Difficulty falling asleep in the same bed with someone

**khurynn** · 05-06-2012, 06:19 PM

I'm curious how many others are affected by this problem.

I should preface by saying that I've been in an open relationship with someone for the past 2 1/2 years or so. I'm young and stupid and this is the first relationship I've had. I'm InTJ/IsTJ (borderline), with a heavy emphasis on the I.

We don't share a residence but one of us will occasionally spend the night at the other's house. More often than not, I have a lot of trouble falling asleep. I generally have no trouble falling asleep if I'm in the bed alone.

It's almost as though my brain is very conscious of the fact that there's someone else there, and it won't "shut off." Maybe a little bit of a claustrophobic feeling too. And I can never fall asleep if I have an arm wrapped around me, or anything touching me at all. This has led me to take a few OTC sleeping pills before bed to get by, otherwise I just toss and turn, but I'm not happy with that solution. When I do fall asleep I often wake up repeatedly throughout the night, so it's not a very deep sleep.

I feel at ease around her otherwise, and don't think it's something to do with her specifically. I've also had similar problems in the past when trying to fall asleep with other people in the same bed too, or even people in the same room (especially if they snore).

I feel as though it's created some stress in the relationship too and she doesn't quite understand my problem, and it's frustrating for me. If it's bad enough I'll just throw up my hands and go sleep on the couch, which I know upsets her. It happened again this weekend, although this time it was after we had both spent 3-4 hours at a large social event, so I was a mental wreck at that point.

Anyway, I was curious if other people have this problem, or ideas for how to deal with it. This is one of many things I don't really understand about myself yet.

**ModernLit** · 05-06-2012, 06:21 PM

in general it's hard for me to fall asleep. if the other person it's snoring or flailing about too much, or smacking me in the face or kicking or whatever... i'm about as likely to sleep about the same as i do on my own. i think men sleep better with someone with them and women don't. not exactly sure why. but i think it's true.

but it's still nice to have a cuddle buddy and someone to wake up to.

**Archer** · 05-06-2012, 06:52 PM

I think not getting a good nights sleep will cause more stress in the relationship than not being able to sleep with someone. I've read that married couples that sleep in separate rooms tend to be happier because they get better rest. Personally I enjoy the intimacy of sharing a bed with a women.

**Booko** · 05-06-2012, 07:24 PM

You may find this article interesting:

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My best friend and her husband sleep in twin beds that are put next to each other. He does what I can only call semaphore all night while he sleeps, and she dislikes being punched in the face by accident. So really it's better that way for them.

My husband and I move very little, so for us it isn't much of an issue. But when we were both snoring like mad we would sometimes wake each other up, and that was a problem.

It's much better to get a good night's sleep and not be cranky all the next day. You'll be easier to live with.

**reckful** · 05-06-2012, 11:12 PM

I'm pretty strongly introverted (and Limbic) but also, with rare exceptions, a good sleeper.

I don't like to have any contact with another person when I'm sleeping and have insisted on that in my adult incarnation (although I'll admit I was able to sleep fine in cuddle position in a twin bed in college) — but I don't have any trouble sleeping with somebody else in the bed as long as there's no contact and no snoring.

The cuddle addicts of the world may try to deny it, but I think not wanting to be touched while you're trying to fall asleep is very common.

**zibber** · 05-06-2012, 11:52 PM

I don't know how, but I got over that. I think it's a mental thing, something reflecting a broader issue of being too focused on the other person. That was kind of a problem for me and I'm happy it's behind me.

(Only time I might spend a lot of time awake is the first couple of instances of sharing the bed with a new person. No innuendo intended; I mean outside of the sex. That's just from excitement for the new shit that's happening.)

	Originally Posted by reckful To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	The cuddle addicts of the world may try to deny it, but I think not wanting to be touched while you're trying to fall asleep is very common.

Your blanket touches you, and your bed reaches up to touch you too.

(I was picturing someone floating in weightlessness when I read that
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.)

**Trantor** · 05-07-2012, 03:18 AM

I've had this problem for years now. It's a mental one and that's why it's not easy to solve. I can't fall asleep good even though I like snuggling and having him next to me. I keep waking up at nights and in the mornings I feel like shit.

When I sleep alone I can sleep good all night long without waking up and I feel rested in the morning. I don't understand why all couples are supposed to sleep in the bed together, you're unconscious the whole time anyways.

**Xanthippe** · 05-07-2012, 03:31 AM

I find it varies by the person how easy it is to sleep in a shared bed. Early on, it takes some getting used to the other's habits. Some like to cuddle, some steal all the covers.

I don't suppose you have the option of spending a few consecutive nights sharing? You might find it becomes more natural. If not, you need to explain gently to her that it isn't a personal thing, just a pragmatic one - like many, maybe you can't get a good night's sleep sharing a bed. That's not to say you can't do other things together in bed, then go your separate ways.

**stealthfighter** · 05-07-2012, 04:13 AM

I'm easily distracted in my sleep and I haven't slept on a bed with anyone else for a long time so I guess it won't do me good if I do.

**SwedenF** · 05-07-2012, 12:27 PM

For me it's the complete opposite. I have a lot of sleep problems, and rarely feel rested. The chance of a good night sleep seems to increase quite a bit with a SO there.

My first boyfriend had this issue. During 4,5 years of relationship, we didn't sleep in the same bed once. I guess some people are just more sensitive around sleeping than others, either to the thought of the presence or just light sleeps that wake easily.

**Selene** · 05-07-2012, 01:19 PM

I don't understand.

Why do couples have to share the same bed? Does this custom stem from religious origins? Why is this practice still observed today?

**khurynn** · 05-07-2012, 09:06 PM

Originally Posted by Trantor
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I've had this problem for years now. It's a mental one and that's why it's not easy to solve. I can't fall asleep good even though I like snuggling and having him next to me. I keep waking up at nights and in the mornings I feel like shit.

When I sleep alone I can sleep good all night long without waking up and I feel rested in the morning. I don't understand why all couples are supposed to sleep in the bed together, you're unconscious the whole time anyways.

My thoughts exactly. Personally I'm a cuddle whore and I love physical contact of any kind, but when it comes time to sleep I have trouble if there's any physical contact or proximity to other people. Primarily I think it's a mental issue. If I'm alone in the bed or room then my mind just seems much more at ease and allows me to fall asleep easily. It's almost as though part of my subconscious feels slightly guarded whenever I'm around another person. Sex will dull it for an hour or two (sleep comes easily then) but when I invariably wake up later I have trouble falling back asleep. Plus the bed/covers are not sentient so contact in that sense is not an issue.


	I don't suppose you have the option of spending a few consecutive nights sharing?

Not really, we're only able to do overnights on weekends due to our different work schedules. We don't plan to ever move in together so I'm not overly concerned long-term. This may just be one of those things that I will have to live with and have a partner be understanding of.

**Nostalgia** · 05-07-2012, 09:20 PM

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"Historically, we have never been meant to sleep in the same bed as each other. It is a bizarre thing to do."
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Hey baby I can't sleep over tonight, Why? because science said so baby, it is all in the science.
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**Shadizar** · 05-07-2012, 09:33 PM

I have difficulty falling asleep if there's activity in the house. Something to do with listening for anomalies in the house; unnecessary noise must be dealt with, like the dvd whirring away, or the dog sniffing about, etc. If the house is dead, and even the wife is already sleeping, short off mentally writing a chapter in one of my many as yet unwritten books, I can pass right out.

Now, try asking your SO to go to sleep before you; a challenge in itself, most SOs wanna - errrg - cuddle.

**Marcus Septim** · 05-07-2012, 11:24 PM

No difficulty

Unless the bed is not big enough to fit us both

**squarebox** · 05-08-2012, 12:42 AM

Never a problem even cramped together without contact. (I dont move much in sleep)
I sleep easily and very quickly(a few mins) in most conditions.

DesertKnight · 05-08-2012, 12:50 AM

This is something I'm pretty familiar with. I should however preface my response by saying that I do suffer from pretty chronic insomnia, regardless of if there is someone else in the bed or not (but this really has nothing to do with the OP).

When I first moved in with my wife I experienced the same thing and I do believe it is mostly mental. I eventually grew out of focusing on her being there and now I don't notice her at all unless we are intentionally noticing each other
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. Should note that she doesn't move around much at all and doesn't snore, neither do I.

**FruitLoop** · 05-08-2012, 12:57 AM

Yeah, I sleep alone now. Cant stand anyone else trampolining the bed whoile I'm sleeping.

05-06-2012, 06:19 PM	#1
khurynn New Member [01%] MBTI: InTJ Join Date: May 2012 Posts: 10	I'm curious how many others are affected by this problem. I should preface by saying that I've been in an open relationship with someone for the past 2 1/2 years or so. I'm young and stupid and this is the first relationship I've had. I'm InTJ/IsTJ (borderline), with a heavy emphasis on the I. We don't share a residence but one of us will occasionally spend the night at the other's house. More often than not, I have a lot of trouble falling asleep. I generally have no trouble falling asleep if I'm in the bed alone. It's almost as though my brain is very conscious of the fact that there's someone else there, and it won't "shut off." Maybe a little bit of a claustrophobic feeling too. And I can never fall asleep if I have an arm wrapped around me, or anything touching me at all. This has led me to take a few OTC sleeping pills before bed to get by, otherwise I just toss and turn, but I'm not happy with that solution. When I do fall asleep I often wake up repeatedly throughout the night, so it's not a very deep sleep. I feel at ease around her otherwise, and don't think it's something to do with her specifically. I've also had similar problems in the past when trying to fall asleep with other people in the same bed too, or even people in the same room (especially if they snore). I feel as though it's created some stress in the relationship too and she doesn't quite understand my problem, and it's frustrating for me. If it's bad enough I'll just throw up my hands and go sleep on the couch, which I know upsets her. It happened again this weekend, although this time it was after we had both spent 3-4 hours at a large social event, so I was a mental wreck at that point. Anyway, I was curious if other people have this problem, or ideas for how to deal with it. This is one of many things I don't really understand about myself yet.
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05-06-2012, 06:21 PM	#2
ModernLit Core Member [182%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Apr 2010 Posts: 7,281	in general it's hard for me to fall asleep. if the other person it's snoring or flailing about too much, or smacking me in the face or kicking or whatever... i'm about as likely to sleep about the same as i do on my own. i think men sleep better with someone with them and women don't. not exactly sure why. but i think it's true. but it's still nice to have a cuddle buddy and someone to wake up to.
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05-06-2012, 06:52 PM	#3
Archer New Member [01%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Apr 2012 Posts: 59	I think not getting a good nights sleep will cause more stress in the relationship than not being able to sleep with someone. I've read that married couples that sleep in separate rooms tend to be happier because they get better rest. Personally I enjoy the intimacy of sharing a bed with a women.
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05-06-2012, 07:24 PM	#4
Booko Veteran Member [87%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Dec 2007 Posts: 3,502	You may find this article interesting: To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. My best friend and her husband sleep in twin beds that are put next to each other. He does what I can only call semaphore all night while he sleeps, and she dislikes being punched in the face by accident. So really it's better that way for them. My husband and I move very little, so for us it isn't much of an issue. But when we were both snoring like mad we would sometimes wake each other up, and that was a problem. It's much better to get a good night's sleep and not be cranky all the next day. You'll be easier to live with.
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05-06-2012, 11:12 PM	#5
reckful Core Member [535%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: May 2009 Posts: 21,418	I'm pretty strongly introverted (and Limbic) but also, with rare exceptions, a good sleeper. I don't like to have any contact with another person when I'm sleeping and have insisted on that in my adult incarnation (although I'll admit I was able to sleep fine in cuddle position in a twin bed in college) — but I don't have any trouble sleeping with somebody else in the bed as long as there's no contact and no snoring. The cuddle addicts of the world may try to deny it, but I think not wanting to be touched while you're trying to fall asleep is very common.
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05-07-2012, 03:18 AM	#7
Trantor New Member [01%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Apr 2012 Posts: 14	I've had this problem for years now. It's a mental one and that's why it's not easy to solve. I can't fall asleep good even though I like snuggling and having him next to me. I keep waking up at nights and in the mornings I feel like shit. When I sleep alone I can sleep good all night long without waking up and I feel rested in the morning. I don't understand why all couples are supposed to sleep in the bed together, you're unconscious the whole time anyways.
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05-07-2012, 03:31 AM	#8
Xanthippe Member [15%] MBTI: INTP Join Date: Apr 2009 Posts: 603	I find it varies by the person how easy it is to sleep in a shared bed. Early on, it takes some getting used to the other's habits. Some like to cuddle, some steal all the covers. I don't suppose you have the option of spending a few consecutive nights sharing? You might find it becomes more natural. If not, you need to explain gently to her that it isn't a personal thing, just a pragmatic one - like many, maybe you can't get a good night's sleep sharing a bed. That's not to say you can't do other things together in bed, then go your separate ways.
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05-07-2012, 04:13 AM	#9
stealthfighter Veteran Member [84%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: May 2011 Posts: 3,394	I'm easily distracted in my sleep and I haven't slept on a bed with anyone else for a long time so I guess it won't do me good if I do.
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05-07-2012, 12:27 PM	#10
SwedenF Member [09%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Apr 2012 Posts: 381	For me it's the complete opposite. I have a lot of sleep problems, and rarely feel rested. The chance of a good night sleep seems to increase quite a bit with a SO there. My first boyfriend had this issue. During 4,5 years of relationship, we didn't sleep in the same bed once. I guess some people are just more sensitive around sleeping than others, either to the thought of the presence or just light sleeps that wake easily.
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05-07-2012, 01:19 PM	#11
Selene Veteran Member [84%] MBTI: XXXX Join Date: Dec 2011 Posts: 3,383	I don't understand. Why do couples have to share the same bed? Does this custom stem from religious origins? Why is this practice still observed today?
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05-07-2012, 09:20 PM	#13
Nostalgia Veteran Member [77%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Apr 2008 Posts: 3,116	To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. "Historically, we have never been meant to sleep in the same bed as each other. It is a bizarre thing to do." To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Hey baby I can't sleep over tonight, Why? because science said so baby, it is all in the science. To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
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05-07-2012, 09:33 PM	#14
Shadizar Restricted [forum rules] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Feb 2011 Posts: 6,867	I have difficulty falling asleep if there's activity in the house. Something to do with listening for anomalies in the house; unnecessary noise must be dealt with, like the dvd whirring away, or the dog sniffing about, etc. If the house is dead, and even the wife is already sleeping, short off mentally writing a chapter in one of my many as yet unwritten books, I can pass right out. Now, try asking your SO to go to sleep before you; a challenge in itself, most SOs wanna - errrg - cuddle.
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05-07-2012, 11:24 PM	#15
Marcus Septim Suspended MBTI: ISTJ Join Date: Feb 2010 Posts: 4,354	No difficulty Unless the bed is not big enough to fit us both
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05-08-2012, 12:42 AM	#16
squarebox Member [02%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Mar 2012 Posts: 94	Never a problem even cramped together without contact. (I dont move much in sleep) I sleep easily and very quickly(a few mins) in most conditions. Last edited by squarebox; 05-08-2012 at 01:06 AM.
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05-08-2012, 12:50 AM	#17
DesertKnight Veteran Member [63%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Apr 2012 Posts: 2,522	This is something I'm pretty familiar with. I should however preface my response by saying that I do suffer from pretty chronic insomnia, regardless of if there is someone else in the bed or not (but this really has nothing to do with the OP). When I first moved in with my wife I experienced the same thing and I do believe it is mostly mental. I eventually grew out of focusing on her being there and now I don't notice her at all unless we are intentionally noticing each other To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. . Should note that she doesn't move around much at all and doesn't snore, neither do I.
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05-08-2012, 12:57 AM	#18
FruitLoop Member [12%] MBTI: iNTj Join Date: Dec 2011 Posts: 488	Yeah, I sleep alone now. Cant stand anyone else trampolining the bed whoile I'm sleeping.
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