding out for "the one", so perhaps I'm eight years too young to be giving advice, but surely Billy has interests and hobbies? Maybe there's a book club he could join, or a soup kitchen he could volunteer to work, or an anime convention coming up? Having something in common can help start the initial relationship, which is where a "super-shy" guy should look to start and develop his social skills. He can't go from being scared of people to banging someone instantaneously, not without $50 anyway.

[mieu]

If you're that worried about sex--hookers or craigslist. It's like Russian Roulette with your penis, but you won't be a virgin anymore.

[MechanicalSun]

Originally Posted by Kratos To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

A uhhh friend of mine is a 30 year old virgin. My friend, let's call him Billy, has held out for someone whom he feels deeply connected with. It hasn't happened yet and he's concerned. He's concerned that it will never happen; Billy's concerned that his super shyness and awkwardness partially stems from not experiencing sex. Seriously though, I just read the thread involving "Love shy" guys, and it scares me. I know this forum is chock full of similar people in similar situations. What's a love shy guy to do?

I had a friend like that in the university, he was all about the "love of his life", the woman he would want to marry, his princess blah blah blah...

We took him to a " man's club" for his birthday, he enjoyed it incredibly. And and fell in love with one of the girls, hahaha. He wanted to to take her home with her and ""save" her.
Note: He lived with his mother still(lol).

Result: The guy was so fixated with the girl. his mother had to ground him(30+ age being grounded.. -.-). And then he hated me forever and ever, and his mother for "corrupting his son".
Moral: Being virgin at older ages tends to relate with deep social problems. And don't bring your virgin friends to night clubs, it might have "unforeseen consequences"
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[bobabrowncoat]

Why is Billy concerned? Does he desire sex? Or is he more concerned about connecting with a partner?

[SeverusSin]

	Originally Posted by superflax To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Put himself in awkward situations until eventually he stops being shy. He can't avoid being awkward and shy for ever? :/

I agree. What needs to change is not that he needs to lose his virginity, its the fear that needs to go. Find the source of your fears, face them directly. Elimination of fears is the key in my opinion.

Another very gradual option is to make friends with males and females who are quite social and generally expanding your social circle to include more of the promiscuous types, and especially the types who will encourage you to move outside of your comfort zones. Not necessarily in a competitive sense but in an inclusive sense. This takes time however and to grow within a group may be difficult to deal with as your development can be seen by those around you.

Though I didn't lose my virginity late, being around the right people more recently has been the catalyst for me generating social confidence and the ability to declare my desires to females directly and non-verbally. So I would say either push yourself or put yourself in an environment that automatically pushes you in the direction you think you require.














...or find a prostitute.

[DevAnima]

Being a virgin is not as bad (or at all - Sidis was virgin, Christ was virgin) as the reason for being such. So I would recommend you to figure out the real reasons for that and then you can keep them or eliminate them depending on that is there a reason for doing a one of the former.

[Zephyranthes]

Holding out for a woman you aren't in a relationship or anything with is a good way to die a virgin.

[Booko]

	Originally Posted by Zephyranthes To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Holding out for a woman you aren't in a relationship or anything with is a good way to die a virgin.

Thank you! Is the problem lack of sex or something deeper?

Honestly, I would get some counseling for this. The fact that someone would be holding out for that long for someone who isn't interested in them bespeaks of a more serious problem, and buying sex is not going to solve it.

[Zephyranthes]

	Originally Posted by Booko To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Thank you! Is the problem lack of sex or something deeper? Honestly, I would get some counseling for this. The fact that someone would be holding out for that long for someone who isn't interested in them bespeaks of a more serious problem, and buying sex is not going to solve it.

Lack of knowing when to give up, thinking devotion and loyalty are attractive to her feelings for him? A lot of guys think "patience" means exactly this, confessing feelings and interests in her and then waiting for however long it takes before she returns the feeling. It never happens.

He wants something, and he's unwilling to give up on the idea of it, and not being able to have it only makes him want it more. I guess self control would be useful here. He's idealized her and what it would mean to "get" her, instead of actually looking at what he's got with her (nothing) and treating her as just a friend.

[Samoan Corleone]

	Originally Posted by Booko To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Thank you! Is the problem lack of sex or something deeper? Honestly, I would get some counseling for this. The fact that someone would be holding out for that long for someone who isn't interested in them bespeaks of a more serious problem, and buying sex is not going to solve it.

Can't speak for Billy, but for me, it's just something I want to experience with the "right" person and the "right" person alone. Trust me, there have been times I could have done it (drunk women at nightclubs explicitly stating they were in the mood) but opted not to. I don't see sex as some hurdle that needs to be conquered; just as something I don't want to do with everyone. However, I acknowledge that it's common to bang with no attachments in this day and age. To each, their own.

[RandomLurker]

If Billy gives up now and just settles for anyone then he really did waste the last 30 years.

[themuzicman]

Originally Posted by Kratos To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

A uhhh friend of mine is a 30 year old virgin. My friend, let's call him Billy, has held out for someone whom he feels deeply connected with. It hasn't happened yet and he's concerned. He's concerned that it will never happen; Billy's concerned that his super shyness and awkwardness partially stems from not experiencing sex. Seriously though, I just read the thread involving "Love shy" guys, and it scares me. I know this forum is chock full of similar people in similar situations. What's a love shy guy to do?

Work on social skills.